doing the right thing...

[zeva]

hi, i'm a newbie here, but i'm in somewhat of a dilemma...

i'm in an online D/s relationship, we've been talking off and on for about four years and it's just recently gotten serious. there have been rules laid down for me to follow as well as phone sessions and the like. my problem is this: He is going through a lot right now, most of it He doesn't express to me, for whatever reason. The past two weeks or so have been very odd, He's barely been online, we've had very little contact, other than the emails that i'm supposed to send Him, when before that for about a month or more we were talking to eachother just about every other day, if not every day. i know He's going through something, but He won't tell me anything. in the email i sent this morning i expressed how that has been making me feel, and i said that He needed to tell me something, say more to me than simply "hi" "not much" "i had a bad day" "gonna go" that's about the extent of what He's said to me. i said that i wouldn't be offended if He needed to cut me loose for a while, until He got his life on track, or if He didn't cut me loose He needed to express something to me, anything, truth or fiction.

i guess my problem is i feel guilty for doing that. it's sort of like an ultimatum, and i'm not sure how i feel about having done that.

the real question here, i suppose, is: did i do the right thing? and what would you do in the same situation? was it completely selfish of me to do that?

 

[shy slave]

zeva

My personal opinion is that you did the right thing.

After four years of on-line He should feel able to talk to you about concerns.

If He is unable (for whatever reason) He needs to be honest about that as well.

Asking Him to either' cut you loose' or 'express something' is not, in my opinion, an ultimatum.

It is an adult trying to understand and help someone who is going through a difficult time.

I am guessing you are the sub in this relationship.
The sub role is to support & care for the D, as well as everything else which is a part of your relationship.

Its not always a one-way street with Him looking out for you.

How can you support Him and work towards understanding His situation if He won't open up to you?

This is not uncommon in any relationship. vanilla or otherwise, but in D/s the relationship can be so intense the sudden drop in communication can be difficult and, at times, frightening.

I don't believe it was selfish, He is having a difficult time and you have offered to either be absent for a while or be there to support Him.

To me that is very unselfish.

I appreciate that your not knowing and imagining the worst case scenario may have been what prompted your words; but why is that wrong?

Everyone needs re-assurance at times, especially when things change so dramatically.

He now knows you will hang in there or go whichever He wishes.
Hopefully His response will enable you deal with the truth as oppose to not knowing and somehow wondering you are to blame.

Hang in there and I hope He at least meets you half way and explains why things are difficult for Him at the moment.

 

[zeva]

shy slave,

thank you so much for your reply, it made me feel a whole lot better. i think i was really just looking for reassurance, since i'm not getting any anywhere else.

i can somewhat understand His reasons for not opening up to me, although it has been four years since we first started talking there have been year-long (or longer) gaps in our speaking. we only started talking again about mid-March, but both of us had thought about the other in the time that we had been apart. He moved and traveled and that was the major reason for our hiatus.
both He and i have a hard time opening up to people, and so that's why i can somewhat understand His reasons, but at the same time...

the point is: thank you.

 

[bustyblondebombshell]

Hey,

I am going through a similar experience myself right now, and find your advice, Shy Slave to be very reassuring. I would be interested in any other comments that people have............

What do you do when you just seem to be pushed aside for what appears to be no reason, especially when you seem to draw blanks when trying to enquire as to why you are being ignored.

Just a thought..........

BBB x.

 

[Mr Blonde]

Yes, you did the right thing.

Maybe he will get back in touch with you when he is bored and doesn't have other options? The best part of relationships maintained through the internet is how flexible they are to the less-needy participant.

 

[zeva]

Maybe he will get back in touch with you when he is bored and doesn't have other options?

well, that's (sort of) the hope, but instead of "when he is bored and doesn't have other options" more like when He has His life back in order and/or when He can open up to me and let me help Him.

again: that's the hope, at lest.

 

[Mr Blonde]

Right, but this is BDSM and you are asking about your Dom.

What I am trying to tell you is that either (a) this guy does not value you or (b) he has a completely different understanding of the relationship.

A Dom does not just ignore his sub. His communication might not be perfect, his level of attention might fluctuate, he will make mistakes...but he just doesn't disappear.

A real Dom who actually thinks of you as his submissive would not act this way.

 

[zeva]

You're right, of course, Mr Blonde, but i would rather not have to face that truth, even though i know i should. i have a feeling that it's either b or a mixture of both. although He is the one who has mentioned long-term ideas, as well as collaring me (which has not happened as of yet). it seems we are sort of in limbo land, or at least i am.

although, we are both fairly young, (18 and 22) and i don't think that He has had much owning experience, if any... wouldn't that make at least some difference?

this is me, grasping at straws...

 

[s'lara]

You're right, of course, Mr Blonde, but i would rather not have to face that truth, even though i know i should. i have a feeling that it's either b or a mixture of both. although He is the one who has mentioned long-term ideas, as well as collaring me (which has not happened as of yet). it seems we are sort of in limbo land, or at least i am.

although, we are both fairly young, (18 and 22) and i don't think that He has had much owning experience, if any... wouldn't that make at least some difference?

this is me, grasping at straws...

