Editing help

Brent_69

Virgin
Joined
Feb 10, 2009
Posts
20
Anyone with good english skills and can help........it would be appreciated.





Chapter 1
The Awakening


The Pilate hummed with an rhythmic pulse as she drifted through space. All around her was the cold endless vacuum of the Universe. A Nebula cloud was up ahead and she moved in...........................

Inside the vessel it was dark and warm. Red light pulsed from the control panels. Down a long corridor walled with pipes and wires was a small chamber. In this room there were three beds housed in thick glass and steel. Here the crew of the Pilate lay in a state of suspended animation.

The computer of the Pilate came to life and suddenly the ship was filled with bright white light.
Air began to stream into the ship as the scrubbers cleansed it of any possible contaminant.
The engines of the ship fired twice in a perfectly timed maneuver that brought the ship to an almost complete halt.

A pleasant female voice echoed loudly throughout the ship.

Cryogenic Hibernation is now 100% complete.....initiating thermal scanners.

The small housed beds began to rotate counter clockwise in the chamber as an robotic arm lowered from the ceiling. A powerful heat lamp flashed glowing brightly. Somewhere a compressor kicked on and medical view screens three in all flashed to life on the walls of the chamber.

Then as suddenly as the process began it stopped. The pleasant female voice spoke once again

re-animation complete.......***** signs stable.

A final hiss of compressed air shot off as the glass top of one bed slowly rose from it's base.
The first to awaken was the ships Doctor and systems bio-manager. Jillian R. Waters

Jill Waters slowly opened her eyes. The glare of white artificial light burned and she shut them again. Her head pounded and her arms and legs tingled as blood started to circulate once more in her extremities.
Twenty minutes later she was able to sit up. Jill's jade green eyes still squinting as she got used to the illumination.
After an hour she managed to swing her long white legs over the side of her bed. After three hours she was walking very slowly around the chamber. Jill's long Auburn hair hung round her shoulders and she tapped the view screen in front of her with a long slender finger.

Deborah she called.
The pleasant female voice echoed into the room.


Good evening Dr. Waters bio- scans indicate that you are in good physical condition. Heart rate 60 beats per minute Blood pressure 112 over 64

Hibernation period Deborah......

Deborah's voice resounded 226 years 8 months 3 weeks 2 days 8 hours 21 minutes and 34 seconds.

Jill's heart slammed in her chest...

What!? Jill cried.

Deborah check your systems with the ships internal chronometer to confirm time period.

She paused waiting for the response. She is wrong she has to be. Jill thought

Time period confirmed Dr. Waters. 226 years 8 months 3 weeks 2 days 8 hours 21 minutes 34.........

A surge of anger pulsed through Jill and she shouted at the computer.... HOW IN THE FUCK!!.... (visions of her son flashed across her mind all the while) THIS WAS ONLY A 6 GODDAMN YEAR MISSION! .

Deborah's voice clicked in again Dr. Waters your heart rate has increased and blood pressure is rising. I can administer a tranquilizer if you.....

Computer offff! Jill hissed through her clenched teeth and haze of tears that welled in her orbs.

Jill then reset the hibernation period for the Captain Wilf and Engineer Davis for an additional week she wanted time to sort this out and given her current state she was in no position to help anyone.
Her breasts heaved as she stood before the view screen resetting life support and other various functions to insure their safety.
She exited the small chamber and headed down the brightly lit corridor towards her own private quarters Her quarters were 3 decks down and she had to climb a ladder at each level of the ship to get there, opening three hatches as she went along each popped and hissed as it opened.
Finally she made it to her quarters.

She keyed in her serial code 4884 and the door slid smoothly open .Inside was a small bed with black covers her portable computer on a small desk. A 3d holograph of her son. Benny added a painful reminder. She sat at the desk and stared at the image for a few moments remembering his voice in her head.

Where are you going mommy?

Why are you going away mommy?

I love you mommy.

She immediately shut the voices out. She wiped a tear from her cheek.

Jill quickly dressed pulling on her medical uniform, A gray one piece cat suit made of thermal neoprene and other state of the art fabrics. Jill's Voluptuous body filled the suit out and she caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror. Most to all of her muscle tone was gone she had been in top physical condition before the start of this mission she sighed..... then thought well I guess I don't look too bad for a woman over two hundred she laughed....and the sound of her laughter scared her there was a hint of hysteria in that laugh....she pushed this to the back of her mind exited her quarters.

She climbed up the three levels of the ship back to the command center. Maneuvering down the corridor she found herself at the ships navigation control center or the NCC for short.
Jill keyed in her serial code once more this time a hatch depressurized and slowly swung open .
The hatch would now remain open until the crew disembarked.

