Divorced Fathers

[Zamdrist]

This is a thread I hope might be a place where fathers can talk about their sons, daughters, visitations and relationships with our children. As I'm writing this I'm wondering...is this too personal for people to discuss, too close to home?

I hope not. I would hope to benefit from other fathers' experience and wisdom.

I have visitations with my son every Wednesday and every other weekend. Since I've moved out on my own, leaving my girlfriend in March (Really December, long story...) I have'nt had the financial means to do a whole lot of exciting things. I moved into this apartment largely for reasons relating to my son and our relationship. As he's grown older him and I have become closer and closer. This apartment, while not anything to write home about, is 'our' place. He helps me clean, and even helps with the laundry. We do do fun things though, we play a lot of Nintendo and computer games as those are the things he gets most excited about now. He's eight years old and just finished second grade. Frequently we will go over to my ex-girlfiend's place as she will need help with her computer, plus we usually go to breakfast on saturdays. I had been with her for five years and didn't feel it would be fair of me to cut both of them of from contact. She helped me a great deal through the divorce and had become close to my son, as he had to her.

I imagine we could discuss a wide range of topics, such as frequency of visitations, activities, relationships, school events, sporting events, etc.

Just jump in and talk about what you are comfortable talking about!

This should not be rant thread about our ex-wives or bemoaning the fact you have to pay child support. This thread should be about our kids, and our love for them.

 

[Ezarc]

I have been living about 8 hours from my kids since November. I was working retail until recently so I never had weekends off. Including this past weekend, I have seen them three times since the move. Damn that hurts. They are both so young and I miss watching them go and develope. This past weekend, which I spent on the ex's couch, my sons woke me up by jumping on me and hugging me. It was such a great way to wake up. I think it is time to go cry now.
Take Care,
Ezarc

 

[Zamdrist]

This past weekend, which I spent on the ex's couch, my sons woke me up by jumping on me and hugging me. It was such a great way to wake up. I think it is time to go cry now.
Take Care,
Ezarc

That made me smile though...my son on the weekends politely taps me on the shoulder and says: "It's 8 o'clock"

LOL...Zzzzzzz...

 

[Zamdrist]

I suppose I should have added that anyone is free to comment or provide insight.

 

[Ezarc]

I am just to depressed to post.

 

[glamorilla]

Divorced fathers are sexy.

I want one too!

 

[MsMuffet]

I am just to depressed to post.

I know how you feel, baby.... had a bad one myself....

 

[Silverluna]

Good For you...

I really think its a grand thing that guys are actually taking more of an intrest in child raising...
I wish you two good luck in the future and I hope this thread will become a sort of "Gossip Spot" for y'all....Most of the males who have been divored that i know of, in my family, tend to reject the children...or are unfit to raise them....(detailed and sketchy) Basically, few males that i've known have the skills you guys might possess to make a difference in a kid's life...Go YOU!


(sorry for the corny blathering...)

 

[Silverluna]

Divorced fathers are sexy.

I want one too!

Me too! (heh...well...prolly not like you're after...)

 

[Tantanah]

It is commendable the love and committment that I see here. Your kids will know that they are loved by the quality time(not necessarily quantity time) you spend with them now and in the future. IT will help them to be more secure, well-rounded adults. It will boost their self-esteem and self-confidence.

When my parents divorced, my father chose to let his relationship with my mother affect his relationship with us, the kids. He chose to stay away from us because he didn't want to be around her. As a child you wind up feeling unloved and unwanted.

I'm over that and I've forgiven my Dad. Now I just feel sorry for him. He's missed out on so much. Not just the special occasions, but he missed out on a lot of love.

 

[Spinaroonie]

As he's grown older him and I have become closer and closer.

HE and I. HE and I have become closer and closer.

Except I don't know him.

 

[koalabear]

Mr. Mom here, I have custody of my 11 year old son, can't imagine not having him around.

 

[Tantanah]

Re: Re: Divorced Fathers

HE and I. HE and I have become closer and closer.

Except I don't know him.

