Dry spells

[sophia jane]

As I approach the year mark since I last had sex, I've been thinking alot about the effects of celibacy and about how to get back in the game. So, I'm curious what others' experiences have been with extended dry spells. Did it change you? Make it harder for you to date/have sex? Kill your libido?

Because of all the other stuff going on in my life (and mental/emotional health), it's impossible for me to know how much can be attributed to lack of sex/intimacy, but I do think it has affected me in a few ways- I've got much less sex drive and significantly less fantasizing ability (ie no writing); my insecurities about my appearance and weight have increased dramatically, and I'm very wary about dating/sex now.
I'm very interested to hear thoughts/experiences/advice. I know I can't be the only one who's had a dry spell. It's kinda weird to think that since I lost my virginity at 14, this is the longest I've gone without sex. I'd hate to miss out on my sexual peak.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

I get crabby. My G/F has been in Hawaii since February and won't be back until Christmas. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

 

[scheherazade_79]

Most of my adult life is made up of dry spells, with the occasional oasis every once in a while.

I can't say it really gets me down. Women can be so complicated sometimes that it does my head in, and there are times when it's nice to have a break from all that.

 

[S-Des]

I had one of the longest dry spells here until just recently (don't ask, I'm not telling...but it was really long ). It actually helped my writing, because the fantasies were all that kept me going. I have to admit, my stories tend to be very emotional (is that a nice enough way of saying they're depressing ), so I was able to express a lot of the frustration and pain I was feeling from my real life. My current ones are a bit more upbeat, which is a reflection of the upswing in my life recently. Try hooking up with an editor or author and bouncing some ideas of him/her. Maybe something will stick. Trust me, you can use the writing to feel better about life, no matter how overwhelmed you feel.

 

[matriarch]

I went for 9 years......the last 9 years of my marriage.....without sex. I wasn't interested, and he simply accepted it. It was made easier by moving into separate bedrooms after the second son finally moved out.

That said, we were still physically affectionate, always held hands when out, always kissed hullo/goodbye, and hugged. In fact, our time together in the end became much more intimate in a different way. We simply enjoyed each other's company, and at the same time respected each other's space and privacy a lot more.

I broke my 'non-sex' duck with a woman. That was it, I knew there was no going back.

 

[rgraham666]

Since it is on the average about 15 years between the times I do get any I suppose you could say I have wet spells.

In my case, I learned to live with it. My upbringing and personality make it difficult for me to trust a woman enough to risk the hurt that could accompany the failure of the relationship. So I learned to do without.

It says nothing about my value as a human being that intimacy isn't a big part of my life.

I know I've got more to say, but I'm too logy from lack of sleep to say it. I'l come back later when I'm more rested.

 

[neonflux]

As I approach the year mark since I last had sex, I've been thinking alot about the effects of celibacy and about how to get back in the game. So, I'm curious what others' experiences have been with extended dry spells. Did it change you? Make it harder for you to date/have sex? Kill your libido?

Because of all the other stuff going on in my life (and mental/emotional health), it's impossible for me to know how much can be attributed to lack of sex/intimacy, but I do think it has affected me in a few ways- I've got much less sex drive and significantly less fantasizing ability (ie no writing); my insecurities about my appearance and weight have increased dramatically, and I'm very wary about dating/sex now.
I'm very interested to hear thoughts/experiences/advice. I know I can't be the only one who's had a dry spell. It's kinda weird to think that since I lost my virginity at 14, this is the longest I've gone without sex. I'd hate to miss out on my sexual peak.

I went 8 years without sex - the first 4 in a relationship with my now ex (who still lives in my apartment building and stopped speaking to me once she figured out I was seeing people again) the second 4 because she and I were still in daily contact of an almost "partner" type. I am a highly sexual person and didn't realize how much the lack of sexual contact impacted me until I started having it again. I will never, ever again give it up. like you, my sex drive decreased dramatically, my body image worsened and in retrospect I definitely feel that I cut a part of myself off - I stopped writing for myself entirely, not only poetry, which tends to be about sex for me, but also short stories, essays, screenplays...

I can only say, get out! Once you start dating again, it will be less scary than it now seems. I'm 50 and still haven't reached my "sexual peak." Neon

 

[Selena_Kitt]

HOW many years!?!?!??!

If I wasn't married, I'd be SUCH a slut... I dunno that I could hold out as long as some of you have... how do you do that??

 

[carsonshepherd]

This is very personal but I think it's relevant to some of the other stories here, so I'll go ahead and share.

When I first thought about it, I thought my dry spell has only been the past three and a half months, since I split up with my ex; but then I realized that it had been going on for years, while we were still together. He is an abusive alcoholic, and for the last year and a half we were together, I could hardly stand him to touch me. We had sex every now and then, when I couldn't get out of it, but I wasn't even getting off during the act - that's how disconnected my mind and my heart were from what my body was doing.

