KillerMuffin
Seraphically Disinclined
- Joined
- Jul 29, 2000
- Posts
- 25,603
A new Guinea Pig! All right folks, let's work with the guy, here.
Sati said:
Discussion: Sati
- Thread starter KillerMuffin
- Start date
Rumple Foreskin
The AH Patriarch
- Joined
- Jan 18, 2002
- Posts
- 11,109
Sati,
Welcome to the board and to the SDC. I was only going to line edit the opening, but you’re better than the average newbie and I ended up going over the whole story. Whether that’s good or bad is a subjective judgment. I just wanted you to know the reason you’re getting all this grief is because I think you’ve got potential as a writer.
IMHO, these are some of the things you need to work on.
1. The opening. That time shift really threw me.
2. The ending. It’s weak.
3. POV and POV shifts.
4. Tone down the hyperbole in some of your sex scenes.
5. Learn about pauses and interruptions which means dashes, em’s, and ellipses.
With any luck, some of this will be of some help to you. If not, well, the price was right. Feel free to post a reply or send me a PM to cuss or discuss any of this.
Rumple Foreskin
--
Two doors slammed shut simultaneously; one in the back of the house, and one in the front. Through one, entered the Richards; (TECHNICAL PT. BOTH DOORS HAVE JUST SLAMMED SHUT. (NICE FIRST SENTENCE) BUT THEN YOU WRITE, “THROUGH ONE, ENTERED…” UNLESS THE RICHARDS ARE GHOSTS, HOW?) a lovely couple in their mid thirties. Mr. Richards, an enticing man, was laughing. Mrs. Richards smiled as her husband grabbed for the coat around her shoulders and pulled it off, hanging it on a coat rack sitting appropriately in the corner of the front foyer.
And through the back door? The babysitter ushered (IMHO, USHERED SOUNDS SLOW, MAYBE “HURRIED”) her boyfriend out of the kitchen; a boyfriend who wasn't supposed to be there while she had been (OMIT “HAD BEEN” ADD “WAS”) watching the family's newly born child. (AFTER A COUPLE OF READS, I REALIZED THE REST OF THIS PARA. OCCURRED/OCCURS PRIOR TO EVERYTHING ELSE THAT’S BEEN MENTIONED, A VERY CONFUSING TIME SHIFT.) Through a window, the headlights of a familiar SUV pulled into the long drive, signaling Amy of the Richards' return. And after a quick kiss, the boyfriend was gone (ANOTHER TIME SHIFT PROBLEM “WAS GONE” PAST TENSE, “STUTTERING” PRESENT TENSE, MIGHT CHANGE “WAS GONE” TO “LEFT”), stuttering a quick goodbye and not quite sure what had happened.
Amy spun to face the door that lead from the kitchen to the living room, waiting for the Richards to step out of the foyer and see her standing there. She barely had time to give herself a once over before Mr. Richards walked around the corner, his faithful wife trailing behind. He stopped in his path as he spotted Amy, and for a mere moment, panic ricocheted through her body, a flush heating her face and her breath catching in her throat. (HER X 4 IN THAT SENTENCE) Could he tell something had happened? Had she been caught? Or had the mere presence or (TYPO “OF”) Mr. Richards' handsome face do something to her body that she couldn't quite explain?
** *
David Richards could smell sex lingering in the air as he stepped into the house. A lady's man before he was married, an unfaithful man while (CHANGE TO “SINCE”) he was, he had become quite (“HAD BECOME QUITE” IS AWKWARD, MAYBE “WAS WELL”) acquainted with the scent of sweat and... other bodily fluids. (CHECK YOUR STYLE MANUAL FOR ELLIPSIS … USE AND ABUSE. THEY PRIMARILY SIGNIFY AN INTERRUPTION IN A QUOTE, NOT A PAUSE.)
Besides standing before a jury and convincing them and the judge that one of his many clients was innocent, knowing everything about women had become a very strong forte of his. Whether it be their breathing patterns on the way to an orgasm, or simply the familiarity of the sweet smell emitted from between their thighs when sexually excited, he knew it all.
But even as his nostrils flared and a sudden pang of primal hunger ran down his veins and landed at his groin, his smile never faltered. And as he landed (REACHED?) the corner of the foyer, he spotted her: the innocent babysitter. Amy Parkins.
--
He glanced over at the young woman in the seat beside him, noticing a dried out leave (LEAF) stuck to the chocolate colored hair framing her face. His right hand lifted slowly, his fingers picking it out, his palm sliding over the soft curve of her cheek before she could flinch or pull away.
"You know, Katie really does adore you."
"Thanks." Amy sat rigid in her seat, her breathing pattern kicked up a notch.
"So do I."
"Oh. Well... thanks. Again."
"But there is a slight matter we do need to discuss." He let the leaf drop, and it floated downward landing right at the apex of her thighs. Both of them followed it until it landed, and he could see Amy suck in a lungful of air as it landed. (“IT LANDED” TWICE IN ONE SENTENCE, MIGHT USE A SYNONYM FOR ONE OF THEM.) David couldn't help but smirk.
"And what's that?" she asked.
"Mind if I pull over?"
"You're in charge." There was a small silence.
"If you insist." He smiled, nodding off a soft chuckle. Amy smiled also, only then realizing how many different ways he could have taken that. (SO FAR, YOU’VE BEEN USING RICHARDS’ POINT OF VIEW TO TELL THE STORY. NOW YOU’VE TOLD READERS WHAT AMY IS THINKING, WHICH IS A SWITCH TO HER POV. THAT’S NOT A CRIME, BUT IT CAN CONFUSE READERS.
