Discussion: The Earl

[KillerMuffin]

Today's discussion brings us The Earl! Help him out guys!


From the Author
Evening all,

I've posted a new story, but unfortunately my public don't appear too happy with this effort. I'd appreciate some help on figuring out why and how I can change it in the edit before I even think about writing the next part.

WARNING: This is Buffy the Vampire Slayer fanfic. I would greatly appreciate your help even if you don't know the show at all, but this is definitely fanfic, unlike Seducing Dawn and there will be bits that you don't get. Apologies in advance.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=100975

I will be making a substantial edit of this story based partly on your recommendations. No pressure.

The only specific question I have really is whether you think the sex scenes are too bitty? If so would you have preferred me to focus on just one coupling rather than swap between, or have more on everything?

Thanks

The Earl

 

[Alex De Kok]

Looks okay to me

You might have lost the strokers, but I liked it. I liked too the way you switched between the scenes. For me, enough sex content. I tend to write longer pieces, so I'm sometimes disappointed when a story fits within one Lit page, but this one's okay. You shouldn't go too far wrong with the Kiwi and Mexican ladies on your team...

You've gone out on a cliffhanger, which is where I get annoyed. I've done it myself, so I plead guilty to 'the pot calling the kettle black', but if the sequel isn't ready to go you shouldn't have included the teaser.

The dialogue was good - I particularly like the way you've caught the Willow character.

Apart from that, you need to include HTML rather than vB codes for your italics, also one of the Dawn sentences doesn't read right - "She moaned as rush of sensation whipped at her senses." Shouldn't there be an 'a' or a 'the' before 'rush'?

One final point. I don't know what the adjective is meaning 'of Venus' but I wouldn't use Venal - check a dictionary for why not! (I'm prepared to be proved wrong!)

Alex

 

[Chicklet]

Hey Earl,

Honestly the only fanfic I've read is a very, very bad story based on the Dark Crystal and another one of your Buffy stories. Even though I'd never seen Buffy before I liked the last story of yours I read, and this one is no different. But keep in mind that since I'm not familiar with fanfic, I don't really know what's lost the public, here...

Willow blushed. “Well I don’t usually use my magic for that, because you know that’d be wrong and selfish, even though it’d be fun, but it’s not something which I’d normally look into, because I am, like you say, far too innocent, but Tara showed me how to do some things and I thought that it’d be nice to look into, not that I’d ever do any of this stuff... Aren’t you supposed to stop me when I start talking without breathing?”

LOL! I think that this is funny. Is it something the character does often? If so, I think you've done a good job incorporating it into the story. Just wanted you to know that you made me laugh first thing in the morning.

I did find a place where you have the italics brackets but no italics...maybe when you resubmit you could make a note to Laurel to make sure she sees it. 28th paragraph I think.

“No you don’t. You’re not a man; you’re just a monster with a leash on him.” Buffy pulled her arm free and walked away, trying to ignore the feelings dragging her back.

“Honey?”

Willow opened her eyes to see Tara leaning over her. A smile spread across her face and she lifted her head to kiss her girlfriend. “Hey you. What time is it?”

This confused me a little bit...there's no break but all of a sudden instead of Buffy and Spike it's Willow and Tara...?? And then later down it goes from Willow and Tara to Dawn...and I was confused again. I do understand what you're trying to do, the parallel sex scenes, and I like it...but I don't think it would hurt to have a little *** between character sections or anything. Maybe you could try it that way and see if it still made sense to *you*?

I liked your story, I really did. It seems a little boring, and I can't quite figure out why. It's really funny, the sex scenes are hot, but for some reason the tone is a little slow...That might be why people aren't taking it as well as others. It took a lot of thought on my part to find it boring, too...I had to sit back and say "What did I think about that story?" and slow isn't exactly what I thought of at first. I didn't like it as much as I've liked others, and I am trying to figure out why...

Okay the introduction is good. It made me smile, it made me interested. I'm unhappy with the shift between scene 1 and 2. Maybe it's my unfamiliarity with the show, but why is Buffy in the cemetary? It seems like an odd shift. Kitchen, cemetary. I'd almost be happier if there was a bit in the middle where Buffy said "okay, girls, I'm off to find something to kill," and walked out of the door, rather than just "part 2." Part 2 seems to have a whole different tone than part 1, as well. Where before it's light and funny now it seems to have a whole different tone...not that that's a bad thing, but it felt like I was reading a different story. The negative side of that is that I got all connected to the characters in the lighter, funnier bit, and now it's like I have to re-aquaint myself.

Bah. I'm done babbling.

-Chicklet

 

[TheEarl]

Thanks all. Appreciate the advice and also the meaning of venal. FYI it means 'able to be bribed' or 'corrupt.' Any thoughts on what the adjective for Venus is? Venusal is a bit of a mouthful.

I know exactly where I'm going from the cliff-hanger and I had the sequel all ready to reel off, but then this one got absolutely slaughtered in voting at first and I decided to wait and get advice before writing the sequel.

