Editor Could Use An Assist

[AsylumSeeker]

Hi all, many thanks for all the help you've provided in the past, and I am in possession of the Chicago Manual of Style now, but still new at using this tool.

Okay, so on to the question. What I will post is a passage I'm having difficulty with and seek your advice on. As of this time I have edited the random number of periods separating words into three-period ellipses, and I have (at the point indicated) separated the block of text into two paragraphs at a point that seemed logical for this separation to occur, although am open to suggestions.

The passage -

I heard Cindy giggle. Giggles and more giggles came from the bath area as I looked at the partition panels, smiling. Those partial walls certainly let sound carry. Giggles then, “Ooh…hey.” Giggles... “Yipes...Mr. Wilkins..that's naughty...you're bad.....so... bad...mmm...don't…no...ah... uh... very... mmm... bad... uh…uh... God…uh…uh…uh... EEEE..... Oh God, oh my God... ho...ly shit...mmm... you're nuts...oh geez...huh…no way.” Giggle... “No...uh-uh...eww...guess not.” [Paragraph break]

No more voices then the water shut off and it remained quiet for a fair while. Suddenly I heard my wife roar with laughter. “Really...you are absolutely crazy... Mr. Wilkins...you’re crazy...but…I... like...you...uh-uh...ooh...huh...I um...only a second...shh.” Silence then more giggles.

- I don't write like this myself and haven't edited in this particular situation. I just want to get it right for the writer, and am not too proud to ask for an assist to make sure what I've done is enough and is correct.

And if this situation is addressed in the Chicago Manual of Style I'd appreciate a pointer!

Thanks, all, in advance! You're a tolerant and forgiving group, I'll give you that.

 

[_Lynn_]

I can't give you the CMS rule on this, but I can give you my opinion.

The extreme over-use of the ellipsis is so jarring it's distracting. Not to mention the repetition of 'giggle'.

The 'EEEE' is, ah, okay the entire section sucks to me.

"Oh God" was another thread discussion, but in this instance it would be lowercase not cap.

And though many authors use certainly, suddenly, absolutely . . . there are far better ways to write.

 

[sr71plt]

Well, just for starters, there exist only three- and four-point ellipses. Nothing more and nothing less. And in this mess (echo Lynn on this being a reader unfriendly mess whether or not it's technically correct), I don't really see any instance where a four-point ellipses (which is really a terminal period plus an ellipsis) is in order. This is particularly a mess because not only is the ellipsis (over)used between words, but it also is used inside words. You can read it, but few would want to bother to.

If this was going to commercial publishing, by the way, there would be character spaces between (and before and after) each of the dots in the the ellipsis. (The computer ellipsis is not the printing ellipsis for some reason known only to Mr. Gates.)

 

[AsylumSeeker]

Yeah, in line with my thinking, just trying to get it right. Thanks all!

 

[CopperSkink]

Anyone accusing me of using too many commas wouldn't be insane, but that passage had one, when I would've liked somewhere around six. It's given that while someone's trying to hold a conversation while being fucked, the words are going to be a little broken. However, that's no excuse to keep pressing elipsies down people's throats.

I think what I dislike the most about it is that it goes on for that length. If that's going to turn into a sex scene, I might have indegestion problems whilst reading it. If it's not a sex scene, then I would've been happy with "I heard some muffled noises, someone urging someone to fuck her, broken speech from being fucked, bla bla bla," so you can have a line or two with some elipsies, then use the dude to convey to the audience for the rest of it. tl;dr, don't use a whole paragraph to get the point across when a few lines will do.

 

[snoopercharmbrights]

Anyone accusing me of using too many commas wouldn't be insane, but that passage had one, when I would've liked somewhere around six. It's given that while someone's trying to hold a conversation while being fucked, the words are going to be a little broken. However, that's no excuse to keep pressing elipsies down people's throats.

I think what I dislike the most about it is that it goes on for that length. If that's going to turn into a sex scene, I might have indegestion problems whilst reading it. If it's not a sex scene, then I would've been happy with "I heard some muffled noises, someone urging someone to fuck her, broken speech from being fucked, bla bla bla," so you can have a line or two with some elipsies, then use the dude to convey to the audience for the rest of it. tl;dr, don't use a whole paragraph to get the point across when a few lines will do.

I agree, but to put it more succinctly "Show, don't tell".

An example is:

Don't say "Charlie was a lazy boy and asked his mother to wait on him hand and foot."
Write "Charlie was slumped on the sofa and shouted, "Mom, bring a beer!"

 

[CopperSkink]

Isn't that the active/passive thingy?

Anyhoo, that's only two lines. Imagine, "Charlie grabbed a beer. Then, he sat his fat ass down in front the TV. Charlie turned on TV. Charlie watched TV with delicious Hanna Montanna for twelve hours straight. 'Hey mom! Gimme delicious sammich!' he called at regalar interviews. Once in a while, he got up to take a urine. When he came back, it took him several hours to get comforbile again, only to have to get up and pee. When watching too much television made him hard, he called over his girlfriend to take care of business."
And so on and so on.
Or, "Charlie watched TV all day rather than do anything useful. It's plain to see that both his mother and his girlfriend were quite fed up with his bullshit, only they were too comfortible in their own little worlds to did anything aboot it."

 

[Guest]

I use ... a lot myself but that is extreme.
Perhaps I need to adjust my style too... (see, lol)
I'm just a rookie, but I think the whole section is overkill of giggly Ooh's and Aah's.
That could be a stylistic thing or just my opinion - I don't know?

Personally, and I believe others said the same thing, it might flow better if it was more descriptive written from the 3rd person.