--
"Yeah. Heh." Her eyes quickly flickered away from his, going back to the leaf resting on her crotch, and then to his hand, which still burned into the flesh of her thigh and sent heat waves to the core of her body. (YOU’RE BACK IN AMY’S HEAD, TELLING THE READER WHAT SHE’S FEELING. ROMANCE WRITERS WILL DO THIS DURING LOVE SCENES, BUT IT’S USUALLY BEST TO STAY WITH ONE CHARACTER DURING A SCENE. OTHERWISE, READERS CAN GET CONFUSED BY THE “HEAD HOPPING” THIS IS THE LAST TIME I’LL MENTION POV SHIFTS, I PROMISE.)
--
"Mr. Richards... the baby was already asleep, and I know that doesn't make it right but Austin just showed up and things got out of hand and I didn't know what was
goin—" (“GOIN--“ BEING HERE MAY BE A TYPO. BUT THE PUNCTUATION SHOULD PROBABLY BE: “…AND I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT WAS GOIN…” THE ELLIPSIS … INDICATES HER SPEECH HAS JUST BEEN INTERRUPTED.)
"Shut your mouth, Amy."
He spoke softly, but in a commanding voice, his lips drawing near her ear as he cut off her rambled bunch of words. His breath was so near the small shell of her ear that it fluttered across her neck and onto her cheek. (ANATOMICALLY CONFUSING. GRAMMATICALLY, IF NOT LOGICALLY, “IT” COULD REFER TO HER EAR. FOR HIS BREATH TO TRAVEL FROM HER EAR DOWN TO HER NECK THEN BACK UP TO HER CHEEK SEEMS LIKE A LOT OF TRAVELING.) He let go of the leaf, and his hand slid quickly down her stomach and landed at her sex.
--
He callously grabbed her hand that rested closest to him, (OMIT “THAT RESTED CLOSEST TO HIM” IT’S SELF-EVIDENT AND SLOWS THE ACTION.) and pressed it against his cock. He let out a growl, pressing the petite hand into his groin like a tool of his own pleasure. Between clenched teeth, he whispered, "(F)feel what you're making me do? This is for you, Amy. You made me this way."
He punched his hips into her palm, grinding against her. He forced her fingers to massage him, to feel the length of him through his confines.
Amy sobbed a dry sob as he used her hand to satisfy himself, but he only dug deeper into her hotness, using the fabric to rub harshly against her now engorged clitoris.
"Pull your pants down. Now."
He pulled (MIGHT USE A DIFFERENT WORD SINCE “PULL” IS IN THE PREVIOUS SENTENCE) his hand away from her crotch, releasing her hand from his length to let her do the bidding he commanded. Instead, (WHY “INSTEAD”? MAYBE “MEANWHILE”) he reached up and occupied himself with the hard little nipples fighting against the fabric of her shirt and bra, at first only lightly brushing his fingers over them, then grabbing each one in turn, pinching, rolling, and squeezing them between forefinger and thumb as Amy lifted her hips to push down her pants and pull them over her boots, and when David thought that she wasn't doing (OMIT “DOING”) fast enough, her gave one breast a sharp smack.
A small V of red material was the only thing that covered her pussy, the V tapering down to a small string that David suspected to run (OMIT “TO RUN” ADD “RAN”) up and in between her ass. It was sexy as hell, and David let her know how much he appreciated it by pulling especially hard on one of her tender nipples. She moaned, a tear rolling down one cheek.
"Whores are always good at lying, darling. I know you want me to fuck you. So hard you (YOU’LL?) go into a coma."
David grabbed her shirt at ripped it open at the buttons, exposing a matching bra that barely covered her the aureoles of her nipples and a flat stomach. The mere sight of her almost naked made him want to shoot his load right there, even in his pants. But he knew better—knew that if he ended it now he would regret it later.
He cupped his hand around the back of her neck and pulled her towards him, pushing her face down to his straining cock so that her nose brushed against the top of his zipper.
"No!" She tried to pull away, but David's hand stayed lock on the back of her neck. Her body turned so that her knees were on her seat, her feet in the air. (SPEAKING AS A GUY WHO HAS OWNED THREE SUV’S AND SCREWED IN A ’65 MUSTANG, EVEN IN A BIG SUV, IT WOULD BE NEITHER QUICK NOR EASY TO COMPEL HER TO GO FROM A SITTING POSITION TO ONE WHERE HER KNEES ARE ON THE SEAT. ALSO MOST SUV’S HAVE CENTER CONSOLES. IMHO, IT’S MORE LIKELY THAT SHE WOULD HAVE SLIPPED DOWN TO THE FLOOR AND IS NOW LEANING OVER THE CONSOLE WITH HER FACE IN HIS LAP.)
"Kiss it, you little slut. Feel how hard you're making me."
Again, she tried to pull away, but before she had much time to resist, David brought down a hard and swift blow to her naked ass. Her mouth opened to scream, but before any sound escaped he pushed her lips against his denim-covered cock, muffling the sound with his dick. (OMIT “WITH HIS DICK”)
"Mmm, yeah, you sweet little bitch..."
David's eyes fluttered shut at the feel of a warm mouth against his covered shaft, his hips gyrating under her face. Her lips felt so fucking good against his sex, the pink petals massaging the iron hardness as her mouth opened and closed, the denim protecting the sensitive skin from any accidental brushes of (BY) her teeth.
The hand closest to her (HE JUST SWATTED HER ON THE ASS) ass slid up and over the curve of her rump, his fingers sliding over the cheek that he had smacked. The flesh there was hot, and he heard a muffled moan against his crotch as his fingers trailed oh so softly against the stinging skin. He stopped at her sex, the material there soaked through with her juices.
--
But even better, (“EVEN BETTER” THAN WHAT?) was the feel of innocent Amy's tongue slowly trailing along the underside of his dick.
