Do you hide your sexual needs from your significant other?

[puny_peepee]

Late to the party, as usual, but I thought I'd chime in after reading a few responses.

Hiding my sexual needs? Meh. No so much hiding as buffering. My wife of 30+ years knows a great deal about my preferences but she's not inclined to discuss them. Since our children were born she's not had all that much interest in sex. I'm so very glad we had five+ years to explore before having children.
If she ever got curious or asked, I'd tell her. I'm not one to lie.
Due to her lack of interest I pursue what I can when it suits me. I will not cheat on her with a physical relationship. I have had conversations and even a bit of "play time" but that is as far as I'll go. I write a lot, though I have yet to publish any erotica. Most of that sits in a "drawer." For me, my marriage is worth far more than sexual gratification so I'll continue on as I have been without expecting any radical changes.
For those who have opened up in this thread, I feel for you, both men and women.

 

[ZOEOHZOE]

he knew about my gf when we started dating. his only question was if he could be with her and laughed when I said no

 

[Yarglenurp]

he knew about my gf when we started dating. his only question was if he could be with her and laughed when I said no

Did you ever change your mind?

 

[Mtnmike]

I'm sorry she couldn't handle your wants/needs @Mtnmike

Thank You very kind.

 

[Vitriolhack]

I too have things she doesn't know about myself and I chat with so very freely here.

I a few times tried to bring up subjects subtly but mostly am shut down, sexually she has always been mostly vanilla in most aspects and I stopped bringing them up after a while.

Would I be happier if she was more open and into my other desires many of which she knows nothing of, for sure. But I also love her and I guess it is what it is for me, so here I am on lit sometimes playing out my fantasies if at least in my mind.

The mind is a powerful thing, if it helps you fantasize, good for you!

Thank you for sharing, we are a good bunch here.

 

[Vitriolhack]

he knew about my gf when we started dating. his only question was if he could be with her and laughed when I said no

If I may ask a question, feel free not to answer.

The curious in me would ask, “sweetheart, could I at least see you make love to her?”

Would that be ok?

 

[dodgeboy2]

The mind is a powerful thing, if it helps you fantasize, good for you!

Thank you for sharing, we are a good bunch here.

I agree it is and I have been happy with many I have met here. It's a great help finding this site and finding many helpful compassionate people in similar situations.

 

[Vitriolhack]

I agree it is and I have been happy with many I have met here. It's a great help finding this site and finding many helpful compassionate people in similar situations.

Well, it may not be group therapy, but, kinda feels less lonely when you know others understand you.

 

[dodgeboy2]

Well, it may not be group therapy, but, kinda feels less lonely when you know others understand you.

Yes it is like a group therapy, albeit no a face to face group but a group non the less.

Groups help you feel comfortable and better about your situation and that's what I get here.

Now so of the help may be in aiding in my fantasies and in that way I have found help with that also

 

[THoney269]

Thank You very kind.

Kindness doesn't cost anything,yet improves everyone's day.. simple choice really

 

[Hipshot1554]

I made the mistake of sharing my wants and needs. He tried to provide them and was disgusted by it. Now I try to pretend I don’t need them so he doesn’t look at me differently.

That really sucks, when so many would be tickled pink.

 

[ned63]

I made the mistake of sharing my wants and needs. He tried to provide them and was disgusted by it. Now I try to pretend I don’t need them so he doesn’t look at me differently.

Spicymama, love to share some of your wants an needs together. I have to keep my needs an wants from my wife too. DM me lets chat mmmmm

 

[hrdmngd2find]

Ive shared some of my kinks (i.e. daddy, ddlg, victim/burgular, spanking, choking, breastfeeding, submission) to him. He knows I watch porn and I record myself with dildos.
But
he doesnt know how addicted I am to porn , masturbating and confessing on Lit. He doesnt know my other kinks: Master/slave raceplay, age play, incest, religion, trib/frot, pillow humping etc

I like this list.

 

[AverageGuy86]

So I'm "new" here to LF, and this thread is interesting to me. Married 14 years to a wonderful woman, we have an all-around great marriage.

This response is mainly aimed at the married folks here - I hope it will be helpful.



With respect to the original question - do I hide sexual needs from my spouse? - Somewhat...

It has more to do with censoring what you know and share with them. I do so with my wife, and not just with sexual things too. I think of it like withholding information in confidence - information that would be damaging to the known parties, or to my wife, for having learned it.

Same goes with my "sexual needs." (Although mostly, I don't have a lot that's withheld at this point...) Trying to unload your sexual confessions onto someone who isn't ready for it, is going to be detrimental. Especially if they have past sexual trauma. (Which it seems like more & more people do unfortunately.)



My general advice (for some this is too late already) is to throttle your sexual needs/confessions until the person is more ready for them. Little bits of info, over time.

My wife & I are both pretty conservative really. My needs/desires/fantasies really just involve her & I mainly, so thankfully there's not a very large disparity there. I would like to push the envelope of course, but perhaps in time. Instead of beating those issues to death, I focus instead on increasing the frequency of "approved" sex between us.



I will say that hormone birth control hurts a lot of women's libidos. It's tragically counterproductive, and the issues isn't helped by OBGYN's that like to just push birth control onto women, as they flow through like cattle. Some say it can take 1-3 years for women's hormones to stabilize and their libido restored. Think forward, and ask yourselves if in 1-3 years you'd like to have healthier body chemistry, higher libido, and a better sexual life... Then act on it. I can say that things have improved a lot after ditching birth control.

Kids also complicate all things sex as well. (I know this sounds contradictory after that last paragraph!) It does get better, I promise. Look for ways to work sex into the middle of the day, instead of waiting until the end of the day. (Until it's too late!) Especially on weekends when you're both home - have the quickie!

