Divorce Support Group

[Raunchy Romantic]

I don't see any recent threads on this subject so I thought I would start one. I find it difficult to believe that I'm the only one dealing with this issue.

A little about me:

This is an ALT, an alias for my regular addy on here. Why am I using this one instead of letting my friends on here help me? Well, because I don't want them to know. For another, I was involved, deeply I thought, with someone on Lit and I did not want her to know that my wife and I have effectly been separated for months. I did not tell her because I've been hurt in the past and wanted to see if this person would follow the same path. She has. Her affection was fickle, her feelings for me merely a moment till something better came along. I wanted to see if she was "true" before I let her know that I am in a position to possibly commit. I'm glad I waited. She claimed to think of me, dream of me, want me, and love me. But she stopped leaving voicemails. Stopped texting me. Stopped pm'ing and emailing me. On YIM, she went to always being invisible to me though she would be on...and reply when I messaged her. That alone led me to believe that she was "busy" with someone else and didn't want me to see the pic she had up or well...Enough of that.

I've been in a loveless marriage for years. Wait, that's not true. I love her, and I believe she loves me. But our love is more of a friend kind of love. The intimacy left our marriage years ago. We don't fight, we rarely argue, and there is little hostility in our house. For the most part, we travel our own paths. While we haven't discussed it, we both recognize that we still co habitate because we both deeply love our children, and for financial concerns.

Our son is at that stage where he is beginning to deal with life and really needs his father around full time. Our daughter is very young. Truth be told, the very idea of not being able to tuck them in at night brings me near tears.

Not that it makes that much difference. We haven't been intimate for, well, for a very long time. I can fathom no gulf greater than lying in bed next to someone you've loved and being rejected. Hence, I finally moved to the guest room months ago.

Financially, I've been working on several large projects. Two look like are going to come to fruition. If another hits, then finances won't be a concern for quite some time. And I expect that more will eventually come in before the money from the first several runs out.

My delimema now is more along the lines of dealing with not seeing my kids every night as I move out. However, I believe that one day I might find that romantic, passionate love to which I've searched all my life. And I hope that my wife will too. I want my children to see deep romance and love.

Another issue is that I really don't want to hurt my wife. Her world does revolve an idealogical image of "family". Unfortunately, the prejudgace to which she grew up did not involve sex. And we also have nothing in common any longer other than family. I love to hike...her idea of hiking is go to the mall. I like being active. She likes to sit on the computer playing games. Heck, we don't even like the same TV shows.

 

[akatrex]

Sorry for your pain.

Schedule an hour visit with a Family Law Attorney. Preferably a "Certified Family Law Specialist". They can inform you about your rights as a father.

People "THINK THEY KNOW" Family Law because of TV & well intentioned friends and co-workers. Wrong, Wrong, Wrong.

You both can use the same Attorney as long as it’s amicable.

Also they can recommend "Support Group" information.

Best of Luck!

 

[SweetErika]

Do you think the divorce will be amicable?

If so, you'll have a lot more room to work in terms of solutions for transitioning and seeing your kids. Maybe you could still have dinner together most nights, keep them in the same house while you and your wife rotate out, get a place within walking distance, etc. There are lots of creative solutions when both parents are focused on the kids (vs. how mad the are at each other). Hopefully you can work something out directly with her, but if not, through your attorney or mediation.

I agree with consulting a family law attorney sooner rather than later. Even if you think it's going to be amicable, there may be some things you need to do now to protect yourself just in case it isn't.

I haven't been divorced, but as a child who watched her dad disengage and fight her mom over everything, I'd say do whatever you can to stay in a generous, best-interest-of-my-kids mindset. You can always make more money and find a new relationship, but souring your relationship with your kids with hostility toward your wife/an epic battle is forever. Hopefully you two will be as good to each other as you were when you were happier together and the kids will come out of this with two parents who still care for each other and are just better off going separate ways.

 

[Raunchy Romantic]

Sorry for your pain.

Schedule an hour visit with a Family Law Attorney. Preferably a "Certified Family Law Specialist". They can inform you about your rights as a father.

People "THINK THEY KNOW" Family Law because of TV & well intentioned friends and co-workers. Wrong, Wrong, Wrong.

You both can use the same Attorney as long as it’s amicable.

Also they can recommend "Support Group" information.

