Domination vs Humiliation: need advice please!

[superstition]

So my man's biggest turn-on is for me to dominate him. I like wearing a strap-on and I don't mind playing around with being dominant though it doesn't really do anything for me since I'm more of a sub with men. The thing is, he's really into humiliation, e.g. cum-swallowing and forced feminization, and I find this aspect of the domination a REALLY big turn-off.

Rationally I have no issues with it, but my emotional reaction is to feel disturbed and disgusted when I humiliate him -- a reaction that I'm ashamed of because I like to think of myself as being very open-minded sexually.

He knows that generally it's not my thing and that I'm just being "GGG" as Dan Savage says, but I've tried to hide the fact that I'm not just neutral about it but actually turned off. He says he's happy with how I dominate him but I know it would be better if I enjoyed it and I would like to enjoy it for my own sake too! As it is, it's kind of a stressful ordeal for me.

I've tried reading femdom blogs, erotica, and porn in the hope that I'll find something in it that will get me going... but no luck so far, and we've been together almost 4 years.

Does anyone have any advice on how I might be able to get into this, or manage my reaction better? He loves it so much that I really want to be able to do this for him.

 

[HottieMama]

I really have no advice on how to get into it more for him. Either it's your kink, or it is not. I think it is awesome though, that you are willing to try to make him happy.

Sorry I am no help, but I thought you at least needed a pat on the back for giving it an effort. Many would not.

 

[marieR19]

Have to agree with HottieMama.

If it's not your thing, there is really nothing you can do to make yourself like it. You can compromise, do certain things with him because you know he derives pleasure from it, but you can't force yourself to like something that you find disturbing.

And you shouldn't have to. The same way that I would never be comfortable being a dom (or heck, being straight...), it's just the way you are. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with explaining that to him.

 

[Stella_Omega]

A friend of mine says that she doesn't like the term "forced" and prefers to call it "supervised" feminisation and Bi.

Can you negotiate with him a little bit? Tell him that there are some times when you simply don't feel you can muster up the brutality-- and would rather guide him with carrots than drive him with a stick?

And please remember that a PYL has the right to hold to her limits, just as does a pyl.

 

[Etoile]

Great advice so far. My main contribution is the possibility that you can't force yourself to be into it. Something either trips your trigger, or it doesn't. You can learn to accept something, and being GGG is great, but if it doesn't get you off, it's hard to get truly into it.

Make sure you communicate with him. If he doesn't know it turns you off, he needs to. He should also know that just because it's a turnoff doesn't mean it won't happen. But it's an extra special gift to him when you indulge this fantasy, so make sure he knows it!

 

[eastern sun]

So my man's biggest turn-on is for me to dominate him. I like wearing a strap-on and I don't mind playing around with being dominant though it doesn't really do anything for me since I'm more of a sub with men. The thing is, he's really into humiliation, e.g. cum-swallowing and forced feminization, and I find this aspect of the domination a REALLY big turn-off.

Rationally I have no issues with it, but my emotional reaction is to feel disturbed and disgusted when I humiliate him -- a reaction that I'm ashamed of because I like to think of myself as being very open-minded sexually.

He knows that generally it's not my thing and that I'm just being "GGG" as Dan Savage says, but I've tried to hide the fact that I'm not just neutral about it but actually turned off. He says he's happy with how I dominate him but I know it would be better if I enjoyed it and I would like to enjoy it for my own sake too! As it is, it's kind of a stressful ordeal for me.

I've tried reading femdom blogs, erotica, and porn in the hope that I'll find something in it that will get me going... but no luck so far, and we've been together almost 4 years.

Does anyone have any advice on how I might be able to get into this, or manage my reaction better? He loves it so much that I really want to be able to do this for him.

I'm slave to my husband, and cuckolding humiliation is his biggest turn-on. It took me a long time to find my way into it - years, in fact.

There are times when I am just saying the words I know he wants to hear. Those are the times when I focus on giving him just exactly what he wants. You mentioned that you are more of a sub with men. It's possible to layer that submission into the topping that gets him off.

But we've also discovered - in time - more "out-of-the-box" ways of meeting both our needs at once. Since you've already looked at stories - try looking at the "stuff" of your lives. Are there moments when his behavior makes you want to bring him down a peg or two? Are there moments when he's acting "like a girl" in your eyes?

