Editing help needed

[Levelhead]

I have a rejected story titled: "A Crowded Bar" It is pretty short, only 2515 words.

My story needs punctuation help. I believe I have some misplaced commas and
quotation marks. I am simply a little out of practice when it comes to writing dialog, so don't expect a trainwreck.

In addition to that, I'd like some feedback. My story describes an encounter between a man and woman that meet in a crowded bar. I'm trying to put the reader in that bar. I think I can improve on setting the stage and injecting the reader into that place in time.

I'm going to take the liberty of posting it right here. I'm open to any all and all constructive criticism, so post away!

Thanks.

Crowded Bar
By
Levelhead

Just another night away from home on business, I think I’ll duck into this crowded bar for a drink; it looks hoppin’. Not three steps in the door, we make eye contact from across the room. I think to myself, hmm, she's sexy. While I'm not prone to approach women in bars, I find myself walking in your direction. I squeeze sideways along side your bar stool and get the attention of the bartender. Our eyes lock again and I say hello. The view down the front of your low cut top is a distraction almost too magnetizing to block out, I can't remember what I say next, but I hear my brain screaming at my eyes to quit leering and look up!

"Sure I'll have another beer" you say, so obviously I've offered to buy you a drink. The bartender returns with our beers and we each take a sip and smile. The music is loud and the crowd is continuing to build. I feel another bar patron attempt to get an elbow on the bar behind me and in the process pushes me up against your stool and my growing bulge brushes across your knee. I turn to look at the drunken jerk next to me to draw attention away from the moment of embarrassment.

"Excuse me" I apologize, "I don't usually make a move this early on in a relationship.

"So we are in a relationship now?" you tease as I try to recover.

"Well, we damn near conceived a child when that drunken bastard behind me fell into the bar!"

"Why don't I let you take the stool and I will stand over here where there's more room". As I slide down into your spot, my eyes follow the curvy contour of your oh-so-fuckable ass. I rotate my stool towards you stand with one leg between mine. The fragrance of your perfume lingers and it triggers my primal senses. I watch you lick your lips dry as you take another sip from your beer and an involuntary grin covers my face.

"What are you grinning about?" you laugh.

"A gentleman would never share what I have on my mind right now" I dangle like bait.

"Try me" you boldly challenge.

"Ok, but don't throw your drink in my face if you are offended."

"I don't offend easily"

"I was just looking at those beautiful wet lips of yours and wondering what it would be like to kiss them."

"That's offensive?" you say as if disappointed my thoughts were so tame. Without a moments notice you plant a quick kiss on my lips and retreat.

"Wait a second" I protest, "I wasn't ready, what's a guy to learn from that?"

At that moment, another surge from the mob crushes us up against the bar shoving you into me. With your chest pressed up against mine I say, "Look who’s putting on the aggressive moves now", "You are going to have to learn to control yourself". As you start to pull back, I wrap my hand around your back and hold you in close. "A guy doesn't get opportunities like this literally thrown in his lap all that often, I think you are going to have to earn your release now."

"Ok, what's your price, you…you kidnapper" you say with a smile.

"I think one prolonged kiss might do it, not that quick peck on the lips gave me a few minutes ago, but a long pondering kiss where a tongue may slip into the mix." Before you have time to respond to my demands, I've lowered my face down to yours and our lips meet. The heels of your hands go to my shoulders as if to push away, but they weaken as the kiss becomes electrically charged. The hand around your back slides down over your ass and I give it a little squeeze.

"Uh" is the only sound that comes from your mouth as you stand in virtual disbelief at what just happened. You are now completely lost as your mind attempts to process the tidal wave of data flooding your brain. Was it the softness of his lips or the way his tongue subtly met yours inside your mouth? Was it the way his hand slid down your ass and pulled you in tighter? Was it his hard cock beneath his jeans you felt with the front of your thigh?