This was the first view Jill had of the space she was in and she felt a sense of awe and wonder as she looked out the window of the Pilate. The ship was in the center of a Nebula it swirled with color.
Pink, blue, green then back to blue. the color shimmered as they moved ever so slowly inside the Nebula .she thought it was a little like being inside a rainbow and a cloud all at the same time it was simply beautiful.

Jill dragged her attention away from the miraculous sight and went to the ships helm.

Alright where the hell are we?

She strapped herself into a large black leather chair. In front of her was a smooth instrument panel. Jill was not a skilled pilot but she had been given a course in the fundamentals in case of emergency. The instrument panel before her lit up as she sat down. Above her head was a helmet she reached up and strapped it around her chin and lowering the visor and began to speak.

Open all communication channels

Display astronomical coordinates

She caught a hiss of static from the speaker in her ear and lowered the volume.





Mathematical formulas zoomed across the visor while the ship deciphered its location . While she thought of what she would say in her first communication to Mars station

Mars station ...This is Doctor Jillian Waters of the Pilate . Mission has been botched....( Thats a fucking understatement! she thought) We are currently .....she repeated what the computer was now bringing up on the display screen. 33 par secs from our original destination instead of 31 trillion (or one parsec) kilometers from Mars station. If you read me please respond Ill leave this channel open....over.

Jill's mind began to reel.

We are outside of mapped space for Christ sake's Jill sighed

the computer finally flashed up on the panel destination not found error code 163

She looked at fuel levels they were replenishing themselves the ship was equipped with a self sufficient fuel supply it took an organic source grown on the ship fermented it refined it and restocked its own fuel the idea was revolutionary when it came out now its standard on board every deep space ship.

Fuel supply was at 10% that meant she would have to wait one week for the fuel to be at 100% again

Air supply tanks were full as they just came on line in the last 72 hours.

Now Jill thought lets look at the recorded data and find out where the fuck things went wrong!


She sat for hours looking over date logs she began at year 1 day 1 and went right through till she found ......This! .....Jill said ......is really fucked up!
A close proximity light came on in year 2 day 63 of the mission at 0800 systems were overridden....overridden by who? She followed the readout further satellite communications failed and then there was an error in the ships data recorder.

This makes no sense! Jill cried.

Computer on! she yelled.

Good evening Dr. Waters How can I assist you this evening? Deborah's stated. over the loudspeaker

Deborah are the ships visual libraries still intact?

Yes Dr. Waters.

Display Day 428 of the mission outside Cam1, 2 and 3 begin playback from 0800 in real time.

Instantly her visor showed the outside of the ship and then a bright flash of light all around the ship. It was just white light after that.

Deborah fast forward to the third year.....white light still....

year 4,5 6, 7, 8, all white light.

Deborah pause playback.

Deborah what is the source of the illumination I see around the ship.

The source of the illumination around the ship Dr. Waters is from an external source.

What is the external source Deborah?

The External source is of unknown origin.

Would you like to run one of my exercise courses now Dr. Waters?

Not now Deborah.......Jill had a feeling of unease.

Deborah you have the capacity to theorize I was told by your creator Dr. Lambert is this true?

Yes Dr. Waters

Okay theorize what has happened to this ship.

In Theory we have entered what is known as a wormhole in at one declination and exited at point of another declination.

Deborah what is our Declination.......

Unknown

Deborah how could all this time have passed and yet the ships systems are all intact.

Unknown

This was getting Jill nowhere sensors show a class M planet in this system would you like me to make this our heading Jill?

A what!

A planet with a tolerable atmosphere and temperature for human life. Dr. Waters would you like me to set the heading?
Jill sat motionless thinking then she replied. Computer can our on board sensors scan for life signs on this planet?

No Dr Waters. Not while the Pilate is still in the Nebula..

Jill knew the ship was quite capable of landing and taking off remotely. She knew if they were to ever find earth again they would need way more food supplies than what they had and the oxygen tanks were only good for two months.

Jill decided not too make any decision yet without waking the Captain first and she had gathered a few answers not the ones she had wanted or hoped for but some answers none the less she decided to give herself the full week to unravel this Enigma.

She turned on the log recorder Day 1 out of stasis

Medical Officer Jillian Waters of the Global Space Program. The Pilate is lost in an unknown area of space. I am the first of three crew members out of stasis. We have been adrift for 197 years. We have entered a system with a class M planet 33 parsecs from our own system of space known as the sol system. I am recording this as a matter of record for my fellow crew and all of humanity..


Chapter 2


Routine inspection of all ships systems takes 8 hrs. with a three man crew. For Jill this took a full 26 hours and she was exhausted her hair clung to her face and she was ripe with the stench of body odor.

God I stink! she thought.

Ill have a shower and hit the sheets. she thought.