Some of the formatting has been lost here. Hence why the switching from scene to scene is not clear at all. Sorry about that.

Keep it coming - I need all the advice I can get.

The Earl

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Earl,

This was a fun read. After checking out some of the earlier critiques, however, I really tried to slice and dice it, looking for something that might speed it up and make it less boring. I have no idea if I succeeded.

Except for your transitions, which I hate, loathe and despise, all my comments are intended as suggestions and “what if’s”, not corrections, much less condemnations. If you decide some are useful, fantastic. If they’re all crap, what else is new?

IMHO, the numerous, abrupt transition shifts hamper instead of help your story. At first, they seemed to be coming with no apparent cause-and-effect. Some foreshadowing in the opening scene might have helped. (What are you doing tonight, Buffy? – So Willow, do you really think this Venus deal’s going to mean a little action for all of us?) The vast number of quick, back-and-forth, scene switches also made it hard to pick up a theme.

Since the “Venus” word refers primarily to the planet and to the goddess only by implication, the word you’re probably looking for is “Venusian” It’s in the dictionary, I promise.

Hope some of this helps. Let me know where I’ve strayed from the path of righteousness.

Rumple Foreskin

--

“So what’s the Big Bad?” Buffy took a sip from her can of coke (TRADEMARKED NAME – IF YOU DON’T CAPITALIZE IT, YOU’LL MAY HAVE TO ANSWER TO THE COCA-COLA CO.) and walked over to Willow who was almost hidden behind the gigantic pile of books in front of her. (“OMIT “IN FRONT OF HER” IT’S SELF-EVIDENT.)

“No Big Bad. Just some personal stuff.”

Buffy picked up one of the books and examined the spine. “Advanced Pleasure Through Magic: Orgasm Intensification Spells.(“ ”)Willow! I always thought you were too innocent for this kind of stuff.”

Willow blushed. “Well I don’t usually use my magic for that, because you know that’d be wrong and selfish, even though it’d be fun, but it’s not something which I’d normally look into, because I am, like you say, far too innocent, but Tara showed me how to do some things and I thought that it’d be nice to look into, not that I’d ever do any of this stuff... Aren’t you supposed to stop me when I start talking without breathing?”

Buffy smirked at her friend’s discomfiture. “Don’t stress Willow. You and Tara are allowed to get up to whatever dirty depraved things you want in the privacy of your own bedroom.”

“I’ll just go and hide in the corner now.” (A LITTLE CONFUSING AS TO THE ID OF THE SPEAKER OF THIS AND THE NEXT SENTENCE. MIGHT USE A TAG HERE, AND BEGIN THE NEXT PARA WITH “THE DOOR SLAMMED…” TO ID THAT SPEAKER.)

“You will not believe what I have just had to deal with at school today!” The door slammed as Dawn swept into the shop, her complaints preceding her arrival. She dropped into the nearest chair, flicking her long silky hair over her shoulder with one hand. “First of all there was this boy…” Her voice trailed off as she noticed the pile of books that Willow was valiantly trying to hide behind. “Willow, what are you researching?”

“How to disappear into the floor?”

Buffy interjected, before Dawn could ask any more questions. “What about this boy, Dawn?”

“Doesn’t matter. I lost my train of tantrum already.” Dawn’s hand stretched out and took Buffy’s coke. “So why are you researching orgasm intensification Willow?” (STYLE SUGGESTION: SINCE BUFFY IS REFERENCED IN THE PREVIOUS SENTENCE, THIS ONE MIGHT READ SMOOTHER IF DAWN ASKS BUFFY, “SO WHY IS WILLOW…?”)

“Dawn!”

“Oh come on Buffy, it’s not like I don’t know about sex. I’m eighteen, not stupid.” Dawn sipped at her (ACTUALLY, ISN’T IT BUFFY’S DRINK?) drink. “Besides, it’s fun watching Willow squirm.”

Willow sat up in her chair. “Nope, I’ve decided. I’m not going to be ashamed. This is legitimate research of a possible Hellmouth thingy.”

Dawn picked up one of the books and started leafing through it. “So we need to be prepared for invisible dildos and magical handcuffs, do we?”

Willow snatched the book back. “It’s research on the Venal (VENUSIAN) Alignment.”

“And that is?” Buffy asked.

“Apart from a chance to get snuggly with people? It’s a huge astrological thing when the Sun, the Earth and Venus all line up together. According to what I know, it only happens once every 600 years.”

Buffy hopped up onto the shop counter. “So what does this Venal Alignment do then?”

“It’s a little vague. The only thing I’ve been able to find out for certain is that it acts as one huge worldwide aphrodisiac while it’s going. And there’s a whole bunch of mystical energy going around, so you’d better be on the lookout for just about anything.”

“Great,” Buffy sighed. “When does it start?”

“Some time tonight. And it lasts for 3 days so it’ll finish Sunday.”

