Discussion: sweetnpetite

[KillerMuffin]

A little unusual for our gathering, normally we crit one story, but this is one story in two versions. A little something different for a merry band, let's look at sweetnpetite.

Which one is better?
Hi again. I've gotten lots of good feedback on my story the stranger and since then I've submitted several more. They've gotten progressivly better for the most part I'd say.

What I'd like is for anybody willing to read my story "our favorate game" and "our favorate game variation" and compare the two. Which do you feel is better and why. I've gotten good feedback on them both, but only one with a preference, and that person prefered the first story becuase it got to the sex faster. But the variation is doing much better votewise. So anyway, I'd like to hear your opinions.

thanks

Our Favorate Game
and
Our Favorate Game: Variation

Have at it!

 

[Guest]

hopefully contructive crit.

To sweetnpetite:

The variation version is better. Please know all below is simply my opinion; I edit in my work and this kind of stuff always jumps out at me. Now that I'm on Lit. my reading eye simply works with a different set of storylines and vocabulary. I have not yet submitted any stories but am getting much practice in erotica through several threads.

Your story is good for its core--portraying one scene in an apparently established life/relationship. It's done well w/o the usual backstory, history, etc. The ending sentence sums it up; that's why I felt compelled to help with tightening the text. Really, don't bother or waste time w/details such as those I mention below. Your story is the one in your head: your focus and specific thoughts on your relationship, and how it plays out in 'real' life.

Excuse me if anything offends; I am my own worst critic but try to be easy on others. Best to you, Perdita
------------------------------------------------
He had started out checking his e-mail, but by now he had switched to his favorite free porn site.
He was checking his e-mail, then switched to his favorite free porn site. - don't mess about w/verb tenses, make them as simple as possible.

I wasn't about to be ignored for a hunk of metal and digital imagery
”for digitally imaged cunts” ? Just a suggestion, ‘hunk of metal’ is trite and doesn’t fit the evocation; of course he’s not ignoring you for the machine itself.

One time I made him chuckle when I said, "Oh! I love her hair!"
Good; very real and funny.

super-short plaid skirt and a snug white tank top
super and snug not necessary; too much used.

flashing him a clear view of my entire ass, and the thin red piece of fabric disappeared between the round cheeks of my backside.
We know he can see your entire ass so you needn’t repeat ‘backside’; ‘round’ cheeks can also be presumed.

he quietly rubbed my cunt against the cloth of my thong.
Inside-out image; he’s rubbing his fingers on the thong against your cunt.

finding excuses to bend over and flash my round firm ass cheeks at him.
”round firm ass cheeks” unnecessary; don’t hammer us over the head w/them (so to speak).

The cat in heat was perhaps meant to be evocative but it doesn’t fit your friend’s desperate guy-call. She’s disturbed about her boyfriend and then starts talking cat in heat? Distracting.

"You should really let me be in charge sometime."
"Na."
"Heaven forbid- you never know, it might be fun."
This could have made for an entirely new story; but you take it nowhere. If you’re not going to make anything out of it, use something else to set him going the way you want.

I tasted each one hungrily
Trite; tasting’s good enough if you can’t find a more inventive/poetic adverb.

sublime bliss on his face.
ditto

now stretched longer than I ever imagined it could,
unreal; presumably you’ve fucked plenty; how could his dick suddenly actually be longer, even in your imagination? Wouldn’t you be disappointed to see it wasn’t? Also simply trite.

My mouth was crammed full of leather and fabric
untrue; your mouth is full of your panties, presumably the belt simply goes over your mouth; an uncomfortable image to take in intelligibly.

The moment had been building for so long, neither of us could hold out any longer.
trite

 

[the_bragis]

Hello sweetnpetite,

I read both versions, but I will comment on the variation version. To be honest beyond the second version being a better read, I couldn't spot much difference.

You know this story puts a whole new meaning on the words 'cock teaser' doesn't it? Personally, I didn’t think you needed to include the phone call from your friend. I think it would have worked just as well with your boyfriend working at the computer, but hey that's just me. No wait, I just had a better idea. How about her friend talking to her about her sex life. You know maybe she could have had guy dramas because he/she wasn't getting enough sex, or the right sex, or any sex!

Adding to the excellent feedback you have already received, this is what else I noted as I read.

