Divorcing Myself From Myself (Ch 2)

[ThatJimGuy]

Note: This story is part of a small volume of stories that I have posted here previously. They will appear with different names as chapters (10 in all). I think these stories stand alone well, but they are meant to be read as part of a larger work entitled "Divorcing Myself From Myself" (which is a working title).

This chapter, #2, is called "Sex in the Alley With Susie." It was previously titled "Seeing Hammerbox."

Thank you in advance for checking this out, and I'm looking forward to hearing what you all think.

Jim

https://www.literotica.com/s/divorcing-myself-from-myself-ch-02

 

[Jada59]

Note: This story is part of a small volume of stories that I have posted here previously. They will appear with different names as chapters (10 in all). I think these stories stand alone well, but they are meant to be read as part of a larger work entitled "Divorcing Myself From Myself" (which is a working title).

This chapter, #2, is called "Sex in the Alley With Susie." It was previously titled "Seeing Hammerbox."

Thank you in advance for checking this out, and I'm looking forward to hearing what you all think.

Jim

https://www.literotica.com/s/divorcing-myself-from-myself-ch-02

I tried to read it. I didn't get very far with chapter one. I can't stand the way you write. One word at a time. One sentence at a time. No paragraphs.

Sometimes there is a need to write like this, for emphasis. But the whole story? It's akin to:

See Dick run.

Run, Dick!

Run!

Sorry. Just my opinion.

 

[ElectricBlue]

Jada is right - your style is very difficult to read, as there's no flow, no rhythm. It's neither prose nor poetry. Did my head in completely - I barely managed a hundred words. Ouch.

 

[ThatJimGuy]

Jada is right - your style is very difficult to read, as there's no flow, no rhythm. It's neither prose nor poetry. Did my head in completely - I barely managed a hundred words. Ouch.

No offense taken from either of you. Thank you for your honest feedback.

I will say that I am new at this, learning as I go along.

Thanks again!

Jim

 

[Vix_Giovanni]

I thought Ch. 02 it was excellent and voted such. Your writing style in that chapter was compact and fully loaded, and reminded me of Truman Capote's narrative voice in Breakfast at Tiffany's. And Susie herself was on par with Holly Golightly's intriguing style and crassly out-of-touch offensiveness.

Since I began my read with Ch. 02, I had higher expectations for Ch. 01; perhaps that's why I felt a bit let down after reading it. Ch. 01 was, as Jada and EB pointed out, choppy without reason.

Overall, I got the sense from your stories that you're a very good writer with specific stylistic ideas but without much momentum. To be blunt: nothing interesting happened. Therein lies the mastery of this kind of style; it's on you to make the humdrum mundane of life's nothingness suddenly Joycean in its revelations.

And even when you do such, it's not going to win you many readers or 5-star votes on Literotica. I would never suggest changing your unique and intriguing authorial voice, but you'd do well to remember that yours isn't in the same vein as the lyrical, flowery over-used tropes of the site's popular stories.

 

[ThatJimGuy]

Thank you Vix! As I pointed out above, I am still very new to this, so I'm learning as I go along. I endeavor to tell my stories in the way I hear them, but I can't always expect people to hear them the same way.

I'm in the process of making changes to Ch 1 to smooth it out, without losing the narrative experience.

Thank you again for your thoughtful and honest comments.