Best of Luck!

thanks, akatrex. it's taken awhile for me to finally admit defeat.

 

[Raunchy Romantic]

Do you think the divorce will be amicable?

If so, you'll have a lot more room to work in terms of solutions for transitioning and seeing your kids. Maybe you could still have dinner together most nights, keep them in the same house while you and your wife rotate out, get a place within walking distance, etc. There are lots of creative solutions when both parents are focused on the kids (vs. how mad the are at each other). Hopefully you can work something out directly with her, but if not, through your attorney or mediation.

I agree with consulting a family law attorney sooner rather than later. Even if you think it's going to be amicable, there may be some things you need to do now to protect yourself just in case it isn't.

I haven't been divorced, but as a child who watched her dad disengage and fight her mom over everything, I'd say do whatever you can to stay in a generous, best-interest-of-my-kids mindset. You can always make more money and find a new relationship, but souring your relationship with your kids with hostility toward your wife/an epic battle is forever. Hopefully you two will be as good to each other as you were when you were happier together and the kids will come out of this with two parents who still care for each other and are just better off going separate ways.

Thanks, darlin'. I never thought of the leaving the kids in the same house. I'll have to look into that.

 

[SweetErika]

Thanks, darlin'. I never thought of the leaving the kids in the same house. I'll have to look into that.

Yep, I just heard about it a few years ago. There are quite a few out-of-the-box solutions if it's an amicable split. Some people even stay in the same home together throughout the divorce or for years after! Those who are lucky enough to have/can afford space on the same property (e.g. a basement apartment, cottage, MIL apartment) can do that, while still having their separate areas. I've also heard of others who have bought houses right next door/across the street so the kids can be with either parent easily.

I'd like to think we could be amicable enough to come up with a creative solution that maintained stability for our kid(s) in that situation.

 

[akatrex]

Do you think the divorce will be amicable?

I haven't been divorced, but as a child who watched her dad disengage and fight her mom over everything, I'd say do whatever you can to stay in a generous, best-interest-of-my-kids mindset. You can always make more money and find a new relationship, but souring your relationship with your kids with hostility toward your wife/an epic battle is forever. Hopefully you two will be as good to each other as you were when you were happier together and the kids will come out of this with two parents who still care for each other and are just better off going separate ways.

Do your best but be "Prepared". I have done everything possible over the last 16 years to be with my kids. But SIX, thats right 6 "Order to Show Cause" dates with the Judge at the behest of my Ex Wife has put a damper on things.

Things started out well. Then I started to date a bit. Then it went south real fast. She was jealous that I was moving on with out her. Beware!

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

 

[Raunchy Romantic]

Thanks. I've been thinking about seeing a marriage counselor. No, not to stay together. Been there many times. She always quit because she said they all were on my side. *shrug* go figure.

Thought about seeing one myself initially. Set up the scenario of bringing her in...having the counselor help her realize that us getting divorced is better for both of us. And then the couselor can also be there to help her through it.

Any thoughts?

 

[SweetErika]

Thanks. I've been thinking about seeing a marriage counselor. No, not to stay together. Been there many times. She always quit because she said they all were on my side. *shrug* go figure.

Thought about seeing one myself initially. Set up the scenario of bringing her in...having the counselor help her realize that us getting divorced is better for both of us. And then the couselor can also be there to help her through it.

Any thoughts?

If she's always felt the counselor is on your side, she'd probably be best off with her own therapist, while you have yours. You can certainly start off with your own and bring her in, as you said, but I doubt she'll put much credibility in "your" therapist. In the end, too, it's not a therapist's job to convince anyone of anything, but rather help people get to the right answers for them on their own and make suggestions to ease transitions.

I think you should ask your therapist what s/he suggests for convincing and instituting some support for your wife. Maybe s/he can recommend someone to her and you can support her in getting the therapy she needs.

 

[Raunchy Romantic]

sigh

well, we started "the talk" last night. As much as i think we both need this, it pains me to see her hurting.

 

[NotNowHunny]

well, we started "the talk" last night. As much as i think we both need this, it pains me to see her hurting.

Yes divorce is hard, especially this time of year. I wish I had words of wisdom for you but I don't. I will tell you this, though it hasn't been easy, I did survive mine after being married 23 yrs. Good luck to you all.