Discussion: The Earl

KillerMuffin

Seraphically Disinclined
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Posts
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Hey, it's my own personal Jiminy Cricket's turn!

TheEarl said:
Hi all. Have decided to let you deride one of my stories again. The story is 'From a Boeing 747' http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=85100.

A few questions:
Did the blurb ("She started by reading over his shoulder") grab you?
Do you think this story should be in this category?
Is the sex hot enough? Was there enough of it?
Did the dirty talk work? Or did it sound stupid?

The Earl
 
Hey Earl!

Read your story (guess if I was answering that post and hadn't read your story it would be pretty dumb)

Okay your questions. The beginning, when she's reading over his shoulder, that was awsome. The inner dialogue and the talk between the two characters was very natural and in fact very captivating. I smiled, I laughed, I giggled, it made me happy. It sort of reminded me of the relationship between Dory and Marlin in Finding Nemo (I know your story came out before Nemo, but I really like Nemo, so I had to mention it)

Should it be in "Toys and masturbation?" I don't know. It *was* masturbation, but I guess I think of the stories in that section to be solo masturbation. Unfortunatly I can't think of a category that would have suited it better...there isn't really an answer for that one, in which case I would say that Toys is just as good as any.

Hot sex? I thought it was hot = ) Enough of it? There was, honestly, a perfect amount imho.

The dirty talk...hmm...I thought that the dirty talk was okay until I read "I feel so sexy." I think that that is a little odd...but, then, I'm not one for dirty talk. All in all the dirty talk was great.

Your story kicked major butt. Congrats. Gave you a 5 btw = )

-Chicklet
 
Did the blurb ("She started by reading over his shoulder") grab you?
I loved your opening. I think maybe he came across as a little "primo donny", but all in all it was a fun bit of reading.
You also mentioned the fact that he couldn't get any work done once she stopped peeking, then he couldn't get any writing done once he fed her his story and then suddenly the words were flying from his pen because she was reading. I was a little confused in all that. Actually, it's the way life behaves, erratic and messy and all in all, entertaining.
Do you think this story should be in this category?
Well, it doesn't really fit neatly into any story category so maybe you could have put it into Erotic Couplings, which seems to be the bane of all lit author's existences.
the sex hot enough? Was there enough of it?
Sure. More please! Don't mind me I'm just a horn dog that way!
Did the dirty talk work? Or did it sound stupid?
You tend to lump all of the dialogue together and then all of the descriptions separate. Maybe you could mix it up a little?
Try:
“Oh God, yes that’s it. Mmmm, yes!" My other hand was running over her breasts, sliding over the silky skin and down to her narrow waist, "Oh that’s good." Her skin was so soft and so warm. Each new place I touched elicited another sotto voce whimper.
"Oh you’re making me so horny, I feel so sexy!" She bucked as my fingers curled up to touch her G-spot then slid away, corkscrewing out before sliding back in to arouse her further. "Ah. Ohh, yes, I feel, that feels so good, oh god!"


I liked your story a lot and thankyou for dragging me over to read your work.

Masturbating while reading can make your scroll arrow sticky!

Carrie (xxxotica, champagne1982)
 
Hello, everyone! Thought I'd pop back in and give The Earl a look see.

Overall, I thought the story was a bit light hearted and sexy. I liked that. The combination worked here.

As to your questions:

Did the blurb ("She started by reading over his shoulder") grab you?

Yeah, but I wonder if it did because I write and I also write while flying. Seems kind of like a personal thing, you know? It might not have the same effect on some one who doesn't write. But then, I think most of us have had that nosey seat mate at least once during our travels, right?

Do you think this story should be in this category?

Absolutely. Mutual masturbation. Something that interests many people. I think if this had been in Erotic Couplings, readers would be disappointed.

Is the sex hot enough? Was there enough of it?

It was hot enough for this story, yes. More of it would have been over the edge and not very realistic. (Though who says stories here must be realistic, right?)

Did the dirty talk work? Or did it sound stupid?

I'm used to a lot of dirty talk, so I thought this was tame in comparison to what I've read or written. For the most part, no, it didn't sound stupid at all. The only thing that stuck out at me, and this might be purely cultural, was the use of the word "horny". For me, it just didn't seem to fit to say that she saw him as being horny. Sexy? Yes. Desirable? Yes. Fuckable? Yes. Horny, in the context used here, seemed a little off to me. Minor point, I know, and certainly did not detract from the story at all!

Thought you did a great job!
 
Adding to the excellent feedback you have already been given...

Hello Earl,

Yes, I really liked this story, but you already know that since I read it when you first posted it.

