discussion welcomed new story

aussie_sin

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Jan 31, 2006
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9
You have been away for four days, playing, you never rang once, I am so mad and pissed off. I understand you may be busy but fuck, you can’t spare 5 minutes on a call. I hear the car pull up and hear the goodbyes. You open the door and you come in, you look so tired. You look me up and down and see I am all made up. I have a light dressing gown on but you can see the black stockings and my makeup all done.
You say hello, I grunt a ‘hi’ and leave the room. You drop your bag and follow me in. Not tonight, you are too tired to deal with this.
You ask where I am going, I ignore you, you ask again, I glare at you and throw the invitation at you. Fuck a formal dinner you agreed us to go to. You tell me you will ring and cancel, you’re too tired. I tell you I am still going.
You know the mood I’m in, not wise letting me go by myself. You tell me I am staying home with you.
You really missed me. I turn and glare at you, softly I say ’You missed me? Gone four days, no call. You have forgotten me once too often, I am going out’. I turn to walk away, you grab for me to pull me back. I try to shrug you off, “don’t start, now isn’t a good time”. You come up behind me and turn me around roughly, your not letting me out, I am to stay in with you. I raise my hands and thump your chest and tell you ‘to back off, you don’t TELL me nothing!!! I am going out, you don’t call, You do your own thing, so fuck you I am going out’.
I grab my dress off the bed, I make to go to the bathroom to put it on. You snatch the dress and throw it across the room, I lose it, I take a swing at you, predictable, you catch my fist and hold it, tell me don’t even try. I raise my other hand and attempt another hit. I catch you just slightly on the chin, you grab my wrist and push me back on the bed. You come towards me and I lift a leg to kick at you. It opens the dressing gown and you catch a glimpse of what I am wearing underneath. You’re just staring at me.
I go to get off the bed, you shove me back down and grab my dressing gown and rip it open. Buttons fly off. By this stage I am screaming at you to ‘fuck off, let me go’. You see what I am wearing, black lacy bra, barely holding me in, matching garter and panties. So nice. My upper thighs are so creamy against the tops of the stockings and garter.
You ask me who am I dressing up for, again I tell you to fuck off, you pin me on the bed and ask again. I stare into your eyes and tell you, all your mates, I going to fuck all of them. Now you are getting really angry, you slap me across my breast, it hurts, a red hand print appears.
Tears come to my eyes, not from the pain but from anger, I am yelling at you to get off, I struggle to try to move you, you lean forward and kiss me hard. I bite your lip, this hurts, you call me a fucken little bitch and stand up and throw me over onto my stomach.
You see my butt, ah not panties but a g-string, you then slap my butt hard. I scream, this really hurt. You slap it again and watch the hand print redden, and another, you slap my thighs, I am wriggling on the bed, trying you move away and avoid the slaps. They are getting harder, you squeeze my cheeks and feel the heat coming from the slaps. I am crying now from the pain, telling you to stop, enough. No way, I have made you angry, deal with it. You bend forward and hold my butt cheeks and kiss them and bite them. I jump from the pain, I bring my leg back and kick your shoulder, wack, I get another slap. I move my hand over my butt to protect them.
You grab it and hold it in the small of my back. You lean forward again and start kissing my butt and move your hand between my thighs. I have them clench hard together, wack, you smack my thigh, open your legs bitch. You roughly move them apart and move your hand to my crutch, rub my lips over my pants.
You feel they are wet, you move aside my g string and slide a finger up and down. I am struggling to move your hand away, you add pressure to the small of my back, this hurts my arm and I arch my back, you slide your fingers into me hard, I moan, you thrust them in and out, again and again, telling me you know how much I love this, call me your little bitch , you feel me stop struggling and start enjoying it.
You remove your hand and let me go. I roll over and look at you, you are breathing hard, and unbuckling your belt, unzipping, freeing yourself and slide your jeans down your thighs, I can see how hard you are. I begin to edge away from you, this is the last thing I want to give you, I move away, almost off the bed, you grab me by the hair and pull me closer to your crutch.
I push at you and you force my head to your cock and tell me to open my mouth. I turn my head and you slap my breasts again. I open my mouth and take you in, you feel my teeth pressing on you, biting you, you pull on my hair and warn me to let go, I add a little more pressure and feel you tense.
I grab your butt in my hands and dig my nails into you, you clench your butt and groan in pain and thrust forward, making me suck you is not a good idea. You pull my head away and roughly throw me onto the bed. You pounce on me and pin me down, holding my hands above my head and lowering your head and kissing my breasts above the bra, still red from the slaps, you kiss and lick my skin, sucking my nipple through the lace.
Feel me squirm under you, mmm she is melting, kiss and lick down to my stomach, over the garter belt, you kiss my pussy through the panties, breath in my scent, nuzzle your face against me, sucking my clit, feel my juices wetting my pants, you lower your hand and grab the crutch of my pants, pull hard and they snap off, you bring them to your face and smell them, bring them to my face and rub them across my mouth.
My breath is coming quickly, waiting for you drop your guard, then I’m out of here. You stand again and drop your pants and step out of them. Raise your t-shirt over your head and then, I make my move, I roll across the bed and almost get off, you grab me by the ankle and drag me back, I kick my other leg at you, you grab that too and smile and spread my legs wide.
I buck up trying to free them, you kneel between my legs and your cock rubs between my lips, looking for an entry. You find it and push forward a little, hold both my legs on your shoulders and shove into me. I don’t move, you push forward, in deep and grind. I am so wet. I am holding your look, just watching your eyes as you thrust into me.
I see the passion begin to take over, you half close your eyes as you get into it, throw your head back, as you pick up your pace you feel me start to move my hips, you open your eyes and watch me, I am breathing hard and moaning, tears are still in my eyes, you release my legs and lay on me, you tenderly take my face in your hands and kiss me passionately, you feel me lifting my hips in time with you, grinding you back as you grind me, we are fucking so intensely.
I feel you begin to swell and sense your orgasm approaching, my arms go around your back and I claw your back as I feel you cumming, this makes you arch your back and push harder into me, just enough to begin my orgasm. You collaspe on me and we are both panting. So fucking good. After a couple of minutes I roll you off me, a little heavy hun, you roll onto your back and are exhausted. I asked if you enjoyed that, mmm loved it. I get up and clean myself up, put the dress on and tell you I have a dinner to eat. You sit up and shake your head, fuck!! here we go again………….
 