“We need research then, so that (OMIT “THAT”) we know what we’re looking for.” Buffy hopped off the counter and intercepted Dawn who was walking towards the bookshelves. “No, not you.”

“Buffy...!”

“You need to revise (REVIEW?) for your exams. Willow can deal with this. Right Will?”

Dawn flung her arms in the air and flounced out of the shop, the door slamming behind her. Buffy sighed; she was never going to get used to playing Mom for her little sister.

Willow bit her lip nervously. “Buffy, there’s no actual point in researching it. There’s a hundred thousand things that could turn up. We can’t tell which, if any of them, will actually appear. We’re just going to have to deal (WITH THEM?) after the event.”

Buffy waved a hand at the books. “So why the heavy literature? Are you and Tara hitting those books tonight?”

“And now we go back to hiding in the corner.” (PROBABLY JUST ME, BUT THOSE LAST TWO PARAGRAPHS LOST ME.)

Buffy smiled at Willow’s embarrassment. “S’okay Will. No need to trash your special evening. I’ll be able to deal with whatever.”


Chapter 2:

Buffy walked through the cemetery, her axe dragging along the ground. None of the evil demons that populated Sunnydale seemed to be in the mood to fight her tonight. This was generally a good thing, but Buffy couldn’t shake the feeling that there was something wrong (COULD OMIT “WITH TONIGHT”) with tonight.

She’d been feeling weird all evening. Every one of her senses was at red-alert; everything was so much sharper. The feel of denim against her legs, the smell of the air, the wind whispering through the trees. Her entire body tingled, as though someone was running a soft brush all over her skin.

Suddenly Buffy spun, swinging the axe with one hand to whirl on the figure behind her. (THAT SENTENCE NEEDS WORK. THIS IS JUST A “IMHO” THING, BUT SINCE YOU’RE IN HER POV, SHOULDN’T THE READER BE TOLD WHY SHE DECIDED TO SPIN AND SWING?) A hand gripped her wrist, (PHYSICS-TYPE QUESTION: WHAT HAPPENS TO THE AXE? UNLIKE HATCHETS, THEY TEND TO BE BIG SUCKERS. WOULDN’T INERTIA KEEP IT MOVING AND PULL IT OUT OF HER HAND?) and she reflexively kicked out, her foot connecting with the shadowy figure’s head.

“Bloody hell! Can’t you just say hello?”

Buffy relaxed as she recognised Spike’s voice. “Can’t you just leave me alone?”

Spike stepped out of the shadows and lit a cigarette. The moonlight played across his skin, dancing over his chiselled jawline and highlighting his blond hair. “Oh come on Slayer, you don’t really want that. Especially not after what we did the last time you came sniffing round my crypt.”

“What I really want is for you to leave me the hell alone. Get over your crush.”

“Every time, the same old spiel. ‘I couldn’t love you, you mean nothing, leave me alone.’ And yet we still end up fucking. Every time. Tell me, how come you claim to despise me, yet every time I turn around you’re there, looking for sex?”

Buffy snorted with derision. “That’s insane. You’re an evil vampire. Plus you’re really not as attractive as you think you are. The only reason I haven’t staked you yet is pity.” She turned to walk away.

Spike grabbed her arm and pulled her back. “Buffy! I love you.”

“No you don’t. You’re not a man; you’re just a monster with a leash on him.” (TO ME, “WITH A LEASH ON HIM” SOUNDS A TAD AWKWARD. MAYBE “ON A LEASH”) Buffy pulled her arm free and walked away, trying to ignore the feelings dragging her back.

“Honey?” (I’M SOOO CONFUSED! IN OTHER WORDS, I THINK YOU NEED SOME SORT OF TRANSITION MARKER. ONE OTHER NIT, THIS IS THE THIRD SWITCH IN THE STORY AND ALL HAVE, TO THIS NON-BUFFY WATCHER, SEEMED ABRUPT. THERE WAS NO HINT ABOUT WHY THE STORY SHIFTED FROM THE OPENING SCENE TO THE CEMETERY, FOR INSTANCE.)

Willow opened her eyes to see Tara leaning over her. A smile spread across her face and she lifted her head to kiss her girlfriend. (IMHO, THOSE LAST TWO SENTENCES NEED WORK. FOR ONE THING, “HER” APPEARS FIVE TIMES AND SOME OF THOSE IN THE SECOND SENTENCE ARE A LITTLE INDEFINITE. FOR INSTANCE, THE FIRST “HER” IN THE SECOND SENTENCE COULD REFER TO EITHER CHARACTER.) “Hey you. What time is it?”

Tara glanced at her watch. “Uh, about half eleven. Sorry I wasn’t home earlier sweetie. Did I ruin dinner?”

Willow suddenly shot up out of the chair. “Dinner!”

The kitchen was full of smoke and the dinner was long since charred beyond recognition. Willow pulled out the blackened remains and offered them to Tara. “Ta-da?” she asked uncertainly.

Tara laughed. “It’s okay sweetie. I wasn’t hungry anyway. Not for food at least.”

