Ease the transition?

[SweetErika]

My husband is going to be in CA for a few days, then 1-2 weeks and finally a month. He'll also be traveling in the region for the summer, but we'll be able to go stay with him for a good portion of that.

Last year, our son was 13-17 months and took it pretty hard, even though I did my best to be really positive about it and we stayed in touch via the phone and Skype. It was enough of an issue that I saw behavior changes and it took a long time for our little guy to get reacquainted with his dad.

This year, I'm very concerned our son will take it as abandonment. He lives to see Dad come home from work daily, playtime and frequently gets upset when my husband leaves. He needs a lot of structure; if we miss something in his bedtime routine, for instance, he has a terrible time getting to sleep. And we're already just managing his existing behavior issues that stem from his Sensory Disorder. Basically, I'm very concerned about how he'll view Dad leaving, being gone for so long and react to the whole thing.

Today I started talking with him about how Dad was going on some big trips for work and we'd get to see him on TV and do lots of phone calls with him. Hubby and I have also discussed sending the little guy snail mail, although frequent mailings might be a stretch given his schedule while he's away. I've been tempted to avoid the whole issue and just adapt as needed, and obviously I don't want to make a huge deal of it (thereby actually making it more difficult), but my instincts and experience say we need to do some preparation and have coping mechanisms at the ready.

Other than feeding him info in ways he can understand and keeping busy, I'm looking for ways to ease the transition and time for our son. Are there any cool rituals you know of that help little ones understand their parent is away, but will be back? Ways of explaining the concepts? Other things I/we can do, or should be doing?

Thanks in advance!

 

[YankeeGirl74]

First thing that comes to mind is perhaps you and your son can pick out a stuffed animal that go on Daddy's trips with him. Now if he's like my son, he'll at first want to give him something from his own collection and then have a meltdown on the first day Daddy is gone and he realizes his animal is too. So what I did the time after is took my son shopping for an inexpensive buddy for Daddy. We pack him in Daddy's suitcase with a cute note and Daddy sends pictures every day (along with his communications) of the special buddy on his trip. I know that it was probably the last thing my hubby wanted to do while being on the road but the 5 minutes a day to arrange a cute photo and upload to us helped. We talked a lot about the special buddy "helping to watch over Daddy", etc and I encouraged my son to give it lots of hugs and kisses before we packed it so that "he" could give them to Daddy.

Also I found a visual helped him to with the time. The concept of days & calender depending on the age can be difficult so I made a simple chain out of paper strips. One loop for each day Daddy was gone. It was a great tangible visual for our son. It is something similar that my friends with their spouses on deployment use to help their children as well.

Good luck!!!

 

[Aviator1976]

I agree with Yankee

I am gone for work a lot and have found what Yankee said works. On my last trip I took a $1 plastic Batman figure with me and sent pictures of him home. I took pictures of coworkers holding him, pics that made it look like Batman was punching me, and pics that made it look like Batman was drinking my beer. My son was 3 and loved it.

Also use Skype or face time.

 

[SweetErika]

Those are great ideas guys, thanks! Maybe Dad could get Monkey a special friend, too, so he has a little extra something to cuddle when he's missing his dad, and we could even take pics with it to show Dad all the fun WE'RE having.

Our son is a paper-destroyer, but perhaps we could do a container of treats or something, so he could take one out to mark the end of each day and watch them disappear. I bet a box of books would work as well, so we could read a "Daddy story" each night.

Skype is definitely a big part of staying connected! Last year our son started thinking his dad had somehow morphed into the screen and started calling him "TV Daddy." Hopefully he'll get the concept better this year.

 

[YankeeGirl74]

Those are great ideas guys, thanks! Maybe Dad could get Monkey a special friend, too, so he has a little extra something to cuddle when he's missing his dad, and we could even take pics with it to show Dad all the fun WE'RE having.

Our son is a paper-destroyer, but perhaps we could do a container of treats or something, so he could take one out to mark the end of each day and watch them disappear. I bet a box of books would work as well, so we could read a "Daddy story" each night.

Skype is definitely a big part of staying connected! Last year our son started thinking his dad had somehow morphed into the screen and started calling him "TV Daddy." Hopefully he'll get the concept better this year.

A mutual buddy would be a sweet idea!

There's endless possibilities to help him with the countdown. A container of treats is a perfect idea. I love the book idea even more. Maybe you could have Daddy record himself reading a few of the books before he leaves and you could play that for your son and have him follow along with the book.

 

[SweetErika]

Books are definitely preferable to me, too, and the little guy loves to read.

However, like Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and Sesame Street, treats are very powerful motivators for him. The closest he ever gets to any candy is a couple of chocolate chips or a mini marshmallow here and there, so non-fruit-sugar is like a big party in his mouth! I think even if we made smaller versions of Dad's relatively healthy cookies or did mini marshmallows, it'd put a very positive spin on getting through each day. We don't use food as a reward for potty training or anything, but I'm sure he'd rather behave well and get the treat in his mouth vs. having it thrown away if he behaves poorly that day. So, maybe it'd be a multitasking addition to the books and other stuff we do while his dad's gone. He's a very, um, spirited child, so we have to consider pulling out all the stops when times get tough!