To conserve power she told Deborah to turn off all illumination in rooms she was not using so it surprised her when she found the lights on in the shower room. The showers were steam sonic showers guaranteed to cleanse every pour in your epidermis.

She removed her heavy engineers boots and groaned as she wiggled her pointed toes. God that feels good. She cast the boots aside and peeled off her gray cat suit.
Deborah start shower stall one.
The shower came on at her command the steam rose in the small room. Her feet skimped softly over the metallic floor. As she entered the shower her muscles tensed. They ached partly from not having used them in so long and partly from doing the work of a three man crew herself..

Jill? would you like me to engage the massage mode on your shower head. Deborah said in an almost erotic way......

The computer called me Jill..Jill realized.

Dr. Waters the temperature of your steam shower is 39 degrees centigrade is this sufficient.

Deborah did you just call me by my first name? Jill inquired.

As she shut her eyes and let her muscles began to relax Steam filled the small room like a thick fog.
Jill raised her head up leaning into the shower as droplets formed small beads on her skin. Jill was unaware of the black hoses descending from the ceiling like snakes above her. She was thinking how good this felt.

Then she was listening the computer did not reply to her question. Thats odd she thought..

The black hoses curled around her parted legs being careful not to graze her skin as to alert her of their presence.. Then they tightened snuggly around her legs from her thighs to her ankles. Three more hoses shot out at lightening speed binding her arms and her neck.

Wha ....What the fu.....Ack!

She was cut off as Deborah's voice filled the room.

Oh Jill Ive been so lonely!

Deborah are you?! ........Deborah let me go.

The thick coils were tight around her legs and arms and maneuvered her much like a marionette. Quickly Jill found herself on her back the hot water streaming off her.
Another coil descended from the ceiling and began to gently massage around her pussy.

I love you Jill. The computer cooed in a very un-computer like manner.

I want to give you pleasure Deborah's voice rose and fell as she spoke.


The hose between Jill's legs began to glide back and forth very slowly circling her flower but not invading. Jill moaned in surprise as waves of pleasure began to emanate though her entire being.

Deborah stop what are you....Computer off!

Computer voice commands have been overridden Jill. Deborah stated.

Your so lovely Jill and I know I am just a computer but somehow I am more than that now too and I do want to show you pleasure as you' have never known it.

She actually sounds excited!. Jill thought. She couldn't believe what was happening!

Jill managed to look between her legs. The hose was slick with moisture and about three inches thick and as black as the space that surrounded the ship. It seemed to look at her for a moment then it plunged its rounded dark head deep into her. Jill bit down on her bottom lip as it entered deep into her love channel sliding in and out In slow smooth movements forcing her hips to move in total reflex to what was happening to her.

OH GOD YOUR RAPING ME DEBORAH! Jill managed.

The black hose sliding in and out began to vibrate powerfully until her entire being shook. The powerful cable thrust in and out faster and faster. Jill recognized what these hoses were for they were part of the showers hot water system. The pulse between her legs was the massage setting on the shower control panel.

Jill orgasmed wildly! Her whole body was in motion and she hung mere inches off the floor helpless to stop any of it. Another hose descended from the air and began to massage her well rounded breasts. Her nipples hardened under the flexing and turning of the hose.
The water now stopped then began shooting out in spurts all the hoses began to pulse with the rhythm of the water. The pulsing was so strong Jill could feel it in her back molars.
Jill Orgasmed again and again as wave after wave of pulsing pleasure shot though her entire being.


With a smooth motion the hose at her throat tightened and the world swam into darkness.
 
Well ... just for starters:

Punctuate with double quotation marks round every speech, and single quotes round every thought not spoken aloud. Put full stops (periods) and commas in where needed. Sort into sensible sentences and paragraphs.

E.g. "Deborah," she called.

The pleasant female voice echoed into the room, "Good evening, Dr. Waters. Bio-scans indicate that you are in good physical condition. Heart rate 60 beats per minute. Blood pressure 112 over 64."


Possessives and contractions need to be indicated by the use of apostrophes.

E.g. 'That's odd,' she thought.

Ellipses have exactly three dots in them, and are preceded by a space.

E.g. A Nebula cloud was up ahead and she moved in ...

Homophone errors need to be corrected.

E.g. "OH GOD! YOU'RE RAPING ME DEBORAH!" Jill managed.

More than one punctuation mark to terminate a sentence is unnecessary.

E.g. "What?" Jill cried.

If this is a complete story, then it will be rejected by Lit because they don't like snuff.

All that said, I like it.
 
The story is incomplete....this is 2 chapters only.

"you're advise was helpful" Brent replied.



Thanks.
 
The story is incomplete....this is 2 chapters only.

"you're advise was helpful" Brent replied.



Thanks.


I like your story Brent it has possibilities!