I could ramble on, but I do hope some of that is helpful.

 

[THoney269]

So I'm "new" here to LF, and this thread is interesting to me. Married 14 years to a wonderful woman, we have an all-around great marriage.

This response is mainly aimed at the married folks here - I hope it will be helpful.



With respect to the original question - do I hide sexual needs from my spouse? - Somewhat...

It has more to do with censoring what you know and share with them. I do so with my wife, and not just with sexual things too. I think of it like withholding information in confidence - information that would be damaging to the known parties, or to my wife, for having learned it.

Same goes with my "sexual needs." (Although mostly, I don't have a lot that's withheld at this point...) Trying to unload your sexual confessions onto someone who isn't ready for it, is going to be detrimental. Especially if they have past sexual trauma. (Which it seems like more & more people do unfortunately.)



My general advice (for some this is too late already) is to throttle your sexual needs/confessions until the person is more ready for them. Little bits of info, over time.

My wife & I are both pretty conservative really. My needs/desires/fantasies really just involve her & I mainly, so thankfully there's not a very large disparity there. I would like to push the envelope of course, but perhaps in time. Instead of beating those issues to death, I focus instead on increasing the frequency of "approved" sex between us.



I will say that hormone birth control hurts a lot of women's libidos. It's tragically counterproductive, and the issues isn't helped by OBGYN's that like to just push birth control onto women, as they flow through like cattle. Some say it can take 1-3 years for women's hormones to stabilize and their libido restored. Think forward, and ask yourselves if in 1-3 years you'd like to have healthier body chemistry, higher libido, and a better sexual life... Then act on it. I can say that things have improved a lot after ditching birth control.

Kids also complicate all things sex as well. (I know this sounds contradictory after that last paragraph!) It does get better, I promise. Look for ways to work sex into the middle of the day, instead of waiting until the end of the day. (Until it's too late!) Especially on weekends when you're both home - have the quickie!

I could ramble on, but I do hope some of that is helpful.

Makes me wish my partner had allowed me to set the pace after he brought up an idea.. Also wish I'd known about the birth control issues whilst still in my late 20s early 30s..

 

[Vitriolhack]

Kindness doesn't cost anything,yet improves everyone's day.. simple choice really

Agreed, a simple smile brightens the day of many.

 

[Vitriolhack]

I made the mistake of sharing my wants and needs. He tried to provide them and was disgusted by it. Now I try to pretend I don’t need them so he doesn’t look at me differently.

Oh my, once the genie is out of the bottle, it’s hard to live in the confines of the glass house.

Be well.

 

[Tweedledude]

I made the mistake of sharing my wants and needs. He tried to provide them and was disgusted by it. Now I try to pretend I don’t need them so he doesn’t look at me differently.

Forty plus years I've lived this. So dam irritating and confusing disappointment leading to long term resentment. The one person you're suppose to be able to share anything with without great of ridiculous or reprisal turns out they are the worst. Life's cruel joke.

 

[Vitriolhack]

Forty plus years I've lived this. So dam irritating and confusing disappointment leading to long term resentment. The one person you're suppose to be able to share anything with without great of ridiculous or reprisal turns out they are the worst. Life's cruel joke.

Wow, that’s a long time. I hope that this little thread helps to ease the feeling of solitude a little bit. You are not alone with the same feelings.

 

[Kraken_96]

Yes, I've hidden it - but in a 'I'm tired of vocalising it for so long' way.

She originally sought the adventure of it all, but found herself tired over time and wanting the thing most pleasurable for her (missionary where she can feel me finish).

We talked a lot about me wanting to experience all within the boundaries of what she's comfortable with, those boundaries just sort of...shrank over time. She made it clear it was not through lack of enjoyment, just efficiency for finishing.

So after a while of trying to talk about wanting to explore it as art, of tease, denial, learning more...I stopped trying and accepted her way for her.

 

[j23in03]

I do. Mainly because she's not as kinky as I am and trust me I'm not too kinky. Another reason being there's only so many times you can watch the same show before turning the tv off seems appealing.

 

[MH2024hot]

Forty plus years I've lived this. So dam irritating and confusing disappointment leading to long term resentment. The one person you're suppose to be able to share anything with without great of ridiculous or reprisal turns out they are the worst. Life's cruel joke.

I'm sorry. You're right about our spouse being the one person to share anything with. I guess I've never really felt that way when it came to sex based on fear of judgment until recently, mainly out of frustration and desperation and greater fear of where I was potentially headed if things didn't change. I was checking out sex clubs in Germany, I liked the idea of watching it done freely and properly but backed out at the last minute which got me doing some deep thinking. I'm still a bit nervous when I introduce new ideas and how far I can go.

 

[Yarglenurp]

Forty plus years I've lived this. So dam irritating and confusing disappointment leading to long term resentment. The one person you're suppose to be able to share anything with without great of ridiculous or reprisal turns out they are the worst. Life's cruel joke.

A lot of these old-school marriages seem pretty awful… so you’re in either your late 50s or 60s, or maybe even 70s… are you actually choosing to die before experiencing what you want to experience from a romantic partner? What would you actually lose?

 

[Exhibit0013]

I do. Mainly because she's not as kinky as I am and trust me I'm not too kinky. Another reason being there's only so many times you can watch the same show before turning the tv off seems appealing.

Same here

 

[Strixaluco]

She originally sought the adventure of it all, but found herself tired over time and wanting the thing most pleasurable for her (missionary where she can feel me finish).

We talked a lot about me wanting to experience all within the boundaries of what she's comfortable with, those boundaries just sort of...shrank over time. She made it clear it was not through lack of enjoyment, just efficiency for finishing.

This sounds sad. At least she doesn't judge. But to be limited by being tired.... I'd guess it feels in other areas of life, too.