Willow shoved the blackened plate onto the worktop and pulled Tara close. Their lips met and Willow thrilled in the (STYLE SUGGESTION: CHANGE “IN THE” TO “AS A” OTHERWISE, IT SOUNDS LIKE SHE’S THRILLED NOT BY THE KISS BUT HER REACTION, “THE SPARKLE OF ELECTRICITY”) sparkle of electricity that ran through her body. It seemed like every sense was alive as never before. Her hands grasped at Tara, as if scared that she might slip through her fingers. She could feel Tara caress her, palms sliding over the silk of her blouse to move onto her breasts. Willow shuddered as Tara’s expert hands played with her, her nipples stiffening at the touch.

(ANOTHER JARRING TRANSITION)

Dawn threw the textbook away and flopped back onto the bed. This was pointless; she wasn’t going to learn anything tonight. She’d been staring at the same page for fifteen minutes without reading a single word.

She couldn’t stop thinking about her rejection by Carlo earlier that day. What was wrong with her? Dawn slid off the bed and walked over to the full-length mirror in the corner of her room. She thought she looked fairly attractive; long hair surrounding elfin features with a tall, slender body. Yet boys didn’t seem to be able to get away from her quickly enough.

Dawn posed in front of the mirror, cupping her breasts (, TRYING TO MAKE?) to try and make them appear fuller. No pose gave her the drop-dead gorgeous look that she wanted. She sat back down on the bed, dejected. It wasn’t fair. All of her friends pulled boys on a regular basis. Why couldn’t she do it?

It was made all the worse by the fact that she knew (STYLE STUFF: THE “IT…KNEW” IS A LOT OF WORDS THAT COULD BE CONDENSED. OF COURSE, YOU’RE NOT WRITING A READER’S DIGEST CONDENSED BOOK, BUT THOSE “EXTRA” WORDS MAY BE ONE OF THE REASONS THE STORY SEEMS SLOW TO SOME FOLKS. ONE POSSIBLE ALTERNATIVE: “KNOWING THAT EVERYONE ELSE WAS HAVING SEX TONIGHT ONLY MADE THINGS WORSE.” NOW MY IDEA MAY BE CRAP, PROBABLY IS IN FACT, BUT WE’VE GONE FROM 18 WORDS TO 12 – WHOOPEE!) everyone else was having sex tonight. Anya and Xander were on holiday together in Barbados and Tara and Willow were having a ‘special’ night alone. The only other person who wasn’t fucking tonight was Buffy.

(ANOTHER ABRUPT TRANSITION)

Buffy slammed into the wall, pulling Spike back with her. They kissed again, (I DON’T THINK THEY EVEN KISSED THE FIRST TIME IN THIS STORY.) their lips pressing together as they groped furiously at each other. Spike’s hands tore at Buffy’s blouse, ripping it away from her body while her hands fumbled with his leather trousers. She yelped as Spike’s face changed, turning from chiselled blond into vampire, and his grip on her body tightened. He kissed her again, his teeth sinking into her lip and she ran her hands over the contorted muscles of his face. With a sudden growl he ripped her jeans away as though they were nothing, tossing the ruined clothes to the corner.

They slammed into the wall again and Buffy gasped as she felt Spike’s mouth at her neck. (THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN SPIKE AND BUFFY MAY BE WELL UNDERSTOOD BY FAITHFUL VIEWERS, BUT SINCE HE’S NOW IN VAMPIRE FORM, WOULDN’T HAVING HIM A HER NECK CAUSE JUST A LITTLE TREPIDATION?) She reached up above her head and found a grip on the rock wall as Spike slid down her body and began to pay attention to her pussy.

(FOR WHAT IT’S WORTH, I’LL KEEP POINTING OUT THE ABRUPT TRANSITIONS)

Tara lay back on the table, her wrists pinned above her head by Willow’s hand. Willow watched her, loving the noise of her lover’s heavy breathing. With an arcane hand motion, ropes appeared from nowhere, fastening around Tara’s arms, binding her to the table. Tara gasped at the rough touch of the rope and Willow smiled as she moved her hands onto her girlfriend’s heaving breasts.

Willow moved (IN THE LAST SENTENCE SHE “MOVED” HER HANDS) her lips to Tara’s ear. “Do you feel that?” she murmured.

“The alignment.”

“Mmm.” An involuntary moan escaped from Willow as the energies of the alignment filled her body. She started to speak, harsh Latin phrases echoing around the kitchen as she incanted the first of the spells she’d memorised earlier that day.

(ANOTHER ONE)

Dawn sat on her beanbag in front of the mirror, admiring her naked body. It looked sexier somehow, as though something had changed. She ran her hands over her skin and shivered at the sensations it evoked. Her fingers lingered on her breast, squeezing gently, then toying with the nipple. Dawn gasped, (JUST A “FOR WHAT IT’S WORTH” IN THE LAST SIX PARAGRAPHS, BUFFY’S GASPED, TARA’S GASPED, AND NOW DAWN HAS GASPED. MIGHT WANT TO SLIP IN A MOAN, GROAN, OR EVEN AN INHALED SHARPLY.) feeling her aureolae crinkle as her nipples hardened in her palm.