To me it felt like a quirky ‘R’ rated sitcom. I mean couldn’t you just see Jerry Seinfeld in this situation, if his shows didn't have to be all 'G' rated?

The blurb, to be honest, didn’t ‘grab’ me. Put it this way, if it wasn’t one of your stories, it wouldn’t have drawn my attention. It really says nothing to entice and gives no indication of what the story is about. I know the title tells me it's about air travel, but would someone who has a fantasy about sex in the sky or masturbating with someone look at this and say “ Wow! I gotta read this?” I don't think so. Perhaps a mention of the ‘mile high club’ would have said more? Or just something a little more titillating I guess. After all it is a very titillating story.

I think you made the right choice with the category, although it would have probably slotted equally well into Erotic Couplings. Most stories do tend to spill over into other areas don’t they? And quite often that’s what makes them so interesting.

Sex, was there enough? Well really Earl what is ‘enough’? Personally I like a little story with my erotic read. Others prefer to get down and dirty from start to finish. For me at any rate too, and I imagine others are the same, it can depend on my mood. I’m not too prissy to admit - I don’t mind a good stroke story occasionally.

From where I was reading the dialog looked fine. I like the way you included your ‘story within a story’ too.

Did the dirty talk work? Yes I felt it had the tiniest bit of satire which, for me, just makes an erotic story that little be more fun to read.

A few odd things I noted as I read were:

I sighed. “Will you leave me alone if I let you?”

“Sure.”


It’s a minor and personal thing, but I would have preferred her to reply, “Maybe’ rather than ‘Sure’. I think it would have created more of a tease.

Now my surreptitious sideways glances were trying to gauge her reaction rather than gauge her bra size.

I know this is super picky but I don’t think you needed the second ‘gauge’

“Yeah. Fraid I am.”

And being super duper picky, I think this should be ‘Yeah. ‘fraid I am.” But I could be wrong. It wouldn’t be the first time and it won’t be the last if I am.

Overall I enjoyed this story very much. It’s short, sweet, and very sexy. It's a winner!

I wish you well with your future writing.

Have a great day, :)

Alex. (fem)
 
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Thanks all for the comments. I'm currently considering recording this story as an audio story. Whaddya think?

The Earl
 
Hey, great story, Earl!

Who cares what category it was in? It was a cracking idea - a good twist on the whole mile high concept.

I thought some of the dialogue was slightly off key here and there, but only slightly and that kind of thing can come down to taste.

Hot enough? I think so as far as it went - this was great because it's that kind of story that leaves the reader with something to go away and imagine what happens next. I personally like that kind of story quite a bit - and you can usually find an 'open' end in my stories too, to some extent. Some people don't like that, they want more and more and a big full-on scene, but hey. There's plenty of that elsewhere.

I thought you could have challenged yourself a little more by trying to hint here and there at character backgrounds. The two of them were fairly straightforward characters and that's fine for a short piece like this, but it might have been good to try and find ways of hinting at backstory without resorting to flashbacks and without interrupting the pace.

Cracking - well done.

Max



p.s. fingers crossed for tomorrow morning, eh? Those Aussies deserve a good crushing defeat.
 
TheEarl said:
Thanks all for the comments. I'm currently considering recording this story as an audio story. Whaddya think?

The Earl


And get to hear that sexy English accent as well? Yes, please!
 
TheEarl said:
Thanks all for the comments. I'm currently considering recording this story as an audio story. Whaddya think?

The Earl

this would be a fun one to read aloud, I think = ) only problem would be that there's so much dialogue, but I think you could do it = )
 
Now my surreptitious sideways glances were trying to gauge her reaction rather than gauge her bra size.

Haha! Perfect realism. Whenever someone is reading something funny of mine I'm always going 'What? what? which bit?' at every single laugh. If art is a sublimation of sex, successful art must be more compelling than the original.

You seem too…nice for it.” A sentence caught her eye. “Wow. That’s…that’s really fucking horny.”

LOL again. The instant transition from primness to arousal promises much from her.

On the whole, this is about as believable as any swift attraction story can be; which, I'm afraid, for me, is not very much. Pity, because it's always a nice fantasy.
 
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TheEarl,

You done did good, big guy. Of course, you were already a pretty good writer when you first showed up at the Lit. portal, all hungry for feedback and starving for a place to post, but this story shows how much you've improved.

Here are a few IMHO type items just so you don't feel I'm short changing you.

I noticed the_bragis said she liked the "story within a story". Taking heed of her opinion is always a good idea. But for whatever it's worth, I didn't like that segment. IMHO, it lasted too long and got me out of the story.

