Does this have potential?

[KinkyKati]

I have a big thing for kidnapping scenarios, and was randomly inspired to write one of my own today based on a mixture of my own play experiences and fantasies. I was never very good at "creative writing" though, and am more of an essay-style writer in general, but I thought I'd give it a shot anyways.

Do I have what it takes? Or is this going to end up being some craptastic waste of my time?

Here's what I have so far:

She thought nothing of the man who followed her that afternoon; in fact, she didn't notice him at all. She was too preoccupied thinking about all the errands she had to get done before the end of the day. “Why must I always procrastinate??” she asked herself, glancing worriedly at the clock on her cell phone. She had to run to the bank, the grocery market, get a new pair of pants for work, ahh! She willed herself to move faster.

He noticed her distress and was glad of it, because it made it so much easier to follow her undetected. He knew he would only get one chance, so he would have to go about it carefully. Ever since he ran into her earlier at the mall his groin ached wildly. He wanted, no, NEEDED, to have her.. To touch her sweet, soft breasts, or grab her ass cheeks as he pumped himself in and out of her wildly.

Satisfied with her purchases, Katie checked out and headed out to her car. She began unloading the bags into her back seat when it occurred to her that she was missing one. Cursing to herself, she headed back inside to grab the one still sitting on the checkout counter.

Brad watched with interest as all of this unfolded, and once she was out of sight decided that this was his chance. He walked over to her car casually. Had she locked the doors when she ran back in? Nope. With a grin he climbed into the back seat and obscured himself between the bags, getting the bottle of chloroform out of his pocket.

Muttering with irritation, Katie returned to her car and climbed into the drivers seat, tossing the forgotten bag carelessly behind her. She winced as she heard the loud clunk of glass shattering and remembered the new wine glasses she had just gotten. Seriously, could this day get any worse?

With a sigh, Katie turned around in her seat to assess the damage and instead found herself looking into someone's eyes. She jumped and let out a short scream before his hand shot out and covered her mouth with a rag. “Oh god! He's going to kidnap me!” Her mind raced, as she struggled wildly against the hand that held her head firmly to the headrest. “The horn!!” Her hand shot out to slam against it, but he moved so quickly! Or, perhaps she was moving slowly... She felt the drug kick in as her head swam and her struggling became sluggish. “Oh no... please god, no....” She slumped down over to the passenger seat and looked up to see a blurred man grinning at her. Everything went black.

-----------------------------------------

It was dark.

Katie groggily tried to look around, but saw nothing. What was going on? Where was she? Was the man a dream? It must have been, and she's just at home in bed at 3am. But if that was true, then she actually hadn't gone shopping yet... Oh damn it! She was going to have to live that hectic day of errand running all over ag-

Kati screamed as the entire world tossed her an inch into the air and she came crashing back down to a hard, carpeted surface. Or, she tried to scream anyways. Over her mouth was a big piece of tape which held back her yell, and she suddenly grew aware of how cramped and uncomfortable she was. She tried putting out her hands to feel her bizarre surroundings, but found them handcuffed behind her back. A kick of the legs showed them to be bound too.

Another large lurch sent her bouncing up and then roughly back onto the floor. What the bloody hell was going on!?

Well, whoever it was that put her here obviously didn't know her very well, because if they did they would have known how slender her wrists were. Proud of her handcuff-escaping skills, one of her favorite party tricks was having her hands cuffed behind her back so she could wiggle out of them with ease. Who would have thought that it would actually come in handy some day?

Within 30 seconds she had the handcuffs off and reached up to her face to rip off the tape and discovered a blindfold over her eyes. She tore it off and found herself in a small, dim “room” with cracks of light seeping in. Oh shit... She was in a trunk!​

 

[alaskabibear]

Looks good to me

This reads well and looks like a good start to something. I would encourage you to finish it.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

It's the start of a scene from a story. As you said, it's more of an essay than anything else. What you are doing is telling the story. You need to let your characters tell their own story. The way this is being written, they can't.

A character tells it's own story through dialogue. You would be amazed at how much information a character can pass along to the reader in just a few lines of dialogue. But you have a basic problem with this story - dialogue requires interaction between the characters. This story has none.

This is a snippet from the middle of a story, you didn't give us the beginning. In the beginning, you would tell us why is she where ever she is, what errands, Who the hell is "she" - Katie isn't a personality, it's a name, and who the hell is "he".

As it is, the characters are flat, undeveloped and not real. You take the reader directly into the pit without introduction. By doing that you just lost about two-thirds of them. You need to make it real.

I'd also point out, you a tredding on dangerous ground with a Non-Consent piece as your first try. Generally, the readers love the read them and will hate you for writing it. I would put on armour and be prepared to arrows and hate mail. Been there...done that.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Hiya Kinkykati and a warm welcome.

Jenny has pretty well covered all the bases, so I'll come at this from a different direction.

Yes, you do have what it takes - even though your 'essay style' is showing. Go take a look at some of the stuff in Writers' Resources about using dialogue to speed up a story and get the reader involved. It's called 'show don't tell' but it basically means a lot of straight narrative and description is a bit of a yawn and keeps us at arms length from the action.

What you've got is well written but can you tell me why I should give a toss about 'she' or 'he'. You need to flesh out your protag and antag a bit to show us where and why they are in the scene and what they are thinking. The idea of threat or fear is not palpable.

Again, Jenny is right about reader reaction here (often) to non-consent stories. On the other hand, female fantasies about 'being ravished' fill many a female erotic publisher's list. Just remember when you write that you are better aiming for the female readership.

In summary, more dialogue, more plot/character and more emotion.

You have a talent and I'm sure you are going to do well here.

Elle

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

You're right, El. This girl has some potential. She reminds me of Ceriest when she first showed up. There is a lot of help on Lit.