"Fuuuckkkk, yesss." His hips bucked upward, one finger slipping into her, only to be pulled back out and plunged back in again with the ferocity and zeal of a horse—meanwhile his middle finger strummed back and forth over her engorged nubbin, exhorting small mewls from the back of Amy's throat.
The hand that had once been on her neck moved to the back of her head, his fingers sliding through the satin locks to gain a strong reign (MAYBE “REIN”) over her. As soon as her lips were spread over the head of his heavy length, he pushed her head down until the engorged tip brushed the back of her throat muscles in a bliss-like massage.
"So fucking gooood, Amyyy"
He was breathing in and out of his (YOU BREATH “THROUGH” NOT “OUT” OF CLENCHED TEETH) clenched teeth, the muscles in his neck straining against his own neck (WHOA. “MUSCLES IN HIS NECK STRAINING AGAINST HIS OWN NECK”? I STRONGLY SUGGEST OMITTING “STRAINING AGAINST HIS OWN NECK”) as his head lolled (“LOLL” IMPLIES RELAXED “LOLLING AROUND ON THE BEACH” AND HIS NECK MUSCLES ARE IN A STRAIN.) backward. His fingers continued to plunge in and out of her tight little pussy, one finger turning into two. For not being a virgin she was as tight as Mary, (WHO’S MARY?) and two fingers alone stretched her well into overload drive. As he continued to stuff her mouth with his cock, he fucked her flooded cunt with his fingers in the same rhythm, slurpy sounds coming with every withdrawal of his thick digits.
Amy's throat muscles tightened around his meat as she chocked (TYPO “CHOKED”) from being force-fed his dick, and David watched in the moonlight as her face turned red and then purple, tears beginning to bubble from the corners of her eyes. His balls began to tighten, the constant lapping of her snake-like tongue against the seam of his shaft stoking the flames in his lower abdomen into outrageously large fires of insatiable passion. (A TRUTH IN PORN, HYPERBOLE ALERT: TEARS DON’T BUBBLE FROM THE CORNERS OF EYES AND IF A GAL IS ASPHYXIATING ON A COCK, I’VE GOT A HUNCH SHE’S NOT GONNA BE SIMULTANEOUSLY LAPPING HER SNAKE-LIKE TONGUE AGAINST THE SEAM OF THE SHAFT)
A heat began in his toes, trailing up his calves and then into a burning in his thighs. One set of fingers pressed into her scalp (MIGHT ADD “, FORCING HER”) to take him deeper yet, while his other fingers kept tempo, fucking her twat so hard that her ass was bouncing against his hand so that he might go deeper still.
Her throat contracted, (AGAIN-HAPPENED TWO PARAGRAPHS AGO) and if his meat hadn't been in her mouth he knew she would have been coughing. This small thought sent David crazy, and a groan gurgled from his own parted lips.
And before he had time to generate a warning, cum exploded out of the tip of his cock (WHERE ELSE? OMIT “THE TIP OF”), spraying the back of her throat (HOW CAN THIS BE IF HE BURIED SO DEEP AMY’S THROAT MUSCLES CAN TIGHTEN AROUND HIS MEAT…“?) with jet after jet of milky white liquid.
His fingers dug into her skull (THIS IS NON-CONSENT, NOT HORROR J MAYBE CHANGE “SKULL” TO “SCALP”) and his back arched with orgasm, his fingers diving so far into her cunt that she moaned over his still spasming cock, vibrating the skin around his balls and making his hips shoot upward. His balls slapped against her chin, and she moaned again.
Finally, he pulled her mouth off of his cock. His breathing regulated, (THE FIRST PART OF THIS SENTENCE DOESN’T SEEM TO HAVE MUCH TO DO WITH THE OTHER HALF. MIGHT OMIT “BUT” AND START A NEW SENTENCE) but her tongue sneaked out from her lips to lick at his sac, hungrily like a cat trying to feed off its mama's tit.
"No." He yanked her head upward so that her eyes met his. Her face was returning to a natural shade of pink.
"So you're a cum slut, eh?"
"I—"
"You... are. You liked (EITHER “LIKE” OR OMIT “TO HAVE” ADD “HAVING”) to have me in your mouth... it excited you." His fingers were still at her vagina, but not inside of her. Instead, his digit tips brushed over the lips of her entrance, his middle finger still mildly playing with her clit. She bit her lower lip as to (OMIT “AS TO” ADD “TRYING”) not moan out her true feelings. (ANOTHER POV SHIFT. TO AVOID IT JUST ADD “APPARENTLY” BEFORE “TRYING”)
--
He rolled his hips again, his dick taking another stab at her entrance, and then clit. Amy began to pant as he coated himself with her wetness with (OMIT “WITH” ADD “USING”) back and forth strokes.
"No, I caaan'ttt."
The pitch of her voice inclined as he nipped at the thin material keeping her breasts poised in front of his face, his tongue smashing against one plush nipple through the material. Amy began to squirm.
"But... I think... you can..." In between every word he sipped harder at her nipples, going back and forth from one to the other, his hands till pressed tightly against her ribcage to keep her in the air.
"Noooo.... Oh, yessss. Fuck yesss..." Tears began to fall down her cheeks, landing on her breasts. David growled, every moment passed a moment harder not to impale her with his cock.
"Tell me what you want, baby whore. Do you want my cock in you? Do you want to be used? Just tell me, and I'll give it to you..." He sucked at the soft tissue above her bra, letting his face dig between the fleshy globes.
His pelvis continued to roll, his dick head teasing her clit. She moaned loudly, her head lolling backward.
"Yes! I want it allllll, God! Mr. Richards, fuck me, pleeeaaase. Harddd." (YOU HAVE JUST EXCEEDED THE MAXIMUM ALLOWANCE FOR EXAGGERATED WORD SPELLING TO INDICATE PASSION. YOU HAD SEVEN IN THE LAST SIX PARAGRAPHS WITH SEVERAL MORE COMING UP. IMHO, IT’S USUALLY A GOOD IDEA TO KEEP THESE TO A MINIMUM.)
