DOWN - feedback please?

[Varian P]

DOWN is up.

Okay, I've made that lame pun twice. I'll stop now.

Down is the first short story I've written in years, and is my rushed, um, I mean humble offering to this year's Halloween contest.

It's also my first attempt at writing a scary thriller/horror thing, and I'm curious to know if I managed it at all.

The thing definitely needs work, and I have this crazy idea it could be developed (what a surprise I'd want to make something longer ) to make a good screenplay. So, I'm eager for honest criticism.

 

[ninefe2dg]

The phone bleated at him from the kitchen, and he'd already started to walk away when Zach called after him, consoling, "But next weekend. That would be cool."

"Hello?"

Had to read this part three times before I could sort Paul, Zach, Jennifer, Luc…I don't mind them being introduced in this manner, it was just a lot all at once!


"No. No, he just got up like usual, went to work. When he didn't come home for dinner, I figured I forgot about a meeting, or he forgot to tell me. But then he didn't come home at all that night. Or since." She was sobbing, now, choking, wet snot sobbing. "And I thought, I thought, even though you two don't see each other much anymore, I thought maybe you'd know," she dropped off without finishing.
Love wet snob sobbing. Too bad you couldn't work the word "loogie" in!


Maria looked fucking delicious, all juicy and caramel-colored, her long black hair cascading in glossy waves over the pillow, her cunt waxed smooth, open and slick from their fucking. And when Katya got in there and started licking those burgundy folds, Paul was already rock hard and ready for round two.

Quite the impressive refractory period for 39! Though glossy waves over the pillow would do it for me!


"Jeez, Paul." Brian sounds like his friend just stomped his puppy to death.

Tense issue?

"Hey, baby, what are you doing all alone in a bad neighborhood like this after dark? You need a chaperon?" the other purredchaperone


The gag stopped him from screaming, "What? Chained up in a cellar like the fucking gimp in some Pulp Fiction homo circus?"
You can never go wrong with a Tarantino reference, love it!





The cold chain had warmed to body temperature, but it's weight on his throat made him feel he was being choked, that he was suffocating. And soon, those men were going to come over. He was helpless.
its

The the flame of fear burning bright in her big gray eyes. He'd been surprised at how docile she'd been, The…

"It's not mentholated or anything, is it? I don't want my dick to go numb."
Important safety tip! Hope they read the label…


It was pretty much the same with the orderly on duty the next night, though that one took a minute to look at the girl strapped to the bed, caressed her cheek and said, "It's been a long time since we had one here as pretty as you."

Another Tarantino reference opportunity! (Kill Bill Vol 1) …I'm Buck, and I'm here to…



What I like is that at first you think Paul's a dime a dozen shithead, so you feel a litlle sorry for him at first when he sees the ghost, up until the point you realize what he is. I didn't come close to figuring it out, at all, though the clues are there (for someone far more clever than me!)

My question is, when they go back to Paul's house, then who, or what do they find, if anything?

I think there's a lesson in the story, and forces a man to think about how it feels to be a woman who is truly victimized, over and over again. Sobering, actually. We laugh about the Pulp Fiction type scene on one hand. We all think it's funny that Marcellus is taking it in the ass by some skinny white guy. But in this story, it's a very different, very real, and very not so funny perspective.



Great job…and not the least bit preachy

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

A bit beyond my usual reading preference, but well written. I picked up a couple of confusing lines, but that's prolly just me.

Loved the ending, V.

Well done. A definate "5".

JJ

 

[Varian P]

As always, many thanks for taking a look for me, and giving me your thoughts. All very helpful. I won't comment here in response to the typos that you caught, but I'll get them in re-write.

The phone bleated at him from the kitchen, and he'd already started to walk away when Zach called after him, consoling, "But next weekend. That would be cool."

"Hello?"

Had to read this part three times before I could sort Paul, Zach, Jennifer, Luc…I don't mind them being introduced in this manner, it was just a lot all at once!

Good to know. I'll see about smoothing that bit out.

"No. No, he just got up like usual, went to work. When he didn't come home for dinner, I figured I forgot about a meeting, or he forgot to tell me. But then he didn't come home at all that night. Or since." She was sobbing, now, choking, wet snot sobbing. "And I thought, I thought, even though you two don't see each other much anymore, I thought maybe you'd know," she dropped off without finishing.
Love wet snob sobbing. Too bad you couldn't work the word "loogie" in!

No loogies in my sexual slavery horror story. That would be gross.

Maria looked fucking delicious, all juicy and caramel-colored, her long black hair cascading in glossy waves over the pillow, her cunt waxed smooth, open and slick from their fucking. And when Katya got in there and started licking those burgundy folds, Paul was already rock hard and ready for round two.

Quite the impressive refractory period for 39! Though glossy waves over the pillow would do it for me!

Some girls *cough* I mean guys are lucky, that way.

"Jeez, Paul." Brian sounds like his friend just stomped his puppy to death.

Tense issue?

Ah, yes, that's my “After” mindset showing through. Thanks for the catch!

"Hey, baby, what are you doing all alone in a bad neighborhood like this after dark? You need a chaperon?" the other purred

chaperone

Not according to my spell checker. According to dictionary.com, either spelling is acceptable. F-ing English.

