do we care what our bdsm partners look like?

[koalakutie]

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[redslady]

There is a separate thread (or two) about body issues. It's one thing to be aware of our own looks, but do we care so much about how our partners look, especially when D/s is involved?

If I'm with a submissive male, I don't care what his body looks like, as long as he's nice and obedient . Of course, he should be well groomed and smell nice! But a few extra or fewer pounds is not going to change my interest in him.

Does appearance (in the areas where it could be considered as "body issues") matter to other people who are into the D/s power exchange?

I would think it would matter just as much in a D/s power exchange as it would in any relationship. We all have our attactors. It really depends on what you are meaning in a D/s power exchange. Are you meaning a play session or a long term relationship?

 

[koalakutie]

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[shy slave]

Hmm... Guess either type of situation? Maybe long term?
If I thought someone was cute/hot, their body type wouldn't matter to me.

If you thought they were cute or hot surely part of that 'hotness' would be due to how they look.

 

[redslady]

If you thought they were cute or hot surely part of that 'hotness' would be due to how they look.[/QUOTE

This is what I was thinking too. A few pounds would be one thing, but what about a deformity? A missing limb, a large tumor? Would that cute/hot feeling be able to see past something like that?

 

[koalakutie]

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[kiwi_submissive]

I used to see a top who had one of his legs amputated from below his knee. He also had huge amounts of scars from being in a car accident.

He had accepted the loss of his leg and his scars and was extremely confident and open about them and to be totally honest I can't say I even really thought about them after the first couple of times. I learnt alot from him in enjoying life, being confident in who I am and well if i have some oddities with my body its not the end of the world.

I also was with someone who had pulled a jug of boiling water over himself when he was a child. He never once let me see him without a top on and I was not allowed to touch his back or chest under his shirt. That relationship ended because I could not get past the fact that he expected me to trust him to do things to me but could not trust me with seeing him without his shirt on and his total refusal to discuss it.

 

[Chiara_searches]

Can the answer be sorta, not really?

I did the online dating thing to start meeting men, as I'm new to the area. If they didn't engage my mind first, then I didn't set up to meet them. Sure, the men usually had pictures on their online profiles, but not always. If their written profile wasn't interesting, or if they couldn't maintain a decent email dialog for a bit, then my mind lost interest. I corresponded with all types of body types and physiques.

Yet, there has to be a bit of some kind of zing for it to work, at least for me. My boyfriend is another ethnicity, nearly exactly my height, and vastly different in appearance than the men I've dated in the past. His physical appearance mattered only a smidge...but when I walked into the place where we met for the first time, there was an initial zing even before I started talking to him. So, yes, sometimes you just have to have that initial physical attraction.

Still, as I concluded on a similar type question thread I started a while back, the physical appearance is never the *only* thing that comes into play. I don't walk around judging men's appearances and now firmly believe there are men that likewise don't judge every woman they see.

(Usual caveat...we aren't really that far into BDSM yet , so take this as part of the "yes, like you would in regular relationships" train of response).

 

[koalakutie]

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[koalakutie]

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[J D Danger]

I used to see a top who had one of his legs amputated from below his knee. He also had huge amounts of scars from being in a car accident.

He had accepted the loss of his leg and his scars and was extremely confident and open about them and to be totally honest I can't say I even really thought about them after the first couple of times. I learnt alot from him in enjoying life, being confident in who I am and well if i have some oddities with my body its not the end of the world.

I also was with someone who had pulled a jug of boiling water over himself when he was a child. He never once let me see him without a top on and I was not allowed to touch his back or chest under his shirt. That relationship ended because I could not get past the fact that he expected me to trust him to do things to me but could not trust me with seeing him without his shirt on and his total refusal to discuss it.

this is going a little off topic..but this post made me think of it and I love to tell this story

not long ago I use to feel that there was no way I could take part in BDSM because I spend a lot of my life in a wheelchair and what sub would kneel before a man that culd not stand over them to take control of them?

well last fall I went on a trip to see some friends of mine...a Master and his girl...the girl is one of my best friends in the world

well early on during my visit....me and my friend...who for as long as I have known he has been a sub..but has never been mine..got in disagreement and she started to pout...now almost any sub that knows me online knows..that pouting will lead to some sort of punishment...but I had never even thought about enforcing the rule in real life... until I saw this girl pout....when she did..without even thinking I pulled her down and over my knee..now I have thought about doing this to her and many girls many times..but I was always worried that if I did..they would hit the chair instead of my lap an get hurt..or somehow I would tip back and hurt her and myself..so I never even tried until tonight when I did not think

when I pulled her into my lap..she did fall...but she fell gracefully into my lap like she fit there..almost like she belonged there and even though she will never be more then a good friend to me...I felt so powerful in that moment that I can not even fully explain it

my point is..we all have limits and we all look different...but I truly believe now..that all each of us need is the right fit

 

[koalakutie]