It was all David needed to hear. He let go of her, her tense little pussy sliding like a glove onto his prick. They both groaned loudly and simultaneously, the first thrust pushing at the back wall of her cervix from the odd position the car seat forced them to be in.
The steering wheel dug into Amy's back as she bounced up and down on David's cock, her eyes squeezed so tightly shut she could see red behind her eyelids.
It was the most beautiful David had ever seen the young adult, and he growled as he grabbed her hips and made her bounce harder on top of (OMIT “ON TOP OF” CAN’T BOUNCE UNDER A LAP) his lap, his fat dick molesting her tight opening.
"Fuckk! You are a tight... little... slut, aren't you? Yeah, ride me harderrr...fuck... Ehhhhhh."
"Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm." Little squeals escaped Amy's mouth as she let herself go wild, following the man's beneath her directions (OMIT “MAN’S BENEATH HER DIRECTIONS” ADD “DIRECTIONS OF THE MAN BENEATH HER”) and bouncing powerfully on his cock.
--
Finally, he picked her back up and with help, she crawled back over onto her own seat. He stuck his wet and used cock back in his pants, and zippered up. He glanced as Amy slowly pulled her pants back on over her thighs, wincing; her body still sore from the brutal fucking it just took. (HAD JUST TAKEN) She put her jacket on and buttoned it up to hide the fact that all of the buttons on her shirt were missing.
Welcome to the board and to the SDC. I was only going to line edit the opening, but you’re better than the average newbie and I ended up going over the whole story. Whether that’s good or bad is a subjective judgment. I just wanted you to know the reason you’re getting all this grief is because I think you’ve got potential as a writer.
IMHO, these are some of the things you need to work on.
1. The opening. That time shift really threw me.
2. The ending. It’s weak.
3. POV and POV shifts.
4. Tone down the hyperbole in some of your sex scenes.
5. Learn about pauses and interruptions which means dashes, em’s, and ellipses.
With any luck, some of this will be of some help to you. If not, well, the price was right. Feel free to post a reply or send me a PM to cuss or discuss any of this.
Rumple Foreskin
--
Two doors slammed shut simultaneously; one in the back of the house, and one in the front. Through one, entered the Richards; (TECHNICAL PT. BOTH DOORS HAVE JUST SLAMMED SHUT. (NICE FIRST SENTENCE) BUT THEN YOU WRITE, “THROUGH ONE, ENTERED…” UNLESS THE RICHARDS ARE GHOSTS, HOW?) a lovely couple in their mid thirties. Mr. Richards, an enticing man, was laughing. Mrs. Richards smiled as her husband grabbed for the coat around her shoulders and pulled it off, hanging it on a coat rack sitting appropriately in the corner of the front foyer.
And through the back door? The babysitter ushered (IMHO, USHERED SOUNDS SLOW, MAYBE “HURRIED”) her boyfriend out of the kitchen; a boyfriend who wasn't supposed to be there while she had been (OMIT “HAD BEEN” ADD “WAS”) watching the family's newly born child. (AFTER A COUPLE OF READS, I REALIZED THE REST OF THIS PARA. OCCURRED/OCCURS PRIOR TO EVERYTHING ELSE THAT’S BEEN MENTIONED, A VERY CONFUSING TIME SHIFT.) Through a window, the headlights of a familiar SUV pulled into the long drive, signaling Amy of the Richards' return. And after a quick kiss, the boyfriend was gone (ANOTHER TIME SHIFT PROBLEM “WAS GONE” PAST TENSE, “STUTTERING” PRESENT TENSE, MIGHT CHANGE “WAS GONE” TO “LEFT”), stuttering a quick goodbye and not quite sure what had happened.
Amy spun to face the door that lead from the kitchen to the living room, waiting for the Richards to step out of the foyer and see her standing there. She barely had time to give herself a once over before Mr. Richards walked around the corner, his faithful wife trailing behind. He stopped in his path as he spotted Amy, and for a mere moment, panic ricocheted through her body, a flush heating her face and her breath catching in her throat. (HER X 4 IN THAT SENTENCE) Could he tell something had happened? Had she been caught? Or had the mere presence or (TYPO “OF”) Mr. Richards' handsome face do something to her body that she couldn't quite explain?
** *
David Richards could smell sex lingering in the air as he stepped into the house. A lady's man before he was married, an unfaithful man while (CHANGE TO “SINCE”) he was, he had become quite (“HAD BECOME QUITE” IS AWKWARD, MAYBE “WAS WELL”) acquainted with the scent of sweat and... other bodily fluids. (CHECK YOUR STYLE MANUAL FOR ELLIPSIS … USE AND ABUSE. THEY PRIMARILY SIGNIFY AN INTERRUPTION IN A QUOTE, NOT A PAUSE.)
Besides standing before a jury and convincing them and the judge that one of his many clients was innocent, knowing everything about women had become a very strong forte of his. Whether it be their breathing patterns on the way to an orgasm, or simply the familiarity of the sweet smell emitted from between their thighs when sexually excited, he knew it all.
But even as his nostrils flared and a sudden pang of primal hunger ran down his veins and landed at his groin, his smile never faltered. And as he landed (REACHED?) the corner of the foyer, he spotted her: the innocent babysitter. Amy Parkins.
--
He glanced over at the young woman in the seat beside him, noticing a dried out leave (LEAF) stuck to the chocolate colored hair framing her face. His right hand lifted slowly, his fingers picking it out, his palm sliding over the soft curve of her cheek before she could flinch or pull away.
"You know, Katie really does adore you."
"Thanks." Amy sat rigid in her seat, her breathing pattern kicked up a notch.
