Dominants who run out of steam or become inconsistent over course of relationship?

[Mr Blonde]

I am directing this question at the slaves/submissives but anyone is free to answer.

What do you think of dominants who seem to run out of steam once the relationship is established? Meaning that they seem to become neglectful or less intense or losing the consistent style they displayed at the start of the relationship.

James G5 recently posted about a dominant who was "incapable of sustaining a relationship for more than a few months...he'd go in all Super-TPE Dom but it would peter out" and this person's partner was "living with a guy who has her as a domestic servant basically but barely interacts with her otherwise".

So does this happen to you? If so, what do you think is the cause and how quickly do you lose patience? Are your expectations maybe too high or too fantasy oriented? Are dominants who fade so badly simply not very good dominants?

What about a dominant who runs hot and cold throughout a relationship? Vacillating between being a great dominant some weeks but being fairly mediocre (but never inept) at other times. How common is this and what do you think of such a master?

 

[Desdemona]

I haven't had an experience like those you describe. I guess I'm lucky with Snooze. I think all relationships cycle and have ups and downs, though. I'm sure there are times when a dominant might not feel particularly "domly". I know there are times when I don't feel particularly submissive. I suspect what you describe is a more extreme version of this, though.

 

[WriterDom]

There was a Domme who posted a similar thread long ago saying that once love enters the picture, Domness is diminished.

 

[Saint_Sinner]

I don't know if I have the qualifications to speak intelligently on this subject, but in the situation you describe, it seems to me that the goal in the first place was to have a domestic servant.

 

[Mr Blonde]

Possible explantions so far!

1. cyclical ups and downs (it is normal)

2. the dominant begin loving the submissive and loses track of the D/s boundaries

3. dominant really wanted a maid

 

[redelicious]

Or maybe the Dominant doesn't understand power exchange? Or maybe s/he is lazy and looses interest after the initial thrill?

Those things of initial attraction are not going to be enough to sustain any relationship (though they are important to maintain in their own right). Lulls are certainly unaviodable at times, but neglecting to give energy to a relationship smacks of ignorance or boredom to me. It makes me wonder if the Dom/me really understands exactly what their role is. A sub can only do so much!

 

[cellis]

I am one who needs consistancy in all things. I especially need that from Him. There has been a time when His illness has interceded in our relationship and it has made it very difficult to cope. It is not that He is inconsistant, but that He lacks the energy to be His normal self.

 

[James G 5]

Certainly I think there is an incidence of what is called "Dominant Drop" (by Mistress Steel in some of her excellent essays) where one cannot be Domly all the time (leading to the cyclical changes), and I can see where in some cases emotional involvement can lessen the desire/ability to be Domly, and the maid thing is possible too
I have heard stories like the one here from several subs I know, and I think the causes were probably different in each
Part of it comes, I think, from rushing to establish a strong 24/7 TPE without actually establishing a RELATIONSHIP first (and that includes online time...I mean REALLY getting to know someone)
People meet, feel connected, and jump in to things with little basis
Maybe she's not the sub he wanted
Maybe outside of when she's under orders she's not very engaging
There're all sorts of issues here
this is a BIG part of why I believe in FRIENDS FIRST and getting to KNOW someone
Just because you're my friend & I like you, care about you, and respect you doesn't mean I won't glory in humiliating, torturing, degrading, and controlling you
On the contrary, all of those things make it EASIER since you let me in more
One sub whom Pouty & I were considering keeping last year was in a "getting to know you" phase with us when she suddenly ran off (quite literally, leaving her home & everything) to move hundreds of miles away to be with a Dom she knew from the 'net and 2 overnight r/t meetings
Part of her reasoning was that I had not been quick enough to take control of her life on all levels (demanding full approval of her schedule & activites, assignments and orders, mental discipline, etc etc), or to use her physically and sexually, whereas her online beau had immediately put her under mental orders and had beat her and used her as soon as they met
I explained that I was taking time to build a relationship and get to know her enough to do all those things in the best way, and ways that were sustainable...she answered that he didn't NEED time, he'd managed it as soon as he met her, so she picked him
2 months & he'd burned himself out...
Now she is stuck with someone 20 years older, with little in common, who doesn't control or order or use her anymore, far from home and freinds
Sad thing is, this is the third time she's put herself in a situation like this...and I heard about it from her best friend, who's in a similar relationship

Mebbe people should take a little more time and not just jump at something that looks like the answer to a dream


Oh wait, what am I thinking
Common snese and not romantic fantasies, I must be high
Not to mention the online Doms will be coming for me now

 

[cellis]

Oh James that is an incredibly sad story...

It was important for us to have a relationship before we did anything else... I have a little problem with trust (I know I am not alone in this) and I needed time to be able to trust Himself was who He said He was... This was the most important thing for me.

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

Relationships change over time, and do go in cycles as well. I think a big problem is greedy submissives who think it is all about them and what they want. What they need to realize is that submitting means not only putting your ass in the air, but also being designated driver for your Dominant when they want to go out and drink a few beers...

 

[James G 5]

Relationships change over time, and do go in cycles as well. I think a big problem is greedy submissives who think it is all about them and what they want. What they need to realize is that submitting means not only putting your ass in the air, but also being designated driver for your Dominant when they want to go out and drink a few beers...