"Now that's the kind of kiss that you can learn from." I whisper. You look me in the eye and it’s as if we are the only two people in the room. Funny thing about a crowded bar, the more people that cram into it, the more anonymous you feel. The people around us are completely oblivious to our little exchange, and my hand has slid lower and is now cupping the back of your thigh. I release the tightness my grip a little and you create some space between us. My heartbeat returns to its normal pace and I suddenly realize I am thirsty again. I lift my bottle of beer off the bar and swallow the last ounce. I raise my hand to get the bartender's attention and he approaches. "I'll have another beer sir, and get my lady friend whatever she likes."
You take this opportunity to peruse the drink menu as you are ready to depart from beer and try something more intoxicating. I back up my stool and allow you to place yourself between me and the bar. While the bartender stands before us, you scan the menu and ponder whether to order the strawberry margaritas or pomegranate martini. As you bend slightly over the bar to read the menu. I run my hand up the inside your thigh all the way to your crotch. The crowd around us senses nothing. You part your legs slightly and pretend to read the menu while my fingers massage the mound of your pussy through your jeans.

"I'll h-h-have the pomegranate martini" you stutter as you press back into me. The bartender departs to fetch our drinks and you sit back onto my lap. The space to our side where you were previously standing is consumed by the crowd and you find the space in front of me is the only one left. "You are a naughty, naughty boy" you whisper as you remove my hand from your crotch.

"I couldn't help myself, you really shouldn't leave your body in such a vulnerable position, you know how men can get to groping in a crowded bar." I say as my hand roams up your front and squeeze a handful of breast.

"What am I going to do with you?" you say in mock protest as you allow my hand to linger and pinch a quickly swelling nipple before citing it for trespassing. Your ass is now firmly placed on my lap and you slightly grind on my raging hard on and release a breathy sigh that exposes the hormones coursing through your system. You cross your arms in front of your chest and lean forward. This allows my hand to sneak up your front for another feel and you allow the hand to move from one breast over to the other under your concealing arms. The bartender returns with our drinks and I drop my hand below your chest and rest it comfortably on your stomach. The bartender delivers the drinks and gives me a knowing smile.

You turn to me and smile, then lift your martini glass to my bottle of Heineken and say "cheers!"

"Cheers to you too, and by the way, my name is Dave."

"Nice to meet you, I am Tina."

"That pomegranate 'tini looks good, may I have a taste?"

"Sure" you say and start to hand the glass to me.

"Not that way" I interrupt, "I think it would taste much better coming directly from your mouth.

You cast a wicked grin my way and lift the glass to your lips. You suction a small amount of liquid from within and hold it on your tongue. I move in and our lips meet. You stream the contents in your mouth into mine and I take full advantage of the meeting our lips. I kiss you hard and run my hand up your thigh to your crotch again. "How's that?" you ask.

"I knew it would be delicious, but it's even better served directly from your mouth"
You rotate your body on my lap and offer no resistance to the fingers between your legs vigorously massaging your pussy. You place a hand on my crotch and squeeze the outline of a very large cock straining to find freedom. We proceed to discretely explore each others bodies: legs, ass, arms, chest, neck, forearms; just little touches that much like the rest of our movements are going completely unnoticed by the partiers crammed in next to us.

"I think I need to use the restroom," you announce with the final gulp of your martini.

"Me too, " I lie as I grab your hand and follow you through the crowd. Once away from the bar and down the hall leading to the restrooms I notice a dark corner back by the rear entrance. You peel off to the restroom and I do the same while I begin to evolve my plan.

"That's better," you say upon leaving the ladies room. "That martini went right to my head." I notice your chest is flush down through your cleavage and cannot help but admire your assets. Without speaking, I press you against the wall and place a hard passionate kiss on your mouth. You feel my hands move up your front and maul a breast. You kiss me back passionately as I begin to shuffle us down the hall towards the exit. Just before the exit, just off to the side, is a small nook where it appears pay phones used to exist. I force you back into the dark corner and immediately shove my hand down inside the front of your jeans.