"So do I."
"Oh. Well... thanks. Again."
"But there is a slight matter we do need to discuss." He let the leaf drop, and it floated downward landing right at the apex of her thighs. Both of them followed it until it landed, and he could see Amy suck in a lungful of air as it landed. (“IT LANDED” TWICE IN ONE SENTENCE, MIGHT USE A SYNONYM FOR ONE OF THEM.) David couldn't help but smirk.
"And what's that?" she asked.
"Mind if I pull over?"
"You're in charge." There was a small silence.
"If you insist." He smiled, nodding off a soft chuckle. Amy smiled also, only then realizing how many different ways he could have taken that. (SO FAR, YOU’VE BEEN USING RICHARDS’ POINT OF VIEW TO TELL THE STORY. NOW YOU’VE TOLD READERS WHAT AMY IS THINKING, WHICH IS A SWITCH TO HER POV. THAT’S NOT A CRIME, BUT IT CAN CONFUSE READERS.
--
"Yeah. Heh." Her eyes quickly flickered away from his, going back to the leaf resting on her crotch, and then to his hand, which still burned into the flesh of her thigh and sent heat waves to the core of her body. (YOU’RE BACK IN AMY’S HEAD, TELLING THE READER WHAT SHE’S FEELING. ROMANCE WRITERS WILL DO THIS DURING LOVE SCENES, BUT IT’S USUALLY BEST TO STAY WITH ONE CHARACTER DURING A SCENE. OTHERWISE, READERS CAN GET CONFUSED BY THE “HEAD HOPPING” THIS IS THE LAST TIME I’LL MENTION POV SHIFTS, I PROMISE.)
--
"Mr. Richards... the baby was already asleep, and I know that doesn't make it right but Austin just showed up and things got out of hand and I didn't know what was
goin—" (“GOIN--“ BEING HERE MAY BE A TYPO. BUT THE PUNCTUATION SHOULD PROBABLY BE: “…AND I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT WAS GOIN…” THE ELLIPSIS … INDICATES HER SPEECH HAS JUST BEEN INTERRUPTED.)
"Shut your mouth, Amy."
He spoke softly, but in a commanding voice, his lips drawing near her ear as he cut off her rambled bunch of words. His breath was so near the small shell of her ear that it fluttered across her neck and onto her cheek. (ANATOMICALLY CONFUSING. GRAMMATICALLY, IF NOT LOGICALLY, “IT” COULD REFER TO HER EAR. FOR HIS BREATH TO TRAVEL FROM HER EAR DOWN TO HER NECK THEN BACK UP TO HER CHEEK SEEMS LIKE A LOT OF TRAVELING.) He let go of the leaf, and his hand slid quickly down her stomach and landed at her sex.
--
He callously grabbed her hand that rested closest to him, (OMIT “THAT RESTED CLOSEST TO HIM” IT’S SELF-EVIDENT AND SLOWS THE ACTION.) and pressed it against his cock. He let out a growl, pressing the petite hand into his groin like a tool of his own pleasure. Between clenched teeth, he whispered, "(F)feel what you're making me do? This is for you, Amy. You made me this way."
He punched his hips into her palm, grinding against her. He forced her fingers to massage him, to feel the length of him through his confines.
Amy sobbed a dry sob as he used her hand to satisfy himself, but he only dug deeper into her hotness, using the fabric to rub harshly against her now engorged clitoris.
"Pull your pants down. Now."
He pulled (MIGHT USE A DIFFERENT WORD SINCE “PULL” IS IN THE PREVIOUS SENTENCE) his hand away from her crotch, releasing her hand from his length to let her do the bidding he commanded. Instead, (WHY “INSTEAD”? MAYBE “MEANWHILE”) he reached up and occupied himself with the hard little nipples fighting against the fabric of her shirt and bra, at first only lightly brushing his fingers over them, then grabbing each one in turn, pinching, rolling, and squeezing them between forefinger and thumb as Amy lifted her hips to push down her pants and pull them over her boots, and when David thought that she wasn't doing (OMIT “DOING”) fast enough, her gave one breast a sharp smack.
A small V of red material was the only thing that covered her pussy, the V tapering down to a small string that David suspected to run (OMIT “TO RUN” ADD “RAN”) up and in between her ass. It was sexy as hell, and David let her know how much he appreciated it by pulling especially hard on one of her tender nipples. She moaned, a tear rolling down one cheek.
"Whores are always good at lying, darling. I know you want me to fuck you. So hard you (YOU’LL?) go into a coma."
David grabbed her shirt at ripped it open at the buttons, exposing a matching bra that barely covered her the aureoles of her nipples and a flat stomach. The mere sight of her almost naked made him want to shoot his load right there, even in his pants. But he knew better—knew that if he ended it now he would regret it later.
He cupped his hand around the back of her neck and pulled her towards him, pushing her face down to his straining cock so that her nose brushed against the top of his zipper.
"No!" She tried to pull away, but David's hand stayed lock on the back of her neck. Her body turned so that her knees were on her seat, her feet in the air. (SPEAKING AS A GUY WHO HAS OWNED THREE SUV’S AND SCREWED IN A ’65 MUSTANG, EVEN IN A BIG SUV, IT WOULD BE NEITHER QUICK NOR EASY TO COMPEL HER TO GO FROM A SITTING POSITION TO ONE WHERE HER KNEES ARE ON THE SEAT. ALSO MOST SUV’S HAVE CENTER CONSOLES. IMHO, IT’S MORE LIKELY THAT SHE WOULD HAVE SLIPPED DOWN TO THE FLOOR AND IS NOW LEANING OVER THE CONSOLE WITH HER FACE IN HIS LAP.)
"Kiss it, you little slut. Feel how hard you're making me."