Agreed, that does happen at times
But I am talking about a circumstance (in the original thread & comment that spurred the idea here) where the Dom has basically cut off all contact with the sub
She goes to work, comes home, makes dinner, and watches TV
He goes to work, comes home, eats dinner, gets online, and ignores he
There's virtually no communication or interaction, D/s or otherwise
They're pretty much just housemates
The best friend of the sub I mentioned saw her relationship turn in to prety much a straight vanilla one with no hint of BDSM
In neither case are we talking about a greedy sub so much as a guy who just stopped being a Dom...even our 24/7 TPE's and slaves on this borad talk about regular interaction of some sort unless they're being ignored as punishment

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

Agreed, that does happen at times
But I am talking about a circumstance (in the original thread & comment that spurred the idea here) where the Dom has basically cut off all contact with the sub
She goes to work, comes home, makes dinner, and watches TV
He goes to work, comes home, eats dinner, gets online, and ignores he
There's virtually no communication or interaction, D/s or otherwise
They're pretty much just housemates
The best friend of the sub I mentioned saw her relationship turn in to prety much a straight vanilla one with no hint of BDSM
In neither case are we talking about a greedy sub so much as a guy who just stopped being a Dom...even our 24/7 TPE's and slaves on this borad talk about regular interaction of some sort unless they're being ignored as punishment

Well, it depends on how long it lasts...more than a month might be trouble. Sometimes, a few weeks off is needed, to "recharge the batteries". Otherwise, it could be exactly the same as any other relationship that starts out hot and heavy, and then cools over time.

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

Oh, wait, and ummmmm...doesn't TPE mean that the submissive does whatever the Dominant wants, even if it isn't what they want to do? BDSM isn't just kinky sex, you know.

 

[lark sparrow]

The submissive is not the only one with a responsibility in a D/s relationship.

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

The submissive is not the only one with a responsibility in a D/s relationship.

Really? I had no idea...

 

[glamorilla]

the best way to get the magic back when a dom begins losing his interest is tie him up, gag him and stick a big vibrating butt plug up his ass.

that'll get his attention.

 

[lark sparrow]

Really? I had no idea...

Oh, don't be modest... I know you know it all.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Re: Possible explantions so far!

...
2. the dominant begin loving the submissive and loses track of the D/s boundaries
...

I had a friend who began what I am certain was a D/s relationship with a submissive woman several years ago. He told me a while back that he had 'lost' that facet of the relationship with her and could no longer get it back. He fell in love with her and now their relationship is basically a vanilla thing with some kink thrown in.

I think he misses being the Master and Dom but he feels they have reached a point of no return, sort of speak. And he loves her too much to leave her. I don't know what that says for sure, aside from saying that all relationships are different just as all people are... I know many Doms who are in love with their subs and still remain Doms.

 

[Mr Blonde]

Re: Possible explantions so far! (update)

Some very good discussion. Please do not think I am rude for summarizing the points instead of responding. I am still thinking of my own answer.

1. It is normal
a. cyclical ups and downs
b. the dominant is experiencing "dom/me drop" (one cannot be domly at all times)
c. sometimes a dom/me takes a couple weeks off to recharge batteries and the submissive should understand that
d. the dominant is tired or sick and physically lacks the energy to do more

2. Relationship changed
a. the dominant begin loving the submissive and loses track of the D/s boundaries
b. a friendship was not established before rushing into a BDSM relationship and this has caused the imbalance
c. the dominant enjoys the initial thrill or "conquest" but loses interest in regular relationship

3. Ignorance or not BDSM
a. the dominant is not in a natural role (not really a dom/me)
b. the dominant is clueless or inexperienced
c. the submissive misunderstands her role and is not letting the dominant guide the pace of the relationship
d. the dominant really wanted a maid

 

[peterbrazen]

People

People are constantly changing and evolving. Relationships of any kind are hard when the "magic" isn't there and that is why communication is vitally important.
My friend, Fallon2 (where are you, anyway??) used to say that in any relationship there has to be love or some type of affection to keep it alive, especially in a Master/sub relationship. Oh, yes, respect, he'd say is equally important.

 

[Justina123]

There are days- sometimes a whole bunch of them in a row- when I guess you could say Sir and I may seem to be vanilla or: "He goes to work, comes home, eats dinner, gets online, and ignores her". We both work fulltime, sometimes conflicting work times, there are three kids, sometimes four, living in the house, all of who need to be driven to places and paid attention to- and talk about full schedules! We may barely see each other for days, and when we do, we are both quite tired. One or the other of us may grab a book, or get online, or whatever as a means of relaxing and unwinding.

I personally think this is just real life. To me, it doesn't change the d/s dynamic at all- whether we have verbal or other interaction on a daily basis has nothing to do with it.

- justina

 

[SubmissiveDove5]

I posted this in the wrong thread.

 

[shelleb4]

im still really new to this, so i could well be mistaken. But i think that if you love someone, it doesnt necessarily upset the D/s relationship it could well enhance it. Knowledge that you are loved sets you free, free to really trust your partner, safe in the knowledge that they would have your best interest close to their heart. Free then to push forward in limits.
If you know your loved, then you wouldnt interpret so readily that your dom/me not being on form was because they no longer want you.

 

[Bandit58]

im still really new to this, so i could well be mistaken. But i think that if you love someone, it doesnt necessarily upset the D/s relationship it could well enhance it. Knowledge that you are loved sets you free, free to really trust your partner, safe in the knowledge that they would have your best interest close to their heart. Free then to push forward in limits.
If you know your loved, then you wouldnt interpret so readily that your dom/me not being on form was because they no longer want you.

I am new to this too......I am in love with Master, and He with me. He also suffers with bad health and doesn't have the energy He once had. But when we do play I feel safe because I know He loves me.

I trust Him to gently push and lead me where He wants me.....I have learned so much about myself even in the short time we've been together (4 months). We are hoping that changing His treatment in the next few weeks will have a positive effect on His energy levels, but if that happens He's told me to watch out - we'll really be getting serious then!