"I've been dying to get my bare fingers on that hot pussy I've been feeling through your jeans," I whisper into your ear with hot breath. I turn your body away from me and brush aside the hair on your neck to allow my lips and tongue direct access to your skin. My lips reach your earlobe and my teeth take over with little nibbles. You reach back behind you and place your hand on my thigh, then move it to my crotch. You feel my hand on your neck and chin as it turns your face. Our lips meet again and you hardly notice that my free hand has unzipped your fly and that your jeans are creeping down your hips. You feel a middle finger insert up inside your now dripping wet pussy and you gasp for air.

"I want to suck your cock" you announce as I press your shoulders down to the ground.

Another couple with similar plans turns the corner into our space. They stop a few feet away and have no problem continuing their activities while you unzip my fly and pull out my throbbing hard cock. The man is completely preoccupied with the woman's body and she willingly lets him explore her chest, ass and pussy. She glances over at you and sees the magnitude of the cock you are engulfing and utters a gasp. You look over and smile, and demonstrate a few long strokes with your hand as if showing off a trophy. You admire it again, then take it deep into your mouth and throat again. You spit on top of it and suck it some more. You notice the woman continuing to glance your way while her man fingers her pussy. I lift you to your feet and turn you away from me.

"You ready for some cock?" I tease as I bend you over hard at the waist. I position my cock at your opening and you begin pressing back into me. Your dripping pussy stretches to accommodate the rock hard rod. At this point, a third couple enters the space and the loud and rowdy bar rocks on without any particular regard for the sexual activities talking place in the back. I begin fucking you harder and harder as you grunt and groan. You are soo hot to fuck you could care less who stops to watch, and the cock filling you so completely has you on the verge of what is sure to the be first of many explosive orgasms. As you feel the first orgasm begin to surface, you suddenly feel a hard stinging slap on your ass cheek that acts as a launch pad for your first orgasm. Your pussy floods with juices and your body shudders from the first massive quake. "That's my girl, take that cock and make it yours", I command as you start bucking back harder and harder. Another slap on the other cheek reminds you this is rough and primal sex, and when I grab a handful of hair and pull your head back hard, you growl.


"Fuck me like a slutty bitch!" you bark as I plow into you harder and harder.

"You like getting taken hard like a trashy whore?" I brazenly accuse.

"Yes, fuck me like the slut I am, harder, rougher. I want more!"

With that I release my grip on your hair and reach my arm around your neck with your through in the hinge of my elbow.

"You like it rough?" I ask as I clamp my arm down tight on your throat. You lose you ability to breath and feel your face grow red and hot. At that very moment you also feel the impact of my cock pounding into the deepest recesses of your pussy. Your pussy feels a subtle hurt in its strain to accept the girth of the cock inside it, the muscles inside spasm in involuntary orgasm and your head begins to spin from the lack of oxygen. I release my grip just as the orgasm sends your body into convulsion. I announce my own orgasm is cumming which prompts you immediately pull my cock out throw your mouth down onto it.

"Give me your cum, I want it down my throat." You say between strokes. You stroke it harder and faster with your mouth, just covering the head, when you feel the first blast of cum hit the back of your throat. You continue to suck and stroke it pumping blast after blast into your eager mouth and swallowing throat.

"AWWWWW!, that's it, take it all down your throat you hot fucking slut!"

"Yum," you respond as you lick your lips and swallow hard.

"Let's get out of here Tina," I say as you pick your bra up off the floor. "You are coming home with me and I am going to do nasty things to you all night."

"Okay, it's hard to get intimate in such a crowded bar."

 

[Guest]

Sent you a PM.

 

[kbate]

I looked at it, briefly, but would not accept it, as it is written in the second person present - probably the most clumsy voice possible for erotica. You should change the entire story to third person (using she/her) rather than "you, your".

In U.S. English -- the punctuation always goes inside the quotations. Follow this, and you can be accepted, if not readable.