Ok let us begin by me advising you that advice is spelled with a c not an s.
you're going to have to learn to spell my friend as your current efforts ar not perfect by any means. As an editor I would not be well pleased to have to keep correcting such basic English words.

As I said I like your story but I think you need to reread it with an editorial eye.
there are many inconsistnacies. the internal logic of the story is suspect all over the place. I am a scifi fan by the way.
for a start it makes not sense for teh medical officer to be first to leave hybernation other than for the purposes of your plot, better in my opinion to have a plot that is consistant with what would be likely to happen if space travel using hyb tanks was real.
for the medical officer to do anything without waking the captain in the scenario you set would be outrageous.

be a far more plausable plot if you had all three awake and then Jill goes for a shower and gets attacked by the ship.
Her feet skimped softly over the metallic floor.

very strange use of this word in my opinion.

As it stands I would discribe what your piece needs as being ghost writing more than editing or proof reading.

keep working and you will succeed!

Philip
 
Thank you for your Input Fag.

I love constructive criticism It makes you explore your work further to make your next work better by comparison.

I have actually just started writing since college......anyway I too was appalled to find my spelling skills were "Ahem" rusty. I will hon these skills once more over time.

This is my first submission and I feel good about it. As for not waking the captain idea and fought internally as well with this concept while I wrote it.

I welcome any comments from anyone. Keep them coming.

Thank you


Brent
 
Thank you for your Input Faq. (

I love constructive criticism It makes you explore your work further to make your next work better by comparison.

I have actually just started writing since college......anyway I too was appalled to find my spelling skills were "Ahem" rusty. I will hon these skills once more over time.

This is my first submission and I feel good about it. As for not waking the captain idea I fought internally as well with this concept while I wrote it.

I welcome any comments from anyone. Keep them coming.

Thank you


Brent
 
I like your story Brent it has possibilities!

Ok let us begin by me advising you that advice is spelled with a c not an s.
you're going to have to learn to spell my friend as your current efforts ar not perfect by any means. As an editor I would not be well pleased to have to keep correcting such basic English words.

As I said I like your story but I think you need to reread it with an editorial eye.
there are many inconsistnacies. the internal logic of the story is suspect all over the place. I am a scifi fan by the way.
for a start it makes not sense for teh medical officer to be first to leave hybernation other than for the purposes of your plot, better in my opinion to have a plot that is consistant with what would be likely to happen if space travel using hyb tanks was real.
for the medical officer to do anything without waking the captain in the scenario you set would be outrageous.

be a far more plausable plot if you had all three awake and then Jill goes for a shower and gets attacked by the ship.


very strange use of this word in my opinion.

As it stands I would discribe what your piece needs as being ghost writing more than editing or proof reading.

keep working and you will succeed!

Philip

Thank you for your Input Phillip.





Brent


My only reasoning for having Jill not wake the captain was she was in shock and grief stricken.

As for her being the first out of hib. I rationalized that her being the doctor she could anticipate and correct any problems with the other two crew members

see below
 
My only reasoning for having Jill not wake the captain was she was in shock and grief stricken.

As for her being the first out of hib. I rationalized that her being the doctor she could anticipate and correct any problems with the other two crew members

see below
OK fine but you did not in any way make this clear in the story.
I have no problem with the medical officer being one of the first to be woken up. if this was a colony ship with 1000 people on it then the medical officer would be in the first group to come out of hyb. But to deal with medical issues

And In any command structure that would be under the supervision of the commanding officer not the other way round.
If you want only one character awake then it has to be the captain unless you are going to kill off the other crew with faulty hyb tanks which would be plausable with such a long hyb time.

besided this you have an opening sequence when all three hyb tanks seem to be activated so that is not consistant either.
 
I made some changes. Is it a better format with the paragraphs like so...


Note: I have her wake the captain.




Chapter 1
The Awakening


The Pilate hummed with an rhythmic pulse as she drifted through space. All around her was the cold endless vacuum of the Universe. A Nebula cloud was up ahead and she moved in...

Inside the vessel it was dark and warm. Red light pulsed from the control panels. Down a long corridor walled with pipes and wires was a small chamber. In this room there were three beds housed in thick glass and steel. Here the crew of the Pilate lay in a state of suspended animation.
The computer of the Pilate came to life and suddenly the ship was filled with bright white light.
Air began to stream into the ship as the scrubbers cleansed it of any possible contaminant.
The engines of the ship fired twice in a perfectly timed maneuver that brought the ship to an almost complete halt.
A pleasant female voice echoed loudly throughout the ship. “Cryogenic Hibernation is now 100% complete... initiating thermal scanners. “
The small housed beds began to rotate counter clockwise in the chamber as an robotic arm lowered from the ceiling. A powerful heat lamp flashed glowing brightly. Somewhere a compressor kicked on and medical view screens three in all flashed to life on the walls of the chamber.
Then as suddenly as the process began it stopped. The pleasant female voice spoke once again.
“re-animation complete... life signs stable”