She watched as her image in the mirror moved its hand down her body. (NICE VISUAL) It brushed over her belly before moving between her legs, a fingertip brushing (THE SENTENCE BEGAN “IT BRUSHED”) against her labia. Dawn’s breathing caught with every movement, her body racked with the sensations of each brief feather touch.

(A DOUBLE: ANOTHER GASPER AND ANOTHER ABRUPT TRANSITION)

Tara gasped, her breathing hitching as she felt Willow slide between her legs. She writhed on the table, pulling against the bonds that secured her hands and feet, trying to gather enough slack to move her pussy onto her girlfriend’s mouth. Willow paused, holding herself just inches from Tara’s pussy, allowing her breath to play across it. With the spells she’d cast, even that small sensation would soon have Tara moaning.

Tara whimpered, the sound leaking from her mouth as the (OMIT “THE”) frustration overwhelmed her. Willow trailed one finger along the smooth skin of Tara’s thigh, smiling as her girlfriend shuddered, before moving it over her pussy. Willow lowered her head to Tara’s folds and began to lick. (EVERY SENTENCE IN THAT PARAGRAPH BEGINS WITH A NAME.)

The feeling of Willow’s tongue was mindblowing and Tara arched her back, trying to force more of her pussy into her girlfriend’s mouth. (TWO PARAGRAPHS AGO, YOU USED THE PHRASE, “HER PUSSY ONTO HER GIRLFRIEND’S MOUTH.”) She could feel herself getting more and more excited by Willow’s slow, deliberate touches, the frustration between each movement increasing the flush of pleasure. She groaned, feeling the throbbing ecstasy inside reach a new peak with each touch.

Willow spoke, the guttural Latin muffled by her attentions to her girlfriend’s pussy. A rush of heat flooded through Tara’s body and she screamed out Willow’s name as it (WILLOW’S NAME OF THE RUSH OF HEAT?) overwhelmed her. Every muscle tensed and (NEED TO ADD “THEN,” OTHERWISE HER BODY IS DOING BOTH AT THE SAME TIME.) she collapsed into the pulsating rapture emanating from her pussy.

(TRANSITION)

Buffy closed her eyes and moaned as Spike entered her. Her hands grasped at the shelf of rock (I THINK SHE’S ALREADY DONE THAT & FOR WHAT IT’S WORTH, “HER” IS USED FOUR TIMES IN THIS SENTENCE.) and she felt him slide his hands under her thighs to support her while spreading her legs further. She whimpered as he began thrusting, her entire body concentrating on the sensations that he was evoking.

Spike moved one hand and roughly caressed her breast, enjoying the feeling of control. She moaned again as he ground his hips into hers and the sound was nearly enough to drive him over the edge. Spike’d never seen Buffy like this before; she was like a wild animal.

His hand moved lower, grazing over Buffy’s flat belly to touch her pussy. A heat built up inside her body and every muscle tensed as it grew hotter and harder to contain. Then his fingers touched her clit and Buffy screamed, (STYLE SUGGESTION: NEW SENTENCE) all of her passion exploding (IF NEW SENTENCE, “EXPLODED” AND LATER “SWAMPED”) from her in one wordless cry as her pleasure hit a new peak, wave after wave of ecstasy swamping her body.

Spike groaned as he felt Buffy (BUFFY’S LEG’S LOCK LIKE A…?) vice around him. Sparks exploded (IN THE LAST PARAGRAPH HAD, “HER PASSION EXPLODING”) behind his eyes and he thrust harder into her, his entire body shuddering as he came.

(ANOTHER ABRUPT TRANSITION)

Dawn’s finger traced the outline of her quim, revelling in the sensations she was causing. She spread her legs and watched in the mirror as one finger slid inside her. She moaned as rush of sensation whipped at her senses.

Her hand (MIGHT CHANGE “HER HAND” TO “SHE”. IMHO, “HER HAND” IS SELF-EVIDENT AND THE CHANGE WOULD MEAN “HER” APPEARS ONLY TWICE IN THE SENTENCE.) unconsciously squeezed her breast, causing another flash of pleasure to run through her body. Dawn shuddered and moved her fingers up to toy with her clit, circling all around it, brushing against it before moving away. Her clit was so sensitive that it was almost painful to touch; it was as though all of her senses had been amplified by two or three times.

