Does this comedy work here?

[king_wesley]

Okay, first I promise not to start a thread everytime I get a story posted (honest I do) but this is one that I am really interested on the opinion of y'all about.

I wrote a comedy story a few months back for a Mind control story forum and archive and it went down very well, the vast majority of people found it funny and said so (even if the style and quality of writing falls short).

However when I posted it to another general adult story site (which has voting) it was classed as one of my worst pieces there. So from one site to another I went from producing one of my most popular pieces (because it was funny) to one of my least popular (because it wasn't I am assuming).

So I just wander how it will fair here. Is it in the ultimate niche of comedy just for fans of Mind control and body expansion and the like, or have I just been lucky/unlucky with one set of readers?

Let me know, here it is:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=294390

Thanks in advance for your time.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

You had a good idea for a plot here. The characters are believable and the dialogue works.

You could have used an editor for this story. You pacing is off a bit in the beginning. You use the word "slut" in various forms way too often in the opening segment.

There are some good and bad elements of this paragraph:

Bob was had just finished fucking Suzie's tight little ass when Mindy the head cheerleader burst in. Her 66DD boobs were bursting out of her tight cheerleading top and her miniskirt barely covered her hot little tight ass. Bob came into the slutty Suzie's asshole before zipping himself up and turning to Mindy.

The good points are the overstated discriptions: 66DD boobs bustring out of her tight cheerleading top (how could they help it). However the size goes a bit too far, as does the 36" cock. You are stretching the imagination too far. 44DD's and a 12" cock would have worked better from a humor standpoint.

But this segment is supposed to be the worst comedy every written so rather than change it, I would have changed the lead in to the story to make it stronger to pound it into the reader's head that this was supposed to be bad. A lot of readers skim at the beginning so you have to do that, especially in comedy.

The next segment I would have done differently, but that's just me. You wrote:

Jerry's cock was now in full charge of his thoughts and actions. He sent the latest mail off expecting a quick reply and hoping that this mystery hottie was typing from just around the block. It did not even enter his mind that she could have been old, ugly or even a 57 year old, overweight accounts manager with a sweat problem and a dodgy comb-over.

In comedy, that's exactly what what Mindy would have been like, but that's not where your story line was going.

From this point on, you lost the comedy and the story changed to become something in the fantasy, maybe witchcraft, kind of story.

I'm sorry, at this turn you lost me. Although that may not me true for every reader. I'm a product of the old vaudville, baggy-pants comics of an earlier era. Silly as they were, they knew their craft and the skits were always pointed without the twists and turns.

I'm left to ask: Is this story about a really bad writer who couldn't get laid in a whorehouse? Or is it about some guy who is demonized and transgendered by a witch? It seems to me you have two separate stories going here and I have trouble reconcilling in my mind.

Humor/Parody is the hardest catagory to write and have it come out well. You had a really good start on two possible stories here. I would like to see you split them up and develop both of them. I think they would both make great stories.

But not bad for a first try at humor.

 

[king_wesley]

Thanks for taking the time to read.

Firstly you do hit one of my main worries which is whether readers realise the story written by Jerry is meant to be terrrible. My main problems with this being

a) Making it clear this is Jerry's story and not Wesley's story.

b) How to write a terrible story which isn't horrible to read.

c) Can I write well enough for this to not turn into an exercise in irony of a bad writer making fun of bad writers.

With regards to a, as you say I possibly lose quite a few people as they think it's still the real me writing and maybe more should have been done to make this not the case. (I think I also maybe fell into the trap of because some of the people I know who will read it are aware that's not how bad I am, I forget about the 6 billion or so people to whom I am just another name on the update list.)

For b, well my tactics were impossible sizes (which on mcstory sites is a very common complaint (I have read one story where a woman's brests grow to be measured in feet), throwing away the thesaurus (hence slut being the only word Jerry knows.).

for c, maybe I can just about get away with it but only just and probably not at all when read by other (and better) authors.


I can see what you are saying about the story changing directions at the turn. My defence would be that with a background in mind control fiction, a lot of influences and ideas are based in fantasy, so here the mc factor was Mindy being much more than she seemed which I tried to use to show how ridiculous some story based measurements would be in real life.

However I can also see your point and also agree that if my head wasn't full of this notion that everything I write has to fit into the mc fantasy genre then I could go down some more real scenarios and focus more on the humour side of things without treating the fantasy kink as a backup catch for readers.

It has only recently struck me, that i can maybe let a story take the path it s going down as oppose to force it through an avenue I where it doesn't belong just to make me feel safe.

Reading through what you posted I can see how I can take this start of this story down a more suitable route and may well try it (although maybe using a similar premise as opposed to this exact one) and see how things go.


It's 2am here right now, so I am posting this whilst very tired and I am hoping this reads as appreciative as I am of your comments. Thankyou again for taking the time to give it a look.

Wesley.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

You didn't have a bad start, Westly. But in humor, you have to pick one type of humor (Parody, exageration, humorous situation, etc.) and stick with it. Since this is your first shot, It's a forgivable sin

Humor is the hardest cat to write. worse, you get fewer readers and getting a good vote-score is very hard. But stick with it. With just a few pointers, you'll do well.