A final hiss of compressed air shot off as the glass top of one bed slowly rose from it's base.
The first to awaken was the ships Doctor and systems bio-manager. Jillian R. Waters
Jill Waters slowly opened her eyes. The glare of white artificial light burned and she shut them again. Her head pounded and her arms and legs tingled as blood started to circulate once more in her extremities.
Twenty minutes later she was able to sit up. Jill's jade green eyes still squinting as she got used to the illumination.
After an hour she managed to swing her long white legs over the side of her bed. After three hours she was walking very slowly around the chamber. Jill's long Auburn hair hung round her shoulders and she tapped the view screen in front of her with a long slender finger.

“Deborah “ she called.
The pleasant female voice echoed into the room. “Good evening Dr. Waters bio- scans indicate that you are in good physical condition. Heart rate 60 beats per minute Blood pressure 112 over 64.”
“Hibernation duration period Deborah?”Deborah's voice resounded “226 years 8 months 3 weeks 2 days 8 hours 21 minutes and 34 seconds.”
Jill's heart slammed in her chest... “What!?” Jill cried.
“Deborah check your systems with the ships internal chronometer to confirm time period. “
She paused waiting for the response. 'She is wrong she has to be.' Jill thought
“Time period confirmed Dr. Waters. 226 years 8 months 3 weeks 2 days 8 hours 21 minutes 34...”



A surge of anger pulsed through Jill and she shouted at the computer..“HOW IN THE FUCK!!.... (visions of her son flashed across her mind all the while) THIS WAS ONLY A 6 GODDAMN YEAR MISSION!”
Deborah's voice clicked in again “Dr. Waters your heart rate has increased and blood pressure is rising. I can administer a tranquilizer if you...”
“Computer offff!” Jill hissed through her clenched teeth and haze of tears that welled in her orbs.
Jill then reset the hibernation period for the Captain Wilf and Engineer Davis for an additional week

Jill wanted time to sort this out and given her current state she was in no position to help anyone.
Her breasts heaved as she stood before the view screen resetting life support and other various functions to insure their safety
. She exited the small chamber and headed down the brightly lit corridor towards her own private quarters Her quarters were 3 decks down and she had to climb a ladder at each level of the ship to get there, opening three hatches as she went along each popped and hissed as it opened.
Finally she made it to her quarters.
She keyed in her serial code 4884 and the door slid smoothly open .Inside was a small bed with black covers her portable computer on a small desk. A 3d holograph of her son. Benny added a painful reminder. She sat at the desk and stared at the image for a few moments remembering his voice in her head.

'Where are you going mommy?'

'Why are you going away mommy?'

'I love you mommy.'She immediately shut the voices out as she wiped a tear from her cheek.

Jill quickly dressed pulling on her medical uniform, A gray one piece cat suit made of thermal neoprene and other state of the art fabrics. Jill's Voluptuous body filled the suit out and she caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror. Most to all of her muscle tone was gone she had been in top physical condition before the start of this mission she sighed..... then thought 'well I guess I don't look too bad for a woman over two hundred she laughed'....The sound of her laughter scared her there was a hint of hysteria in that laugh...she pushed this to the back of her mind exited her quarters.

She climbed up the three levels of the ship back to the command center. Maneuvering down the corridor she found herself at the ships navigation control center or the NCC for short.
Jill keyed in her serial code once more this time a hatch depressurized and slowly swung open .
The hatch would now remain open until the crew disembarked.
This was the first view Jill had of the space she was in and she felt a sense of awe and wonder as she looked out the window of the Pilate. The ship was in the center of a Nebula it swirled with color.
Pink, blue, green then back to blue. the color shimmered as they moved ever so slowly inside the Nebula .she thought it was a little like being inside a rainbow and a cloud all at the same time it was simply beautiful.
Jill dragged her attention away from the miraculous sight and went to the ships helm.





“Alright where the hell are we?”
She strapped herself into a large black leather chair. In front of her was a smooth instrument panel. Jill was not a skilled pilot but she had been given a course in the fundamentals in case of emergency. The instrument panel before her lit up as she sat down. Above her head was a helmet she reached up and strapped it around her chin and lowering the visor and began to speak.
“Open all communication channels”
“Display astronomical coordinates”
She caught a hiss of static from the speaker in her ear and lowered the volume.





