Do you think it's more difficult for BDSMers to find partner that meets

[WriterDom]

all of their needs?

In a nilla relationship the focus in the beginning is on the relationship. At some point it progresses to sex, but I don't know of many that end at that point because of bad sex. If you like the person and find them attractive you can work on the sexual side. Not that I've ever had BAD nilla sex, it's all good to me.

But with bdsm, we have the same nilla issues but then you throw in bdsm compatibility. Some like Artful, are lucky, but there is a lot more complaining here than success stories it seems.

 

[MissTaken]

Yes.

However, I am not sure if it is that my needs are greater, they are only different.

My involvement in BDSM has taught me how to find a suitable partner, how to communicate my needs and that my needs are important. Whether it be BDSM or not, finding a partner seems more difficult than before my "journey", "awakening", or whatever. I am more particular and less likely to engage in a relationship with someone who "will be fine, if only....."

In the end, the dividends will pay off. Knowing what you want and need before looking for it is instrumental. Even though the search seems arduous, at times, in the end, I expect happiness.

Happiness, for perhaps the first time in my life.

Cool outlook?
Or naive?

*shrugs shoulders*

 

[WillowPuss]

I am not sure it would be harder to find an 'ideal' partner or not.

I feel that for a successful relationship of any kind then ther has to be open and honest communication from both parties. How many relationships break down ('nailla and BDSM) because communication has broken down some time beforehand.

With good communication come understanding of needs/wants and dreams.
Without good communication come disappointment, heartache and dissatifaction.

 

[MsWorthy]

I don't think we can find anyone who meets all of our needs, nilla or bdsmer. But, when you throw bdsm needs into the mix, it becomes that much more difficult.

This is why (do I say this often enough... sheesh at myself) it is so important to know what it is that you need, want, and will not tolerate. The things we need must be fulfilled if we are to be happy, the things we want are great (icing) but we do not have to have them in order to be happy, and the things we will not tolerate must not be characteristics of the person we choose to bond with. Accepting less will lead to unhappiness.

I had a friend who would come to me for advice each time she began a new bdsm relationship. She was constantly confused about how to deal with her submissive partner. "Is her behavior ok?" "Should I let her get away with that?" She would be hard and inflexible one moment only to change her mind when her partner decided to leave. I couldn't get her to see that - because she was not clear (even to herself) about what she needed, what she was willing to bend on, and what she would not put up - she was creating the problems/chaos herself.

It is time consuming to introspect and self-analyze, but it is time well spent. If we know ourselves, we have a base to operate from when problems arise - and they will come up, no matter what type of relationship you have. Be prepared for them beforehand and you will have won half the battle.

 

[Persephone36]

I'm not sure where this fits into my sexual life yet (bdsm) so...for me it's still an exploration starting point.

*However* I will say that I stopped awhile back starting my relationships with the coy game of when will sex come into the picture. Lately, I've begun relationships from a personal exchange of information that included sexual proclivity. Lol, I think my analyst would say that's not exactly the way perhaps to get eventually what I'm yearning for...but who knows? There's no one right path -- (I keep having to remind myself.)

I'd say what I'd like in my life is a serious committed relationship where the sex life is just as much an intrinsic daily part of the relationship, and worked on just as hard and equally, as the emotional affection, love, the support we'd give to one another to each fulfill our dreams for ourselves...and figuring out how we pay the bills this month, where we're going on vacation, who's taking the car in for servicing...

But for me, bdsm will stay in the bedroom -- so, in a way it's trying to find someone who can accept an equal power relationship outside the bedroom and negotiate the kinks inside it.

All that -- and he better well love me to pieces.

And having said all that -- I've never found someone who really loved *me* in a 'nilla relationship. So, believing in myself that I'll find the right man where we mesh and the compromises don't detract from our growth as people AND that includes me exploring the boundaries of my sexuality -- yeah -- that's a *tough* one to be all rah-rah about all the time. But in the past, perhaps, I couldn't even find the emotional basics of what I wanted in a 'nilla relationship because I wasn't full-blown ready for all the emotional wear and tear and negotiation of just simply a committed relationship, irrespective of the bedroom activities. Couldn't really trust, deep-down. That would be my guess.

I'm different now. My self-esteem is different now. And my ability to simply be responsible for ME and my own life, without needing anyone else is different now. Even if it's still a work in progress...it's a damn fine one.

In fact, I think that's the necessary beginning to all relationships that positively encourage our ability to love and grow as human beings, to develop true emotional maturity as adults -- a strong sense of self.

Okay, back to the more direct question in the topic....