I know people say avoid repeating words, especially nouns, in a story, but more than one cock is just fine with me (no smart-ass comments from the guys here either please), as is cum or semen. Dick, prick, jizz and ball juice don’t really do it for me.

But then I think 'but then' is superfluous. I figured the smart thing would just be to sidle up and look with him. That would hopefully give him the right impression impression or message, and get us both warmed up.

Then the phone rang.
Again this could be just me, but I don't think you need 'then' here.

Whatever possessed me to answer it instead of letting the machine pick up, I'll never know but it was my best friend with major guy drama and I couldn't ignore that.
I felt this sentence was too long and could have been broken in two. E.g. Whatever possessed me to answer it instead of letting the machine pick up, I'll never know. It was my best friend with major guy drama and I couldn't ignore that.

Had to be there for her what else could I do?
I know it's not good to begin too many sentences with 'I', but simply leaving them off doesn't really work for me. I'm not sure how others readers feel about that one.

But I still had an itch to scratch so I had to keep his attention. I wasn't loosing out tonight- no way.
I realise it's perfectly acceptable in modern writing to begin a sentence with a conjunction, but I think here again it's just not needed.

So I simultaneously began to ignore and tease him.
I had to stop and re-read this, and I'm still not absolutely sure what you mean, and that's not good. Do you perhaps mean you pretend to ignore him, while you teased? I think too simultaneously was the wrong word to use here, but I'm sorry, I don't really know what the right one would be. Maybe it's just not needed.

There were some cushions on the floor; I tossed myself across them and hiked my skirt up;
This is a nice and sexy image however, it feels awkward to me. I think it needs simplifying. E.g. I tossed myself across some cushions on the floor and hiked my skirt up.

"Na."
Na, I don't think so. I would have much rather something stronger here. "You know that is impossible my dear." "You jest of course." "No fucking way babe!" ..Ok none of the above, but something stronger anyway.

He immediately came over and slapped me-hard.
Slapped your ass? I guarantee every reader reading your story will want more detail too. Did it leave a handprint? Did it sting? Did you have to stifle a gasp?

The pain didn't bother me- it was the loud sharp crack.
I felt this sentence was weak, when so much more detail could have really spiced it up. That dash and then the 'loud sharp crack' just didn't seem to related some how. Mmm… maybe it's just me?

Then I went back to the long hungry lick, enjoying several of those as if he where a quickly melting popsicle.
I loved that metaphor! Do you mind if I use it some time? No not really, but it is a good one. Only again drop that damned 'then". I noticed you used conjunctions to at the start a number of sentences, but I'm not going to make a shopping list of them. Besides others may completely disagree with me on this one.

I felt the sting of leather on my face. Yes, I liked it..
This is the weirdest thing sweets, and it has nothing to do with your writing per se. I'm right into a little rough and tumble bdsm, but slapping the face is a big turn off for me. Sure I understand everyone's different but bear in mind many people, including bdsmers, don't really like it either.

Ok, about here you get panicky and 'wonder if he will honor your request'. Well why didn't you just take, or spit those panties out of your mouth and say something?

Call l me a sick little bunny, but I could really relate to that last line. It was a really nice one to finish on.

Overall, I enjoyed your story. It's different and I like that. The sex was hot and easy to follow, and especially like that!

I wish you well with your future writing.

Have a great day sweetnpetite,

Alex(fem).

p.s. Oh and perdita, just a minor point of interest - you can have mouthful of panties and leather if your mouth is open wide. Go on be a little devil - try it tonight!

 

[Guest]

Ms. Bra: OK, I'm inexperienced in the leather-stuffed mouth department.

Luuuvvvvv those sculptured hands and what's 'down under' em.

Perdita

p.s. I have a good friend in Perth, anywhere near?

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Sweetnpetite,

Both stories were good, IMHO, the variation was better. You did a good job with the extended foreplay in that version, making the eventual sex scenes work even better. The storyline was different and interesting; and for those two things alone I’ll forgive almost any sins of grammar.

You’ve gotten two first-rate, line item critiques, so I’m going to focus more on one possible problem. IMHO, your story is more a vignette, the telling of an incident, than it is a “real” story. Writing gurus always claim that “change” is a key ingredient in any story, whether it’s a short piece like yours or a “War and Peace” size monster.

Now ‘cause I like you and think you’re a great human being with some real potential as a writer, I’m going to give away an old secret for dealing with this problem when working in short forms of either fiction or non-fiction. Prepare to take notes.