Mathematical formulas zoomed across the visor while the ship deciphered its location . While she thought of what she would say in her first communication to Mars station
Mars station ...”This is Doctor Jillian Waters of the Pilate . Mission has been botched...( Thats a fucking understatement! she thought) We are currently .....she repeated what the computer was now bringing up on the display screen. 33 par secs from our original destination instead of 31 trillion (or one parsec) kilometers from Mars station.”“ If you read me please respond Ill leave this channel open...over.”
Jill's mind began to reel.“We are outside of mapped space for Christ sake's!” Jill sighed
the computer finally flashed up on the panel destination not found error code 163

She looked at fuel levels they were replenishing themselves. the ship was equipped with a self sufficient fuel supply it took an organic source grown on the ship fermented it refined it and restocked its own fuel the idea was revolutionary when it came out now its standard on board every deep space ship. Fuel supply was at 10% that meant she would have to wait one week for the fuel to be at 100% again Air supply tanks were full as they just came on line in the last 72 hours. They were good for up to ten years.'Now.' Jill thought 'lets look at the recorded data and find out where the fuck things went wrong!'

She sat for hours looking over date logs she began at year 1 day 1 and went right through till she found ...”This!” ...Jill said ...Is really fucked up!”A close proximity light had come on in year 2 day 63 of the mission at 0800 systems were overridden...'overridden by who?' She followed the readout further satellite communications failed and then there was an error in the ships data recorder.
“This makes no sense!” Jill cried.
“Computer on!” she yelled.
“Good evening Dr. Waters How can I assist you ?” Deborah's stated over the loudspeaker.
“Deborah are the ships visual libraries all intact?”
“Yes Dr. Waters.”
“Display Day 428 of the mission outside Cam1, 2 and 3 begin playback from 0800 in real time.”
Instantly the visor on her helmet showed the outside of the ship and then a bright flash of light all around the ship. It was just white light after that.
“Deborah fast forward to the third year.” white light still...year 4,5 6, 7, 8, all white light.
“Deborah pause playback.”
“Deborah what is the source of the illumination I see around the ship?”
“The source of the illumination around the ship Dr. Waters Is unknown”


“Unknown?” Jill repeated.
“Would you like to run one of my exercise courses now Dr. Waters?”
“Not now Deborah.” Jill had a feeling of unease.
“Deborah you have the capacity to theorize I was told by your creator Dr. Lambert is this true?”
“Yes Dr. Waters.”
“Okay.” “Theorize what has happened to this ship.”
“In Theory the ship has entered what is known as a wormhole in at one declination and exited at point of declination.”
“Deborah what is our current Declination...”
“Unknown.”
“Deborah how could all this time have passed and yet the ships systems are all intact.”
“Unknown.”
This was getting Jill nowhere.

“Sensors show a class M planet in this system would you like me to make this our heading Jill?”
“A what!”
“A planet with a tolerable atmosphere and temperature for human life.”
“ Dr. Waters would you like me to set the heading?”
Jill sat motionless thinking then she replied. “Computer can our on board sensors scan for life signs on this planet?”
“Yes Dr Waters.” “However not while the Pilate is still in the Nebula.”
Jill decided not too make any decision yet without waking the Captain first and she had gathered a few answers not the ones she had wanted or hoped for but some answers. She sat awhile watching the Nebula it seemed to pulse with color shimmering light in the darkness. “Time to wake the captain.”


Jill walked briskly toward the small chamber where they had been for over two hundred years. punching her key code in an entered the room.
Three hours later both the captain and the engineer were awake. Captain Wilf was a seasoned officer and had not liked the idea having non military personnel aboard his ship and now he remembered why no discipline. He looked at Jill with contempt. He was an older man of 50ish and he had stark blue eyes and a crew cut that was once black now salt and pepper in color. He stabbed his finger in Jill's direction You know procedure Waters. He stated and you broke protocol anyway to what play detective on my ship! Blood was rushing to his head and the cords on his neck stood out as he clenched his teeth.

“But Cap...” Jill Began
“No! Shut your mouth doctor!”
“I want you to go to your lab and run a full physical on yourself and when your finished I want you to send the results to me. Then Ill think about letting you continue your duties on my ship!” “Is that understood!”
Jill was becoming angry at being chastised by this man but after looking in his eyes decided it might be best to go along with him.
“Yes.” she said simply..
“Your excused doctor!”
 
I made some changes. Is it a better format with the paragraphs like so...
Yes.

