Dom/me vulnerabilities in the D/s relationship

[KillerMuffin]

I'm mining for information and I'm hoping that you can help me. I'm plotting a story involving a D/s relationship where the protagonist is a Dom. No other setting really works for this, so I need a little help.

The obvious vulnerabilities for subs are easy and I don't want to go the whole vicious sub sends him to jail route again. It's not only cliche, but I consider it weak writing.

Characters are human and what makes them interesting are their weaknesses, vulnerabilities, flaws, and they way they deal with or overcome them. I want a human being for a protagonist, not some cookie cutter.

I am having difficulties imagining what sorts of vulnerabilities a Dom might face in the dynamics of a D/s relationship. Any thoughts on how these vulnerabilites might be overcome would be helpful as well.

Your experience, credentials, or anything else doesn't matter to me, just your opinions.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Hi KillerMuffin,

There are a lot of vulnerabilities that I needed to overcome as a Dominant.

The first being accepting for who I am, finding out what makes me tick and how I could live with myself for enjoying controlling so absolutely my partner.

Also the constant being in charge and not knowing how to relax in a relationship is something that is incredibly tiring until you learn that it is ok relaxing a bit. But in the beginning I always found it very hard to relax out of fear to lose the respect and losing control.

There was also fear of rejection, being afraid that even my sub would be revolted by my sexual taste.

But my biggest fear in the beginning was my fear to actually do something that could cripple my partner. To try out something new without really knowing how to do it and the end result being that I could do serious harm to my partner, that one was the most difficult to overcome.

Francisco
PS if you need more just PM me.

 

[WillowPuss]

KM - I will possibly be able to help a little, but cannot even begin to post at length tonight. (I have just come home from a long get together with my Master and Shadowsdream and this very topic came up).

I will try and post tomorrow

 

[Lancecastor]

A claustrophobic D who has anxiety attacks when wearing the hood...

An obsessive compulsive D who has to count and recount every lash...

A D with a leather allergy...

 

[FungiUg]

Hmmm, for me, several things.

I have to watch "emotional entanglement". If I'm playing, and it's not a long term thing, then I worry about me falling for her, or her falling for me, etc.

I also worry about the issue of a submissive being so deeply in subspace that she can't say "no", and I end up damaging her.

But the main "vulnerability" for me would be a charge of rape after the event. That one scares me. I only do consensual play, and I emphasise consensuality over and over in the lead up, but even so... I can imagine a scenario where someone I played with turns around and accuses me of rape or abuse.

 

[Justina123]

Sometimes a Dominant can have strong romantic type feelings for a submissive which get in the way of the D/s dynamic, making it difficult for Him to discipline, inflict pain, etc....all things which the submissive WANTS but does not/cannot "ask" for.

Also, sometimes Dominants find it difficult to ask for advice or help from their submissives. For example, the submissive may be more skilled or successful in handling finances than the Dominant, or have more child-rearing experience, and the Dominant may find it difficult to request advice or help in these areas.

- justina

 

[zipman]

Hey KM,

I think two of the issues that used to affect me are:

1) The desire to be perfect

2) Guilt over the desire to inflict pain


You may find more on this thread:

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=112930&highlight=vulnerability

Hope this helps

 

[Quint]

The biggest one I have seen T go through is, as Zipman said, the fear of enjoying inflicting. He knew that it was an ingrained, societally-based conflict. But knowing and feeling are very different things, and deep down he felt that he was sick for wanting to do these things to me.

The problem was a lack of context, the difference between assaulting a woman who did not want it and hurting me, a very willing participant for our mutual enjoyment. It's a fine line.

Another one is the question of who he's really doing this for. It still comes up sometimes, since I'm the one with the majority of the edgy fantasies. Granted, it pushes my physical limits when we do them, but the fact that I was the one who fantasized about them makes me question if he would have even wanted to do them on his own. This leads me to wonder why he does them. Whose pleasure he's dominating me for.

One that has come up as a result of the previous question is what he does when he feels his authority being questioned. Is he strong enough and confident enough to continue his control, or does he throw up his hands in resignation? How long-lasting would the repercussions of giving up on me be? How would that affect my very concept of submission, if I can take that control away from him simply by being difficult? Or is it better to talk things through as equals and deal with the problem that way before resuming the D/s part of their relationship? Which aspect does the submissive need more, reassurance that she will continue to be dominated, or reassurance in her status as a partner?

Happy writings, KM!

 

[Ebonyfire]

Hi KM

There is a great chance for vulnerability for a Dom/me to fall in love with their submissive.

In some people, the ability to dominant weakens when they see their submissive as a lover. It does not happen all the time, but it does happen enough to make some relationships more complicated.

 

[Richard49]

To have a "collared" submissive
kick you to the curb

It is like lossing a part of your body

If you then add a romantic attachment

WOW

 

[catalina_francisco]

Which aspect does the submissive need more, reassurance that she will continue to be dominated, or reassurance in her status as a partner?

For me I think I would require an equal balance of both.

Catalina

 

[KillerMuffin]

Ya'll have been beautifully helpful. Just watch out, Francisco! I might just take you up on that offer.

I've got the first quarter of this story languishing on my hard drive because I couldn't get the Dom character to be a real person. He was turning into one of those cookie-cutter doms you can find in those grimacingly awful Ode to My Master stories that replaced grammar and punctuation skills with adoration and devotion.

I'm hoping to finish it soon, the story.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Ya'll have been beautifully helpful. Just watch out, Francisco! I might just take you up on that offer.

