Dolce color d'orïental zaffiro (feedback please!!!)

[Lauren Hynde]

Help me with this one. I'm writing it but I don't feel it going anywhere, which is a shame. I could explan it, but I'd rather get some of your views on it first.



Dolce color d'orïental zaffiro
Dante Alighieri
The Divine Comedy (Purgatory I - 13)


Here blossomed the islands of delight
For those who navigated due south,
And endured the torments of the cape,
Orienting the path of the blackened keels.

And beneath these high clouds, white lyres,
Human eyes for the first time truly saw
The sweet blue of east and sapphires.

 

[JUDO]

I like where this is going. To me, it feels like the Narrator's introduction to a stage play which an audience is about to watch. The Narrator is used to place images of time, culture and location into their minds.

Think of Shakespeare's introductory speech to 'Romeo & Juliet' - ("two star-crossed lover's meet...")




Here blossomed the islands of delight
For those who navigated due south,
And endured the torments of the cape,
Orienting the path of the blackened keels.

And beneath these high clouds, white lyres,
Human eyes for the first time truly saw
The sweet blue of east and sapphires.


Possible changes:

Here blossomed the islands of delight
For those unfortunates navigated south
Enduring violent nature on the Cape –
Sailing their paths on blackedened keels.

And beneath the angel's playground,
Human eyes truly saw for the first time
The sweet blue of the Eastern sapphires
And the balanced mantra of wave upon wave.


This sets the place and some of the mood. Follow with who we will meet? What has happened to them?
And what they are about to do? And...a mystery.


- Judo

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Thank you, Judo.

I really appreciate your comments and will consider them. For now let me just say that there is an historical background for this piece, and the words torment and orienting have a significative role in it.

I'll get back to this. Thank you very much.

Lauren.


PS: What are the odds on you breaking that 1000 barrier tonight, babe? You're so close it's nervewrecking...

 

[WickedEve]

Beautiful poem, Lauren. And I like Judo's suggestions. I like "wave upon wave." It sounds very soft. But I'm not as crazy about angel's playground. If you use angel, maybe you could try, for example:
And beneath the angel pathways.
or
And beneath the angels' pathway.

 

[WickedEve]

PS: What are the odds on you breaking that 1000 barrier tonight, babe? You're so close it's nervewrecking...

She's only seven away. But I bet that slow poke will make us wait another day!

 

[JUDO]

Oh, come on...isn't anticipation half the fun?

"Oh, this feels good...wait, he's crouching lower. Oh my God, he's going to stick it in. Here it comes. I can just feel the heat of it. Oh, oh..."

See?


- Judo

PS - Speakin' of...there's nothing like a "slow poke" is there, WE?

 

[karmadog]

Tell me!

Lauren, I admit to being ignorant, but it hurts. Please tell me what "zaffiro" means.

I hate being an idiot.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Re: Tell me!

Lauren, I admit to being ignorant, but it hurts. Please tell me what "zaffiro" means.

I hate being an idiot.

I'm sorry, I thought it was clear enough. It means sapphire. That's why the last verse is "The sweet blue of east and sapphires" - coming directly from Dante's verse with only a few changes.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Do you guys think I should make a stanza detailing the torments of going through the Cape, or the delights of reaching the otherside, or both, or neither?...

 

[JUDO]

I think you are at the islands of delight. Write a stanza for them.


- Judo

 

[karmadog]

re: zaffiro

It should have been clear. For some reason the translator didn't translate it. Thanks.

BTW, torment us.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Dolce color d'orïental zaffiro
Dante Alighieri
The Divine Comedy (Purgatory I - 13)


Here blossomed the islands of delights
For those who navigated due South,
Endured the Torment of the Cape's mouth,
Orienting their path amidst blackened nights.

Beneath these high clouds, white lyres,
For the first time was shown to the brave
The balanced mantra of wave upon wave
And the sweet blue of East and sapphires.



Just another try. Do I feel a sonnet coming along? Perhaps...

yadda
yadda
yadda
yadda

Here blossomed the islands of delights
For those who navigated due South,
Endured the Torment of the Cape's mouth,
Orienting their path amidst blackened nights.

yadda
yadda
The balanced mantra of wave upon wave

And beneath these high clouds, white lyres,
For the first time was shown to the brave
The sweet blue of east and sapphires.


Warning: With complete disregard for meter at this stage. Ideas anyone?

 

[Lauren Hynde]

What do you think about this, poets? Help me fine tune it, please.


