Don't ignore me!!!!!!!

[AngelKisses]

Hello. I am new here, and I see a lot of people post questions in the General board. So I thought I would ask a question..

Often times I will speak to my husband and when I do I get " huh," or "What?" He never seems to hear me. It isn't when I am upset, just trying to make conversation.

I was once in a relationship before when the man I was married to did the same thing. He refused to listen to me and often ignored me. I left that relationship.

This husband is doing the same thing. It is as if I am not here. He talks to people on the computer more than he does me.

I have brought this up to him many times and he always has excuses. "I was reading." Or "So and so was talking to me." "I was needing to concentrate" is the main on of late.

So, my question is, how do you handle a person that says they love you, but pretends you don't exist. I love him, but I don't want to be his baby sitter or the invisable woman. I want to have a relationship with someone other than myself. What do I do?

Keep in mind when I try to explain why I get upset he just gets mad at me instead of seeing how he is treating me.

Thanks before hand for any and all advice.

 

[Shy Tall Guy]

Two words: Marriage Counseling.

Your marriage is headed for the rocks - get counseling, even if he refuses to go, go yourself.

 

[Vinny]

My opinion

It is a proven fact that most affairs are not for sex, but for the lack of attention one lacks at home but gets elsewhere. I sure hope this man begins to pay attention and listen because if not, someone will appreciate you for who you are and how you feel and he just may loose you<hugs>

 

[AngelKisses]

Thanks. I have thought about the counceling, but I don't know if he will go for it. He won't talk with me about his thoughts, how do I know he would talk to some shrink?

I might look into it. I am willing to do a lot to keep this marriage for our son.

I do know what you mean Vinny, but I would leave before I had an affair. Not fair to him to cheat on him.....though I would love the attention.

 

[*bratcat*]

 

[Wiggles]

Is he addicted to an Online Role Playing game? Like EverCrack, or Asheron's Call?

My bf does the same thing when playing AC. That, or we have the three minute delayed conversation.

Sweetie?

...

...

...

Huh?

Nevermind.

 

[*bratcat*]

 

[AngelKisses]

He will do this while watching tv, driving the car, talking on the computer with his friends...anytime! More and more....we can even be walking in the mall and the conversations go like this.


ME: I saw this really pretty dress at Hot Topic.

Him:......

Me: Did you hear me?

Him: What?

or on the computer.....

Me: Honey, do you think we can eat out tonight.

Him: type type type............

Me: Did you hear me?

Him: What?

Me: I asked if we could eat out tonight.

Him: What?

Same thing all the time. Never fails. I even ask him to clean out his ears. That doesn't work either.....

It is as if his ears can't hear the pitch of my voice, and my voice isn't that HIGH!

 

[AngelKisses]

My computer messed up!

 

[Vinny]

Angel

Check your PM box. Hugs time for me to sleep. Hope it gets better for you

 

[AngelKisses]

Thanks Vinny. Sleep well.

 

[Daddyslilpet]

Been there myself too. I know this probably wasn't the best course of action but I decided to start ignoring him back. After a while he realized I wasn't trying to get his attention anymore, and he came looking for me. Ok so this worked for me, but I still don't think its the best thing to do. I don't think it would work for every situation.

Just thought I'd throw that out there. Also, in the last few months, hubby and I have really been communicating quite well. Hope things work out for you too.

(((((Hugs)))))

dixicritter

 

[Rubyfruit]

I feel your pain.

I have become the wallpaper in my marriage.

 

[ksmybuttons]

I find that if I want to talk to my husband, the best thing is to sit down and talk with him.

I have many interests that don't include him, just as he interests that don't include me. Nothing is more disturbing then him wanting attention when I am in the middle of something else. Same with him. We respect that in each other.

What works for us is having times that we just spend with each other, undivided.

 

[naudiz]

Mr. N. and I tend to get wrapped up in our various hobbies and projects, and for awhile, it was like we would go weeks without talking to each other except in passing. It became a problem. If I wanted to talk, he was too busy. If he wanted to talk, I was too busy. We finally set aside time each week that is just for us -- dinner at the table, with the television and computers turned off.

Ask him if he's willing to do that. If he's not, dump him. A man who isn't even willing to give you a few hours once a week is useless. You can do better.

 

[VeryBadGirl]

Angel, this doesn't sound like a marriage-breaking situation. To me, it sounds like you're talking to him when you don't have his attention. To you, it seems like he's ignoring you, but he's actually just absorbed in whatever it is you're ... interrupting.

FIRST, get his attention, and THEN talk to him.

You: "Honey."
Him: <silence>
You: "Honey!"
Him: "huh?"
You: "I'm talking to you!" (or, "look at me!" - make it in a nice friendly tone)

Wait until he is looking at you and listening to you. If it's not a good time for him to talk about dresses, he can tell you. If it's a quick question, he can answer it.

Maybe you could start with asking a question you know he likes talking about, THEN ease into the conversation you want.

I have become the wallpaper in my marriage.

I call myself "noisy woodwork."

I get most annoyed when my husband doesn't remember conversations we've actually had, even when he's looking right at me, and talking and everything.