(AAT = ANOTHER ABRUPT TRANSITION)

Dawn’s hips had begun to move in synchronisation with her hand, grinding with every motion. She whimpered, watching herself in the mirror as her fingers made direct contact with her clit. (AS IS, IT SOUNDS LIKE THE SIGHT MAKES HER WHIMPER.) The initial sensation was so intense that she almost cried out in pain and she shuddered as the arousal overwhelmed it (WORDY SENTENCE. “IT” WHAT, “THE INITIAL SENSATION”?). Every breath was coming in short sharp pants and her skin gleamed with a thin coating of sweat. Dawn could feel her arousal (USED “AROUSAL” TWO SENTENCES AGO.) building inside her, growing, then declining before swelling to a new peak of ecstasy. Each touch brought a new high, wave after wave overlapping until it all became one huge tsunami of pleasure, crashing over her body. Dawn cried out, a wordless moan of pleasure as her orgasm racked her body, every inch of her thrilling with the feelings.

(AAT)

The ruins of Sunnydale High were completely still. No creatures had ever taken refuge in the shattered shell of a (IT’S?) building and few humans ventured there. No-one wanted to go too close to the Hellmouth.

But now, something was stirring. Something far beneath the ruins. The earth began to rumble, a low throaty growl from deep underneath the surface. The ground shook, rattling what was left of the old school. Beams crashed down from what was left of the roof, knocking down walls as the building collapsed further into itself.

Something rose, clambering out of the Hellmouth. It paused for a second, taking stock of the wave of sexual energy that had called it and then began to change.

All around Sunnydale, people were cumming, their libidos amplified by the powers of the Alignment. And above the Hellmouth, something in the shape of a man began walking towards the centre of town.

 

[TheEarl]

Sorry about the strange transitions. Lit had issues with a new method of formatting that I’d been trying out. I’ll just stick to the three stars next time.

* * *

Buffy waved a hand at the books. “So why the heavy literature? Are you and Tara hitting those books tonight?”

“And now we go back to hiding in the corner.”

Is this confusing? You are the second person not to have understood this. I like this sentence, but if no-one gets it, then it’s a bit pointless. The idea is that instead of hitting the books to research possible threats, Tara and Willow are going to be hitting the books about Better Sex Through Witchcraft.


It’s weird to note just how much I’ve learned from this place. I’ve just gone through every single one of the critiques that I’ve been given from you people and the repair work on this story has come on in leaps and bounds. You may not notice the individual sentences that I’ve added, but they combine to make this a much better read IMHO.

Thank you all. Especially thanks to Killer Muffin who makes this place run.

The Earl

 

[Colleen Thomas]

Hey Earl,

It's kind of hard for me to give feedback on a lot of this because it's a fanfic and I have never even seen one episode of Buffy. I am so generally clueless to the workings of pop culture that I am almost an anacronism

That said, I thought it read well. I don't think the switching up hurts, but I do think a little more on each pairing would be good.


I don't exactly know how to say this and it might very well be my computer, but as I read this there are a lot of instances where words repeat. When I cut and pasted the passage to notepad it was fine and I don't know anything about computers, but one reason you may be getting lowered scores is if other people are seeing it like I am. It takes a pretty tight story and makes it seem full of errors. Probably just my fruitloop computer, but I thought I would mention it.

-Colly

 

[Chicklet]

Buffy waved a hand at the books. “So why the heavy literature? Are you and Tara hitting those books tonight?”

“And now we go back to hiding in the corner.”

Is this confusing?

I didn't think it was confusing; I thought it was cute. = )

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I have big reservations about even commenting on this story, since I'm not a fan, but you posted it here as a stand-alone piece and this non-fan did read it and was pretty well bewildered.

Fan fiction is very seductive. It's fun to do and, forgive me, it's easy. Your characters come pre-made and fully described, as does your ambience and usually the context for the sex. All you've got to do is keep them in chracater and let them go at it.

I don't mean to denigrate your story, Earl. But I think it's difficult for the writer of fan fiction to realize how it feels for the non-fan to follow and understand it. I suppose this isn't really that important, because non-fans are probably not going to read it.

The characters, how they look, how they talk, their history and their personalities, even the world they live in, are all taken for granted. The author just assumes that the reader knows these things, so he can ignore describing them all of them in the story. For the non-fan, it's a lot like listening to one, long in-joke

My main problem came with the intercutting between the cemetary and Tara and Dawn. I've gone and read the other comments and I see that there were some sort of separation indicators to signal the flashes back and forth that didn't show up in the Lit version. That's a major gaffe for me. It made the story into chop suey and I was lost after that initial scene cut.

It's interesting that when you write fan fiction about a TV show, in this case at least, you automatically take on the mannerisms and idiocyncrasies of television production: the scene cuts and all. That's a totally visual tool, very TV.

Not being a fan, I was lost as to what was going on between Spike and Buffy, know nothing of who Tara and Dawn and Willow were: 400 lb dykes? Spinsters? Spirits? I assume that they're young attractive women, but I could be wrong. In any case, much of the erotic meaning and tension of what's going on is lost when you don't know the TV show. I culd tell that the realtionship between Spike and Buffy was complicated and had a history, but exactly what it is, I can only guess. Another fan-fic drawback.