You used the pronouns 'you' or 'your' in the story you wrote 181 times, by the end I was singing it.

Me appears 44 times. My 69 times. I did not count the times 'I' appears.

Perhaps a few too many pronouns for a 1500 word story.


Lines such as this one:

My breath is coming quickly, waiting for you drop your guard, then I’m out of here.

How is your breath waiting for "you" to drop "your" guard. Mixed up subject.

some other tense problems and voice problems.

The story is ok, but doesn't particularly excite me.
 
Last edited:
replying to kbate

Thanks for the reply, since this is all new to me I probably need some coaching on how to eliminate all those I's and you's.....any suggestions would obviously help...I have another couple of srories I am trying out, pretty sure I cleaned up the i's and u's thank god I left out the o's...
I don't even know if I am posting these things in the right place, guess I have lots to learn
 
aussie_sin said:
Thanks for the reply, since this is all new to me I probably need some coaching on how to eliminate all those I's and you's.....any suggestions would obviously help...I have another couple of srories I am trying out, pretty sure I cleaned up the i's and u's thank god I left out the o's...
I don't even know if I am posting these things in the right place, guess I have lots to learn


It's the right place. Others may chime in with their ideas, and If I have time, I'll go over it with more detail.
 
What are people's feelings on this present tense, first person style of writing? I generally don't read first person stuff and absolutely never read the present tense stuff in this style.

I'm not for one second saying it [present tense writing] is wrong, just that I find that I switch off when I see it.

I'm not saying first person stuff can't be erotic either, it plainly is in a number of cases. Maybe it's because books are mainly written third person that I find it [third person perspective] preferable.
 
DiBosco said:
What are people's feelings on this present tense, first person style of writing? I generally don't read first person stuff and absolutely never read the present tense stuff in this style.

I'm not for one second saying it [present tense writing] is wrong, just that I find that I switch off when I see it.

I'm not saying first person stuff can't be erotic either, it plainly is in a number of cases. Maybe it's because books are mainly written third person that I find it [third person perspective] preferable.

Actually, that's written in second person, and although I have one story in second person, it is rather off-putting for most.

It's hard for a female reader to get into the "you" character when they're described as having a "hard dick," and vice versa.

First person isn't bad, and I have a couple written in that POV, but the most common POV is third. I think for beginner writers, first person is a little easier at first. As they become more comfortable with writing, most move into third person.
 
cloudy said:
Actually, that's written in second person, and although I have one story in second person, it is rather off-putting for most.

It's hard for a female reader to get into the "you" character when they're described as having a "hard dick," and vice versa.

First person isn't bad, and I have a couple written in that POV, but the most common POV is third. I think for beginner writers, first person is a little easier at first. As they become more comfortable with writing, most move into third person.

Yes, you're right, it's the second person part of the text coupled with the present tense that really grates with me. I was going to say it skips between first and second person, but I suppose it would be almost impossible to write a story totally in second person, so maybe a second person story has to have some first person too.

I don't think first person is bad, just not generally my cup of tea...
 
DiBosco said:
I don't think first person is bad, just not generally my cup of tea...


IMO, this form only works well if it is written in the form of dialogue.

Male speaker: "And then what happened?"

Female speaker: "You reached down, pulled off my panties and brushed your hand through my pubic hair."

Male: "Go on."

etc.. Although this changes tense to past, it works with the second person voice.
 
Thanks guys, you know I never gave the first person or second person thought, now I understand how it doesn'tfit when a guy reads this, if I rewrite this story can you review it for me, this is so helpful
 
I've seen the light

I just realized something, I have a book by my favourite author wriiten in first person, I can get into it, I understand what has been said in these replies, thanks it all greatly appreciated, looks like I have some serious rewriting to do, I have so many stories backed up here
 
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