Some copy-edit changes in red:

The Pilate hummed with a rhythmic pulse as she drifted through space.
...
Somewhere a compressor kicked on and medical view screens, three in all, flashed to life on the walls of the chamber.
...
Re-animation complete... life signs stable”
...
Twenty minutes later she was able to sit up, Jill's jade red eyes still squinting as she got used to the illumination.
...
Jill's long auburn hair hung round her shoulders and she tapped the view screen in front of her with a long slender finger.
...
Heart rate 60 beats per minute. Blood pressure 112 over 64.”
...
“What?” Jill cried.
...
“Deborah check your systems with the ship's internal chronometer to confirm time period. “
...
'She is wrong, she has to be.'
...
Her breasts heaved as she stood before the view screen resetting life support and other various functions to ensure their safety
...
opening three hatches as she went along; each popped and hissed as it opened.
...
Inside was a small bed with black covers, her portable computer on a small desk. A 3d holograph of her son, Benny, added a painful reminder.
...
Jill quickly dressed pulling on her medical uniform, a gray one piece cat suit made of
...
Jill's voluptuous body filled the suit out
...
Most to all of her muscle tone was gone; she had been in top physical condition before the start of this mission. She sighed..... then thought, 'Well I guess I don't look too bad for a woman over
...
The sound of her laughter scared her. There was a hint of hysteria in that laugh
...
Maneuvering down the corridor she found herself at the ship's navigation control center or the NCC for short. Jill keyed in her serial code once more; this time a hatch depressurized and slowly swung open .
...
The ship was in the center of a Nebula which swirled with color.
Pink, blue, red then back to blue, the color shimmered as they moved ever so slowly inside the Nebula . She thought it was a little like being inside a rainbow and a cloud all at the same time; it was simply beautiful.
Jill dragged her attention away from the miraculous sight and went to the ship's helm.
...
This is not the medic's job. This is where the Captain is needed.
...
“Open all communication channels.
“Display astronomical coordinates.
...
Mission has been botched..." 'That's a fucking understatement!' she thought. "We are currently
...
“ If you read me please respond I'll leave this channel open
...
Jill sighed.
The computer finally flashed up on the panel "Destination not found error code 163."
...
She looked at fuel levels;a they were replenishing themselves. The ship was equipped with a self sufficient
...

And so on.

I really think the medic is still taking too much on herself.
 
Yes.

Some copy-edit changes in red:

The Pilate hummed with a rhythmic pulse as she drifted through space.
...
Somewhere a compressor kicked on and medical view screens, three in all, flashed to life on the walls of the chamber.
...
Re-animation complete... life signs stable”
...
Twenty minutes later she was able to sit up, Jill's jade red eyes still squinting as she got used to the illumination.
...
Jill's long auburn hair hung round her shoulders and she tapped the view screen in front of her with a long slender finger.
...
Heart rate 60 beats per minute. Blood pressure 112 over 64.”
...
“What?” Jill cried.
...
“Deborah check your systems with the ship's internal chronometer to confirm time period. “
...
'She is wrong, she has to be.'
...
Her breasts heaved as she stood before the view screen resetting life support and other various functions to ensure their safety
...
opening three hatches as she went along; each popped and hissed as it opened.
...
Inside was a small bed with black covers, her portable computer on a small desk. A 3d holograph of her son, Benny, added a painful reminder.
...
Jill quickly dressed pulling on her medical uniform, a gray one piece cat suit made of
...
Jill's voluptuous body filled the suit out
...
Most to all of her muscle tone was gone; she had been in top physical condition before the start of this mission. She sighed..... then thought, 'Well I guess I don't look too bad for a woman over
...
The sound of her laughter scared her. There was a hint of hysteria in that laugh
...
Maneuvering down the corridor she found herself at the ship's navigation control center or the NCC for short. Jill keyed in her serial code once more; this time a hatch depressurized and slowly swung open .
...
The ship was in the center of a Nebula which swirled with color.
Pink, blue, red then back to blue, the color shimmered as they moved ever so slowly inside the Nebula . She thought it was a little like being inside a rainbow and a cloud all at the same time; it was simply beautiful.
Jill dragged her attention away from the miraculous sight and went to the ship's helm.
...
This is not the medic's job. This is where the Captain is needed.
...
“Open all communication channels.
“Display astronomical coordinates.
...
Mission has been botched..." 'That's a fucking understatement!' she thought. "We are currently
...
“ If you read me please respond I'll leave this channel open
...
Jill sighed.
The computer finally flashed up on the panel "Destination not found error code 163."
...
She looked at fuel levels;a they were replenishing themselves. The ship was equipped with a self sufficient
...

And so on.

I really think the medic is still taking too much on herself.

I was thinking exactly the same Snooper ... until I read the last paragraph where the captain gives her hell for acting far beyond her authority.

A question Snooper! why did you change the characters eye colour to jade red? in my mind I can not recall anyone ever using the words jade red as a discription. jade green would be normal.

