early concerns or fears?

[Rox_shybutcurious]

I would be interested in learning some of the fears and concerns that people have had to overcome when first starting to explore this lifestyle. If some wouldn't mind sharing?

Thanks,
Rox.

 

[myinnerslut]

well, first off i was terrified my ex would think i was a complete phsyco when i told him this was what i wanted ( we were going out for over 6 months prior to this point, and the first thing he said was "i should spank you, youd like that").

i was scared id have to use my safeword the first time a flogger touched my back, especially after i had told my ex i was a masochist( i am, and i didnt have to, and havent to date).

i was scared to ask for more (i learned that he loves to hear me beg so its not a problem. i might not get what i want, but as long as im begging not whingin, its fine).

i was scared to break a rule that i wasnt aware was in place, or that id forget one of the many rules we had established to help him control me in a LDR, and to help me feel submissive even when i couldnt be with him (ive learned that if i forget i am punished and it is better to accept that then try to argue my way out of it).

i was afraid that my ex was only doing this to indulge me, not bcuase he wanted to (but he did... sort of... well, thats another story).

 

[Rox_shybutcurious]

well, first off i was terrified Sir would think i was a complete phsyco when i told him this was what i wanted ( we were going out for over 6 months prior to this point, and the first thing he said was "i should spank you, youd like that").

i was scared id have to use my safeword the first time a flogger touched my back, especially after i had told Sir i was a masochist( i am, and i didnt have to, and havent to date).

i was scared to ask for more (i learned that he loves to hear me beg so its not a problem. i might not get what i want, but as long as im begging not whingin, its fine).

i was scared to break a rule that i wasnt aware was in place, or that id forget one of the many rules we had established to help him control me in a LDR, and to help me feel submissive even when i couldnt be with him (ive learned that if i forget i am punished and it is better to accept that then try to argue my way out of it).

i was afraid that Sir was only doing this to indulge me, not bcuase he wanted to (but he does).

Thanks for sharing. Since I don't have any real time experience some of the things you've had to deal with haven't yet crossed my mind, but I certainly can understand being nervous about telling someone. I've sounded out a couple of guys I've dated before and it was obvious this wasn't something to their taste. It makes it that much more difficult to bring the subject up again to somebody.

Thanks again,
Rox.

 

[myinnerslut]

Since I don't have any real time experience some of the things you've had to deal with haven't yet crossed my mind, but I certainly can understand being nervous about telling someone.
Thanks again,
Rox.

in all honestly, telling him was the hardest thing yet, and also the thing i was the most terrified of doing. the fact that i was a masochist has been my secret from the time i was 7. there are still things relating to that that i havnt told anyone. the same goes for the fact i was submissive. he is the first one ive ever told, and if he had a negative reaction i was fairly certian i would crawl under a pile of blankets and never come out again.

 

[MasterPhoenix]

My biggest fear was doing something incredibly stupid...

I have managed to avoid that thus far.

 

[Netzach]

Injuring someone - crossed fingers, intelligent decisions, and an angel on my shoulder and so far so good

looking/feeling like an ass - inevitable and healthy in small doses

overt rebellion, covert rebellion (easily dealt with, in reality - goodbye goodbye, go play your games elsewhere)

 

[Jourden37]

Being BRAND new, I can tell you some of my current fears. One of the biggest is learning to open up, to talk about things that have been "taboo" my entire life. Another is that something that I will say will sound stupid, since I have very little knowledge and am still learning.

 

[lil_slave_rose]

I would be interested in learning some of the fears and concerns that people have had to overcome when first starting to explore this lifestyle. If some wouldn't mind sharing?

Thanks,
Rox.

that i wouldn't be able to 'handle' the flogger or any of His other tools. having to safeword out of a scene because i couldn't handle it. Displeasing Master in anyway (yes i know this happens but i still fear it, i hate doing it) fear of not being the 'submissive' in real life that i have been online/on the phone. not being the masochist i thought i was. wow there are so many, and my mind is blank right now.....

 

[kat_or_kitten]

One of my biggest fears has always been for my privacy. Partly because I feel that my interest in D/s would be a taboo to those around me, and partly because I just prefer to keep my personal life personal.

Being shy and kinky can be complicated.