 

[snoopercharmbrights]

... In U.S. English -- the punctuation always goes inside the quotations. Follow this, and you can be accepted, if not readable.

This is true.

... You should change the entire story to third person (using she/her) rather than "you, your". ...

And cut out the narrator voice (All those I did this ..., I said that ..., elements)

... it is written in the second person present - probably the most clumsy voice possible for erotica. ...

That is a bit harsh. First person addressing a second person is difficult, but done properly (usually in letter format) it can be very readable.

Mu complaint, as a volunteer editor, is the extremely limited audience appeal. If I were the sort of uncouth young man who would indulge in drinking beer from the bottle instead of from a glass, and who would indulge in overtly sexual activities in public places I might find this story acceptable. However, since I cannot identify with either of the main characters I find it uninteresting. Clearly when the narrator says "... I turn to look at the drunken jerk next to me ..." he is patronising a most unsalubrious bar.

 

[Levelhead]

thanks for the feedback, I will post the revised story

I appreciate all the feedback I have received here and have already rewritten the story in the third person.

Naturally, I'd like everyone to enjoy the story, but if some don't that's fine. I was attempting to give the characters a raunchy encounter in a raucous bar. I suppose that qualifies as an insalubrious (nice word) setting, and not one I'd care to live out personally. But the process of writing it has been fun, and I'm learning to become a better writer to boot. It might not become the breath-taking blockbuster thrill ride of the season, but somebody out there will like it.

 

[snoopercharmbrights]

I appreciate all the feedback I have received here and have already rewritten the story in the third person.

Naturally, I'd like everyone to enjoy the story, but if some don't that's fine. I was attempting to give the characters a raunchy encounter in a raucous bar. I suppose that qualifies as an insalubrious (nice word) setting, and not one I'd care to live out personally. But the process of writing it has been fun, and I'm learning to become a better writer to boot. It might not become the breath-taking blockbuster thrill ride of the season, but somebody out there will like it.

Please do not misinterpret me; I was not casting any aspersions on you as a person, rather on the appeal of the story. Somebody out there will, indeed, like it, but if it is high votes you are after, then you need a lot of people to like it.

I write Mdom BDSM, but I have never spanked a woman (even in sexual situations) let alone used a whip. I would never confuse an author's writing decisions with their personal life.

 

[kbate]

That is a bit harsh. First person addressing a second person is difficult, but done properly (usually in letter format) it can be very readable.

Mu complaint, as a volunteer editor, is the extremely limited audience appeal. If I were the sort of uncouth young man who would indulge in drinking beer from the bottle instead of from a glass, and who would indulge in overtly sexual activities in public places I might find this story acceptable. However, since I cannot identify with either of the main characters I find it uninteresting. Clearly when the narrator says "... I turn to look at the drunken jerk next to me ..." he is patronising a most unsalubrious bar.

Yes, the comment was harsh - but in my opinion, accurate. Most who write in First/second person - believe they are drawing the reader into the situation by addressing them as "you". However, I am rarely impressed by the sexual activity (for many reasons) in stories I read or edit, and therefore - 'you' fits poorly and puts me off even more than mediocre writing.

You draw readers into a fictional story by creating interesting characters, and keeping within suspension of disbelief (SoD) throughout. You make an interesting conflict, and resolve it through character dialogue and action.

Telling me that the bar is crowded (twice), does not work - especially when the narrator somehow knew prior to entry that the bar was crowded. (SoD problem).

I am impressed by the simple fact, that this writer appears willing to accept criticism and to work with his story, rather than confront and argue its merit.

 

[Surt]

Dejected request for an editor

Looks good to me.

 

[Levelhead]

A Crowded Bar (Rev #3)

Big thanks to all that took the time to comment, and a huge kudos to Gnome DePlume for all his effort editing what, in hindsight, was a pretty messed up piece of work. He was generous with his time and challenged me to me improve this without flat-out giving me all the answers. Something tells me he has a future as a teacher.