He told me over and over that it was my fault - that I'm just not a sexual person. I know that isn't true (I think all of us here know that) but I guess I started to absorb some of that blame. When we finally split up, I figured I would be celibate for a long, long time - that I hadn't needed sex while we were together, so why should I need it when I'm single? I really didn't want the vulnerability of exposing myself, literally and emotionally, to a partner.

But about a month and a half ago, I met someone. Not someone new, but someone I knew in my college days. Despite some wariness, we're getting reaquainted again. And the very first time he kissed me, all the sudden I wanted sex again. It sounds corny, but he reawakened that part of me and I started plotting how I could fuck him with the minimum amount of emotional entanglement.

He's surprised me again though - the more time I spent with him, trying to get laid, I actually started to like him in a way that I never did before. We're more alike than I ever knew and somehow, we seem to understand each other and bring out the best in each other. When we're together physically, all that seems to come out and we're very in tune. I've never had that happen before.

He's actually been celibate for the last four years. Like me, he was badly hurt in a relationship and needed a break. I can tell you that he's very sensitive and appreciative of anything that we do, and he actually thanked me for giving him a blow job, which nobody has ever done before. And yeah, we're both kind of insecure and a little vulnerable, but we're getting past that. We haven't actually had sex yet (mostly because of the lack of opportunity) but it will probably happen soon. I feel very safe with him, and I think he feels the same.

So yeah, a long dry spell can fuck with your head and bring out all your insecurities, dear Sophia, but with the right person all that can be swept away. I hope that when you do end your dry spell, it's with someone gentle, who sees you clearly for the beautiful person you are.

 

[TheeGoatPig]

Dry spells? I've only ever had one oasis in a desert of loneliness. I haven't been with a woman since the summer of 1995 when I was 19 years old. Hell, I haven't even been on a date since 1997 (I was almost 22, and she was only 16 even though my friend promised me over and over again that she was 18 years old).

I have no idea how it has effected me because this is all that I have ever known. I would love to know what it is like to move from one relationship to another on a regular, or even semi-regular basis. I would love to know what it is like to be in a long term relationship. I would to know what it is like to kiss someone again, or be touched in any sexual way for that matter.

I think I['m going to go hide in a corner and cry for a few hours now

 

[Selena_Kitt]

Dry spells? I've only ever had one oasis in a desert of loneliness. I haven't been with a woman since the summer of 1995 when I was 19 years old. Hell, I haven't even been on a date since 1997 (I was almost 22, and she was only 16 even though my friend promised me over and over again that she was 18 years old).

I have no idea how it has effected me because this is all that I have ever known. I would love to know what it is like to move from one relationship to another on a regular, or even semi-regular basis. I would love to know what it is like to be in a long term relationship. I would to know what it is like to kiss someone again, or be touched in any sexual way for that matter.

I think I['m going to go hide in a corner and cry for a few hours now

aww...

HUGS...

 

[3113]

Trick or Treat!

*Ding-Dong!*

Trick or Treat Post!

Thread author will please provide postee with some candy?

 

[Boota]

I was celibate for 12 years, from age 23 to almost 35. When I came out of retirement somehow I had gotten a LOT better in bed. I'm not sure how that worked. It's pretty difficult being celibate when you play in a rock and roll band and bounce in strip clubs, but I managed. I'd still be celibate if I hadn't found the right girl. I decided after a year as a complete whore that I wasn't having sex again until it was with the right person. In the past two years I have almost totally made up for all that lost time.

 

[rgraham666]

HOW many years!?!?!??!

If I wasn't married, I'd be SUCH a slut... I dunno that I could hold out as long as some of you have... how do you do that??

It isn't a matter of holding out. It's lack of opportunity.

Partly my fault, I live a rather withdrawn life and rarely meet women. Of those, very few are single. And of those around my age, whom I prefer, most are very sick of men.

I'm also a bit dyslexic when it comes to social cues. I either don't see them or misinterpret them. Don't know if that's from my upbringing or the way my brain's wired.

Also, I'm not that attractive to the opposite sex. I'm poor, usually badly dressed and weird.

So, I have very, very few opportunities.

You learn to live with it. No sense railing against things you can't change or are unwilling to change.

And I am unwilling to change much about me. Women are going to have to take me the way I am. I like them, I don't need them.

 

[3113]

I'm also a bit dyslexic when it comes to social cues. I either don't see them or misinterpret them. Don't know if that's from my upbringing or the way my brain's wired.

Also, I'm not that attractive to the opposite sex. I'm poor, usually badly dressed and weird.