 

[caela]

I would be interested in learning some of the fears and concerns that people have had to overcome when first starting to explore this lifestyle. If some wouldn't mind sharing?

Thanks,
Rox.

Interesting question. I still consider myself new and probably will for quite some time as there are just still so many things to learn, explore and experience.

My biggest fear initially was just in admitting this part of my life to anyone but myself. Admitting it to someone else would make it real after all and that was terrifying to me.

Actually trusting someone enough to explore this side of myself with was another one. I don't trust easy and it take a lot of trust for me to let someone deliberatly cause me pain. I've been lucky though in having found a great group of friends in my local group that I can trust and experiment and have fun with.

 

[subtleone]

One of my biggest fears has always been for my privacy. Partly because I feel that my interest in D/s would be a taboo to those around me, and partly because I just prefer to keep my personal life personal.

Being shy and kinky can be complicated.

I'd agree with that wholeheartedly, not that I'm ashamed of my lifestyle, far from it just I am acutely aware of the public image of it and don't want to be tarred with that - it would have devastating connotations on my life as I have built it.

Apart from that I was worried about the actual asking him which proved to be a waste of stress as he is very happy to have taken on the role of my Master and feels it is all good.
I have not yet had to use my safe word although he takes me to the brink, he seems to know exactly where my limits lie and takes me just slightly over but not enough to make me need to stop.

 

[Rox_shybutcurious]

...hoping I did the multiple quotes right.....

Being BRAND new, I can tell you some of my current fears. One of the biggest is learning to open up, to talk about things that have been "taboo" my entire life. Another is that something that I will say will sound stupid, since I have very little knowledge and am still learning.

I'm not good at opening up either, although I find it a little easier online. And absolutely nervous about saying something stupid. Especially here. Everybody's been very nice in answering questions, but it's hard sometimes not to feel young and naive. Although in real life I don't really consider myself that.

One of my biggest fears has always been for my privacy. Partly because I feel that my interest in D/s would be a taboo to those around me, and partly because I just prefer to keep my personal life personal.

Being shy and kinky can be complicated.

kat_or_kitten, I can so totally relate. Being shy is hard enough, but to add the rest just makes it so much more difficult to find what your looking for. I keep thinking about the advise to go to a munch, but I'm absolutely horrible at meeting new people. The biggest wallflower you can possibly imagine.

And as you say privacy is another issue. I have strong ties and committments to my family and for them to find out.... well let's just say it wouldn't be good.

that i wouldn't be able to 'handle' the flogger or any of His other tools. fear of not being the 'submissive' in real life that i have been online/on the phone. not being the masochist i thought i was. wow there are so many, and my mind is blank right now.....

Thank you for your input lil_slave_rose, I've enjoyed yours and Masterphoenix's posts. I also am concerned that I might not be quite what I always thought. I thought of myself as a sub, but then couldn't figure out why I got so fustrated with the two more dominant (not Doms) men I've dated in my life. With reading here I've learning a lot about how individualized it is for each person and maybe it's just a matter of being more in tune with somebody else. Or I might be more of a bottom as I have a hard time giving up control, especially emotionally. Figuring it out for myself has been tough let alone trying to explain to somebody I might be interested in.

And since I haven't even gotten that far I haven't even thought about not being able to tolerate some of the toys that could be utilized. I've got a lot to learn yet I guess.



Thanks everybody for letting me know some of your experiences. It's all helping me understand more, about myself and the lifestyle.

Rox.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Hmmmm, now I have to charge the brain cells to go back..I would say probably the top concerns/fears were:

* I would make a bad judgement in terms of who was safe and who was not

* Being used, though I was fortunate to have a mentor who helped me with that

* Being able to voice my deepest, darkest desires...and then if they were matched,
would they be good for me to indulge

* Finding someone who wanted more than a fun relationship, someone who wanted
a lifetime commitment for all the right reasons

* Losing myself and becoming a doormat....lol, no chance of that thankfully

* Having my strength mistaken for non-submissiveness...hmm, well a couple of
people had issues with the fact I knew I could cope in life alone and wasn't
ready to pretend otherwise to make them feel needed, but it was their loss
and my and Francisco's gain.