Since must of the erotic heat depends on knowing these characters, their personalities and their relationships, I can't much comment on how well the sex scenes work. As a non-fan it seemed okay. You do tend to often tell us in so many words that things "feel wonderful" to them, which I kind of hate to see. I think it's better to describe one concrete sensual detail that shows us how she must feel than give us those generalized tellings.

Anyhow.... As a writer, I stay away from fan fiction now because I think it makes me lazy. As far as I can tell it's a nice little piece, as far as I can tell.

---dr.M.

 

[TheEarl]

Fair enough points on the fanfic being impossible for non-fans to read, but I am writing for a specific audience. The only people who will read this story (apart from you people) are Buffy fans, who would get very narked at superfluous details. However, I will try and make it a little more accessible in the rewrite.

I have noticed that lack of details about characters is a common thing in my writing. I rarely give the reader an image of the character. Something to work on.

The thing with the scene cuts was a) totally my fault for not checking how it turned out on Lit and b) not entirely caused by television. One of my highest ranked stories on Lit and one of the most popular by feedback is Faeophobia, which has a few jumpy scene cuts across sex scenes. I wanted to see if I could replicate it. Apparently not .

Fan fiction is complete laziness, I agree. There's no need for character building and you know exactly what audience you're aiming for. However it is very difficult to pull off, especially in a show like Buffy which doesn't have that much in the way of sex. Your readers are bound to be big Buffy fans and they'll get very pissed if they don't like the way you've done it.

The Earl

 

[destinie21]

Hey Earl,
As a Fan of the show I have to say I actually liked the story. You captured the chracters well. I disagree with Dr M> about it being easy though. I think the prest characters may make it a little more difficult actually because when writing a fanfic (and you want it to be good) you need to develop the same language and attitude of the characters.

In any case the story does start off a little slow. Prehaps a flashback scene is in order. You could start the story off on a fast note and transition to the explanation. Generally I find if I start w/"the good bits" and then go into the plot and story people tend to enjoy it more. Or at least they claim to.

Another suggestion would be build up within the story. I like the feel of anticipation even if it's after the initial sex.(or in some cases in leiu of sex) votherwise you totally captured the Buffiness.

ps: You could always do as I do and on some stories say fuck the readers I like it. My fav story out of the ones I've written isn't the one that recived the highest vote.

 

[TheEarl]

I appear to have picked up some Buffy fans recently who have propelled the score to new heights, so instead of being in the low 3s it is now at 4.3. The rewrite will still occur though. The pursuit of perfection is what keeps me honest.

The Earl

 

[bridgeburner]

Okay, witness me bounding boldly out of the closet: I am a huge Buffy & Angel fan. I've seen every episode of both series and have been known to discuss plotlines and character development at length as if these were real people. Granted, my friends and I always laugh at the absurdity of it, but then we go right back to our discussion.

So, I'm coming at this with a fan's perspective even though I am not the sort of fan who reads fan-fiction.

First I want to say that you've done an excellent job with the dialogue particularly the phrase "I've lost my train of tantrum". I don't recall if I've heard that in the show but if it wasn't there it should have been. Great job.

Major quibble with fucking, though. Granted, if Buffy weren't made for television they might actually use the word fuck, but because they don't, it sounds strange to hear Dawn of all people use it. Spike, not so much, but because they DO talk about sex on Buffy quite a bit they've got all kinds of funny euphemisms for it and not to hear them from these characters is a bit strange.

You've done a great job with the American voice but half eleven should be Eleven-thirty and trousers should be pants.

I don't - oh wait, there was one other passage that struck me odd. When Dawn comes in and announces her bad day:

“You will not believe what I have just had to deal with at school today!”

It's a bit stiff/formal. Try "You will not believe what I had to deal with at school today"


Okay, on to the sex:

Because of the choppiness of it --- even with visual signifiers of the shifts --- I could never work up a good pulse rate. I need to concentrate a little bit on what I'm doing in order to get "into" things and the constant back and forth was jarring. Part of that is because the scene between Tara and Willow is kind of "fuzzy" and the scene between Buffy and Spike is already going full-bore by the time we get there. Dawn is rather detached from her masturbation -- her hand does all this stuff and she watches and gasps and catches her breath as if she has no control over what she's doing.

There's something different going on in each scene: Tara and Willow have a romantic, loving committed relationship that isn't changed by their flirting with bondage. Spike and Buffy have no idea what's wrong with them but they feel a need to both conquer and surrender to the other person and they fight it constantly which is why their sex is so violent all the time. Dawn is discovering herself without the distraction of a lover.

I think you need to go back and focus on those differences in order to make the scenes more visceral. It would also help not to be changing POV within both the Willow/Tara and Buffy/Spike scenes.

Willow is the dominant character in the series however interesting Tara might be. Willow was the one doing the research on the Venusian Alignment. She's the one with the sexy plans for the evening. Let us make love to Tara through Willow. What's sexy for them is how much they love one another. Every woman's got a pussy. What is it about Tara especially that gets Willow going? Does she have a ticklish spot that only Willow knows about? Do they have their own rituals? Might they talk to one another and exchange love-words? Willow and Tara are both pretty verbal. They talk to each other all the time. It's how they fell in love. Use their conversation to seduce them and the reader.