At the end of the piece, refer back to the beginning. (I didn’t say you’d be taking a lot of notes.)

For instance, in the opening paragraphs, your protag said she was determined not to be outdone by all dem nekkid women her man was looking at on the computer. At the end of the story, when he gets up to shower, you could refer back to that by adding onto the last sentence something like, “I’ve got to get him off that computer more often,” or “Bet he can’t get that from Bill Gates.”

Congratulations of two very nice pieces-of prose, that is. If my bilge wasn’t useful, I hope it wasn’t too tedious. Keep up the good work and let us know (maybe at the Author's Hangout) on how the two versions are doing.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[Pure]

Hi Sweet'nPetite,

I did read both, and my first impression was that the variation was a little smoother.

On going back over the two, looking at corresponding paras., I see a lot more words and explaining in the second, which is generally NOT a plus (given the tendency to overwrite, see below). However I did like the extra detail in the blowjob. So, on balance, the first--less extra baggage.

I think there's promise in that you have a hot imagination. You need an editor or spelling-nut friend, since misspelled words in the title and first line do say something--about carefulness if not background.

Second there's a bit of over-writing in both, fairly standard descriptions of cock, cunt, fucking. The downfall of routine porn.
Again, you need advice on pruning away the old stuff. Newly thought 'fresh' stuff, like the last line, looks so much better.

I confess I feel a little manipulated at the 'climax'; it sounds like you're looking for a Hustler offer. He comes over her face and as that happens she (having just ceased to have any action in her pussy) has a great climax??? Not very believable; only in porn movies.

Anyway, if you want to work on your writing I think you'll do well. You can't just crank out a story in (what?) a couple hours? Or in a couple drafts. Or grab at the family jewels in so obvious a way.

Best,

J.

 

[TheEarl]

Heya SnP,

BDSM isn't usually my gig, but I'll give it a go. I'm sure Rumple Foreskin will be on here to point out all the pedantic errors, so I won't do that. I do do pedantic, but a different kind. Usual disclaimer: most of what I say is a matter of opinion, so feel completely free to ignore mine. I never mean to be harsh, so please don't take it as such. Hope this helps.

Our Favorate Game:

I'm not sure if the title is intentionally like this, but it's a typo if not. I'm not sure about American spelling, but in England it's 'favourite.' I get the feeling I'm missing the point here, but just giving first impressions.

This one has way too sudden a start. It's as though you've skipped all of the buildup and you're jumping straight into the graphic descriptions. I like the buildup. I think that, if properly done, it will make the story more erotic, rather than less. It feels as though you're trying to squeeze 10 paras of backstory into one para and it doesn't work for me.

The first four paragraphs are very rushed. The description of her struggling to continue a normal conversation while having her pussy rubbed is way too short and doesn't do anything for me. Would have preferred you giving details, preferably actual dialogue.


There's a lot of dialogue buried in the middle of descriptive paras. Eg.

At least there's one way that he's always willing to let me make the first move so I quickly unfastened his belt, and slipped his hard cock into my mouth. I only took a break to slide his jeans off him. I licked the length of his shaft, and then took him into my mouth. "Mm," he said, "you are a great little cock sucker." I continued to vary my technique, not letting him get used to one thing before switching.

***
He wasn't quite having that. He grabbed me and threw me down on the bed. He pulled my thong off and rubbed it over my already wet cunt and then shoved it into my mouth. Then he pulled his belt from his pants and slapped my stomach. "do you like that?" he asked. "Mm-hm" I mumbled threw the cloth. He slapped my stomach a few more times, letting me feel the full sting of each before administering the next. He then slapped me across the cheek. "you like that?" He asked.

I prefer having dialogue at the start or end of paragraphs, or even in a para of its own. It gives it clarity. The second example is definitely bad grammar. If a new person starts talking, then there should be a new paragraph. You've got two changes of person speaking all in the same paragraph.


I felt the sting of leather on my face, part of me wanted more but part of me was afraid that it might get out of hand.

That's a very long and unwieldy sentence. I feel it'd probably work better as two separate sentences: 'I felt the sting of leather on my face. Part of me wanted more but part of me was afraid that it might get out of hand.'