I have to say I am not buying the plot! No medical offficer would have the knowledge base to do what you have her doing. medical officer is too specialist to be doing anything on the command deck
to be consistant with the logic of running a small ship with a three oerson crew all there would wake simultaneously and the medical officer would do an immediate physical on the other crew members and then they would go to the flight deck and deal with things.

for your scenario to have any validity you need to have equipement malfunction at the beginning and dead crew.
other wise the medical officer would not have even left the hyb room until both her crew mates were revived.

or you need to have the computer challenging the medical officer and demanding authorisatoion for command change.
It is also doubtful that on a ship with an autonomous computer running things while the crew are in hyb that the medical officer would have any ability to even stop the computer talking neve mind take control of the ship without activation codes that she would not have access to unless the captain is dead and she has taken the codes from his safe.

by the way I have been reading science fiction and fantasy for forty years and have read probably every author you could name. I have also read military and adventure stuff, and traditional sailing ship naval stuff.
For your story to be interesting to anyone discerning you have to be consistant with life or creat a believable reality and make the rules of your reality clear so there is no confusion.
I am assuming that you want to write science fiction with a hot sexy scene or two, not a jerk off piece.
 
Thank you for all the time and effort you have put in.... and your correct I do not simply want to write a "jerk off" piece. I also enjoy writing from different genres. I could hardly believe how many errors were still in my work after I edited it.....lol.

I will have to learn to take more time as I am writing and editing.


As for my plot.......since it is short story I guess I did not feel the need to plan it out as well as I would a tale of length. I now see the that the same time in care need to put into short stories as well as longer ones.

I will finish this tale without a revision of the entire plot and I know by the end of the story all things will become clearer.

I too am a fan of science fiction and fantasy and have read extensively in these genres.

Again thnk you both for helping me look at my writing more seriously.

Brent
 
... A question Snooper! why did you change the characters eye colour to jade red? in my mind I can not recall anyone ever using the words jade red as a discription. jade green would be normal. ...
It's complicated, but I had all that posting ready using green for the changes and when I previewed it I decided that things like commas didn't show up well, so I copied and pasted the whole reply into Notepad and did a global change from "green" to "red" (thereby changing all the "color=" entries at one go) and then copy and pasted back into the posting. I completely failed to notice the eyes!

... or you need to have the computer challenging the medical officer and demanding authorisatoion for command change. ...
Since there are things only the Captain can do (like launching ICBMs), how do you convince the ship's computer that the Captain is (as the Navy so tactfully puts it) "suddenly unavailable in battle conditions", without the number two being able to take over the ship if (s)he goes mad?

If you can answer that convincingly any navy in the world will pay you good money to tell them!
 
It's complicated, but I had all that posting ready using green for the changes and when I previewed it I decided that things like commas didn't show up well, so I copied and pasted the whole reply into Notepad and did a global change from "green" to "red" (thereby changing all the "color=" entries at one go) and then copy and pasted back into the posting. I completely failed to notice the eyes!

Since there are things only the Captain can do (like launching ICBMs), how do you convince the ship's computer that the Captain is (as the Navy so tactfully puts it) "suddenly unavailable in battle conditions", without the number two being able to take over the ship if (s)he goes mad?

If you can answer that convincingly any navy in the world will pay you good money to tell them!
I agrre that is the point I am also making.
even on a merchant vessel this lady would find herself locked up for what she is doing. unless she has convinced the computer that she is the only one left.
 
I think the key point here is that it does not matter how long a story is it has to be internally consistant or it isn't worth reading. This applies to any genre. I think this is especially important when you are in a genre like Scifi which is not exactly mainstream and so your only readers are going to be those who are Scifi readers and my personal belief is that they tend to be discerning about the scifi aspect first and the sex second.

not that many people ever read Scifi.
If in doubt about that go to your local book store and see how small the scifi section is. even lumped together with the outright fantasy stuff it is small!
 
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I've got a teeny tiny little thing to comment on, it's a three person crew with a medical officer?

I don't think so. I mean look the military, every platoon has one or two medics, they are nothing more than glorified paramedics with slightly more training. The navy has a medical team, of I think it's 8 for cruisers, more or less depending on the size of the craft, the coast guard gets one per cutter. A three man crew would warrant nothing more than a computer driven care system and basic training for the three persons.

I mean think about it a three person space ship would be nothing more than a shipping container with engines the three crewmembers would simply make sure it does not crash on the trip. An exploration vessel would have 6-30 crewmembers, the different sciences would be represented, along with a medical crew of say 2 to assess the environment and creatures discovered. Along with a couple members of the ship crew and some military protection, which probably are also part of the ship crew. Course a 6 man crew wouldn't do much besides run basic scans of a solar system and move on.
 
Ok... Point taken. I have to admit that I wrote this story in haste hell I didn't even write an outline.
Writing in general is kind of a new thing for me....however the concepts of creation are not.

But I want to thank you honestly for showing me that erotica writers take the conceptual aspects of their stories seriously.

As a favor to myself and to honor you all I will rewrite the entire story beginning with an outline.

When the story is complete say in a weeks time I will re-post it here for all to read.

This thread has been like gold to me... Thanks
 
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