Instead of going straight to the cliches, try stopping along the way. When we were younger I loved to put mascara on my husband, because he really looked great in it. And I have always loved men's asses in thongs. Maybe you can use the feminization to make him look good.

Obviously, those things appeal to me; but if you watch your man with the idea that you're going to find the subtle moments when his desires match yours, you might discover a whole new method of submissive topping.

 

[superstition]

There are times when I am just saying the words I know he wants to hear. Those are the times when I focus on giving him just exactly what he wants. You mentioned that you are more of a sub with men. It's possible to layer that submission into the topping that gets him off.

"Just saying the words I know he wants to hear" is exactly what it feels like for me, all the time though.

I'm really interested in this idea of submissive topping -- could you elaborate on that? Seems like it could work for me if I could figure it out...

But we've also discovered - in time - more "out-of-the-box" ways of meeting both our needs at once. Since you've already looked at stories - try looking at the "stuff" of your lives. Are there moments when his behavior makes you want to bring him down a peg or two? Are there moments when he's acting "like a girl" in your eyes?

That's a really good idea that hadn't occurred to me. Occasionally if I've been feeling irritated or a little angry with him (I know that's more extreme than "wanting to bring him down a peg"), I've been able to channel that into enjoying dominating him. But I'm worried that it's unhealthy to use negative emotions to top... doesn't seem like I'm "protecting" him enough or something.

Maybe you can use the feminization to make him look good.

I know he would absolutely love that... but he's really masculine looking so even slight feminization just makes him look ridiculous, not hot (which is why he gets off on it, because contrasts so much with his usual masculine image).

Thank you everyone for your replies!! I really appreciate it!

 

[superstition]

Make sure you communicate with him. If he doesn't know it turns you off, he needs to. He should also know that just because it's a turnoff doesn't mean it won't happen. But it's an extra special gift to him when you indulge this fantasy, so make sure he knows it!

Yeah, I guess I've been hesitant to let him know how much it turns me off because I'm afraid that a) it'll ruin it for him and b) he'll feel like I'm trying to get out of being GGG (he's VERY big on the whole GGG thing).

 

[superstition]

A friend of mine says that she doesn't like the term "forced" and prefers to call it "supervised" feminisation and Bi.

Can you negotiate with him a little bit? Tell him that there are some times when you simply don't feel you can muster up the brutality-- and would rather guide him with carrots than drive him with a stick?

And please remember that a PYL has the right to hold to her limits, just as does a pyl.

I have trouble with the limits thing because he likes to ask me to do things to him and I find it hard to refuse (I've tried telling him that he's "topping from the bottom" but he doesn't agree). I have no trouble being assertive in other areas of our relationship and sex life, I just feel so negative about the domination that I worry that my own limits aren't "reasonable" or something.

With the carrots idea, do you mean having him do things to/for me instead of more directly dominating him?

 

[djhindy]

Being a guy who is also into being dominated/humiliated, I can tell you its not shameful. Some of us guys have feminine aspects to our fetishes and desires. Just like some women enjoy masculine activities, like strap-ons. Some guys are really turned off by a girl with a strap on. Your having a similar reaction. I can't offer a whole lot of advice on how to overcome that, other than to enjoy the fact that your giving your partner a lot of pleasure. Keep an open mind and stay willing! Your doing the right thing.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I have trouble with the limits thing because he likes to ask me to do things to him and I find it hard to refuse (I've tried telling him that he's "topping from the bottom" but he doesn't agree). I have no trouble being assertive in other areas of our relationship and sex life, I just feel so negative about the domination that I worry that my own limits aren't "reasonable" or something.

With the carrots idea, do you mean having him do things to/for me instead of more directly dominating him?

Yes, he fucking well is topping you from the bottom. Which is the way I tend to be too-- he just needs to be honest about it.

What is he doing for you? You are putting a lot of time and effort into doing things his way, after all.

He needs to let you top him in the way YOU WANT TO TOP. If that means you never tell him he's a miserable slut while you're plowing his ass, he can live with it.

I just invented this carrot in response to your question; I tell my bottom how wonderful he is, and how happy his responsiveness makes me. Do things like hold absolutely still inside him until he squirms and whimpers in the way I want to hear-- then reward him with some fucking. Then tell him it's time to earn some more fucking by coming up with another sexy response. Hold still untill he makes a sexy move. Then he gets some more carrot. So to speak.

