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[Vixen-XXX]

Poem as of 11/29/03

To Touch Me

To touch me is a risk you take
Those many nights you lie awake

I feel your hands upon my waist
Perhaps you’d like to take a taste
And lick my pussy dry?

I rub your cock
We shake and rock
Your ooze upon my face

I lick you dry
A whore am I
So what if you’re a guy?

To touch me is a risk you take
Those many nights you lie awake
But touch me twice
And I suffice
Your every dream come true

 

[Vixen-XXX]

I could really use some help on editing this

 

[Rybka]

I can do the simple stuff! "hore" usually starts with a "w".
I have always liked the "twice - suffice" rhyme since R.F. used it in "Fire and Ice"
"and if it had to perish twice
then ice is nice
and would suffice."
Such a perfectly tight way to wrap up a poem.

Regards, Rybka

To Touch Me

To touch me is a risk you take
That many nights you lie awake

I feel your hands upon my waist
Perhaps you’d like to take a taste
And lick my pussy dry

I rub your cock
We shake & rock
Your ooze upon my face

I lick you dry
A hore am I
So what if I am bi

To touch me is a risk you take
That many nights you lie awake
But touch me twice
And I suffice
Your every dream come true

---THE END---

 

[Vixen-XXX]

Thanks for the Correction!!!
Other than that, did you like the poem?

 

[champagne1982]

To Touch Me

To touch me is a risk you take I like the opening here. The one thing I would change would be to say "To touch me, it's. . .". I think the subject change ('touch' rather than 'you') will flow more smoothly into the next line.

I am curious as to what the danger is. You've led me to believe that there's a chance of something untoward happening and you never tell me what risk I've taken. Am I risking rejection, since I have a cock and you've been with only women in my past experience? Perhaps you're diseased? Do I risk impregnating you? I know that these questions are off the wall, but if you would only explain the risk I take when I touch you, I wouldn't need to speculate.

That many nights you lie awake You need the plural of 'that' in this line Those

I feel your hands upon my waist Try adding another syllable here, maybe use more sophistication, "I feel your caress. . ."

Perhaps you’d like to take a taste
And lick my pussy dry You may not want punctuation in this poem, but I think it needs some. Try inserting the question mark ? after you pose them. It helps as the reader recites the poem. This will be fun to read aloud.

I rub your cock
We shake & rock edited to add try to avoid the use of numerals and symbology in your writing. The ampersand is totally wrong here. Change the "&" to and
Your ooze upon my face

I lick you dry
A whore am I
So what if I am bi Remember to punctuate.

If you change the "So what if I am bi?" question to ask: So what if you're a guy? I really think you'll resolve the risk question from the first stanza more clearly.

To touch me is a risk you take Once more, try to focus the attention back to the touch rather than the 'you'. "To touch me, it's a risk you'd take"
That many nights you lie awake Again, pluralize that. Those
But touch me twice But what? Would and be better here?
And I suffice Suffice is a confusing word here. Maybe you could change your phrasing a tad, switching your focus in this statement back to the reader: "But touch me twice, it will suffice. I'll make your dreams come true."
Your every dream come true

---THE END---

Thanks for sharing. Good luck!

 

[Vixen-XXX]

champagne1982 I would like to say thanks! I read the poem after I made some changes & I liked it! PM Me when you have a chance, I have a few things I would like to discuss with you!