Sorry to hear your dilemma zeva. You're the 18 year old in the situation?

lara

 

[zeva]

Sorry to hear your dilemma zeva. You're the 18 year old in the situation?

lara

i am, indeed, although i've been interested and reading about BDSM and D/s and M/s relationships for over four years now. (i was an early bloomer )

i've actually had a few online D/s relationships before this one, although none quite as serious in my own mind.

 

[s'lara]

i am, indeed, although i've been interested and reading about BDSM and D/s and M/s relationships for over four years now. (i was an early bloomer )

i've actually had a few online D/s relationships before this one, although none quite as serious in my own mind.

You registered with this board when you were fifteen? Also, you were engaging in D/s activities when you were 14? i must admit that has me taken aback some. If you have been in a relationship with your Sir for the last four years (on and off) and had a few online relationships before the current one, that would mean you were involved in online D/s activities prior to reaching the age of 14?

Sorry, i guess i am having a hard time wrapping my mind around the numbers.

lara

 

[SubmissiveDove5]

I just wanted to say that I totally understand how you are feeling. I am in an online/telephone d/s relationship, and I have a lot of the same insecurities. My Dom lives three thousand miles away from me, so it is indeed a long-distance relationship. We do hope to get together soon, but neither of us know exactly when that will be. I guess my situation isn't quite the same because I know why he's ignoring me, or at least I think I know. He has told me that he works ten hours a day, and then goes straight to school. When he finally gets home, it's late and he just wants to go to bed. I totally understand this, and I support him, but sometimes I wonder if he's telling me everything. Then sometimes I just take him for his word.

I know it's not quite the same, but I thought I would let you know that you're not alone.

SD

 

[zeva]

You registered with this board when you were fifteen? Also, you were engaging in D/s activities when you were 14? i must admit that has me taken aback some. If you have been in a relationship with your Sir for the last four years (on and off) and had a few online relationships before the current one, that would mean you were involved in online D/s activities prior to reaching the age of 14?

Sorry, i guess i am having a hard time wrapping my mind around the numbers.

lara

actually, the account was not mine to begin with, but a friend of mine made it for me before handing it over. i was sixteen when i first used the account, but it was for literotica, not for the message board, i only started posting here yesterday, and this account had gone unused for a long time.

i was not engaging in D/s activities when i was 14, i was, however, talking about and exploring BDSM and D/s when i was 14. the current relationship i'm in has only started being a serious relationship recently, we have, however, been aquainted for four years, but we haven't had the Dom/sub dynamic for four years.
i have not been involved in any r/l D/s because of my age (well, very little before somewhat recently), and i have spent this time trying to understand the impulses that i have had, reading and talking to like minded people online. although i would often tell people i was older than i was at that time, and a lot of the time people thought i was older than the age i told them because of the questions or answers or conversations that we would have.

i'm not saying i know everything, and, in fact, i am quite aware that i don't, i have had the past four, actually six, years to develop and discover my sexuality, like i said, i was an early bloomer. i started reading romance novels in 6th grade, and from there i moved on to other things. that isn't to say that i had sex when i was 12, because i didn't, but i started discovering my sexuality, reading, talking to people, etc. it seems odd to me now, but at that time it seemed the most natural thing in the world. i have chosen not to get involved in any deep relationships because i have chosen to, instead, figure myself out before trying to be with someone else.

age is a relative term. someone who is thirty can be a lot more naive than someone who is fifteen, but i've had a lot of time to think about and discover a lot of things about myself that a lot of people my age have no idea about.

i'm not sure how much of this makes sense, but i think i'm saying what i mean to.

 

[zeva]

I just wanted to say that I totally understand how you are feeling. I am in an online/telephone d/s relationship, and I have a lot of the same insecurities. My Dom lives three thousand miles away from me, so it is indeed a long-distance relationship. We do hope to get together soon, but neither of us know exactly when that will be. I guess my situation isn't quite the same because I know why he's ignoring me, or at least I think I know. He has told me that he works ten hours a day, and then goes straight to school. When he finally gets home, it's late and he just wants to go to bed. I totally understand this, and I support him, but sometimes I wonder if he's telling me everything. Then sometimes I just take him for his word.

I know it's not quite the same, but I thought I would let you know that you're not alone.

SD

thank you.

 

[zeva]

although now i just wish that i hadn't mentioned my age, because it's not really that important, and i've delt with ageism for too long.

age doesn't define who we are.