Since I don't get to feel the hot wet inside him with my silicone dildo, I would want a whole lot of incentive to continue wearing myself out on him.

 

[Primalex]

but no luck so far, and we've been together almost 4 years.

Still early enough to bail out.

 

[Etoile]

Yes, he fucking well is topping you from the bottom. Which is the way I tend to be too-- he just needs to be honest about it.

What is he doing for you? You are putting a lot of time and effort into doing things his way, after all.

He needs to let you top him in the way YOU WANT TO TOP. If that means you never tell him he's a miserable slut while you're plowing his ass, he can live with it.

I just invented this carrot in response to your question; I tell my bottom how wonderful he is, and how happy his responsiveness makes me. Do things like hold absolutely still inside him until he squirms and whimpers in the way I want to hear-- then reward him with some fucking. Then tell him it's time to earn some more fucking by coming up with another sexy response. Hold still untill he makes a sexy move. Then he gets some more carrot. So to speak.

Since I don't get to feel the hot wet inside him with my silicone dildo, I would want a whole lot of incentive to continue wearing myself out on him.

This is a very, very good post.

 

[koalakutie]

top him right back

.....

 

[Stella_Omega]

Um, no.

We don't leave people alone in bondage. Not safe.

 

[bhndblueyes88]

seriously. and alone with yourself doesn't count either. Erm, as far as safety goes. God knows I make more than safe use of my knowledge of release knots

I really have nothing to add, but I also wanted to give you a pat on the back for working with your partner for his kinks. A lot of people wouldn't

 

[koalakutie]

preferences

.....

 

[Stella_Omega]

There are people who enjoy bukkake'd or simulated raped or being asphyxiated

and one of these things is not like the others, for krissake.

I lost a friend to self-asphyxiation back in the seventies. Thing is-- he didn't die right away. He was in a coma for eight months as I recall, before the hospital let his family pull the plug.

Coming back from your shopping trip to find a cold dead boyfriend tied to the bed? That'll ruin your dinner plans. One of the first rules of BDSM is; Don't Help Your Friends Die.

 

[koalakutie]

whatever works

.....

 

[Stella_Omega]

I think what you are talking about is often called "RACK: Risk Aware Consensual Kink. Play that way, but still-- be aware of the risks.

I have to admit, when I think about bondage I almost never think about loose bondage that someone can hop right out of anytime they feel like it... Does sound nice, though. Comfort bondage. I could go for that.

There are handbooks galore, as a matter of fact. BDSM is more complicated than vanilla boinking.

 

[Licia]

I know he would absolutely love that... but he's really masculine looking so even slight feminization just makes him look ridiculous, not hot (which is why he gets off on it, because contrasts so much with his usual masculine image).

Apologies for the butchery, but we're birds of a feather.

Hubby and I have been playing for more than a decade, and I agree, humiliation turns my stomach, ick.

I think the first step I took into his "feminisation" was simply giving him a hand job with the pair of silk panties I was wearing at that time. My hubby, too, is an extremely masculine sort of man as well, so the first fashion show...yep, hilarious. But then again, I do get 'sick' kicks out of humor. The connection quickly cemented. Perhaps I wasn't being so sweet, either. I knew I'd be cultivating his first tastes for fetish. Yay me!

Wrapping my brain around the concept, I'd assumed it was more about the physical sensation and the "dirty macho man". (He's a super alpha in the waking world, so to speak.) When I asked him about it later, he didn't articulate very well, but he did agree that he was confident it was naughty. No shame, though, just a turn-on.

A few years go by, play evolves. We're at the point now where he's begging for a strap-on. A scene flashes through my mind instantaneously. Fast forward to the end and I hit a wall. "What am I gonna do if he starts worshipping my cock?" Internal dialogue: 'Right, well, that just might make me feel queasy as it's an object, but I do sometimes objectify him to cum. Huh. Not sure. Maybe I'll invite another man into the bed. Prospect of sharing. Not convinced I'm comfortable with that. Blah, procurring that cock cage is a must. Gonna slow him down a bit. Anal probe first...'

I'd like to say I've created a monster, but I think that beast has been stalking all his life.

 

[DecadeIn]

If humiliation is what gets him hot. Then lets clarify a little. We could do this with a direct communication, but what's the fun in that eh?