Catalina

 

[Rox_shybutcurious]

Hmmmm, now I have to charge the brain cells to go back..I would say probably the top concerns/fears were:

* Having my strength mistaken for non-submissiveness...hmm, well a couple of
people had issues with the fact I knew I could cope in life alone and wasn't
ready to pretend otherwise to make them feel needed, but it was their loss
and my and Francisco's gain.

Catalina

This is one I guess I hadn't thought a whole lot about yet. Haven't got past some of the other ones I guess. I'll have to add it to the list... lolll I guess having been on my own for along time and having had others lean on me when they've needed someone to be strong it didn't occur to me it would be seen as a bad thing particularly.

Rox.

 

[catalina_francisco]

This is one I guess I hadn't thought a whole lot about yet. Haven't got past some of the other ones I guess. I'll have to add it to the list... lolll I guess having been on my own for along time and having had others lean on me when they've needed someone to be strong it didn't occur to me it would be seen as a bad thing particularly.

Rox.

LOL, well IMHO it is only a problem for ones who don't feel secure in their own ability, or want to be abusive or use a submisive, or think submissives are submissive because they need someone to take care of them and tell them what to do...IOW, the type I really didn't need.

Catalina

 

[Yang4yin]

Another is that something that I will say will sound stupid, since I have very little knowledge and am still learning.

Sorry for the hijack, but...

Keep in mind that we're all beginners at some point, and even those who have experience probably aren't experienced at everything. Someone who makes fun of you for something as simple as asking a "beginner's question" isn't worth talking to.

My inbox is always open if you'd like to ask questions or advice.

 

[SweetErika]

I'm afraid of:

- Really hurting someone physically, but especially emotionally, mostly out of inexperience.

- Being hurt myself if someone isn't what they appear to be, even after knowing them for a very long time.

- Not trusting enough, or trusting too much, and the effects each could have.

- Failing to find people I'm completely compatible with.

- Not knowing what to do in a lot of situations - will I know when it's right to discipline or punish, and what consequence(s) fit the infraction? I can be very indecisive, and that can harm trust and respect in this situation, so I worry that trait will come out at the wrong time.

- Overthinking everything and irrational fears.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Sorry for the hijack, but...



My inbox is always open if you'd like to ask questions or advice.

But surely you agree, getting a range of opinions and answers on a question is far better than just one person's view and experience isn't it? That is the beauty of posting a question here for anyone and everyone to answer, you really do get to see how questions are not stupid and everyone has something worthwhile to offer without a need to hide it in the secrecy of a PM box. I am sure Rox will welcome any response you may have to her question on the thread.

Catalina

 

[neonflux]

I'm afraid of:

- Really hurting someone physically, but especially emotionally, mostly out of inexperience.

- Being hurt myself if someone isn't what they appear to be, even after knowing them for a very long time.

- Not trusting enough, or trusting too much, and the effects each could have.

- Failing to find people I'm completely compatible with.

- Not knowing what to do in a lot of situations - will I know when it's right to discipline or punish, and what consequence(s) fit the infraction? I can be very indecisive, and that can harm trust and respect in this situation, so I worry that trait will come out at the wrong time.

- Overthinking everything and irrational fears.

Except for the second to last (not interested in a 24/7 or Mistress/slave relationship at this point), all of these are mine, as well.

I am switch and after my experience last week, have one additional one: sub space - I will not go there again, ever, except within the context of a BDSM-connected spiritual ceremony or the like. But that is because I don't think that total submission is part of my essential nature nor is healthy for me... (I am more of a masochist and a bottom...)

Neon

 

[Rox_shybutcurious]

Actually trusting someone enough to explore this side of myself with was another one. I don't trust easy and it take a lot of trust for me to let someone deliberatly cause me pain. I've been lucky though in having found a great group of friends in my local group that I can trust and experiment and have fun with.

Caela, you said you had made some great friends in your local group, but you don't trust easily. Did you find it took a long time for you to open up with them? There is a group in my area, but I don't think I'm ready for that step yet.

Rox.

 

[SweetErika]

Except for the second to last (not interested in a 24/7 or Mistress/slave relationship at this point), all of these are mine, as well.

That takes care of my fear of being the only one with these fears.

That second to last fear is a general one, BTW, but I'm noticing it more in this context. It's tough for me to find like-minded people who want to/can commit to a loving relationship in the first place. Our marital/relationship situations adds another level. Though I don't need a D/s relationship, when I'm seeking one, there are even more factors we must be compatible on for it to work well. Now I'm seeing quite a few of my sub prospects are likely experiencing "sub frenzy," which has the potential to make it even more difficult to determine if we're truly compatible.