 

[s'lara]

actually, the account was not mine to begin with, but a friend of mine made it for me before handing it over. i was sixteen when i first used the account, but it was for literotica, not for the message board, i only started posting here yesterday, and this account had gone unused for a long time.

i was not engaging in D/s activities when i was 14, i was, however, talking and exploring BDSM and D/s when i was 14. the current relationship i'm in has only started being a serious relationship recently, we have, however, been aquainted for four years, but we haven't Dom/sub for four years.
i have not been involved in any r/l D/s because of my age (well, very little before somewhat recently), and i have spent this time trying to understand the impulses that i have had, reading and talking to like minded people online. although i would often tell people i was older than i was at that time, and a lot of the time people thought i was older than the age i told them because of the questions or answers or conversations that we would have.

i'm not saying i know everything, and, in fact, i am quite aware that i don't, i have had the past four, actually six, years to develop and discover my sexuality, like i said, i was an early bloomer. i started reading romance novels in 6th grade, and from there i moved on to other things. that isn't to say that i had sex when i was 12, because i didn't, but i started discovering my sexuality, reading, talking to people, etc. it seems odd to me now, but at that time it seemed the most natural thing in the world. i have chosen not to get involved in any deep relationships because i have chosen to, instead, figure myself out before trying to be with someone else.

age is a relative term. someone who is thirty can be a lot more naive than someone who is fifteen, but i've had a lot of time to think about and discover a lot of things about myself that a lot of people my age have no idea about.

i'm not sure how much of this makes sense, but i think i'm saying what i mean to.

Thanks for the explanation zeva. You were very clear.

i haven't offered an opinion in regard to whether you are too young to do anything. i had a hard time with the numbers because they differed from my own experience and i admitted my surprise. As to your experiences, we all take our own path and while mine may have differed from yours, that doesn't mean my timeline of sexual progression (or yours) is superior.

Let me answer your original question and i do apologize for the tangent.

i think your direct approach was only one of two choices you had in this situation. The other choice was to suffer silently until you began to resent his treatment of you. i don't know the nature of your relationship beyond what you've posted, but it does seem that you are about due for a reconnection or a release from your obligations to him. However it does turn out for you, a small measure of comfort can be derived from the fact that you approached him in a calm fashion, presented him with your feelings and offered him an option if he felt conflicted. Good luck to you.

 

[s'lara]

although now i just wish that i hadn't mentioned my age, because it's not really that important, and i've delt with ageism for too long.

age doesn't define who we are.

As you can see from my post previous to this one, i offered my thoughts on your situation and explained my reaction to your posts. To be honest, my reaction regarding your age was directly related to the board rules on minors reading or participating at Lit. i won't assume that you called me an ageist although i could only deduce from these postings that you did indeed mean me. i am certainly entitled to my surprise and comparison regarding your activties to date and don't place you in a particular category due to your age. i haven't told you that you were too young to comprehend the mechanics of D/s nor have deigned to label you by your age, although i do admit to being concerned that you were registered with the board as a minor.

lara

 

[zeva]

Thanks for the explanation zeva. You were very clear.

i haven't offered an opinion in regard to whether you are too young to do anything.

that's very true, and i believe that i should apologise for implying that you were responding negatively to my age. i'm just so used to it by now just simple questions often seem like attacks, plus i'm a bit frazzled by this situation already.

i think your direct approach was only one of two choices you had in this situation. The other choice was to suffer silently until you began to resent his treatment of you. i don't know the nature of your relationship beyond what you've posted, but it does seem that you are about due for a reconnection or a release from your obligations to him. However it does turn out for you, a small measure of comfort can be derived from the fact that you approached him in a calm fashion, presented him with your feelings and offered him an option if he felt conflicted. Good luck to you.

Thank you very much for this response.

...

(this came through before i had the chance to post the previous, so i figured i'd add it to this one)

As you can see from my post previous to this one, i offered my thoughts on your situation and explained my reaction to your posts. To be honest, my reaction regarding your age was directly related to the board rules on minors reading or participating at Lit. i won't assume that you called me an ageist although i could only deduce from these postings that you did indeed mean me. i am certainly entitled to my surprise and comparison regarding your activties to date and don't place you in a particular category due to your age. i haven't told you that you were too young to comprehend the mechanics of D/s nor have deigned to label you by your age, although i do admit to being concerned that you were registered with the board as a minor.

lara

again, i will apologise. the ageism comment wasn't directed at you, but rather directed in frustration to the world in general. it was inappropriate of me to say, really, and i was about to delete it when you replied to it. it came from voulnerable me trying to defend myself and attack instead of thinking clearly.
i don't quite remember the original meaning for this account, but it was not to post on the message board, like i said i only started posting yesterday, and for a reason.
you're defenately entitled to your suprise, and i am sorry that i responded that way. my emotions are sort of out of wack.

 

[s'lara]

that's very true, and i believe that i should apologise for implying that you were responding negatively to my age. i'm just so used to it by now just simple questions often seem like attacks, plus i'm a bit frazzled by this situation already.



Thank you very much for this response.

...

(this came through before i had the chance to post the previous, so i figured i'd add it to this one)



again, i will apologise. the ageism comment wasn't directed at you, but rather directed in frustration to the world in general. it was inappropriate of me to say, really, and i was about to delete it when you replied to it. it came from voulnerable me trying to defend myself and attack instead of thinking clearly.
i don't quite remember the original meaning for this account, but it was not to post on the message board, like i said i only started posting yesterday, and for a reason.
you're defenately entitled to your suprise, and i am sorry that i responded that way. my emotions are sort of out of wack.

Thanks for the apology and i am sure my questions weren't what you needed right about now. i do hope things work out for the best.

lara