 

[RnRNvr4Gtz]

I'm retired Air Force, so I had my share of trips away from the family, short trips as well as long trips. It's tough for a child to understand the concept of time until his dad (or mom) will return and their reactions are only natural according to their age. The excitement of the reunion can be stressful for children. They can get anxious and uncertain about the reunion. The responses they have are definately influenced by their developmental level. Toddlers may not remember the parent well and act shy or strange around them. You gotta remember this is only a natural reaction. A trick my wife used was to sit down with him and get a little creative with him and make a calender with the days until my return. If you know he'll be gone for 17 days, you can make a calender 17 days long and have him cross off or color in each day until his dad returns. It will be his daily task to cross off another day and he'll get into that routine. Maybe you can associate something important with each day that is crossed off. Something special to him. Hope this helps you out.

 

[bailadora]

I love the book idea even more. Maybe you could have Daddy record himself reading a few of the books before he leaves and you could play that for your son and have him follow along with the book.

In addition to this - what about making a recording of Monkey Child reading to Daddy? You read a line and then he repeats it. I know they have the attention span of gnats at this age, but it could be something you guys do in bits. You could wait to get it all accumulated or you could send it to Hubby piecemeal.

WRT to bedtime routine: if Hubby is in the habit of reading or singing to your son at this time period, maybe this is something you could incorporate into your nightly Skype routine. My husband relocated out of state 6 months ahead of us and he was able to keep his nighttime traditions with the kids in this manner. And even though my kids are significantly older than Monkey Child, it was something they really, really looked forward to each evening.

Best of luck to you all, Erika. May the time fly swiftly.

 

[SweetErika]

I'm retired Air Force, so I had my share of trips away from the family, short trips as well as long trips. It's tough for a child to understand the concept of time until his dad (or mom) will return and their reactions are only natural according to their age. The excitement of the reunion can be stressful for children. They can get anxious and uncertain about the reunion. The responses they have are definately influenced by their developmental level. Toddlers may not remember the parent well and act shy or strange around them. You gotta remember this is only a natural reaction.

Yep, shy and strange are certainly apt descriptors!

The first year, when he was an infant, he didn't remember Dad much, if at all. He knew the voice, but was weirded out by the actual guy.

He was excited about the reunions last year, but it still took months for him to acclimate. It seems like just when he gets really into having his dad back, the cycle starts anew. It's one of the big reasons my husband is job hunting - this schedule has just become way too hard on all of us, and the compensation is insufficient to make our lives even a little easier.

In addition to this - what about making a recording of Monkey Child reading to Daddy? You read a line and then he repeats it. I know they have the attention span of gnats at this age, but it could be something you guys do in bits. You could wait to get it all accumulated or you could send it to Hubby piecemeal.

WRT to bedtime routine: if Hubby is in the habit of reading or singing to your son at this time period, maybe this is something you could incorporate into your nightly Skype routine. My husband relocated out of state 6 months ahead of us and he was able to keep his nighttime traditions with the kids in this manner. And even though my kids are significantly older than Monkey Child, it was something they really, really looked forward to each evening.

Best of luck to you all, Erika. May the time fly swiftly.

I'm not sure about the recording, but we could certainly read some favorite/memorized books on Skype or something.

Our great sleeper has turned into a little vampire at night. We had him trained, but then he got sick and needed to nurse for comfort a lot, so he lost his ability to soothe himself to sleep in his own bed. I've been trying to wean him slowly and we've been working to get him back into falling asleep on his own, but apparently he needs the specific stimulation of nursing and cuddling to relax, and I'm betting on a regression once Dad leaves.

And about a week ago, he started waking up between 2 and 6am because he had to pee. He's been self-leading potty training since last summer, but he only pees in the potty and doesn't have the skills to go on even his little/floor potty unassisted. It's too many steps to get a PullUp down, sit down correctly, go, pull up his "undies" and then go back to sleep in his own bed. And he doesn't want to go in his diaper at night at all now! So, he comes in our room to wake me--and only me--up and take him to potty before he comes in our bed to snuggle and nurse for a bit. Then he gets up earlier than usual to pee again, leaving both of us even more exhausted until naptime. I've been trying to help him work on the steps and at least self-soothe himself back to sleep in our bed, but that's as far as we've gotten. I just can't interrupt the little sleep I get at night to work on helping him get back to sleep in his own bed, especially since I know it's all going to hell once Hubby leaves. The kid only needs to be up for a bit to be ready to go and has incredible willpower when it comes to staying up so he'll get to fall asleep with me in the way he likes best.

Anyway, I'm the main person in his bedtime routine, but I have no doubt Dad leaving will have a negative impact on the situation. I'll hope for the best, but I'd be a fool to not expect the worst on that one and realize we might just have to put some things off in order to survive, then get back on track in September at the very latest.

 

[HeyAll]

One time when I was really young, my dad was gone for a while for business, and when he came back he bought me a lot of cool Ninja Turtle toys and it was great. So if he hadn't already, tell him to come back with a box full of surprises. That should make up for some of the lost time.