Ensure that you have agreed a safeword for this type of play. When you are going to be the D and he's going to be in a submissive humiliation scene with you.
Traffic lights safe words are great, when exploring new areas of play together i find.
He can use this whenever he wishes. You agree to abide by this. Always.

Here are some other ideas, maybe something you could adapt to you and yours?

1. I would ask him to write you a letter by hand.

In the letter, he is to of: found/completed and enclosed a hard copy of a BDSM checklist. There is one in the library here.
He is also to write you a lovely letter, asking very nicely for what he wants you to be for him. Once he has written this letter, he is to post it to you. Snail mail.

When it arrives, display it in the kitchen, unopened. If he mentions the letter, asks if you've seen it etc, you can say the day you will open it. (say friday evening)

Get the house empty. Send him shopping for some nibbles for you both. Your favourites.
Have him sat/knelt whatever but lower than you are. And open the letter.

Then, closely question him on some of his pathetic choices. How does he react?
Why does he like wearing x?
What is it about being covered in oil he likes?
Why a maid or whatever it is
Is he able to hand you the reigns, and not squinney like a brat when the going gets tough? for a night?
Will he pull rank or safeword?
Is he squirming, stammering, eloquent, excited, hard, confused???
Pay attention to detail.

Sun down, put him in a pair of dark trousers. Say black jeans. Plus rest of clothes, But buy a pair of palest blue jeans, roughly 2 sizes too small and keep these out of sight, but on you.
Go somewhere semi quiet, and have him piss himself in his trousers, whilst he doesnt miss a step.
How does he react?
Is he squirming, stammering, eloquent, excited, hard, confused???
Pay attention to detail.

Find a public toilet, hand him the jeans, and make him go change his pissed pants, he's so embarrassing!
Give him the too small pants, in a bag and send him off.
When he comes out, look him up and down. Dont laugh. Look fucking disgusted. Say something like "you look like a fat piece of shit, those jeans are your size! you've got a muffin top for goodness sakes"
How does he react?
Is he squirming, stammering, eloquent, excited, hard, confused, broken???
Pay attention to detail.

Have him do tasks, fetch this, make me a cup of tea. Iron my skirt for work tomorrow etc. Get something out of this night at least. (please!)

When you return home. Send him to the bathroom to run a nice bubble bath.
And er, id end it right there with a "thankyou, that will be all for tonight".

Then have a non dynamic, ie. He's not D and you are not s. conversation about what the hell just happened. For both of you.
It maybe, that with time, you could desensitise and allow him to do chores in a maids outfit. But you wont fuck him as a female.
Or
you dont want a bar of it.
or
you will give x if he gives y

negotiate.
you are encouraged to and allowed to. This is not a D s dynamic. This is another ball game. His balls preferably.

The couple that can have those "what did we do lastnight?" nights, are blessed in my opinion.
We call ours, 2 glasses of red nights. All bets are off D/s wise and we can try whatever takes our fancy. You can always opt out with a safe word.

It maybe a great way to have a trouser suite made for work. I particularly liked the "give me ALL your money NOW"

I like to charge him. at the end. New boots anyone?

Have fun. Dont stress. There are gazillion kinks and quirks to adapt to how the two of you like to play. If not girlie maid, he can do other things im sure.
Remind him to use his Green safeword too. A hint of the word green, when im faltering in things, is a great encouragement.

Good luck

 

[faulknerlovr]

Apologies for the butchery, but we're birds of a feather.


I think the first step I took into his "feminisation" was simply giving him a hand job with the pair of silk panties I was wearing at that time. My hubby, too, is an extremely masculine sort of man as well, so the first fashion show...yep, hilarious. But then again, I do get 'sick' kicks out of humor. The connection quickly cemented. Perhaps I wasn't being so sweet, either. I knew I'd be cultivating his first tastes for fetish. Yay me!

This is interesting. Taking what Licia said and expounding upon it, does your husband get turned on by being laughed at? Because that's definitely a part of humiliation as well. And if you see your husband as a bit laughable (which is fine) when he's being feminized, you could ultimately use that to your advantage, provided he's good with being laughed at and you find it funny. Just a thought. Carry on!

 

[satindesire]

I never understood why humiliation=feminization. That just seems like that's saying being feminine I.E being a woman is "bad".

I personally LIKE being a woman.

 

[BiBunny]

I never understood why humiliation=feminization. That just seems like that's saying being feminine I.E being a woman is "bad".

That's exactly what it is.