Does my story read as "bad sex"?

[JPGmvny]

I received a long comment on Part 1 of "Very Rich and Very Famous," a story in Romance. It is in no way malicious. It includes:

It is a relatively bland set up for a sweet story. The ideas are good but the delivery is weak. I haven't read your lesbian sex but your straight sex is weak. In fact it reads as bad sex. That said passionate intensity can be achieved even without explicit sex and it wasn't. Your characters are sweet, if underdeveloped. A good outline.

"Bad sex" is not something I aspire to. It's a four-pager and has two sex-scenes, the first on page 2. (The story they contrast it to is "Grant & Irina."]

So any comments would be appreciated. If my writing needs improving, the more I know the better.

 

[Bramblethorn]

I'm not sure whether your commenter means "bad sex" as in "badly written" or as in "that doesn't sound like fun".

I will say that I did find this scene from Rich & Famous weak, though I don't know if it's for the same reasons as your commenter...

It was there—on the floor in the great room with its windows overlooking the Atlantic—that they first made love. She assured him that she was on the pill when he was atop her. She'd started it in the kitchen, kissing his neck as he caramelized onions. She reached around him and felt how hard he was through the apron. He turned the burner off and turned to kiss her. With a passion he'd never known.

Soon the apron was off and pretty much everything else was off, except for underwear, and she teasingly dragged him out to the rug that ran between the sofas. She lay down and took off her bra and then her panties and beckoned him with a finger. He, quickly rid of his briefs and displaying rock hardness, placed himself on her. She directed him into her and too too quickly he burst and filled her. She'd not come. After he recovered he bent down to eat her, tasting bits of himself as he did. Given where he tasted, he found it pleasant; it had been in her. His tongue ran up and down her. He was going on instinct, never tasting a woman before. The two had only used their hands on each other till then. This was so much different and so much better.

When he felt her pulsing and responding to him, it was perhaps the happiest moment of his life. That he could make this woman respond that way. Her body was responding to him. They repeated it, usually when she stayed over at his apartment.

(gonna leave that quote intact for convenience in case other authors want to chime in)

These things are very subjective, but some reasons why this scene didn't do much for me:

It doesn't have a lot of build-up. Peter meets Fran and she has a wonderful smile that "pulled everything about her together". She starts visiting, and things "develop" (no detail on how). They are "comfortable with one another".

And then suddenly they're making love and he's on top of her and they're talking birth control.

Sex scenes usually have more impact when there's tension to them - are these people going to fuck, and what brings them to that point? - and for me, this didn't really build that tension. Not only am I not very invested in whether they're going to have sex, but it's not very clear whether either of them is invested in it. "Comfortable with another" doesn't really signal a feeling of as-yet-unfulfilled desire.

For this reason, the "with a passion he'd never known" falls flat. This is a case where "show, don't tell" would help - it would really help to show a bit more about Peter's interest in Fran leading up to this moment. (Or if he wasn't previously interested, and is surprised by his own sudden passion, explore that a bit more - that can also be an interesting story choice.)

After that, yeah, the sex sounds like it was over pretty fast. That may well be realistic for him, but it's probably not the sexiest scenario for her. If it's intended to be read as unsatisfying sex for her, that could be made a little clearer; if it's not, then it needs to be sold better than just eventually "she pulsed and responded to him".

"He was going on instinct, never tasting a woman before. The two had only used their hands on each other till then." - this second sentence confused me. At first I thought it meant they'd been giving one another manual sex on previous occasions, but this is their first time? I think what you meant is that up till now during this particular sex scene, they'd only been using their hands - but there hasn't been much of that either, other than one mention of her grabbing him through the apron, and they've definitely been using other parts!

And then it ends as abruptly as it started: one moment she's "pulsing and responding", the next it's "and afterwards they repeated it". A sexual moment doesn't usually stop the moment both people have come, and if it does then that's significant in itself.

I gotta go work now, but maybe other authors will have some thoughts for you.

 

[gordo12]

I received a long comment on Part 1 of "Very Rich and Very Famous," a story in Romance. It is in no way malicious. It includes:


"Bad sex" is not something I aspire to. It's a four-pager and has two sex-scenes, the first on page 2. (The story they contrast it to is "Grant & Irina."]

So any comments would be appreciated. If my writing needs improving, the more I know the better.

I read the one on page 2. It certainly doesn't fall into the memorable range.

"He, quickly rid of his briefs and displaying rock hardness, placed himself on her. She directed him into her and too too quickly he burst and filled her. She'd not come"

That did nothing for me as far as eroticism goes. Go read some of Chloe's sex scenes in her stories. Careful you don't scorch your fingers turning the pages.

 

[JPGmvny]

I read the one on page 2. It certainly doesn't fall into the memorable range.

"He, quickly rid of his briefs and displaying rock hardness, placed himself on her. She directed him into her and too too quickly he burst and filled her. She'd not come"

That did nothing for me as far as eroticism goes. Go read some of Chloe's sex scenes in her stories. Careful you don't scorch your fingers turning the pages.

I respect you both and appreciate the insights. The set-up and the actual sex do seem rather lacking. Which is why I asked.

I'm redoing the scene with a fair amount of detail. As well as the build-up. It really was quite horrible.

 

[LesDesirable]

As I read, the entire story is very passive and so much of it is just text to fill up paragraphs. Back story on minor characters, all told, not shown. Back story on main characters, sprinkled out through the story but still just a simple telling of things from a narrative view. Details for the sake of having details - but little attempt to weave them into the story in any meaningful manner.

Again and again you used the "one month later, two months later," and so on to frame the time rather than letting the story unfold through the characters actions.

Overall, it is entirely a telling of some events in the lives of several people, without me caring about any of them, or quite knowing why I was reading the story other than to write this review. I felt about zero, I did not connect with any character, I did not feel any great emotion, and I just felt as if I were reading words written for the sake of words.

The sex itself was of little import to the story, other than generating several paragraphs about pregnancy and babies. Good, Bad, Boring, hot - by that time in the story I was just glossing over it, having become tired by the writing style.

Sorry. The comment I found closest to my experience was the one "
left me a bit cold".

 

[JPGmvny]

I have submitted an edited version of the story. It involves completely re-doing the initial sex scene and some alterations to try to, as Bramblethorn suggested, create a tension and anticipation between the characters.

As to the more general comments about the overall tenor and quality of the work, I'm afraid there's not much I can do about it except try to tighten it up on the margins. Which I've tried to do.

 

[JPGmvny]

I have submitted an edited version of the story. It involves completely re-doing the initial sex scene and some alterations to try to, as Bramblethorn suggested, create a tension and anticipation between the characters.

As to the more general comments about the overall tenor and quality of the work, I'm afraid there's not much I can do about it except try to tighten it up on the margins. Which I've tried to do.

UPDATE, Jan. 1: The revised version is up. It expands the initial sex scene, and moves it to Manhattan, and tries to have more of a build-up between Peter and Fran. It is not, however, a major re-write. As always, any comments are appreciated.

 

[gordo12]

UPDATE, Jan. 1: The revised version is up. It expands the initial sex scene, and moves it to Manhattan, and tries to have more of a build-up between Peter and Fran. It is not, however, a major re-write. As always, any comments are appreciated.

Only read the sex scene on page two. That was much better.

 

[Bramblethorn]

UPDATE, Jan. 1: The revised version is up. It expands the initial sex scene, and moves it to Manhattan, and tries to have more of a build-up between Peter and Fran. It is not, however, a major re-write. As always, any comments are appreciated.

Yeah, I only had time to skim through quickly, but that read a lot stronger to me than the previous version.