Dolce color d'orïental zaffiro (a sonnet)
Dante Alighieri - The Divine Comedy (Purgatory I-13)


The sky, by opaque shadows suffocated,
Made dreadful on the last ominous night;
Bellowing, as sure men trembled in fright,
The raged sea deadly warped hills created:

Dissolved in hurricanes, the wind sated,
Shrilled the weak spirits, unwilling to fight,
Of those navigating with South in sight
Enduring Torments the Cape inflated.

Oriented their path, survive dawn was their crave:
There bloomed the island that delights inspires,
Lulled by the chanting of wave upon wave.

And rapt underneath these high clouds, white lyres,
For the first time was revealed to the brave
The sweet colour blue of east and sapphires.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Pretty please?

 

[lickmyboot]

what happened to the blossoming islands of dellight? I liked that angle. This newer version has taken on a more ominous tone. Which might be your intention afterall.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

I don't know. I really had this predermination of having "The sweet colour blue of east and sapphires." as my closing stanza. It may not be a good way to do things, but in this particular case I couldn't help it. And I wanted it to mean something. The bliss of seeing for the first time the bluest of skies over the calm Indian Ocean, after crossing the Cape of Torments (later named of Good Hope). That was the moment I was planning to capture. That first instant after they realized they had survived hell and reached paradise.

It's also a lot easier to portrait The Torments than The Islands of Delight. Maybe I will, but do you think it should happen in this same poem? Won't it destroy the strengh (if any) of this moment?

If you really want to I can stop flirting, although I don't see the point. I flirt a lot, but haven't bitten in a while.

 

[WickedEve]

In S3 shouldn't it be either "delight inspires" or "delights inspire."

Since this is one of those dreaded sonnet thingies, I suppose you have to use "lulled by the chanting of wave upon wave" which I like in the stanza that it's in, but I really like "The balanced mantra of wave upon wave" in this stanza:
Beneath these high clouds, white lyres,
For the first time was shown to the brave
The balanced mantra of wave upon wave
And the sweet blue of East and sapphires.

Try not to do what I do: Work a poem to death. I've done that before. You're earlier versions seemed to flow with more ease. The more you change it, the more forced the words are starting to appear. For example: "Oriented their path, survive dawn was their crave:" It sounds as though these words were put together this way to make them work. In my opinion, "was their crave" doesn't sound quite right.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Of course you're right, Eve. I feel that too and the sonnet was never meant to override the previous 2 stanza poem. I liked it, it was more focused and not quite so ominous, like lickmyboot said.

On the other hand I think the whole 3rd stanza of the sonnet is mediocre at best, and cannot force myself to put this down until i fix it. I'll try doing it tonight.

Thank you for the comments.

 

[lickmyboot]

LH-
Never stop!
I see your point about maybe separating the idea into a pair of poems. That way you can fully explore both themes.

You write so beautifully, you make me want to reread the masters!

Curious--who's your favorite poet?

 

[Lauren Hynde]

LH-
Never stop!
I see your point about maybe separating the idea into a pair of poems. That way you can fully explore both themes.

You write so beautifully, you make me want to reread the masters!

Curious--who's your favorite poet?

Thanks. I never really read much poetry before finding this place, so some of my favorite poets are reading this right now (I'll refrain from mentioning names so that their heads won't burst) but I read Dante, Goethe, Byron, not forgetting the Portuguese, Camões, Pessoa,...

But to tell you the truth, some of the best poetry I've read isn't even on poems. Bret Easton Ellis, David Foster Wallace, J.C. Ballard, even writing prose, use words and convey images better and with more delicate sense of style than any poet I've ever read.

 

[lickmyboot]

I know what you mean. My favorite urban fantasy author, Charles De Lint, describes a world I so want to live iin, I devour his books. I'm tricked by the light in thinking his characters are real. At least they are real to me. His work shimmers, like poetry.

Of the classic writers, Dostoyevsky is probably my favorite, but there are too many to name. Herman Hesse, of course Poe, Lovecraft, and Ray Bradbury are true to my heart. Everything Bradbury writes is poetry to me.

Poets I adore, besides the talented folk here *wink*, include Ovid, Shakespear, Lord Byron, Yeats, Eliot and the like. Just rediscovered Anne Sexton--she's achingly brilliant and quite mad. Like Sylvia Plath Lite.

I particularly like puzzling poetry, where I have no clue what's going on, but the wording is so rich...I get lost. Smithpeter is like that for me.

I'll keep an eye out for the authors you mentioned.