Like MaxSebastian, I would have prefered a little background on the protag., maybe even a name or two, although I can see where that might spoil the "zipless fuck" aspects of the story.

Congratulations on a well done story.

Rumple Foreskin

--

Now for some really picky points:

It came out a bit louder than I’d expected it to. (OMIT "IT TO.")

--

"She was stunningly pretty: long blonde hair flowing almost to the small of her back surrounding wonderfully petite features. "

RF: I've been told, that whenever possible, it's best to avoid colons and semi-colons when writing fiction. In this case, "with" would have made the sentence smoother than the colon. Also, as currently written, some folks might initially think "small of her back" instead of "long blonde hair" modifies "surrounding wonderfully petite features"

--

“Go to sleep!”

“I’m not tired.”

“Do something else then! Just stop reading over my shoulder!”

Cute exchange, but IMHO, that's a lot of exclamation points for a conversation on a plane.

--

There was an uneasy minute of silence and I actually started to believe that (OMIT "THAT") she was going to leave me alone.

--

I closed the notebook and started banging my head on the seat in front of me.

RF: Came across as hyperbole. My first thought was how is the passenger in that seat going to respond?

--

She bent over to pick up the bits of the story that she’d dropped and tried to rearrange them in her lap. (OMIT EVERYTHING AFTER "DROPPED")

RF: IMHO, deleting that phrase makes this sentence read better and, in light of his finishing picking up the papers in the next paragraph, it also makes more sense.

--

Her other hand released the notepad, moving to press a finger to my lips.

RF: This is really picky, subjective, style stuff but you haven't given me much else to chew on. Anyway, IMHO, this sentence could be improved. For starters, "Her other hand" is self-evident. Maybe "She released the notebook and pressed a finger to my lips."

--

Everything else disappeared; (NEW SENTENCE) my entire world was just her hand and her voice, driving me to ecstasy.

--

“Depends what you’re inspiring me to though.”

RF: That sentence just flat out confuses me.

--

My other hand was running over her breasts, sliding over the silky skin...

RF: Over and over his hands ran and slid. :)

--

You got questions, I got answers.

Did the blurb ("She started by reading over his shoulder") grab you? NO

Do you think this story should be in this category? YES

Is the sex hot enough? YES

Was there enough of it? YES

Did the dirty talk work? YES

Or did it sound stupid? NO
 
Rumple Foreskin said:

"She was stunningly pretty: long blonde hair flowing almost to the small of her back surrounding wonderfully petite features. "

RF: I've been told, that whenever possible, it's best to avoid colons and semi-colons when writing fiction. In this case, "with" would have made the sentence smoother than the colon.

No, no, no! Why, why, why? You end up with nothing but monotonous chunks: clause, full stop. Clause, full stop. Clause, comma, and clause, comma, then clause. Dreadful! Writing is losing its power because this pernicious nonsense is being peddled.

Write for balance, tone, delicacy, emphasis, contrast; write long when long is needed, and short when short is; conjoin when it's better conjoined, and divide elsewhere: show your breaths, show the tone of voice, show the reader how to move and how to breathe and how it will continue. You can't do this with nothing but commas.

The diminishing use of half the range of punctuation is a tragedy. Resist!


There was an uneasy minute of silence and I actually started to believe that (OMIT "THAT") she was going to leave me alone.

Why omit? It sounds just as good with it. It's an extra syllable, an extra beat, so gives just one more breath, slows it down just a little. Maybe that's what stylistically the author wanted.

'Omit needless words' is a terrible idea if it's just interpreted to mean 'omit any words that can be'. Omit only those that don't help. If there's a stylistic choice between 'among' and 'amongst', 'believe' and 'believe that', 'on' and 'upon', choose that one which at that moment, in that place, seems to aid the flow better.


Everything else disappeared; (NEW SENTENCE) my entire world was just her hand and her voice, driving me to ecstasy.

No no no! Screw the whale, save the semicolon. 'Everything else disappeared' is a dud sentence; it doesn't have any content unless it's meant to convey an isolated stillness like in a well. The following clause explains it: here's how everything disappeared, my entire world closing in to this and that. The clause 'Everything else disappeared' is far better attached to its explanation.

The semicolon could be a colon, which is often used in an explanatory way, but I prefer the immediacy of the semicolon.

Resist! Resist!
 
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Rainbow Skin,

Your comments reflect the reality of both writing and reading fiction, that some folks prefer Proust to Hemingway and vice versa. In other words, tastes vary. What I gave TheEarl were just some suggestions, not admonishments.