Spike and Buffy are equally conflicted about their relationship. I don't have any problem getting an omniscient POV of them trying to screw each other into submission, but remember that they are as emotionally drawn to one another as they are sexually. Unlike Willow and Tara, Buffy and Spike can hardly talk about their relationship at all but their body language and the telling looks speak volumes. Quibble: Pussy. Well, yeah, okay, but cunt is better. It's a Spike word. It's also harsher and more blunt and suits this particular encounter. They are raw and bestial. Let her claw him and let him go ahead and bite her shoulder or her breast. That's half the allure of fucking a vampire --- are you going to get bitten at the moment of climax? You've done a good job with the frenzy of this scene but you fall out of it occasionally. ---ex "he began to pay attention to her pussy" why not "he buried his face between her legs". Specificity doesn't have to be gynecological but if you're too vague things aren't just "nice" they're generic.



Dawn - Remember that howver much Dawn feels the hook to this segment is what she sees. She's looking into a mirror. I want to see the flesh of her breast plump up in her hands and the bounce of her flesh when she lets go, whether her nipples are pointed or blunt and what color they turn as her arousal grows. What does her sex look like? The line of her thigh as she spreads her legs. Her heartbeat can quicken and her skin flush and her breathing may become irregular, but it can't be a surprise to her every time she feels something unless this is the first time she's ever masturbated in which case you need to mention it. Dawn is seducing herself and falling in love with the sight of her own body in the mirror. She's playing the role of both voyeur and exhibitionist. Michelle Trachtenberg has an incredibly luscious mouth. When women play seductress in the mirror they look at their faces first --- actually when people in general try to seduce they look at faces first. It's where the eyes are.


Okay, I'm ready to bend over at any time now and receive "the boot". I think you've done well with this and it's so far the only piece of fan fiction I've ever read that I've liked, but I think you could make it stronger -- hotter. I do have every conficence in your ability to do so, however.


-B

 

[bridgeburner]

Sorry to be so late!

I just looked and realized that you may already be into or even done with your re-write by this time. Sorry I didn't get here sooner!



-B

 

[Guest]

Earl, you've had my feedback already. I want to emphasize what a fine Buffy and critical eye Bridgeburner has. Do what he says.

Pear

 

[Guest]

Earl, at your special request I've given this another read. You've done very well by the characters and their dialogue, i.e., the Buffy verse and tone. I had no problem following the different scenes; I liked going back and forth, in an out, of them. The ending is very good, ominous and expectant.

The following is simple criticism, take it or leave it.

Good work, Pear
--------------------------------------------------------------

“You need to revise for your exams. Willow can deal with this. Right Will?”
- Do you mean review?

Spike: shagging vs. fucking; fucking stands out and jars; shagging would fit better given Spike and the general tone of the show.

Her hands grasped at Tara, as if scared that she might slip through her fingers.
- Hands can’t be scared; that's how it reads.

She could feel Tara caress her, palms sliding over the silk of her blouse to move onto her breasts.
- Those six words say nothing; of course one feels a caress (unless they're utterly numb). This kind of thing is where you really need to 'show' it, vs. tell; otherwise leave it out.

With a sudden growl he ripped her jeans away as though they were nothing, tossing the ruined clothes to the corner.
What does that mean? Nothing is the wrong word, be more descriptive (as though they were tissue; that kind of thing).

as Spike slid down her body and began to pay attention to her pussy.
- Too odd a phrase, too markedly nondescript.

her body racked with the sensations of each brief feather touch.
- racked doesn't sound right; it fits with torture not pleasure.

pulling against the bonds that secured her hands and feet, trying to gather enough slack to move her pussy onto her girlfriend’s mouth. Willow paused, holding herself just inches from Tara’s pussy, [and in next para, and next]
- pussy is too 'pussy'; and so many following upon each other. you needn't use a variety of euphemisms, rearrange the sentences and phrases so you don't have to keep using pussy or whatever.

Dawn’s finger traced the outline of her quim,
- then all of a sudden we get quim; jarring in the entire context.

She moaned as a rush of sensation whipped at her senses.
- just missing the article; but the sentence is too 'telling', again.

it was as though all of her senses had been amplified by two or three times.
- leave off the numbers; amplified is fine, or use adverbs; using numbers is delimiting.

she almost cried out in pain and she shuddered as the arousal overwhelmed it. Every breath was coming in short sharp pants and her skin gleamed with a thin coating of sweat. Dawn could feel her arousal building inside her,
- two 'arousals' too close. You need a dictionary or thesaurus.

Dawn cried out, a wordless moan of pleasure as her orgasm racked her body, every inch of her thrilling with the feelings.
- again, find another word; racked is trite.

All around Sunnydale, people were cumming, their libidos amplified by the powers of the Alignment.
- too simple; expand it. Amplified sticks out given its use above.