Early Retirement feedback

[Frankly Speaking]

I have written 3 stories in the series, Early Retirement, and am contemplating more.
What writing elements am I missing?
Should the sexual passages be more detailed?
Any other comments?

 

[Omni]

Here is the link to your stories Frankly.

Frankly's Stories



Omni

 

[Chicklet]

Hey Frankly,

First off, hi, hello, and how are you?

Secondly, I'll start listing things I think you could improve to make your story more enjoyable. Keep in mind this is all just Chicklet's opinion.

In the beginning, the first three paragraphs at least, are very short and, well, curt. I found them uninteresting because of the short sentences you used:

I've never married so there's no Barbie. That is, by the way, an old joke. I am now a refugee from the high tech world. The company which I helped found was bought and I was able to cash out plus a work contract which now was complete.

I would suggest you try to make the paragraph flow more and not be so to the point. I felt as though each sentence was cut off before it was finished, which gave it sort of a "listing" feel.

Next, when he meets Sue Ann, there was a sentence I thought was very awkward:

I was trying to stare her in the eyes but those super breasts had caught my attention, also.

You should have worded this a little differently, maybe:

I tried to look her in the eye but her perfect breasts caught my attention first.

Okay I changed it enough to be my own stuff there, but what I did was took the "also" out of there and put in "first" - I think it sounded more real. For my personal tastes I took out "Stare her in the eyes" because that seemed really weird - why is he staring her in the eyes? It seemed agressive.

Okay further on when she's showing him the boat:

As she bent over to show me a feature on the boat, I would notice her ass as her shorts rode up.[/qupte]

I understand that you're trying to say she kept bending over, but I think that you should forget that and change this. It's...whatsit...Passive? You should make "would notice" just plain ol' "noticed." Check out how it reads that way, and *you* decide which is better.

As she bent over to show me a feature on the boat I noticed her ass, her shorts riding up.

I also changed the part about the shorts because I think it sounds better this way, makes more sense, know what I mean?

Your sex scene. I don't think that there was really anything wrong with this, but what keeps it from being hot is that it's sort of a play-by-play of what's going on. Your character isn't thinking anything. This is two strangers having sex - you could have a lot of fun dialogue if you wanted, and that would really lighten the mood. Let me start picking at it.

A long golden expanse of flesh was then before me with two firm mountains in the middle.

The highlighted part is boring. This should be an exciting part. If you forgot the play-by-play and concentrated on your character, you could make this better. Okay, so skin's being exposed. What does he think of the skin? What does he want to do with the skin?

Both of your sex scenes in chapter one are very short, two paragraphs for the first one and one for the second. There's nothing wrong with that, but you're trying to fit an awful lot of details in without actually giving us the details. Don't be afraid to just go off on the sex, tell us ALL about it. That's what your story is missing.

-Chicklet

 

[Rainbow Skin]

The writing's not bad at all. I can't really fault it: a little dull in parts, particularly in the dialogue. These make him sound like Buddy Ebsen (not a pleasant image, in context):

"That's okay as I am not resisting nor do I mind."

"I would like that a lot. Also, we could go by my place to determine if there is a place to park this monster."

When she says 'determine' in her sales pitch, it's okay, it's a sales pitch, but he should be colloquial, shorter, use contractions (I'm, there's).

Here's a line from Dr Seuss:

There, I saw a number of boats on floats which must be pontoon boats.

Then there's a long paragraph beginning:
Still looking at me, she started caressing her breasts. She tweaked her nipples which stood up sharply. Then she moved one hand toward her hips tracing along the skin.

This is all mechanical, the whole paragraph. It could continue, 'Then she circled her little finger around her ear, laid her right palm on top of her head, drew back her lips in a rictus, hopped three times...'

It's not the caressing of breasts that's erotic but the effects, the heightened tension, the intake of breath, the beating of the heart, the glimpse of the forbidden, the musk and fragrance and dampness, the involuntary fluttering of eyes... Without some such, the breasts are just plastic.

I'm afraid I had to Avert My Eyes during the sex, and I know complaining that the sex isn't realistic is like saying 'But vampires don't really exist' while everyone else is enjoying watching Buffy.

Oh look, Chicket's in ahead of me while I've been typing this... Rightio, we're not overlapping.

 

[Frankly Speaking]

Thanks for the feedback. The 3rd posting, Early Retirement 5, is pending, but I will work on your ideas when 6 gets started. I am still playing with ideas for it. I think Ken is going to wear himself out but what a way to go!
I've read stories by both of you to get a flavor of what you're saying in your writing.
Let's see what 6 or the follow up to Filling Hope turns out to have.
Frank