Again, she tried to pull away, but before she had much time to resist, David brought down a hard and swift blow to her naked ass. Her mouth opened to scream, but before any sound escaped he pushed her lips against his denim-covered cock, muffling the sound with his dick. (OMIT “WITH HIS DICK”)
"Mmm, yeah, you sweet little bitch..."
David's eyes fluttered shut at the feel of a warm mouth against his covered shaft, his hips gyrating under her face. Her lips felt so fucking good against his sex, the pink petals massaging the iron hardness as her mouth opened and closed, the denim protecting the sensitive skin from any accidental brushes of (BY) her teeth.
The hand closest to her (HE JUST SWATTED HER ON THE ASS) ass slid up and over the curve of her rump, his fingers sliding over the cheek that he had smacked. The flesh there was hot, and he heard a muffled moan against his crotch as his fingers trailed oh so softly against the stinging skin. He stopped at her sex, the material there soaked through with her juices.
--
But even better, (“EVEN BETTER” THAN WHAT?) was the feel of innocent Amy's tongue slowly trailing along the underside of his dick.
"Fuuuckkkk, yesss." His hips bucked upward, one finger slipping into her, only to be pulled back out and plunged back in again with the ferocity and zeal of a horse—meanwhile his middle finger strummed back and forth over her engorged nubbin, exhorting small mewls from the back of Amy's throat.
The hand that had once been on her neck moved to the back of her head, his fingers sliding through the satin locks to gain a strong reign (MAYBE “REIN”) over her. As soon as her lips were spread over the head of his heavy length, he pushed her head down until the engorged tip brushed the back of her throat muscles in a bliss-like massage.
"So fucking gooood, Amyyy"
He was breathing in and out of his (YOU BREATH “THROUGH” NOT “OUT” OF CLENCHED TEETH) clenched teeth, the muscles in his neck straining against his own neck (WHOA. “MUSCLES IN HIS NECK STRAINING AGAINST HIS OWN NECK”? I STRONGLY SUGGEST OMITTING “STRAINING AGAINST HIS OWN NECK”) as his head lolled (“LOLL” IMPLIES RELAXED “LOLLING AROUND ON THE BEACH” AND HIS NECK MUSCLES ARE IN A STRAIN.) backward. His fingers continued to plunge in and out of her tight little pussy, one finger turning into two. For not being a virgin she was as tight as Mary, (WHO’S MARY?) and two fingers alone stretched her well into overload drive. As he continued to stuff her mouth with his cock, he fucked her flooded cunt with his fingers in the same rhythm, slurpy sounds coming with every withdrawal of his thick digits.
Amy's throat muscles tightened around his meat as she chocked (TYPO “CHOKED”) from being force-fed his dick, and David watched in the moonlight as her face turned red and then purple, tears beginning to bubble from the corners of her eyes. His balls began to tighten, the constant lapping of her snake-like tongue against the seam of his shaft stoking the flames in his lower abdomen into outrageously large fires of insatiable passion. (A TRUTH IN PORN, HYPERBOLE ALERT: TEARS DON’T BUBBLE FROM THE CORNERS OF EYES AND IF A GAL IS ASPHYXIATING ON A COCK, I’VE GOT A HUNCH SHE’S NOT GONNA BE SIMULTANEOUSLY LAPPING HER SNAKE-LIKE TONGUE AGAINST THE SEAM OF THE SHAFT)
A heat began in his toes, trailing up his calves and then into a burning in his thighs. One set of fingers pressed into her scalp (MIGHT ADD “, FORCING HER”) to take him deeper yet, while his other fingers kept tempo, fucking her twat so hard that her ass was bouncing against his hand so that he might go deeper still.
Her throat contracted, (AGAIN-HAPPENED TWO PARAGRAPHS AGO) and if his meat hadn't been in her mouth he knew she would have been coughing. This small thought sent David crazy, and a groan gurgled from his own parted lips.
And before he had time to generate a warning, cum exploded out of the tip of his cock (WHERE ELSE? OMIT “THE TIP OF”), spraying the back of her throat (HOW CAN THIS BE IF HE BURIED SO DEEP AMY’S THROAT MUSCLES CAN TIGHTEN AROUND HIS MEAT…“?) with jet after jet of milky white liquid.
His fingers dug into her skull (THIS IS NON-CONSENT, NOT HORROR J MAYBE CHANGE “SKULL” TO “SCALP”) and his back arched with orgasm, his fingers diving so far into her cunt that she moaned over his still spasming cock, vibrating the skin around his balls and making his hips shoot upward. His balls slapped against her chin, and she moaned again.
Finally, he pulled her mouth off of his cock. His breathing regulated, (THE FIRST PART OF THIS SENTENCE DOESN’T SEEM TO HAVE MUCH TO DO WITH THE OTHER HALF. MIGHT OMIT “BUT” AND START A NEW SENTENCE) but her tongue sneaked out from her lips to lick at his sac, hungrily like a cat trying to feed off its mama's tit.
"No." He yanked her head upward so that her eyes met his. Her face was returning to a natural shade of pink.
"So you're a cum slut, eh?"
"I—"
"You... are. You liked (EITHER “LIKE” OR OMIT “TO HAVE” ADD “HAVING”) to have me in your mouth... it excited you." His fingers were still at her vagina, but not inside of her. Instead, his digit tips brushed over the lips of her entrance, his middle finger still mildly playing with her clit. She bit her lower lip as to (OMIT “AS TO” ADD “TRYING”) not moan out her true feelings. (ANOTHER POV SHIFT. TO AVOID IT JUST ADD “APPARENTLY” BEFORE “TRYING”)
--
He rolled his hips again, his dick taking another stab at her entrance, and then clit. Amy began to pant as he coated himself with her wetness with (OMIT “WITH” ADD “USING”) back and forth strokes.
"No, I caaan'ttt."