Even crabby as I am, I'm still here to give you a hand Kati. If you want help rewriting this, PM me.

 

[KinkyKati]

Hmm well, I tried writing up a better introduction to Katie. It doesn't have any dialog, which many of you suggested having more of, but I did try to give her a lot more depth.

Katie was a young woman, only a couple years out of her parents nest. She was often clumsy and forgetful; not in a dumb blond sort of way, but rather in a young, carefree manner. Like any other girl, she had her own set of doubts about her attractiveness, but still managed to string along her fair share of guys.

They never lasted, though. After the novelty of a new guy wore off she would always find herself wandering from them in sexual boredom, just to start up a new short-lived relationship. She had no idea why she got so little satisfaction out of sex, and had come to the conclusion that she just wasn't a very sexual person.

Katie loved damsel-in-distress scenarios, though. Even when she was a young girl she would tie up her Barbie dolls and have the evil Ken doll hold them hostage. Her favorite episode from the Aladdin TV series featured Princess Jasmine getting wrapped in magical vines as she slept and then swept off into the darkness of night. And after seeing Star Wars, she often imagined herself as a captured Princess Leia at the mercy of Darth Vader. The stories always intrigued her greatly, and she would wish that she could be the poor, helpless princess. But that was fantasy, and nothing like that would ever actually happen in the real world.​

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Let me think about this, Katie. I'll pm you in a bit.

 

[mjl2010]

Welcome to Lit Kati,

I'd like to point out that if Jenny is offering advice without biting your head off, you probably do have what it takes. Never mind her avatar and grouchiness, she's got a heart of gold buried somewhere in there. I think. She did help me a lot when I first came here. Thanks again Jenny

I think your story does have potential either as a non-consent story or as an action story with a heroine and a villain. I see things in your writing that tell me you have the makings of a writer, although I'm no expert by any means.

I'd like to suggest this. Aim to make this story about 3500 words. Start out by telling us about the heroine and the villain. Give us a paragraph or two about her and then one or two about him. What makes him a villain. What makes her his victim. Then describe how he "discovered her" and why he wanted her.

Now you move into the capture. Her struggles, her assault or escape. His capture by the cops or even her. Conclude the story with how the experience changed her and how he ended up regretting or celebrating his decision to take her.

This is just a example of how to plan out a story. Not every story needs a plan, but its a good exercise in laying it out and then writing something that takes you to a finished story people will enjoy reading.

Good luck

 

[cloudy]

Start out by telling us about the heroine and the villain. Give us a paragraph or two about her and then one or two about him. What makes him a villain. What makes her his victim. Then describe how he "discovered her" and why he wanted her.

Now you move into the capture. Her struggles, her assault or escape. His capture by the cops or even her. Conclude the story with how the experience changed her and how he ended up regretting or celebrating his decision to take her.

I disagree.

I think that may work in novel-length works, but for a short story, you'll probably earn a lot of back-clicks by putting all that exposition at the beginning. It's something that a lot of beginning writers do, but it also can get boring really, really quickly. I think in works that are typical short story length, a writer will do better by working any necessary background info into the rest of the story, and start by dropping us right into the middle of the action.

There's a thread in the AH going on about this right now, for anyone who's interested. It's called something like "Grab 'em by the balls."

 

[MarshAlien]

As far as I'm concerned, anyone who uses the word "craptastic" has a future here. The problem with your first draft, to me, is that you really don't have a point of view: Katie/Brad/Katie/Brad. Start with one of them and tell the story from his/her perspective. I like the summary of Katie, but I don't think it belongs at the beginning of the story, all by itself. You need to start with something that hooks the reader a little more before you get into Katie, like having her look at an issue of "True Crime" while she's in the supermarket, and getting all flustered from seeing the picture of the woman tied up on the cover. Then, when you get to the actual kidnapping, we'll undertand Katie's ambiguity a little more.

Also, and this is just me, the only time I gave one of my fictional characters my own name, the story sucked, because I wasn't writing fiction any more. You need to give yourself room to create.

Good start.

 

[sr71plt]

I disagree.

I think that may work in novel-length works, but for a short story, you'll probably earn a lot of back-clicks by putting all that exposition at the beginning. It's something that a lot of beginning writers do, but it also can get boring really, really quickly. I think in works that are typical short story length, a writer will do better by working any necessary background info into the rest of the story, and start by dropping us right into the middle of the action.

There's a thread in the AH going on about this right now, for anyone who's interested. It's called something like "Grab 'em by the balls."

I agree with this. For a short piece, drop them in the middle of the action (and for erotica, give them something to salivate over early) and work whatever background you absolutely need in as you spin from there.

 

[mjl2010]

I disagree.

I think that may work in novel-length works, but for a short story, you'll probably earn a lot of back-clicks by putting all that exposition at the beginning. It's something that a lot of beginning writers do, but it also can get boring really, really quickly. I think in works that are typical short story length, a writer will do better by working any necessary background info into the rest of the story, and start by dropping us right into the middle of the action.

There's a thread in the AH going on about this right now, for anyone who's interested. It's called something like "Grab 'em by the balls."

I suppose some might find it boring. Really I don't think three or four paragraphs that make us care a little about the characters is too much. What made him decide to stalk and capture her, that would add another paragraph or two. I'm talking about maybe three to six paragraphs to preface what she has already, not a whole chapter.

I will agree on one point. She could work that stuff into the story. But in either case, she should do it. Just that starting out, it might be easier for her to frame it for herself by doing it in paragraphs at the beginning.

I guess a big question is, does she want to write a story about something that happened, or some non-consent sex that happened?

My main point was, it can help to form a plan for a story idea. I only gave one example of how that could be done.

MJL