Never one to be gentle longer than necessary, he grabbed my body roughly and tossed me into place. He ripped my shirt open, lifted my skirt. Parting my legs, he pressed his hard cock against my slippery wet pussy. He grabbed my legs and lifted then to his shoulders, shoving his prick deep into my gaping hole. He climbed on top of me, pinning my wrists forcefully down against the bed. He took total command, roughly cramming my cunt full of his big dick.

This sounds very clinical to me. It's just sentence after sentence of what's he's doing, no mention of how it feels, or what she's thinking. It also sounds slightly repetitive: He grabbed, he ripped, he pressed, he grabbed, he climbed, he took. Every sentence is about what he's doing. I think you could do a lot more, add a lot more description of feelings and thoughts. As is, the sex doesn't really do it for me. However that is just a matter of opinion, and it's probably because I don't get BDSM.

There is a bit of cheesy description in this para that turns me off. I dislike hearing about 'gaping holes' and 'cramming cunts full of big dick.' However that's definitely a matter of opinion.

I love the last sentence. It's such a quality ending.

Overall this story seems very rushed to me. Every time I get into it, you rush through the description and I'm left feeling a little shortchanged. It's good, but a little too quick.


Variation:

This one starts off much better. The backstory is now part of the story itself and you get more of a view of the female character. I understand her now, whereas before she was just someone who was horny. However it's still a little too fast for my liking. This is from the man who is the king of unecessary buildup in his stories, so you can take that as you will, but I feel you could stretch everything out a bit more.

This one finishes much better. There's more description, although again, not enough for my preference. I like the characters and I like the idea, but it's like Paddy Ashdown sex, all over too quickly.

Hope some of this helps. In any way. Feel free to hurl abuse at me if there's anything you disagree with.

The Earl


PS. Paddy Ashdown used to be the leader of the Lib Dems (3rd english political party) and has become slightly infamous for a quote in his autobiography stating that he was never really that interested in sex as it rarely took more than 17 seconds. For those who missed the reference completely.

 

[the_bragis]

Never one to be gentle longer than necessary, he grabbed my body roughly and tossed me into place. He ripped my shirt open, lifted my skirt. Parting my legs, he pressed his hard cock against my slippery wet pussy. He grabbed my legs and lifted then to his shoulders, shoving his prick deep into my gaping hole. He climbed on top of me, pinning my wrists forcefully down against the bed. He took total command, roughly cramming my cunt full of his big dick.

This sounds very clinical to me. It's just sentence after sentence of what's he's doing, no mention of how it feels, or what she's thinking. It also sounds slightly repetitive: He grabbed, he ripped, he pressed, he grabbed, he climbed, he took. Every sentence is about what he's doing. I think you could do a lot more, add a lot more description of feelings and thoughts. As is, the sex doesn't really do it for me. However that is just a matter of opinion, and it's probably because I don't get BDSM.

Well since this is a discussion forum rather than straight feedback, can we discuss something here?

I agree more description would have certainly made a better read, but I also found this interesting. Do you think a passage like this one would have worked better if the first few sentences had perhaps been shorter still? Would it have given a more ‘urgent’ feel the sex? He grabbed …He shoved….. He did what ever he does… Then onto a fuller description? Do you know how I mean?

It's just a thought I had, that I though might work - perhaps?

Alex.

 

[TheEarl]

As the king of blethering, I'll still say i think it'd sound better with more description. I don't like sparse sentences, even if they're there to create a sense of urgency.

The Earl

 

[hiddenself]

I think it's the awkward constructions more than anything else. I count six "he" [did this and did that] in as many sentences.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

At the risk of not offending anyone, let me present the following passage on critiqquing which I found on the Self Appointed Grammar Police (SAGP) site.

--

"What is his name?''

"Bingley.''

"Is he married or single?''

"Oh! Single, my dear, to be sure! A single man of large fortune; four or five thousand a year. What a fine thing for our girls!''

--

You might critique it as follows:

What a crock!

You really don't have a clue how to write dialogue, do you? You have six consecutive speeches here without so much as a single tag to tell us who's saying what. You should intersperse the spoken words with, "action tags'', like this:

"What is his name?'' Mr. Bennet tapped his pipe thoughtfully on sideboard.

"Bingley.'' His wife's face had turned red with excitement, and she couldn't keep still.

"Is he married or single?'' Mr. Bennet stifled a yawn as he walked across the room to draw the curtains.

See how much more naturally it flows like that?