 

[Zamdrist]

I'm over that and I've forgiven my Dad. Now I just feel sorry for him. He's missed out on so much. Not just the special occasions, but he missed out on a lot of love.

I never wanted any guilt over my relationship with my son, so I've made a cimmitment to be a significant part of his life, as much as possible.

You'll be interested to hear, that each school year I go to his teacher and ask that she/he send me what ever offical papers go home with my son. I give them self addressed, stamped envelopes to make it easy. Each year I have to patiently explain to them that I am interested in his schooling. Each time I've gotton a cool, uninterested response. One teacher told me she would just send me what she thought was important. I informed her that it would be ME who would make that decision, please send everything you can!

I fully expect the same brush off come third grade.

 

[Zamdrist]

Re: Re: Divorced Fathers

HE and I. HE and I have become closer and closer.

Except I don't know him.

This is a casual message board (General Board), not a grammer forum. But thank you for the correction.

 

[Tantanah]

I never wanted any guilt over my relationship with my son, so I've made a cimmitment to be a significant part of his life, as much as possible.

You'll be interested to hear, that each school year I go to his teacher and ask that she/he send me what ever offical papers go home with my son. I give them self addressed, stamped envelopes to make it easy. Each year I have to patiently explain to them that I am interested in his schooling. Each time I've gotton a cool, uninterested response. One teacher told me she would just send me what she thought was important. I informed her that it would be ME who would make that decision, please send everything you can!

I fully expect the same brush off come third grade.

That's just too bad. It's a shame some teachers can be like that. A concerned , involved , supportive parent is any teacher's dream. Or should be. Don't give up though, continue to push the issue.

 

[Monazwx]

<BUMP>

P.S. Always knew you were a good guy Zam.

 

[curvacious]

i applaud those fathers working hard to remain a figure in their child's life.
I'm the child of a divorce (before i was 1 year old). My dad didn't see me really until I was 4 or 5 even though he lived at most 20 minutes away becuase he didn't want to deal with my mom and her family. Then I saw him every other Sunday and some holidays. When I got older he let me choose when to see him and being a teenager it got the point where I didn't see him much as I was doing teenage things. A few years ago he moved and just last year I moved into his home so I could go to the nearby University. I was kicked out of the home about 6 months later by stepmom. I've seen my dad once in the last 3 months and was pretty much treated as an aquintance.
I can remember going to his home when I was little. We would talk for a little while (1/2 hour usually) and I would play with my sisters the rest of the time. I can't remember a time where he played a game or did a puzzle or even like went for a walk with us. He usually sat in the chair watching TV or slept. So, I really admire you guys that can understand it's not just enough to be in the same room with your child. You actually have to make an effort.

 

[Zamdrist]

When I got older he let me choose when to see him and being a teenager it got the point where I didn't see him much as I was doing teenage things.

I worry about that, will my son want to 'hang' with Dad when he's a teenager? Will that be 'cool'? I suspect I will have to be flexible and understanding as he gets older. It will not be an easy thing to do, as it most likely will come out from left field one day. I'll have to be creative and come up with 'cool' activities.

P.S. Thanks Mona...

 

[YogiBare]

Thanks for the great thread idea, Zam. I'm sure that I'll be back to it many times.

I'm a divorced father with shared custody of my almost 11 year old daughter. I've tried very hard to be very actively involved in her life, and make a point of living 10 minutes from her mother and 10 minutes from her school. I get to be with her 4 or 5 days out of the week (part, or all of the day). Frequently, her mother and I do things with our daughter together. I'm grateful that it's worked out as well as it has. I adore her and would be heartbroken if I couldn't be an active part of her life.

 

[Zamdrist]

Thanks for the great thread idea, Zam. I'm sure that I'll be back to it many times.

I'm a divorced father with shared custody of my almost 11 year old daughter. I've tried very hard to be very actively involved in her life, and make a point of living 10 minutes from her mother and 10 minutes from her school. I get to be with her 4 or 5 days out of the week (part, or all of the day). Frequently, her mother and I do things with our daughter together. I'm grateful that it's worked out as well as it has. I adore her and would be heartbroken if I couldn't be an active part of her life.