Dude! You need to attend a few Sci-Fi conventions! Not only would you be a perfectly normal and understandable guy there--but all you have to do is shower to be considered a real catch.

No joke!

 

[3113]

I decided after a year as a complete whore that I wasn't having sex again until it was with the right person.

Boota, if you ever decide to be a complete whore again, you will let all of us here know, right? So we can have first dibs?

 

[rgraham666]

Dude! You need to attend a few Sci-Fi conventions! Not only would you be a perfectly normal and understandable guy there--but all you have to do is shower to be considered a real catch.

No joke!

Twenty years ago when I was a SF geek, I would have considered it.

Hardly read or watch the stuff any more.

Also crowded busy venues tend to cause panic atttacks. Another reason I live a withdrawn life.

 

[TheeGoatPig]

It isn't a matter of holding out. It's lack of opportunity.

Partly my fault, I live a rather withdrawn life and rarely meet women. Of those, very few are single. And of those around my age, whom I prefer, most are very sick of men.

I'm also a bit dyslexic when it comes to social cues. I either don't see them or misinterpret them. Don't know if that's from my upbringing or the way my brain's wired.

Also, I'm not that attractive to the opposite sex. I'm poor, usually badly dressed and weird.

So, I have very, very few opportunities.

You learn to live with it. No sense railing against things you can't change or are unwilling to change.

And I am unwilling to change much about me. Women are going to have to take me the way I am. I like them, I don't need them.

I'm similar. I'm a little withdrawn, hardly meet anyone, and those that I do meet are either with someone or aren't interested in me at all. I'm also weird, but I have been dressing better, and don't look nearly as bad as I did back in school (I ddefinitely got better with age).

I would love to be able to end this dry spell and see if I have gotten better at sex...

 

[Guest]

I've gone over a year, while living in the midst of an exciting city full of women, while in my 20's and 30's. And more than one such dry spell.

On the other hand, I've had single months that were unbelievable.

A year long dry spell was just 365 mornings where I woke up optimistic that the next morning I'd wake up not in my own bed.

 

[3113]

Also crowded busy venues tend to cause panic atttacks. Another reason I live a withdrawn life.

They're hardly crowded Most sci-Fi cons are mellow--and I think you'd fall right back into them even if you're not reading the stuff. Especially as so many of the folk there have the same type of problems. I recall one girl at a con who had a cute little dog with her--it was a working dog. When she got panic attacks, she petted the dog and it calmed her.

 

[SweetPrettyAss]

What's a dry spell?

 

[Guest]

What's a dry spell?

<sigh> Something guys know about and pretty, sexy women often do not.

 

[Kandi]

As I approach the year mark since I last had sex, I've been thinking alot about the effects of celibacy and about how to get back in the game. So, I'm curious what others' experiences have been with extended dry spells. Did it change you? Make it harder for you to date/have sex? Kill your libido?

Because of all the other stuff going on in my life (and mental/emotional health), it's impossible for me to know how much can be attributed to lack of sex/intimacy, but I do think it has affected me in a few ways- I've got much less sex drive and significantly less fantasizing ability (ie no writing); my insecurities about my appearance and weight have increased dramatically, and I'm very wary about dating/sex now.
I'm very interested to hear thoughts/experiences/advice. I know I can't be the only one who's had a dry spell. It's kinda weird to think that since I lost my virginity at 14, this is the longest I've gone without sex. I'd hate to miss out on my sexual peak.

I've had several periods where I was celibate, not entirely by design, but by virtue of me being too pathetically self-pitying to get over the hump. And it was a useful time, because it gave me an opportunity to get back in touch with who *I* was, separate from any mate. I, too, wondered if I had adopted some new lifestyle that would last for the rest of my life. But I must say, that when the time was right, all doubts fled, and my sexual and emotional life since then has been so much better than anything that had come before.

 

[Munachi]

hm... my longest dry spell was almost three years. during that time the idea of a second "first time" grew more and more important. this in part probably had to do with that i was very young (20 when that dry spell ended) and also maybe because of the memories of the guy i had had my actual first time with... the first time sex again of course was not at all as i had imagined it, but i ended up being with that guy for a long time...

after that i had a few shorter dry spells (how long does it have to be to count as a dry spell, btw? right now usually about 2 or 3 weeks pass between each time i have sex, are those already small dry spells then?), and i did indeed notice that during them my sex drive tends to go down... i don't develop any problems with my body image, fortunately, as i have thought and still do think quite well of my body - instead, my problems are the sex itself, i have always had a worry of not being "good in bed" - this has in part to do with some of the things the first guy i had sex with said to me and to others, and in part with my general insecurities... not sure if this worry grows during dry spells, i think it does, though...

 

[MagicaPractica]

A dry spell... is that what this is? Let's see, it's been... yup, 32 years last Wednesday.