One final point: you absolutely must change that title. Pride and Prejudice? How does that tell us anything about the story? You should use something vivid and evocative like First Impressions instead.

Now just think how much much better P & P could have been if Jane Austen had had the benefit of good, honest critiquing like that.

--

Literotically yours,

Rumple Foreskin

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I'd already read these stories and sent Sweet a little critique on them. I reread them, this time reading the variation first, and I feel that this is the stronger of the two versions.

The reason is simple: there's more exposition in the second, more explanation of what's going on and why. I find it kind of surprising though that there's not more dofference between the two. As I recall it now, the main difference is that the telephone converstaion with her friend is more fully developed, as is the oral sex scene and the business with the belt.

Sweet's style is very personal. The stories have all the hallmarks of an actual experience, although I assume that she's reworked reality a bit to come up with the simultaneous orgasm. The personal style--the asides, the jokiness, talking directly to the reader--is both her strength and her weakness in my opinion. I think her style gives the stories an immediacy and a sense of reality that is arousing in itself: we really believe that this happened to her. On the other hand I wonder if that's really fair as far as writing skill goes. Porn can excite us by its descriptive and imaginative power, or we can get excited thinking that Sweet is a person who actually did this and we're reading her confession. The first type of excitement takes more skill as a writer in my opinion, although the second kind of excitement certainly has its place.

Because Sweetnpetite's voice is so personal, I find it hard to critique these stories. There are quite a few misspellings and mechanical errors, but those are easy to take care of. (I especially winced at spelling "huh" and "yeah" as "hu" and "yea".)

The only thing that sticks out to me is the weight the different parts of the stories are given. It seems to me that too much emphasis is put on the phone call and not enough on the sex in the bedroom, especially on her feelings about what was happening, but it's pobvious that Sweet felt that the idea of flirting with Rod while she was on the phone to be sexually exciting. It wasn't for me, but that's just my feeling.

---dr.M.

 

[Pure]

I want to change my vote in some ways.

Look, the original is 1200 words, variation is almost 1900. The latter has better connections but lotsa drek. So I say, variation *will be* the best when at least 300 words are cut out: it's tightened and freed of cliche'.

J.

 

[Pure]

dr m

//(I especially winced at spelling "huh" and "yeah" as "hu" and "yea".) //

omigod. is she the kind that spells 'ugh' with two g's: uggh???

the life of a critic is tough.

 

[KillerMuffin]

Well since this is a discussion forum rather than straight feedback, can we discuss something here?

I agree more description would have certainly made a better read, but I also found this interesting. Do you think a passage like this one would have worked better if the first few sentences had perhaps been shorter still? Would it have given a more ‘urgent’ feel the sex? He grabbed …He shoved….. He did what ever he does… Then onto a fuller description? Do you know how I mean?

It's just a thought I had, that I though might work - perhaps?

Alex.

It might, but not completely. Sentence structure is one of the strongest methods of setting tone. The shorter the sentences, the faster and more breathless the tone. The longer, the slower and more pedantic the tone.

The problem you get into when you employ this device is that it starts sounding like a See Dick Fuck grocery list and you lose the reader.

What she would have to do is change the rhythm of the prose to acheive that effect. Yes, shorter sentences, but not along the lines of he did this period he did that period. Action would still have to be tempered with reaction. The reactionary sentences would be shortened, but they would still be descriptively complex. Action sentences--if sparse--could be pared to Subject-Predicate-Object in order to increase the tension.

 

[the_bragis]

Had to be there for her what else could I do?

I know it's not good to begin too many sentences with 'I', but simply leaving them off doesn't really work for me. I'm not sure how others readers feel about that one.

Well I"m still interested to hear what others think about this one.

I know much of Bridget Jones' Diary is written in this manner, and I enjoyed that. Is it perhaps just a style of writing?

Alex.

 

[KillerMuffin]

It can be distracting more than it can be helpful. It depends on the talent of the writer, like everything else. Vox was written entirely through dialogue, but that doesn't mean that everyone can write a good dialogue only story. Most of them make me grit my teeth because most people simply have not mastered the use of natural dialogue to employ this particular device.

The worst part of starting things out with nothing but I is that you get the laundry list of activity feeling. I did this, I did that, I want this, I liked that. That sort of thing.