That's great Yogi, I too live very close to my son. Unfortuantely the strife caused during the divorce proceedings cause deep wounds, irrepairable damage really. Fortunately my son came out f it more or less unscathed. The idea of doing something together with my ex-wife and son is incomprehensible really. However we do chat at the ballgames, and he sees this, which is a good thing I think.

 

[bored1]

I have been divorced for many years, My children live 2 hours away. While I tried hard at first to maintain a relationship with them time and distance has taken something from them and me.However I still get them every two weeks and make the best of things. I live for the day when my youngest turns 18, So I no longer have to pay support through a domestic court system that has done a commendible job of turning me and many other fathers into nothing more than sperm donors and paychecks.While all cases are different I watched as the courts allowed my children to be relocated from the only neighborhood and school system they had ever known, so their mother could live with her new boyfriend. Of course hes long gone and now 3 boyfriends later they are moving again. I find the entire situation depressing.

 

[YogiBare]

That's great Yogi, I too live very close to my son. Unfortuantely the strife caused during the divorce proceedings cause deep wounds, irrepairable damage really. Fortunately my son came out f it more or less unscathed. The idea of doing something together with my ex-wife and son is incomprehensible really. However we do chat at the ballgames, and he sees this, which is a good thing I think.

Zam, it took a lot of time, and a lot of commitment on both of our parts to get to this point. It was horrible for a good while, at first, after we split. It took a real effort top be civil to each other. We were mistrustful of the others' intentions, and were each sure that we were the better parent for our daughter. We had some screaming and cussing fights at first. My frequent fantasy, even though I knew that I didn't want it for my daughter's sake, was that my ex would get hit by a truck so that I could raise my daughter alone and full time.

The good part was that we both wanted our daughter to have two loving, involved parents, and we didn't want her to be hurt by having parents who hated each other. This made us each suck it up, hold our tongue, and try very hard to work together in our co-parenting.

After two or three years, my ex and I actually started becoming friends again. We became more generous and understanding toward one another, and now we actually enjoy one another's company. Tonight is my night with The Kid, and on the spur of the moment the three of us wound up having dinner together and shopping for new clothes for my daughter. Last Sunday, on my ex's weekend, we both went to The Kid's soccer game, co-hosted the team's end-of-season party, and hung out together during the evening. It's fluid like that a lot, now, and we each seem to benefit because of it. (By the way, it's not like my ex and I are even thinking of getting back together romantically. She's more like a sister, now.)

I hope that you and your ex and your son can also improve the interactions as time allows the two of you to heal your relationship. I found that holding onto the anger and the bitterness just wasn't worth the cost that I was paying.

 

[Shy Tall Guy]

It would take a book to hold everything I could say on this subject, but I think one thought might get the point across to most people; even though I was not a custodial parent, I was a "Single Father". Often when you hear the words "Single Mother" or "Single Father" you think that they are the custodial parent, but even though I wasn't, I still use the term proudly - I was and am as much of a father as my ex-wife was/is a mother.

I am single and a father, therefore I am a Single Father - and if anybody has a problem with that they can go fuck themselves. 'Nuff said.

 

[Synnerman]

Great thread idea Zam. Another single father here but a little older one than most of those posting so far.

I was divorced in the midwest and in a different era. Fathers did not get custody of children unless the mother was in jail or in the morgue. No I am not advocating any such thing but if there was a truck in her future I probably would not have cared either.

My children, two boys and one girl, lived with their mother and my work was out of state. I had my kids during summer breaks and would visit them whenever I could the rest of the time. The youngest resents me to this day for leaving him and nothing his mother or anyone says makes a difference. I have a good relationship with my oldest son and I was asked to give the bride away when my daughter married two years ago.

The thought I am trying to convey is don't let them get away emotionly even if separated by distance. If I could do anything over it would be spend more time with them than I did. I realize now, there are no excuses. Distance and finances were my excuses but they don't hold up when you look back and say to yourself "I could have done better". It's too late for that now.

My advise, just do it.