The gag stopped him from screaming, "What? Chained up in a cellar like the fucking gimp in some Pulp Fiction homo circus?"
You can never go wrong with a Tarantino reference, love it!

It was going to be a Scoobie Doo reference, but it seemed kind of out of place...

"It's not mentholated or anything, is it? I don't want my dick to go numb."
Important safety tip! Hope they read the label…

I hope no one put cinnamon binaca in the tube as a prank.

It was pretty much the same with the orderly on duty the next night, though that one took a minute to look at the girl strapped to the bed, caressed her cheek and said, "It's been a long time since we had one here as pretty as you."

Another Tarantino reference opportunity! (Kill Bill Vol 1) …I'm Buck, and I'm here to…

Yeah, as soon as the insane asylum idea came to me, I couldn't shake that visual and bit of witty repartee.

My question is, when they go back to Paul's house, then who, or what do they find, if anything?

What do you mean? As far as evidence of his prostitution biz? Or evidence of what's happened to him?

What I like is that at first you think Paul's a dime a dozen shithead, so you feel a litlle sorry for him at first when he sees the ghost, up until the point you realize what he is. I didn't come close to figuring it out, at all, though the clues are there (for someone far more clever than me!)

I tried hard to put in the scenes that point to who/what Paul is, without actually giving anything away. I don't think there's any 'evidence' there that he's more than a player with a dominant edge.

I actually am really curious about whether it works, or whether the reader feels at all betrayed that they start out with a main character they can like and empathize with (at least, that's what I intend), who is gradually revealed to be despicable.

I think there's a lesson in the story, and forces a man to think about how it feels to be a woman who is truly victimized, over and over again. Sobering, actually. We laugh about the Pulp Fiction type scene on one hand. We all think it's funny that Marcellus is taking it in the ass by some skinny white guy. But in this story, it's a very different, very real, and very not so funny perspective.

Great job…and not the least bit preachy

Thanks. The core of this story has been percolating in my twisted little brain for a long, long time, only without the supernatural element, and the woman getting revenge was conceived as the victim of a gang-rape.

But a week or so ago I saw a film about a teenager in the former Soviet Union who is abandoned by her mother and left to fend for herself, and ultimately gets tricked into going to Sweden with a fake passport to “pick fruit.” Of course, the second she gets in the car of her 'boss' he takes her passport from her, imprisons her in a little apartment, and starts pimping her out.

The film got to me, and my story was, in a sense, my way of processing my anger at the people who participated in what happened to that girl (and, of course, in real life, thousands of others).

Now I'll just have to turn Down into a Red Asphalt-style cautionary documentary, which will be mandatory viewing at all the human trafficking/Pimp Daddy schools across this and all nations.

 

[Varian P]

A bit beyond my usual reading preference, but well written. I picked up a couple of confusing lines, but that's prolly just me.

Loved the ending, V.

Well done. A definate "5".

JJ

Delighted you liked it, despite being outside the scope of your preferred reads--which I understand, it was a challenging write, in some ways.

Thanks for the read and the kind words.

 

[ninefe2dg]

Not according to my spell checker. According to dictionary.com , either spelling is acceptable. F-ing English.


I'll take your word for it *munching on a "tobleron" candy bar*...


It was going to be a Scoobie Doo reference, but it seemed kind of out of place...

Well, Scooby in "Gimp Gear" could be a frightening thought. Nothing a Scooby Snack couldn't solve, though.
What do you mean? As far as evidence of his prostitution biz? Or evidence of what's happened to him?
Maybe I'm hung up in something obvious to everyone but me. Going back to "Back in the Future", when they do the sequels, they run into the awkward dilemma of having two Marty McFly's running around. Is there still a Paul "body" back at the house and he gets busted? Or has Paul simply "disappeared"? I think I got hung up with the custody of his son. If he's just vanished, it would stands to reason he'd just go back to his mother...I could be overcomplicating it, though. If I am you can tell me, I can take it!

I tried hard to put in the scenes that point to who/what Paul is, without actually giving anything away. I don't think there's any 'evidence' there that he's more than a player with a dominant edge.

I actually am really curious about whether it works, or whether the reader feels at all betrayed that they start out with a main character they can like and empathize with (at least, that's what I intend), who is gradually revealed to be despicable.

Not betrayed at all. Delighted in the twist, "disappointed" in Paul at worst, and glad he gets his comeuppance.

Thanks. The core of this story has been percolating in my twisted little brain for a long, long time, only without the supernatural element, and the woman getting revenge was conceived as the victim of a gang-rape.

But a week or so ago I saw a film about a teenager in the former Soviet Union who is abandoned by her mother and left to fend for herself, and ultimately gets tricked into going to Sweden with a fake passport to "pick fruit." Of course, the second she gets in the car of her 'boss' he takes her passport from her, imprisons her in a little apartment, and starts pimping her out.

The film got to me, and my story was, in a sense, my way of processing my anger at the people who participated in what happened to that girl (and, of course, in real life, thousands of others).

Now I'll just have to turn Down into a Red Asphalt-style cautionary documentary, which will be mandatory viewing at all the human trafficking/Pimp Daddy schools across this and all nations.
Let's hope so!

Your emotions come through in the story, which of course makes it even better!