I personally don't care if a fiction writer uses a colon or semi-colon in every sentence. As I understand it, the theory behind avoiding them whenever possible in fiction is that they tend to draw attention to themselves and can toss the reader out of the story.

In light of the existence of such forms of punctuation as em's, dashes, and the oft-misused elipses, your comment that colons and semi-colons are "half the range of punctuation" does seem a tad overwrought. It isn't a matter of "resisting" or "yielding" it's a function of using what is most effective.

--

There was an uneasy minute of silence and I actually started to believe that (OMIT "THAT") she was going to leave me alone.

Why omit? It sounds just as good with it.

RF: In your opinion, maybe so. In my opinion, it reads better with, "that," a superfluous word, omitted. TheEarl is the final judge of what's best for his work. His opinion is the only one that counts.

--

Everything else disappeared; (NEW SENTENCE) my entire world was just her hand and her voice, driving me to ecstasy.

No no no! Screw the whale, save the semicolon. 'Everything else disappeared' is a dud sentence; it doesn't have any content unless it's meant to convey an isolated stillness like in a well.

RF: "He went to the river. The river was there." Now granted, the guy who wrote those sentences only won a Nobel Prize for literature, but maybe it makes a point. If not, chalk it up to a difference in taste.

Rumple Foreskin
 
See, now that's what I like about this forum: the full and frank exchange of punches. I wanna see a good clean fight - Let's get it on!

Seriously: I use semi-colons way too much. If you read my work, you'll see them scattered around in tons and tons of places and that's after WSO (GBHLCS) has been through and picked out most of them. However I disagree with RF's assertion that the semi-colons take the reader out of the story. An unnecessary semi-colon sometimes looks like pretentiousness and can be distracting, but IMHO properly used, semi colons can convey my thoughts much clearer than 'standard' punctuation. Do we not trust the reader to know about semi-colons?

BTW. The two sentences were taken out of context because they were short and sharp to emphasise a point. Mine was more of a run-on situation.

However praise is always gratefully accepted and I remain in awe of RF's editing capabilities.

The Earl

PS. The audio version is in the works.
 
Rumple,

You know I found your comments on the 'story within a story' interesting - you didn't like it and it took you 'out of the story'.

You know a lot of male reader may have the same problem with it. I was reading a while back it’s a fact that men can only think of one thing at a time. We women are different, we can have two, three, or even four thoughts in our heads at the same time.

Don’t you sometimes wish you were a woman, Rumple? ;)

Alex.
 
"We women are different, we can have two, three, or even four thoughts in our heads at the same time.

"Don’t you sometimes wish you were a woman, Rumple?"

Alex

--

Now that gives me two good reasons (along with multiple orgasms) to think being a female-type, lady person of the opposite sex might be interesting. :) But until science has a sure cure for menstrual cramps and dumb guys, I'll pass.

Rumple Foreskin
 
Rumple Foreskin said:
There was an uneasy minute of silence and I actually started to believe that (OMIT "THAT") she was going to leave me alone.

Why omit? It sounds just as good with it.

RF: In your opinion, maybe so. In my opinion, it reads better with, "that," a superfluous word, omitted. TheEarl is the final judge of what's best for his work. His opinion is the only one that counts.

Actually, grammatically, Rainbow is right.

Let's play sentence breakdown.

"There was an uneasy minute of silence and I actually started to believe that she was going to leave me alone"

Let's start by getting rid of non-essentials. We'll pare it down to subject-predicate-object-adjectival clause. We'll ignore the inifinitive for clarity.

Subject: I
Predicate: believe
Object: that
Adjectival subordinate clause: she was going to leave me alone.

If you got ride of that, what is the object of the predicate? "She".

I believe that.
I believe she.

Populare usage has it that you can omit that if the flow of the sentence and meaning is not disrupted by its omission. However, the purpose of "that" in this sentence structure is to provide a definitive object for the predicate.

I'd say to leave it in. There are cases where the flow of the sentence is disrupted by the word--in which case remove it. In this sentence, however, if you removed it the you could theoretically be left with three predicates instead of two: There was, I started, she was.
 
KillerMuffin said:
Actually, grammatically, Rainbow is right.

They are both correct (syntactically).
KM, I want some of that hallucinogenic substance you must have been on when you posted this. :)

I believed that she was going to leave me alone.

If "that" is the object, omitting it certainly does not make the next word down the line the object. Where did you get that kind of rule? The omitted word is still the (now implied) object.

But that is irrelevant. Your whole analysis is incorrect. "That" is a conjuction -- it cannot be and certainly is not the object in that sentence. The true object of "believed" is the whole clause "she was going to leave me alone" -- called a noun clause which is introduced by "that." The sentence is correct with or without (implied) the word "that" and its structure and meaning are unchanged.