The pitch of her voice inclined as he nipped at the thin material keeping her breasts poised in front of his face, his tongue smashing against one plush nipple through the material. Amy began to squirm.
"But... I think... you can..." In between every word he sipped harder at her nipples, going back and forth from one to the other, his hands till pressed tightly against her ribcage to keep her in the air.
"Noooo.... Oh, yessss. Fuck yesss..." Tears began to fall down her cheeks, landing on her breasts. David growled, every moment passed a moment harder not to impale her with his cock.
"Tell me what you want, baby whore. Do you want my cock in you? Do you want to be used? Just tell me, and I'll give it to you..." He sucked at the soft tissue above her bra, letting his face dig between the fleshy globes.
His pelvis continued to roll, his dick head teasing her clit. She moaned loudly, her head lolling backward.
"Yes! I want it allllll, God! Mr. Richards, fuck me, pleeeaaase. Harddd." (YOU HAVE JUST EXCEEDED THE MAXIMUM ALLOWANCE FOR EXAGGERATED WORD SPELLING TO INDICATE PASSION. YOU HAD SEVEN IN THE LAST SIX PARAGRAPHS WITH SEVERAL MORE COMING UP. IMHO, IT’S USUALLY A GOOD IDEA TO KEEP THESE TO A MINIMUM.)
It was all David needed to hear. He let go of her, her tense little pussy sliding like a glove onto his prick. They both groaned loudly and simultaneously, the first thrust pushing at the back wall of her cervix from the odd position the car seat forced them to be in.
The steering wheel dug into Amy's back as she bounced up and down on David's cock, her eyes squeezed so tightly shut she could see red behind her eyelids.
It was the most beautiful David had ever seen the young adult, and he growled as he grabbed her hips and made her bounce harder on top of (OMIT “ON TOP OF” CAN’T BOUNCE UNDER A LAP) his lap, his fat dick molesting her tight opening.
"Fuckk! You are a tight... little... slut, aren't you? Yeah, ride me harderrr...fuck... Ehhhhhh."
"Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm." Little squeals escaped Amy's mouth as she let herself go wild, following the man's beneath her directions (OMIT “MAN’S BENEATH HER DIRECTIONS” ADD “DIRECTIONS OF THE MAN BENEATH HER”) and bouncing powerfully on his cock.
--
Finally, he picked her back up and with help, she crawled back over onto her own seat. He stuck his wet and used cock back in his pants, and zippered up. He glanced as Amy slowly pulled her pants back on over her thighs, wincing; her body still sore from the brutal fucking it just took. (HAD JUST TAKEN) She put her jacket on and buttoned it up to hide the fact that all of the buttons on her shirt were missing.
OK, I am completely impressed!
I like that first paragraph, about what she is doing, but it really isn't necessary, and might even add something if the reader does not know what she did first off.
In my opinion, there are only a couple of minor things (I don't do grammar or technical errors sorry), like the end does feel like it is missing something; and it also always drives me batty when story lines say a man did any of that stuff and he can just go home like his wife won't smell another woman on him a mile away. Not saying you should change that, it's just a side note.
All in All... I LOVED IT!!!
Write more!!!
I like that first paragraph, about what she is doing, but it really isn't necessary, and might even add something if the reader does not know what she did first off.
In my opinion, there are only a couple of minor things (I don't do grammar or technical errors sorry), like the end does feel like it is missing something; and it also always drives me batty when story lines say a man did any of that stuff and he can just go home like his wife won't smell another woman on him a mile away. Not saying you should change that, it's just a side note.
All in All... I LOVED IT!!!
Write more!!!
Rumple Foreskin
The AH Patriarch
- Joined
- Jan 18, 2002
- Posts
- 11,109
Newbies can be a such a nuisance
Just a "bump" to get Sati's very commendable story ahead of the single digit IQ newbies who posted their stories here instead of the Story Feedback forum where they belong.
RF
Just a "bump" to get Sati's very commendable story ahead of the single digit IQ newbies who posted their stories here instead of the Story Feedback forum where they belong.
RF
the_bragis
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Mar 25, 2002
- Posts
- 389
Hello Sati,
Welcome.
Well what an eroitc little game of cat and mouse this is! I’m not usually a fan of these kinds of stories, but this one I'll make an exception. Sure there are a few little technical hiccups, and you've already had the benefit of Rumple's excellent feedback on that, which is good because you won't get that from a novice like me.
You asked if your opening paragraphs threw the rest of your story off. Personally I had no trouble with these, although they did feel a little weak against the rest of your story. Rumple is right, words like 'ushered' were too soft. I'm not really sure why you asked this. I didn't really understand what you mean. Did I miss something? They seemed fine to me.
I loved this line, and this is probably one I would have tried to incorporate right at the beginning. For me this is a real take a look and you’re hooked kind of sentence - not a single explicative and yet it sizzles right off the page.
A couple of things I thought the story didn't need were:
Extra letters don't give extra impact; in fact they actually bug some readers,so don't use 'emmmmmm! Ok?
The header in italics, the warning, was totally unnecessary. I see this kind of thing often and it drives me nuts. I mean- 'warning this story contains graphic language and adult content'? What else would you be expecting or indeed be looking for in the non-consensual category of an adult story site?
Finally your ending, unlike the others, I thought it was classic. I mean there they were in a wild frenzy of illict sex - explicatives flying left right and centre, then ten minutes later it's all formal "Amy and Mr. Richard' gentile again. I loved that contrast. As a reader I know it's all an act between them, an undercurrent, their funny little way of pretending it never really happend. You don't need to spell it out, I enjoy little sublties like that.. Come to think of it I enjoy the whole freaking story from start to finish.
I wish you well with your future wrtiing.
Have a great day now,
Alex (fem).
Welcome.