I don't know if I have the stomach to revise this again, so I hope you all consider this complete. That said, please share your feedback.

Crowded Bar
by
Levelhead

Just another night away from home on business. I think I’ll duck into this crowded bar for a drink; it looks hoppin’. Not three steps in the door, we make eye contact from across the room. I think to myself, hmm, she's sexy. While I'm not prone to approaching women in bars, I find myself walking in her direction. I squeeze sideways alongside her bar stool and get the attention of the bartender. Our eyes lock again and I say hello. The view down the front of her low cut top is a distraction almost too magnetizing to block out. I can't remember what I say next, but I hear my brain screaming at my eyes to quit leering and look up!

"Sure, I'll have another beer," she says, so obviously I've offered to buy her a drink. The bartender returns with our beers and we each take a sip and smile. The music is loud and the crowd is continuing to build. I feel another bar patron attempt to get an elbow on the bar behind me. In the process he pushes me up against her stool and my growing bulge brushes across her knee. I turn to look at the drunken jerk next to me to deflect attention away from the awkward moment, and then look back at her.

"Excuse me," I apologize. "I don't usually make a move this early on in a relationship.”

"So, we are in a relationship now?" she teases as I try to recover.

"Well, we damn near conceived a child when that drunken bastard behind me fell into the bar!"

"Why don't I let you take the stool and I’ll stand over here where there's more room.” As I slide down into your spot, my eyes follow the curvy contour of her firm ass. I rotate my stool towards hers as she stands with one leg between mine. The fragrance of her perfume lingers and triggers my primal senses. I watch her lick her lips dry as she takes another sip from her beer. An involuntary grin covers my face.

"What are you grinning about?" she laughs.

"A gentleman would never share what I have on my mind right now." I dangle the words like bait.

"Try me," she challenges boldly.

"Ok, but don't throw your drink in my face if you are offended."

"I don't offend easily."

"I was just looking at those beautiful wet lips of yours and wondering what it would be like to kiss them."

"That's offensive?" she says, as if disappointed my thoughts were so tame. Without a moment’s notice, she plants a quick kiss on my lips and retreats.

"Wait a second," I protest, "I wasn't ready. What's a guy to learn from that?"



Another surge from the mob crushes us up against the bar, shoving her into me. With her chest pressed up against mine I say, "Look who’s putting on the aggressive moves now."

"You are going to have to learn to control yourself."

As she starts to pull back, I wrap my hand around her back and hold her in close. "A guy doesn't get opportunities like this literally thrown in his lap all that often. I think you’re going to have to earn your release now."

"Ok, what's your price, you… you kidnapper?" she laughs.

"That quick peck on the lips you gave me a few minutes ago won’t cut it, but a long pondering kiss could buy your freedom." Allowing little time to respond to the ransom demand, my mouth covers hers and our lips meet. The heels of her hands go to my shoulders as if to push away, but they weaken as the kiss becomes more electrically charged. The hand around her back slides down over her ass and gives it a little squeeze.

"Uh" is the only sound that comes from her mouth as she stands in virtual disbelief at what just happened. She looks completely lost as her mind attempts to process the tidal wave of data flooding her brain. Was it the softness of my lips or the way my tongue subtly met hers inside her mouth, I wonder? Was it the way my hand slid down her ass and pulled her in tighter? Was it my hard cock beneath my jeans that she felt with the front of her thigh?

"Now, that's the kind of kiss that you can learn from," I whisper. She looks me in the eye and it’s as if we are the only two people in the room.

Funny thing about a crowded bar, the more people that cram into it, the more anonymous one feels. The people around us are completely oblivious to our little exchange. My hand slides lower and cups the back of her thigh. I release the tightness of my grip a little to create some space between us.

My heartbeat returns to its normal pace and I suddenly realize I’m thirsty again. I lift my bottle of beer off the bar and swallow the last ounce. I raise my hand to get the bartender's attention and he approaches. "I'll have another beer sir, and get my lady friend whatever she likes."