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[sereneone4u]

this is going a little off topic..but this post made me think of it and I love to tell this story

not long ago I use to feel that there was no way I could take part in BDSM because I spend a lot of my life in a wheelchair and what sub would kneel before a man that culd not stand over them to take control of them?

well last fall I went on a trip to see some friends of mine...a Master and his girl...the girl is one of my best friends in the world

well early on during my visit....me and my friend...who for as long as I have known he has been a sub..but has never been mine..got in disagreement and she started to pout...now almost any sub that knows me online knows..that pouting will lead to some sort of punishment...but I had never even thought about enforcing the rule in real life... until I saw this girl pout....when she did..without even thinking I pulled her down and over my knee..now I have thought about doing this to her and many girls many times..but I was always worried that if I did..they would hit the chair instead of my lap an get hurt..or somehow I would tip back and hurt her and myself..so I never even tried until tonight when I did not think

when I pulled her into my lap..she did fall...but she fell gracefully into my lap like she fit there..almost like she belonged there and even though she will never be more then a good friend to me...I felt so powerful in that moment that I can not even fully explain it

my point is..we all have limits and we all look different...but I truly believe now..that all each of us need is the right fit

*smiles*

Thank you for sharing this, J.D.

 

[HottieMama]

Appearance does matter to me by virtue of the fact that I have some very specific types of fetishes that can only be fulfilled by persons of a certain appearance. In addition to that, there also has to be that "spark," and something beyond the physical appearance...

 

[satindesire]

I have to like the way the icing looks before I'll eat the cake.

Please note, if the cake tastes like turds, I'll spit it out. But the icing is what attracts my attention to the cake in the first place.

 

[bhndblueyes88]

I have to like the way the icing looks before I'll eat the cake.

Please note, if the cake tastes like turds, I'll spit it out. But the icing is what attracts my attention to the cake in the first place.

I hate it when you see a cake with this rich delicious looking chocolate icing...but you bite in and...bland boring white cake

Metaphors aside, I legit detest white/yellow cake. Need me some rich chocolatey goodness >:}

 

[quimsical]

I hate it when you see a cake with this rich delicious looking chocolate icing...but you bite in and...bland boring white cake

Metaphors aside, I legit detest white/yellow cake. Need me some rich chocolatey goodness >:}

THIS is a fascinating topic. When I first got into BDSM, I found myself attracted more to the submissiveness of my play partners than to their raw attractiveness.

That's all changed now, though. And the icing metaphor rings fairly true to me.

 

[Stella_Omega]

JDanger, I know of many tops, masters, and doms-- male and female-- who are wheelchair users. Some I have met face to face. AS you discovered, your chair doesn't really mean much when someone wants to honor you.

Think about how many small women are accomplished Dommes. It isn't because of their superior strength!

Do I care what my partners look like? I do, a little. But the visual signals that turn me on and off have very little to do with what most people think of as "beauty." I have had treasured partners who were fat, who were balding, even who were facially asymetrical, which is supposed to be a no-no, if you believe the evo bio theories. When I look at a prospective partner, I want to see a touch of confidence, a touch of vulnerability.

Hmm...actually, a LOT of vulnerability...

 

[koalakutie]

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[satindesire]

I hate it when you see a cake with this rich delicious looking chocolate icing...but you bite in and...bland boring white cake

Metaphors aside, I legit detest white/yellow cake. Need me some rich chocolatey goodness >:}

I used to detest white/yellow cake until I tried french vanilla cake. It was good, for yellow cake. I'll still take chocolate any day, though.

 

[koalakutie]

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[Stella_Omega]

Scars? Limps? I can't imagine that a scar would make someone less sexy to me.

 

[YourCaptor]

Scars? Limps? I can't imagine that a scar would make someone less sexy to me.

Depends on the scars?

When I was a kid at the beach this vet was staring wide eyed, horrified.

Sometimes it depends on how you carry it though.

In locker rooms or such places people sometimes get all quiet and start staring. “My doc says I’m in perfect health… I'm starting to think he’s lying”, and everyones laughing and totally at ease again.


Do I care what a potential partner looks like. Hell yes. Some people I don't want to deal with, others I chase after. It's normal I think.

 

[subme01]

JD, I'm so glad you got your confidence to give it a go and happy Domming!

 

[FurryFury]

I think anyone who says they don't care how their partner looks isn't being completely honest with themselves, possibly and the rest of us entirely.

Initial attraction is almost always look based unless it happens long distance in letters and/or the internet.

It's not bad or good, it just is.

That being said, people become far more beautiful or ugly to me as I get to know them. If they are mean, fucked up people I begin to see them as ugly in every way. If they are nice, tolerant, loving people I begin to see them as beautiful.

Attraction can be built, pass the initial physical thing by getting to know someone's feelings, thoughts and ideals.

Once attached, I'm attached period. I would not suddenly find my mate unattractive unless he treated me or my kids like garbage. It wouldn't matter how his looks changed that means nothing at that point to me.

FF