As if I would ever mind conversing with a beautiful flower.

Francisco.

 

[WriterDom]

There is a conflict. I trust that you have met enough Doms to know that we aren't abusive. One of the Dommes, perhaps shadow, wasn't eb or misworthy, but she argued that love is usually the end of a D/s relationship. That might be a good story angle. I don't agree, but it is something you have get past as a developing Dom.

 

[Netzach]

I definitely think that love fucks up a perfectly good D/s dynamic for me.

But I wouldn't want it any other way, either.

 

[Ebonyfire]

There is a conflict. I trust that you have met enough Doms to know that we aren't abusive. One of the Dommes, perhaps shadow, wasn't eb or misworthy, but she argued that love is usually the end of a D/s relationship. That might be a good story angle. I don't agree, but it is something you have get past as a developing Dom.

To set the rocord straight, I have always said that "falling in love "is the end of a D/s relationship. Shadowsdream and I agree on that. Loving and falling in love are two different occurrences.

 

[Mr Blonde]

Hmmm, the D falling in love with the s sounds look a good angle.

The first thing that popped into my mind would be to start with a normal character and then weaken him somehow. Perhaps he could be attacked/mugged, some sort of situation where he had to fight off his attacker(s). He could defend himself but take it too far. Sort of have a blackout/brownout where he doesn't remember inflicting some of the damage that started as self-defense. That loss of self-control could make him gunshy in his relationship. Perhaps he could have a miniature brownout with his s and then he is too scared to resume. Lots of self-doubt and inner-conflict. He would have to overcome his troubles because the s needs him and he needs to be himself again.

Nah, I'd go with the love thing.

 

[catalina_francisco]

To set the rocord straight, I have always said that "falling in love "is the end of a D/s relationship. Shadowsdream and I agree on that. Loving and falling in love are two different occurrences.

Oh how this last statement brings back memories. Used to believe it vehemently for such a long time......but as The Supremes song says 'the lovebug done bit me'. Not that it hadn't before, just not as deeply and truely pure as it has now I have found the one I had begun to think could only live in fantasy.

Catalina

 

[Ebonyfire]

Oh how this last statement brings back memories. Used to believe it vehemently for such a long time......but as The Supremes song says 'the lovebug done bit me'. Not that it hadn't before, just not as deeply and truely pure as it has now I have found the one I had begun to think could only live in fantasy.

Catalina

Well, I have lived a long time, and I still find it so. Being "in love" is a fantasy. Not real. But those who know Me know I do not like to repeat myself, so I won't elaborate. I have discussed this difference between the fantasy of "being in love" and the concept of unconditional love ad nauseum.

 

[Croctden]

This may just be me but I’ve always felt more responsible for the health of the relationship than in just a normal one. As the dom you’re setting the pace, it’s a fragile egg in you hands. While I disagree falling in love ends a BDSM relationship, I would say that the do tend to break apart easier. I try to cherish and nurture not just the sub, but the relationship as a whole, if that makes sense.

 

[Netzach]

Me, I've been in a relationship that was pure unadulterated D/s. M/s. That was the whole point, purpose and drive in it. It was not "in love" it was not even love in more than a friendly, affectionate way.

It was fascinating. It was engaging. It was fulfilling, deeply so.

That said:

I'll take my at-times hard to manage, riotously romantic, pain in the ass not always perfectly ordered D/ssy thing over it any day. So sue me.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Me, I've been in a relationship that was pure unadulterated D/s. M/s. That was the whole point, purpose and drive in it. It was not "in love" it was not even love in more than a friendly, affectionate way.

It was fascinating. It was engaging. It was fulfilling, deeply so.

That said:

I'll take my at-times hard to manage, riotously romantic, pain in the ass not always perfectly ordered D/ssy thing over it any day. So sue me.

Now why would anyone dare to sue you N?!! LOL. Sounds to me, like many of us you not only find the incorporation of some positive loving human emotion fascinating, but you also thrive on the challenge of making the two elements, love and D/s, survive together even if at times you feel like tearing your hair out...oh well maybe someone else's hair.

Catalina

 

[catalina_francisco]

Well, I have lived a long time, and I still find it so. Being "in love" is a fantasy. Not real. But those who know Me know I do not like to repeat myself, so I won't elaborate. I have discussed this difference between the fantasy of "being in love" and the concept of unconditional love ad nauseum.

For me the so called fantasy of "being in love" is unconditional love, purely and simply, not an either/or thing, but I'm sure most have gathered that by now.

C

 

[Ebonyfire]

For me the so called fantasy of "being in love" is unconditional love, purely and simply, not an either/or thing, but I'm sure most have gathered that by now.

C

But if you read the posts around here, not everyone is wired that way. There is a lot of problem with loving unconditionally, cause often that means you may not get that love returned.

I have found that when most people talk of being in love, they have a lot of expectations, that many times are not realized. We see that in a lot of the posts from subs who have "fallen in love" with their dominant, and are angry or disappointed when things do not live up to their expectation.

I think of unconditional love as being love "without expectation." You love simply because you can.

 

[catalina_francisco]

But if you read the posts around here, not everyone is wired that way. There is a lot of problem with loving unconditionally, cause often that means you may not get that love returned.

I have found that when most people talk of being in love, they have a lot of expectations, that many times are not realized. We see that in a lot of the posts from subs who have "fallen in love" with their dominant, and are angry or disappointed when things do not live up to their expectation.

I think of unconditional love as being love "without expectation." You love simply because you can.

And on this point I can agree and see your point well. Is good to have it recognised.

C