She reaches for the drink menu, and I move my stool back to allow her to situate herself between me and the bar. While the bartender stands before us, she bends slightly over the bar to read the menu, and I run my hand up the inside her thigh all the way to her crotch. The crowd around us senses nothing. She parts her legs slightly and pretends to read the menu while my fingers massage the mound of her pussy through her jeans.

"I'll h-h-have the pomegranate martini," she stutters and presses back into me.
"You are a naughty, naughty boy," she whispers and removes my hand from her crotch. The bartender departs to fetch our drinks. The space to our side she previously occupied has been consumed by the crowd. Realizing the predicament, she sits back onto my lap.

"I couldn't help myself. You really shouldn't leave your body in such a vulnerable position; you know how men can get to groping in a crowded bar," I say as my hand roams up her front and squeezes a handful of breast.

"What am I going to do with you?" she complains in mock protest. My hand lingers on her soft, round breast and pinches a quickly swelling nipple before getting cited for trespassing.

Her ass, now placed firmly on my lap, subtly begins to grind on the bulge beneath it. A breathy sigh escapes her lips revealing the emotions stirring within. She crosses her arms in front of her chest and leans forward. This allows my hand to sneak up her front for another feel. She permits the hand to move from one breast to the other under her concealing arms. The bartender returns with our drinks; I drop my hand below her chest and rest it comfortably on her stomach. He sets down the drinks and gives me a knowing smile.

She turns to me and smiles, then lifts her martini glass to my bottle of Heineken and says, "Cheers!"

"Cheers to you too, and by the way, my name is Dave."

“Nice to meet you, I’m Tina.”

"That pomegranate 'tini looks good, may I have a taste?"

"Sure," she says, extending the glass in my direction.

"Not that way," I interrupt. "I think it would taste much better coming directly from your mouth.”

She casts a wicked grin my way and lifts the glass to her lips. She suctions a small amount of liquid and holds it on her tongue. I move in and our lips meet. She streams the contents from her mouth into mine and I take full advantage of the meeting of our lips, kissing her hard and running my hand up her thigh to her crotch again.

"How's that?" she smiles.

"I knew it would be delicious, but it's even better served directly from your mouth."

She rotates her body on my lap. As her hard nipples rake across my chest, she offers no resistance to the fingers between her legs vigorously massaging her pussy. She places a hand on my crotch and squeezes the outline of a very large cock straining to find freedom. We proceed to discretely explore each others’ bodies—legs, ass, arms, chest, neck, forearms—just little touches that, much like the rest of our movements, are going completely unnoticed by the partiers crammed in next to us.

With one final gulp of her martini she announces, "I think I need to use the restroom."

"Me, too.” She hops down off my lap and I grab her hand to follow her through the crowd. Down the hall leading to the restrooms, I notice a dark corner back by the rear entrance. She peels off to the restroom and I begin to evolve my plan as I do the same.

"That's better," she says upon leaving the ladies’ room, "but that martini went right to my head."

I notice her chest is flushed down through her ample cleavage. I step back to fully survey her body and without speaking, press her against the wall and place a hard, passionate kiss on her mouth. She feels my hand move up her front to maul a breast. She kisses me back passionately as I begin to shuffle us down the hall. Just before the exit, off to the side, is a small nook where it appears pay phones used to exist. I force her back into the dark corner and immediately shove my hand down inside the front of her jeans.

"I've been dying to get my bare fingers on what I've been feeling through your jeans," I whisper into her ear with hot breath. She turns her body away from me and brushes aside the hair on her neck allowing my lips and tongue direct access to her skin. My lips reach her earlobe and my teeth take over with little nibbles. She reaches back and places her hand on my thigh, then moves it to my crotch. My fingers on her chin turn her lips to mine. They meet again and she hardly reacts to the free hand that has gone from inside her panties to unzipping her jeans. As they slide down her hips, I insert my middle finger up inside her now dripping wet pussy. She gasps for air and presses her crotch into my hand.