The simplest way, quite frankly, to mix it up, is to begin a sentence with a participial phrase. Tossing my hair back, I orgasmed. Yada yada. A better way is to move the focus from person to non-person. Instead of something like "I felt the shivers of orgasm start in my toes", try something like "The shivers of orgasm started in my toes." Same thing, rephrased.

 

[sweetnpetite]

I've been off the computer for a while, and I just found out that my story was up for discussion. (Thanks everybody so far for some great input and encouragement.) So I don't know what this originally said. (Note at the bottom sais that it's been edited.) Maybe its not important, but I just wanted to let you know.

Also, how long do the discussions stay up? And after there removed can they be accessed again? I would like to print these suggestions out, but I want to wait until there all up.

Now I'm going back to read the rest of the board. Maybe I'll have more to say when I get to the end.

I want to change my vote in some ways.

Look, the original is 1200 words, variation is almost 1900. The latter has better connections but lotsa drek. So I say, variation *will be* the best when at least 300 words are cut out: it's tightened and freed of cliche'.

J.

 

[TheEarl]

Alex: Bridget Jones' Diary (although I've never read it) works because it is a diary. It's from a totally self-obssessed viewpoint, which is almost a subset of 1st person. Inconceivable (Ben Elton) works the same way.

SnP: Discussions stay up here forever and ever. They just sink to the bottom of the board.

The Earl

 

[sweetnpetite]

dr m

//(I especially winced at spelling "huh" and "yeah" as "hu" and "yea".) //

omigod. is she the kind that spells 'ugh' with two g's: uggh???

the life of a critic is tough.

everything I just wrote disapeared. I really hate that. uggh!

 

[sweetnpetite]

what I had said about the ugh, uggh isssue is that the two sound completley different in my head. ugh is light and airy, but its a sound of disaproval like the way my mother clicks her tougue. uggh, you roll the gg sort of and it makes something of a k sound. It's a sound you make when someone tells a joke that is cute, but not funny enough to actually laugh- it might be accompanied by an eyeroll.

I have more to say, on this but I want to see if my cookies are working first.

 

[sweetnpetite]

sorry if this is off topic, but sence you mentioned it

good its working.

The rest of what I had said, is that one of my writing habits is to wright the way I hear it in my head. This is why many of my rough drafts are filled with far too many commas. I hear a pause and I type a comma. (Even my finished copy's may have to many) I'm very sensative to the way the sentances- especially diologue sounds inside my head. To me, it makes a difference where the diologue is placed in the paragraph and how tag lines are used.

"Perhaps," he suggested, "you should try an alternative."

sounds differnent (to my ear) than:

"Perhaps you should try an alternative," he suggested.

and diferent still:

"Perhaps you should try an alternative."

Now sometimes this leads me to do things that are gramatically incorrect such as not begining a sentance of diologue with a capitol letter. To me each of the following sounds diferent:

"No."

"No-"

"no..."

"no"

The first speaker means business. The second had more to say but either got cut off, or decided to cut himself off for some reason. The third speaker is uncertain and trails off. The last speaker just isn't trying very hard, their no is week and impotent (no pun intended).

Can anyone else "hear" these differences, or can you only "see" error? If its too distracting, I guess I'm in the wrong, but its difficult to write in a way that I don't feel conveys what I'm trying to say. (and I don't feel that descriptive phrases are always the way to go)

In other words, can I legitimatly claim this as a style thing? Or am I just wrong?

 

[the_bragis]

"No."

"No-"

"no..."

"no"

The first speaker means business. The second had more to say but either got cut off, or decided to cut himself off for some reason. The third speaker is uncertain and trails off. The last speaker just isn't trying very hard, their no is week and impotent (no pun intended).

Can anyone else "hear" these differences, or can you only "see" error?

Hi sweets,

I found this interesting.

Yes, in my head the 'no's were exactly as you decribe them, except the last one which I lonly saw as an error.

No pun intended? Oh don't worry about that, puns are their own reword.

Alex

 

[sweetnpetite]

Hi sweets,

I found this interesting.

Yes, in my head the 'no's were exactly as you decribe them, except the last one which I lonly saw as an error.

No pun intended? Oh don't worry about that, puns are their own reword.

Alex

thanks for the reply. I kind of feel that with diologue most anything is permissible. (Obviously everyone doesnt' agree.) Sometimes we don't talk in complete sentances, so they don't look like sentences

 

[sweetnpetite]

No pun intended? Oh don't worry about that, puns are their own reword.

Alex

he, he. cute