Dumb Question 1: How to deal with acting vanilla?

[SubbieHubbie2]

I posted about 3 years ago, as subbiehubbie - lost that password etc and changed email over my years away. At that time, my wife and I experimented. We tried D/s sex, we tried a little life-style stuff. It ended within weeks. It's a strange thing, she is naturally dominant in pretty much every aspect of her life (no, not abuse, I trust noone here reads it that way, but an extremely effective leader, decisive, driven, able to get people moving when nobody else can, etc) and in the home (if you look at who has the most space, who makes the final decision in a disagreement, etc, you'd see), but to accept that and accept it works... that was too painful to her.

It ended. It ended with her triggered and me spending the best part of a day crying and begging to be allowed to remain married to her. That was a few weeks after starting something that (from what she said) had benefits for her too - she liked not having to feel guilty about wanting something done (now why she'd feel guilty in the first place, I dunno - mostly her past I think). We stayed together. Our love was and is strong. We stayed together and I act vanilla which is what she claims to want.

No, I haven't described every interaction that occurred - suffice it to say I now "act vanilla". We've talked since, and she (I think) has come to understand that in a lot of ways she is dominant and I am submissive and that that is not a bad thing. But as to accepting that and having it part of our marriage, that is a total sticking point.

So, I want to ask, has anyone here found a good way to deal with submissiveness that cannot be expressed?

Yes, I know, some have an affair - but fidelity is an integral part of our marriage and, even at my most depressed and shattered, even at my most tempted (when offered the possibility of being topped by a friend), I cannot cheat. I guess it is the problem of a conflict of three conflicting and integral motivations: dedication, fidelity and submissiveness in a "vanilla" relationship.

Another trick I've tried - writing threads in SRP (under my writer alias) which explore my submissive side. This works, then it hurts, then it works, then it hurts.

Another - accepting that, in many ways, she IS dominant to me. Thus it could be argued my need to submit is met. I just have to do it "secretly" - appear simply "helpful" when I'm "serving her". Two problems - the lack of acceptance makes it feel like a lie and a betrayal (not a rational thing, but a deep emotional one), like I'm tricking her and myself; and although my primary submissive nature is service (which, I guess, is submission in the end), I'm also a sensation slut. That aspect of myself, the desire to be bound, the desire to kneel, etc is not served and that too can hurt.

So, anyone in a similar (or who has been in a similar) situation, how'd you deal with it?

 

[catalina_francisco]

I can empathise with your situation but don't think I have any magical answer to your situation. As you will see on this forum, you are not alone in this situation. If not an option to play outside your marriage (perhaps she would be okay if it weren't sexual), there seems only 2 options, accept it and dream of what might have been, or move out of the relationship permanently in search of what you feel you need (and it doesn't sound as if this is an option). It is worth mentioning though, just because she is assertive and perhaps in control in other aspects of her life, this does not equte to being dominant in this sense you dream of. Quite often it can be the complete opposite. Hope you find an option that works for both of you.

Catalina

 

[SubbieHubbie2]

The way she is assertive (takes control, dominates decisions, dominates space) very much ties into part of my submissiveness. You are right, however, that it does not tie into (necessarily) the sensation slut aspect. That said, that is more related to B than D/s I guess.

 

[A Desert Rose]

... just because she is assertive and perhaps in control in other aspects of her life, this does not equte to being dominant in this sense you dream of. Quite often it can be the complete opposite.

Catalina

This is really true of me in the present, and in the past. I am very assertive in my career, in my family life and in my relationships with friends and co-workers.

However, stand me in the presence of a true Dominant, and I'm an entirely different creature.

On topic and to the thread starter, I will only say this... 'settling' for less than what you need in your life and living with the regrets of unchartered desires, are decisions only you can make. Life is a lot about sacrifices. You give up one thing for another. And only you can set those priorities and make those sacrifices.

As for me, I can't and won't settle.

Best of luck in your life.

 

[Netzach]

I agree with ADR here. I can't tell you what to do, I can only tell you from experience that it's not going to go away and it's not going to get easier.

 

[Soulfiregirl]

I agree with ADR here. I can't tell you what to do, I can only tell you from experience that it's not going to go away and it's not going to get easier.

Ditto. I used to think I could aslo "stay vanilla" with my ex...but it was starting to bother me more and more. We eventually broke up for other reasons (only dated over a year) but man, I'm soooooo glad we did because now, I can look for what I REALLY want.