...Who knows? How does anyone fall in love? How does one fall in lust? How does one find a lover you simply respect and *like*? Is it intrinsically different for someone with more complex demands in the bedroom? Actually, I think not. I think it's all perception. I think if you *believe* it's harder for you to find someone -- then it is. (And that's coming from a single white New Yorker in her late 30's so that's a BIG statement to make -- and one that though I believe I don't always *feel* inside.)

I'd say it's realistically a hell of a lot more demanding to find even a good ol' 'nilla relationship if you're physically disabled or disfigured, or have a serious illness of any nature that you live with day in and day out. Or have a lot of emotional baggage...or have a bundle of kids, a mortgage and are doing it all as a single parent... but that's coming from the outside singleton perspective. Again, I think it's the individual and how they view themselves, their sense of their own worthiness. Their openness to a relationship and their readiness to have one, with all that it entails, that truly makes it harder or not.

Just my two cents.

P.

 

[SexyChele]

I don't think the ideal partner can ever be found. No, I'm not being pessimistic. People - 'nilla or otherwise - are individuals with all their individual quirks. It's what makes them interesting.

To establish a relationship, and granted my experience within BDSM is limited, you need to be accepting of each other, what your limits are, and how much you are willing to make things work. I personally think there are many similarities between 'nilla and BDSM relationships. (Well, relationships that are more than "just play") It may seem pretty basic, but there are some women who absolutely will not give blowjobs. If a man absolutely needs that, then he must rethink his relationship. If he can live without it, or if his partner might "renegotiate", he make stick it out.

I think the same holds true, to some degree, within BDSM. The two involved talk about their limits, what is good, what is bad. Most submissives have an expectation that the Dominant they choose will push some limits, and quite possibly introduce them to new things. But "ideal"? No. Can you come awfully close? Yes. Can you find "one" that can meet all of your major needs and most of your minor ones? Yup, I believe that, too. But I don't think anyone will meet another person's needs all the time.

 

[Persephone36]

I don't think the ideal partner can ever be found. No, I'm not being pessimistic. People - 'nilla or otherwise - are individuals with all their individual quirks. It's what makes them interesting.

But "ideal"? No. Can you come awfully close? Yes. Can you find "one" that can meet all of your major needs and most of your minor ones? Yup, I believe that, too. But I don't think anyone will meet another person's needs all the time.

Really wise and succinct SexyChele. There's something wonderful in that too...because I think when you accept that no one can meet all your needs, emotionally, sexually or otherwise -- then you start to explore how you can meet your own needs. And I think that makes *any* relationship better. Because it just makes you a stronger, well...you.

Beautifully said.

P.

 

[Lancecastor]

I rarely include sex of any kind in my initial assessment of a potential partner/mate/ltr.

I look for friendship, intelligence, humour, creativity, a kind heart and common interests.

Okay....and a cute bum.

And the common interests part includes libido and D/s, but those are secondary, because thirty years down the road if my unit stops poppin, I'd like to think we'll still be laughing, She & I.

Lance

 

[artful]

ATTITUDE

Attitude-What is it? What kinds are they? Character? Personality? WHO is this person I'm thinking about developing an intimate relationship with? How do I search for and IDENTIFY the traits that I want that person to have?

I have to side with,...YES,...It's EASIER to find that person you seek as a BDSM'er TODAY.

Because there are MORE places that have separated from mainstream vanilla, and collected in condensed pockets that are already pre-sorted into specific STYLES.

The vanilla segment of society has developed intricate masks that are expertly used to cover up the REAL person inside, (Generally speaking).

The BDSM segment of society tends to strip away their masks voluntarily, to expose MORE of themself to a selected group,(Generally speaking).

(JMHO) But it's mine,...and I own it.

 

[MissTaken]

There isn't a lot to add

I agree, that no person can meet all of the needs of another. If that were the case, we wouldn't need friends or social groups etc.

We can only hope to find that one person who can meet most of those needs and put up with the rest of the stuff!



Or, for some, poly is an answer, even then, does anyone ever truly feel that all of their needs are met in an intimate relationship?
No matter how many make up the household?

As far as BDSM is concerned, I don't believe our needs are greater, they are simply different.

The sadness is the individual who can't identify their needs and bounces from one failed relationship to another.

 

[SpectreT]

Re: ATTITUDE

Attitude-What is it? What kinds are they? Character? Personality? WHO is this person I'm thinking about developing an intimate relationship with? How do I search for and IDENTIFY the traits that I want that person to have?

I have to side with,...YES,...It's EASIER to find that person you seek as a BDSM'er TODAY.

Because there are MORE places that have separated from mainstream vanilla, and collected in condensed pockets that are already pre-sorted into specific STYLES.

The vanilla segment of society has developed intricate masks that are expertly used to cover up the REAL person inside, (Generally speaking).