I agree with RF that (in this context) the sentence flows better without "that," but that is purely a matter of literary taste.
 
I read this initially when it was posted in the forum and then again today, I like to let stories stew abit before giving detailed comment.

First, the story within the story. hitting on a pet peeve of mine and 2 words I hate, this might be a place where it is better to tell than to show. What I mean is it sticks out. Even just scrolling from top to bottom that area is like .... oh remeber when the 'cool' thing in web oages was to make text flash? and it was as annoying as hell? yeah like that only not as bad.

Its like teaching someone to drive a stick. Its like a bad analogy. *snicker* seriously, it left me feeling a little ajar from the story for well I still feel a little ajar. That and the 'Q' thing. I am still trying to think of names starting with Q and all I came up with so far is maybe she is named Queenie and that whole mental trail is a recipe for derailment.

I think the story within a story is needless, (and I'm a chick so its not just a guy thing not to like it)

Also if you have intentions of audoing it, it would be awkward.

OK now for something completely differant.

Wow you must fly nicer airlines that I do :) a relatively -new- movie? cool beans. I'm honestly not sure how I felt with the referances to the movie. Personally if I ever fly I swear to god they are showing homeward bound, seen the movie 5 times, never once on the ground. but I could relate to the you can't help watching it, I mean its right there! it kinda screws up getting anything else done on the plane at all.

The random trip through the cabin offering drinks seemed odd to me, they had taken off 2 hours before, there was some interplay, definately not more than an hours worth, then they were landing in 2 hours?

I just double checked and unless I am majorly misreading

". For the entire two hours that we?d been airborne, "

then interaction, then sex, than 2 hours to bangkok.

Way too fast. And a stewardess walking through the cabin with 2 hours left to go when everyone is sleeping seems odd. Then again I fly cheep airlines and they tend to hide after they give you your flat worm soda and your .25 oz bag of 'party mix' containing a pretzel a cheese curl and maybe a corn chip.

Its just the little stuff that really suspended my belief, in my experience airline blankets are just to small to be sueful for anything let alone hiding sexual interaction amoungst two people.

And people always seem awake on a place, maybe becasue they, like me, just can't get comfy and they get obsessed with who the F! does the stupid drawing in the safty cards, I mean heck they're all in 70s clothes ... did I say I fly cheep airlines already ;)

That all being said, I really liked the story itself. Although the female character annoyed me, and reminded me of someone I used to date, Hey its a quickie :) not like he was gonna fall in love with her. The transistion to the sex seemed nice, I mean the whole passing of the erotica, although alot of the niceness of the transition was lost on me becasue I was obsessing over the 2 paragraphs in italics.

I think my favorite part was the male character. how he was described, or lack thereof, truly let my imagination take over, when I was reading his parts I could just imagine him tensing his hands or something and his neck getting tight as the woman was driving him batty!

Thanks for posting this :)
Alex756
 
Alex756 said:
The random trip through the cabin offering drinks seemed odd to me, they had taken off 2 hours before, there was some interplay, definately not more than an hours worth, then they were landing in 2 hours?

I just double checked and unless I am majorly misreading

". For the entire two hours that we?d been airborne, "

then interaction, then sex, than 2 hours to bangkok.

Way too fast.


Oh dear. Well spotted Alex, you are actually the first person (including me) to notice that rather large plothole. Oops.

The audio of the story within the story (if I ever decide to upload it) is read by Perdita, so it'll give a different accent and a female voice to differentiate it from the text.

The Earl
 
Rainbow Skin said:
No, no, no! show your breaths, show the tone of voice, show the reader how to move and how to breathe and how it will continue. You can't do this with nothing but commas.


Sorry, RS, but I have to disagree. Sure, use any and all punctuation if you like, but being simple about it is much more readable. You can do everything else with the words. There are a couple of million of them in the english language. In this instance the semicolon is unnecessary, so it should be dispensed with. I use SC's myself a lot where it is necessary for the pacing of the words, but it's not needed for that here.

SC's used to be common practice, but they've now been edited out of most old works. Dig up an old copy of Jane Austen's novels and you'll see what I mean.
 
Oops!

Originally posted this in the wrong place. Never mind.

I actually wanted to say well done. Stood up (pardon the pun) as decent writing, for once (that for once was for lit, not you). A nice, easy read that felt natural and unforced. Feels like it needs a sequel, though, that it isn't quite complete in itself.

As I've written elsewhere, though, didn't actually turn me on, but I never like to criticise that. Maybe I just need a piss too much or something.
 
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