The fact that you've come back to this board to post about this means it's not going to "go away". May I ask, what exactly happened to when you and your wife tried things but then it suddenly stopped? (you weren't specific) Did she get overwhelmed? Is there no chance of sitting down with her and bringing up the subject once again to re-discuss it? I'm just curious.

I hope you find a solution that can bring you some peace, no matter what you decide to do.

 

[curiousjen]

I think I can understand the magnitude of what you are experiencing because over the last year or so I have gradually been coming out to my SO as a submissive. Its (mostly) not been a shock to him, basically I've just been telling him words and ideas that describe the way our relationship has been for a long time, and also for the first time having the confidence to talk openly about my fantasies and how much I long to serve him and how much pleasing him means to me. As both of us are wooley liberal self proclaimed feminists (whatever that means), its been quite hard to get our heads around fantasies what can sometimes appear quite degrading and coming to terms with the evolving situation is a long process that we are both going through.

However, despite intital shocks and hurdles, I have been surprised at every turn by a)his compassion and b) his will to listen and c) the efforts he makes to understand. (and also how horny it makes him )

Honestly speaking, if I had not had that kind of reception, I think it would have really damaged our relationship. It took so much courage for me to admit these feelings to myself and start to claim submissivness as my identity, it would have been terrible if he had not at least tried to accomodate in some way what was so important to me. It probably wouldn't have broken us, but we're talking a first degree burn here, and I really feel for you having to chose between your loved one and your sexual needs.

I think someone above suggested it, but maybe your answer is a pro domme. No sex, hence no infedelity, yet you'd still get your sub needs met.

Good luck though its a real tough situation to be in, basically a few months ago it was my worst nightmare. I hope you get through it intact.

jx

 

[Aeroil]

......I think someone above suggested it, but maybe your answer is a pro domme. No sex, hence no infedelity, yet you'd still get your sub needs met........

I doubt your wife would approve of that, so in order for it to work you'd have to lie to her..... sounds like infedelity to me, but maybe your definition is different.

 

[SubbieHubbie2]

Aeroil - you are absolutely correct that she (and I) would see use of a pro-domme as infidelity. I can't go there, and the truth is, even if I could, I'm lousy at keeping secrets from her.

Soulfiregirl - what happened: it started as kinkplay - I lost a bet on who would win a football game, that meant I was hers to do with as she wanted sexually for a day. It was the best I'd ever had and she liked it too. We went on and explored it a little more, and explored the fact that I like to server her in non-sexual ways too (e.g. she's sitting next to the fridge, I'm in another room, she tells me she wants a soda, I'm happy), yield the final decision to her, etc. So, she decided to investigate the area further, through reading, through the net, etc.

Now, I tried to talk her out of that, being well aware of the kind of things she would discover. Given her background (extremely abusive mother), discovering descriptions of a "submissive" as someone who likes to be whipped (present somewhere in most of the literature) would be highly detrimental. But, she wanted to know more. So she read. sigh. Yes, we talked. Yes, I explained I am not a painslut - sensation slut, true, but that is a lot more to do with blindfolds, silk, caressing, flavors - but mostly more of a service sub. However, between those readings, her background, and being raised to believe in equality, it was pretty much over.

OK, some recent history. The subject has come up from time to time... she's just never quite _gone there_. She's willing to hear the word "submissive" without looking like someone suggested I do something illegal with the cat. She's sort of accepting that she tends to dominate situations, and is almost at the point where she can accept that "dominant" and "abusive" are not the same thing. I think that came because of the new job she has, trying to get civil servants to actually do their jobs... She even bought me a pair of fauxfir handcuffs a couple of christmases ago. Of course, they have yet to be removed from the drawer she put them away in (a drawer she does use, so its not like she's forgotten). All examples of "I can hear it, but not go there".

Right now, I'm trying to "work towards it". If she needs something done, do it. Like the other night, she was so exhausted having driven the LOOONG commute home she couldn't undress herself. I accepted the task happily. She loved it. Later, however, she used that as an example of how "the sub is really in control, as the dom changes their actions etc to match what the sub wants." That left me feeling kind of confused and dirty - as I told her, if its not something you want me to do then I'm not interested in doing it.

I _hope_ the future will permit building on this tiny progress. It is, however, very frustrating and since, as in the example above, every slight step seems to end up in a retreat, I'm less than convinced.