The BDSM segment of society tends to strip away their masks voluntarily, to expose MORE of themself to a selected group,(Generally speaking).

(JMHO) But it's mine,...and I own it.

Said it better than me, brother, even if no one is answering my personal ad.....

 

[CarolineOh]

In our relationship, we have accepted that there are certain things I desire that I will get outside of the two of us. I am interested in switching, and Sam is not, so I am exploring that aspect of myself separately, with his blessing, under the guidance of friends we both trust.
I really believe the secret of success lies in having the willingness to trust each other, more than any particular alignment of interests. If you love and trust each other you can work most anything out.

 

[artful]

Co

In our relationship, we have accepted that there are certain things I desire that I will get outside of the two of us. I am interested in switching, and Sam is not, so I am exploring that aspect of myself separately, with his blessing, under the guidance of friends we both trust.
I really believe the secret of success lies in having the willingness to trust each other, more than any particular alignment of interests. If you love and trust each other you can work most anything out.

Dom/mes, subs, 'nillas, switches, are ALL valid roles. As are Sadists, masochists etc.,...but it would appear on the face of it,...*SWITCH* personalities would be the most challenging to be in a LONG TERM relationship with.

I've often wondered what kind of pressures RS has to deal with, in HER LONG TERM committment with MasterMe.

Being pulled in two different directions, (granted there may NOT be a simultaneous splitting of emotions), but STILL,...

It must REALLY play hell in the long run, to have THOSE types of OPPOSITE emotions to deal with on a regular basis.

(anyone care to share some insight?)

 

[Shadowsdream]

I have never found anyone that meets ALL My needs which must be the reason I prefer to have at least 3 subs.

That being said My slave meets MOST of My needs.

I have a sneaky suspicion (yes I am sneaky) that if all of My needs were met I would start thinking up NEW needs...just to keep life interesting.

Relationships in a vanilla context are BELOW the intolerance level for Me as far as sexuality go..beyond the YAWN meter!

 

[Ebonyfire]

All my needs?

I look at things differently.

I have everything I NEED within. I want more, so I look outside of my self.

I can love many people in many different ways, so I am a poly person. I am not particularly monogamous. That becomes an issue in vanilla relationships.

It is not an issue in D/s, cause I call the shots.

I do not look for subs who meet all my needs. I just look for subs who have the need to serve Me. And, I look for the magic (thank you Shadowsdream).

So it all comes down to this for me:

Communication
Time
Patience
Magic


Ebony

 

[artful]

Re: All my needs?

I look at things differently.

I have everything I NEED within. I want more, so I look outside of my self.

I can love many people in many different ways, so I am a poly person. I am not particularly monogamous. That becomes an issue in vanilla relationships.

It is not an issue in D/s, cause I call the shots.

I do not look for subs who meet all my needs. I just look for subs who have the need to serve Me. And, I look for the magic (thank you Shadowsdream).

So it all comes down to this for me:

Communication
Time
Patience
Magic


Ebony

Very well stated Sis !

 

[catalina_francisco]

Interesting bump?

Catalina

 

[TooTiredToLive]

Interesting bump?

Catalina

Yes...

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

I rarely include sex of any kind in my initial assessment of a potential partner/mate/ltr.

I look for friendship, intelligence, humour, creativity, a kind heart and common interests.

Okay....and a cute bum.

And the common interests part includes libido and D/s, but those are secondary, because thirty years down the road if my unit stops poppin, I'd like to think we'll still be laughing, She & I.

Lance

OMG something written by Lance that doesn't include being a total bastard . Don't freak people , he knows I appreciate him.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Interesting bump?

Catalina

Oh yeah, to this day I miss Artful. I really miss him!

 

[catalina_francisco]

Oh yeah, to this day I miss Artful. I really miss him!

It is an indication of his wonderful character he is long remembered so warmly.

Catalina

 

[BiBunny]

Yes, I think it's more difficult because you're fishing in a smaller pond, for one thing. For another, just because there are people who fall under the umbrella category of BDSM doesn't mean that their tastes will be suited to mine. I'm very picky about partners, anyway. Some might even call me a snob.

 

[neonflux]

I am currently looking for a switch woman play partner - not a GF right now, just someone to learn/explore/enjoy play with on a close friendship (nonsexual, at least initially) basis. Even this is proving very difficult, so I would have to say yes, yes, yes!

~ Neon

Then again, it's difficult even without the kink question - it has taken my 36 years (the length of time I've been dating) to find my SO, who I am certain is really "the one."

 

[Evil_Geoff]

... Some might even call me a snob.

Snob... slut... sensation junky... It's all good!

 

[BiBunny]

Snob... slut... sensation junky... It's all good!

I pick numbers two and three please.