Often I come home from a date, and just look at my husband with a big grin, saying, "I'm sooo glad I'm already happily married to someone who's perfect for me!" The dating world is exciting, but rough, and it's wonderful to not really need to be in it. [Not that all single people need to be seeking a relationship, of course. ]

I am switch and after my experience last week, have one additional one: sub space - I will not go there again, ever, except within the context of a BDSM-connected spiritual ceremony or the like. But that is because I don't think that total submission is part of my essential nature nor is healthy for me... (I am more of a masochist and a bottom...)

That's very interesting to me because I've only heard it portrayed as very positive until now. However, I can see where I might feel the same way.

I thought about you when a good number of people at my community playspace mentioned they were from the Bay Area originally and shared their experiences with the clubs down there last night.

 

[Rox_shybutcurious]

I'm afraid of:


- Not trusting enough, or trusting too much, and the effects each could have.


- Overthinking everything and irrational fears.

I swing back and forth with the trust issue too. More towards not trusting enough, but I also know I can get caught up in things so it has become something to think about as well.

But the overthinking things made me smile because I do that all the time. And then second guess myself. Sometimes I think it's a stall tactic I create for myself to put off doing something I'm afraid to do.

Thanks for your input.

Rox.

 

[Rox_shybutcurious]

I am switch and after my experience last week, have one additional one: sub space - I will not go there again, ever, except within the context of a BDSM-connected spiritual ceremony or the like. But that is because I don't think that total submission is part of my essential nature nor is healthy for me... (I am more of a masochist and a bottom...)

Neon

Neon, If you don't mind me asking about this? Pretty much everything I've read puts sub space in a positive light. What did you find you didn't like about it?

Rox.

 

[neonflux]

That takes care of my fear of being the only one with these fears.

That second to last fear is a general one, BTW, but I'm noticing it more in this context. It's tough for me to find like-minded people who want to/can commit to a loving relationship in the first place. Our marital/relationship situations adds another level. Though I don't need a D/s relationship, when I'm seeking one, there are even more factors we must be compatible on for it to work well. Now I'm seeing quite a few of my sub prospects are likely experiencing "sub frenzy," which has the potential to make it even more difficult to determine if we're truly compatible.

Often I come home from a date, and just look at my husband with a big grin, saying, "I'm sooo glad I'm already happily married to someone who's perfect for me!" The dating world is exciting, but rough, and it's wonderful to not really need to be in it. [Not that all single people need to be seeking a relationship, of course. ]


That's very interesting to me because I've only heard it portrayed as very positive until now. However, I can see where I might feel the same way.

I thought about you when a good number of people at my community playspace mentioned they were from the Bay Area originally and shared their experiences with the clubs down there last night.

It's good that you have a community play space - can I ask you about your area? Yea, dating is pretty "not fun" sometimes. I've decided to give up looking for a kinky GF right now, because of that, LOL...

 

[shy slave]

I had lots of fears in the beginning.

They changed depending on what I read, who I had spoken to, what other people thought and my own hormones.

One concern had not been about getting into an online relationship, but it should have been.
I was online with someone for about three months. His ideas became more and more odd, on the outer extremes of pain and what he wanted to do. Finally I decided to see where it was all going and asked to meet him. It turned out he was 'online only' had never done anything apart from fantasy land.
I was so aware of how that could have been a bad situation, I could have been emotionally hurt, but more, had we met and he tried reality I could have been very badly damaged. Due to my inexperience of not realising he was not what he thought he was.

I have been posting on Lit for almost three years and have discovered two things about fears I should have had, and didn't.

1. Keeping a question/fear or interest in your own head is not always a good idea.
I learnt more by asking various questions in various threads, as oppose to one thread for all questions. Asking questions openly and reading various replies gave me a sense of what 'fitted' in my mind for me. The rest I put aside as right for another person.

2. Don't get into Q&A sessions in pm with people you don't 'know'
I rarely ask questions in pm. It gives a one dimensional view which was not useful when I was figuring out who and what I was.

In the end, most of my fears were unfounded and came about from not understanding who I was.