But, truth is, I'm not ALWAYS talking about important things, so so I realize he just isn't sifting correctly. The workaround is that I write down the important things (mostly scheduling or buying decisions), putting it in his calendar if needed.

What's helped the most is that I have chosen to work with this (IMO bad) part of his personality instead of trying to make him change. It's hard, it sucks, but he appreciates that I've quit bitching about it and he does make it up to me in a way I like.

 

[naudiz]

I want to add a caveat to my last post.

It's important to set aside time to talk, and to save conversations for appropriate moments. As much as I love Mr. N. and cherish his thoughts and feelings, if I'm in the middle of writing, unless something in the apartment is on fire, I don't want to hear about it. Doesn't mean I don't care about what he has to say. It's just that there is proper a time and place, and when I'm busy isn't it.

It's also important to find some common ground, and to have something of mutual interest to talk about. I know Mr. N. couldn't give a rat's ass about religion or politics, and he knows I would rather shove bamboo shoots under my fingernails than be called upon to discuss the finer points of his latest video game. However, we're both into interactive RPGs, him as a player and me as a developer, and that gives us something to talk about that engages both our interest.

If there is no common ground, then that's a problem that needs to be addressed. Try to find something you both enjoy talking about.

 

[VeryBadGirl]

As much as I love Mr. N. and cherish his thoughts and feelings, if I'm in the middle of writing, unless something in the apartment is on fire, I don't want to hear about it.

The other day, I had a PERFECT sentence in my head, he interrupted me. I waved him away while typing as fast as I could, he continued talking. The thought went bye-bye and I was just as mad as I could get. This doesn't happen often, but I agree that there HAS to be a fire to justify an interruption!!!!

I wanted to add another thought, too - it goes along with what Naudiz said.

You HAVE to converse about things that are interesting to him. Often. This will train his ear to perk up and turn toward you. If what you say is always about you, or about things that he doesn't care about, you are training him to stay focused on what he's doing, and repel distraction.

That's part of the work of marraige - to stay interesting and fresh - men do find this attractive. And it's good for YOU, too.

 

[IrishWolfhound]

OK, I'm one of the guilty ones here. I spend time on-line and she doesn't. While we were still trying to save the marriage I simply made it a rule that I was never on-line when she was at home.

Now that we are divorcing but still living together I'm on here more often. I think VBG's point was a good one. Make sure you have his attention, then talk. My ex-to-be and I have avoided a number of arguments that way.

 

[sacremento]

I had one of the ignoring husbands too. I could put up with most of it, but when he ignored me in bed too, that's when I had enough.

I've thought a lot about what happened in my marraige, and maybe I'm partly to blame for being attracted to somewhat aloof, cool types of men. And maybe I am too needy (this is what he always said)

Anyway, my opinion is to realize that what you cannot change, you must accept. And usually you cannot change another person, you can only change yourself. Change your expectations, your way of dealing with it, or your situation.

Good luck, it sucks being lonely, I was lonely in my marraige for too long.

 

[Private Vasquez]

Huh?

What?

 

[WhiteRose]

Is he addicted to an Online Role Playing game? Like EverCrack, or Asheron's Call?

My bf does the same thing when playing AC. That, or we have the three minute delayed conversation.

Sweetie?

...

...

...

Huh?

Nevermind.

hehe Try having a conversation when you're both into an online rpg...only you're playing two different rpgs

I can't even get into cyberring anymore because when I'd try to cyber with my ex , I'd get long periods of silence from his end (no he wasn't attending to Mr. Happy, he was busy SURFING) and it would drive me nuts because how can you keep the mood going when the other partner is pulling a golden retriever act on you (huh? what?) Then I'd get busy doing something else, and he'd message me back 30 minutes later with, "Why'd you stop?"

Um...

 

[IrishWolfhound]

Huh?

What?

Never mind. Just lay back and let me use your beautiful body.

 

[AngelKisses]

You all have interesting points. I agree that perhaps I should make points of getting his attention, but I also have to let in on a secret. When I am doing something and he comes over to me, I always (ALWAYS) listen. I know if I do then it makes him feel important and that it shows him that I respect him.

I also know that I get wrapped up and so I don't mind that. But when we are just walking and his excuse was, "I was thinking." then I get irritated.

I was once walking in the mall with him and I started talking about this party we were going to. I spent ten minutes telling him this or that that I had planned. At the end he goes, "What? Sorry, I was thinking!"

COME ON!

I just want to be thought of as important. I want to know that I am more important to him than the computer or television. I want to be seen as his wife not as Ruby put it, "his wallpaper." If I wanted to be put on the "wall" I would have stayed single.

Lonely doesn't discribe the way I feel at times. Sometimes I just wonder if he even loves me at all.

 

[IrishWolfhound]

Lonely doesn't discribe the way I feel at times. Sometimes I just wonder if he even loves me at all.

You know what, hun? You are damn right. My solution was just fine between the ex & me because we are glorified roomates, not lovers.

Frankly, either you get help or get out, in my opinion. (Qualify my opinions as those of a man who took major ego damage during 24 years of emotional and sexual neglect.) Don't let things go until you are like me, completely insecure.