Earth Day Story - Pam Sandwich

[Jaymal]

Hi Literoticans -

My contribution to the Earth Day contest has hit Lit. It's a rude yet tender story of a young woman and twin brothers having an afternoon's special bonding. In a nice rural setting. I hope you will read, vote and let me know what you think.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=472562

Best wishes and happy meaningful Earth Day,

Jaymal.

 

[Experiencedguy]

Hi. I saw your story when it first came out, and glanced at it. Then later I saw your new thread.

It seems like no one even cares to bother to reply.

After seeing this thread with no posts, I took pity, and did my best to work my way through the story.

Although it is true that this is a group sex story, I think the first strike, is due to your style, it should better fit into erotic couplings.

Second, almost three pages of buildup is just too much. In the story I am now writing, my introduction is currently just at one page, and I feel that is too much to maintain readers interest. I expect the entire story to be three pages, and am working on spreading the intro over the entire three pages, and probably cutting off about half of it, to get it down to an acceptable two and one half pages.

Third, with the build up you presented, I expected some really hot sex. But even though the story does have double penetration, it still comes across as somewhat vanilla.

And finally, I realize that you are from the British Isles. I do feel this story would do much better with a European audience than a primarily US group.

Mind you - this is just my opinion. I would love for someone to take the other side, and tell us how much they love it (probably it will do better with an adventurous straight female).

I can tell you put a considerable amount of work into this, and have written many other stories. Just because this example is not my personal cup of tea, please do not give up on your noteworthy endeavors.

Best personal regards

 

[Jaymal]

Hi Experiencedguy -

Thank you for taking the time to respond. Pity is not required - I posted the thread primarily to serve as a link to the story. Your points were interesting and let me respond briefly to each.

1. Category will always be tricky. While this particular story contains what some might think of as an 'erotic couplings' vibe, it also has three participants, so I went with 'group sex' in an effort not to mislead. Tough(ish) call, as the tone is less 'fuck-frenzy' and more 'good friends are nice to each other in a sexy way'.

2. Build up - I'm telling a character-based story with lots of tease and foreshadowing of what's to come, drawing in Earth Day-related themes. Some people will want to hang out with Pam and the twins for that time, some not. Fair enough. If a reasonable proportion of people are hooked beyond the first page, I've won. And I've had enough feedback so far to suggest that people are sticking with it and enjoying the experience. Having said that, if I were writing professionally a good editor might have me trim things down a bunch while holding onto the essence of the story. Which would be good.

3. Each fantasy acquires its own tone as it's written. Some will find this vanilla, some will find it - and I base this once again on feedback already received - erotic and touching. The sex, I hope, is always appropriate to the overall tone. I'm sorry Pam Sandwich didn't do it for you in this regard.

Oh yes - as for your US/Europe comment, I feel you underestimate the US audience of which you are a part. Your fellow-citizens are as diverse in their literary interests and as appreciative of tender loving threeway sex-on-a-picnic-blanket as those of us in Europe.

Once again thank you for your considered response and good luck in your own writing,

Jaymal

 

[Darkniciad]

I agree with you, Jaymal. If there are more than two people involved at the same time in a sexual situation, the story belongs in group sex. Erotic Couplings is clearly defined as wild one-on-one consensual sex.

 

[Jaymal]

Thanks for confirming that Dark One. Any thoughts on the 'overlong' and 'vanilla' comments???

 

[mia_erotica]

Jaymal fan club

I'm posting to your thread in the hopes that your response will give your your 69th post.

Jaymal, taking the time to set up the story as you did helps to make it a girl's fantasy. I think you are a very thoughtful writer in doing that, knowing who your fans are.

Mia

 

[Jaymal]

My 69th Post

Thank you very much, Mia.

It's important to keep one's fans in mind, don't you think? Especially when they're fellow-writers, whose opinions you trust and value. I'm glad you found Pam successful as a girl's fantasy - it could so easily have been otherwise...

 

[44special]

I liked the story. I even know a woman named Pam. I think I'll share the story with her, see what she thinks about it.
Thanx!

 

[Jaymal]

Thanks for that 44. I hope that the real Pam enjoys reading about her namesake.

 

[fridayam]

I read the story when you first posted it, and I think I commented on it then and voted (something too few people take the trouble to do, sadly). I enjoyed it very much and hope you will write more.

 

[Jaymal]

Tgif

Thanks Friday - I truly appreciate the feedback. It's pretty much what makes the writing worthwhile. I'll keep writing and hope that you'll check out some of my back catalogue.

 

[Darkniciad]

Thanks for confirming that Dark One. Any thoughts on the 'overlong' and 'vanilla' comments???

Look a my list, and you'll quickly see that "overlong" is hardly anything I'm qualified to comment on *laugh* Keeping anything other than a mindless stroke piece down to less than 3 pages takes Herculean efforts for me.

As to vanilla... I suspect that the readers in group sex might very well find something a bit more vanilla a welcome change of pace at times, as the category lends itself toward the wild.

 

[driphoney]

Hi Jaymal,

I haven't read your stories yet, but I should, and I will eventually.

I am a Yank, and I feel compelled, just in case the comments put off a Brit writer from posting, that I love British authored stories. I don't have any trouble with grammar, punctuation, spelling, slang, content, location, un-circ'd cocks, you name it. All of that is what makes it unique and interesting. I love for any story to take me away from my own environment and show me something different.

I've also read some fantastic stories here on Lit that wouldn't be pegged has highly erotic, and I've quite enjoyed them. Of course, sometimes I wish for just a tad longer take on the sex-play, but meh, it is what it is and I'm usually reading those kinds of stories for the story, not the stimulation. (Did I just say that? Girls aren't supposed to admit that, are they?)

As for vanilla and EC. I don't personally like group sex, and I never go to that topic. If I were to run across it in EC, I'd be disappointed. As for vanilla, I'm good with vanilla. Mexican vanilla, vanilla latte, vanilla pudding, vanilla creme anglaise . . .

That's just my take.

 

[Jaymal]

Thanks Dark, thanks driphoney - I appreciate the thoughts. Personally I think the vanilla comment suggested that the reader didn't expect to find any degree of affection and tenderness in the Group Sex category. I kind of see Pam Sandwich as a GS story for people who don't like GS stories, so it's likely that it'll work the other way around too. If you do read anything of mine, driphoney, let me know what you think. Constructive feedback always appreciated.

Jay

 

[DeParjure]

Jaymal:

Great story.

Jackie

 

[Jaymal]

Thanks, Jackie. Glad you enjoyed.

 

[Epmd607]

I was hoping this story would be about Pam from the Office.

http://www.fatbackmedia.com/nsfw/wp-content/uploads/2007/03/jenna-1-top.jpg

 

[D_K_Moon]

I was hoping this story would be about Pam from the Office.

http://www.fatbackmedia.com/nsfw/wp-content/uploads/2007/03/jenna-1-top.jpg

I'm not sure who that is, but I'm guessing you may want to look in the Celebrities section for stories of that nature.

 

[Jaymal]

Random Pams

Just read the story anyway.