Moving her hands over my crotch she whispers, "I want to suck your cock." Turning and dropping to her knees, she pulls down my pants and reaches inside my boxer briefs to release my throbbing member.

Just then, another couple, obviously with similar plans, turns the corner and enters the small space. They stop a few feet away and the woman willingly lets him explore her chest, ass and pussy. She glances over at us as if to see the magnitude of the cock being sucked. The woman continues to watch while her man fingers her pussy. Tina sees her audience and displays her trophy for the other woman. She spits on it, and then jacks it up and down with long strokes. With a wink, she demonstrates her talent for taking a cock deep into her throat. The other woman gasps. I lift Tina to her feet and turn her away from me.

"You ready for some cock?" I tease and bend her over hard at the waist. [I position my cock at her opening and she begins pressing back into me. Her dripping pussy stretches to accommodate the rock hard rod. She places her palms on the wall to steady herself. At this point, a third couple enters the space and the loud and rowdy bar rocks on without any particular regard for the sexual activities taking place in the back. I begin fucking Tina harder and harder as she groans and fucks back. It seems she couldn’t care less who stops to watch as the cock filling her so completely has rendered her indifferent to everything else around her. As she starts to gasp for air, I jolt her with a sudden stinging slap on her ass cheek. The shock acts as a launch pad for her first orgasm. Her pussy floods with juices and her body shudders from the massive quake. "That's my girl, take that cock and make it yours," I command her. Tina responds by bucking back harder and harder. A slap on the other cheek reminds her that this is rough, primal sex.

When I grab a handful of hair and pull her head back hard, she growls, "Fuck me like a slutty bitch!"

"You like getting taken hard like a trashy whore?" I accuse.

"Yes, fuck me like the slut I am, harder, rougher. I want more!"

With that I release my grip on her hair and reach my arm around her neck, her throat in the hinge of my elbow.

"You like it rough?" I ask, clamping my arm down tight on her throat. She loses her ability to breathe and I feel her face grow red and hot. At that very moment she also feels the impact of my cock pounding into the deepest recesses of her pussy. Her pussy feels a subtle pain as it strains to accept the girth of the cock inside it. The muscles inside spasm in involuntary orgasm and her head begins to spin from the lack of oxygen. She reaches to pull the hand from her throat I release just as the orgasm sends her body into convulsion. She arches her back and reaches back to grab his ass and pull it tightly against her rigid quaking body. As the tremors begin to subside, I return to sliding my cock in and out of her through her tightly contracted internal muscles. The glorious massage-like sensation quickly has me announcing my own impending orgasm. With this news, she immediately pulls my cock out and throws her mouth down onto it.

"Give me your cum, I want it down my throat," she says, pausing between strokes. She jacks it harder and faster, her mouth just covering the head. Just moments later, the first blast of cum hits the back of her throat. She continues to work it, pumping blast after blast into her eager mouth and swallowing throat.


"Oh, fuck!... Shit!..aww.. That's it, take it all down your throat, you hot fucking slut!"

She licks her lips and swallows hard. "Yum.”

"Let's get out of here, Tina," I say as we gather up our clothes. "You are coming home with me and I’m going to do nasty things to you all night."

With a cavalier smile she responds, "You’re right, it's hard to get intimate in such a crowded bar."

 

[Levelhead]

Is anyone going to make a comment? I'd gladly receive a "you suck" comment over dead air.

 

[miss_trust]

pm sent

i'm not a volunteer editor so i hope it's alright that i jumped in - feel free to shake a finger, smack a wrist or give me the stink eye if this is bad behavior - i don't mind being chastised if i step over lines i need to be aware of.

 

[Levelhead]

thanks for the feedback

I don't need to see any official credentials. Any and all are welcome to comment here and I appreciate them all.

 

[Guest]

I don't need to see any official credentials. Any and all are welcome to comment here and I appreciate them all.

"Badges? We don' need no stinking badges!"