Well what an eroitc little game of cat and mouse this is! I’m not usually a fan of these kinds of stories, but this one I'll make an exception. Sure there are a few little technical hiccups, and you've already had the benefit of Rumple's excellent feedback on that, which is good because you won't get that from a novice like me.
You asked if your opening paragraphs threw the rest of your story off. Personally I had no trouble with these, although they did feel a little weak against the rest of your story. Rumple is right, words like 'ushered' were too soft. I'm not really sure why you asked this. I didn't really understand what you mean. Did I miss something? They seemed fine to me.
I loved this line, and this is probably one I would have tried to incorporate right at the beginning. For me this is a real take a look and you’re hooked kind of sentence - not a single explicative and yet it sizzles right off the page.
A couple of things I thought the story didn't need were:
Extra letters don't give extra impact; in fact they actually bug some readers,so don't use 'emmmmmm! Ok?
The header in italics, the warning, was totally unnecessary. I see this kind of thing often and it drives me nuts. I mean- 'warning this story contains graphic language and adult content'? What else would you be expecting or indeed be looking for in the non-consensual category of an adult story site?
Finally your ending, unlike the others, I thought it was classic. I mean there they were in a wild frenzy of illict sex - explicatives flying left right and centre, then ten minutes later it's all formal "Amy and Mr. Richard' gentile again. I loved that contrast. As a reader I know it's all an act between them, an undercurrent, their funny little way of pretending it never really happend. You don't need to spell it out, I enjoy little sublties like that.. Come to think of it I enjoy the whole freaking story from start to finish.
I wish you well with your future wrtiing.
Have a great day now,
Alex (fem).
Last edited:
dr_mabeuse
seduce the mind
- Joined
- Oct 10, 2002
- Posts
- 11,528
It's a very good piece in my opinion, very carefully written, a lot of sensual imagery and description, with some very nice touches. I especially liked the opening with the two doors. That was clever, and a nice opening. I also liked the way you managed to tell us the he was a lawyer without interupting the flow of the story. That's a sign of craftsmanship to me, to be able to inform the reader without his being aware that you're doing so.
But no one learns anything from priase, right? *L* So let's get out the scalpel.
The touches I mentioned above might be called "tactics" I suppose. They're ways of achieving authorial ends in a story, kind of like devices, like the tactic of having someone check themselves out in a mirror so you can decribe them to the reader without stopping the story. You're very good with those, especially at the start.
The biggest problem area with the story for me was the language you use. You seem to go out of your way to avoid repeating the same word in a paragraph and it makes the language awkward. So in one place we get him touching her with his fingers and then doing something with his 'digits'. When he's screwing her you use the bizarre "man's beneath her" to identify him. Really, I think 'his" would have worked.
At times I can feel you working really hard to find the right word, and sometimes you miss. I think there was a part where he "speculates" her body with his eyes. In any case, after a while I did find myself longing for some easier, simpler prose; something that flowed better. To really discuss this though we'd have to do a close edit.
There's also a tendency to overwrite. In fact, I would say that the whole piece is overwritten. By that I mean that (1) you tell us more than we need to know, and (2) your focus is always very tight, as if in close up.
As to (1), it turns out we really don't need to know that he's a lawyer, or that his wife had a baby, or even what he looks like. If you want to establish that he's an adulterer there are easier and more direct ways of doing it, and, really, does his past have an effect on what happens in the story?
For (2) there are places where you really should pull back and give us a medium shot: when they're walking to the car we don't need to know about her waiting at the door while he unlocks it, stuff like that. I know everyone says show don't tell, but the truth is that every story has parts that should be told, otherwise it's just unrelenting detail and the readers suffocate. The medium shot sets up the close-up. It's how you distinguish what's important in a story from what's not.
You spend a lot of time on the opening, it seemed to me. The smell of sex thing. It seemed to me like the house must really stink. I would have liked to see some visual cues that the boyfriend had been there: 2 glasses in the sink, the sofa cushions dented. You could have had Mr Richards just see the headlights on the kid's car pulling out as he pulled in. He's no dummy. He would have known what was going on.
The sex: You know, I was reading this and it was very good, but something kept bothering me and I couldn't quite figure out what it was. I think maybe there was too much of a good thing as far as detail goes. Maybe too much colorful descriptive language; not enough simple recounting of what was going on. It's like I could see the fingers and lips, but I couldn't see the bodies, if that makes any sense.
Or it might be that we were told too much of what was going on outside and not enough of what was going on inside their minds. You are very stingy with information about what she's experiencing during this ordeal. Certainly she was apprehensive, but what happened when he started touching her and calling her names? Did she start to lose control of herself? Did she really want this to happen? Did he know she really wanted this to happen?
You don't have to spell this out for us. You can show us in the way she touched him (nervously, eagerly, etc.) or the way she reacted to his touch. But to me she really disappeared during the sex, And he kind of did too.
So, that's it: simpler language, don't try so hard, medium focus, character's feelings revealed through action.
Still, very very good story. Look forward tomore.
Regards,
---dr.M.
But no one learns anything from priase, right? *L* So let's get out the scalpel.
The touches I mentioned above might be called "tactics" I suppose. They're ways of achieving authorial ends in a story, kind of like devices, like the tactic of having someone check themselves out in a mirror so you can decribe them to the reader without stopping the story. You're very good with those, especially at the start.
The biggest problem area with the story for me was the language you use. You seem to go out of your way to avoid repeating the same word in a paragraph and it makes the language awkward. So in one place we get him touching her with his fingers and then doing something with his 'digits'. When he's screwing her you use the bizarre "man's beneath her" to identify him. Really, I think 'his" would have worked.
At times I can feel you working really hard to find the right word, and sometimes you miss. I think there was a part where he "speculates" her body with his eyes. In any case, after a while I did find myself longing for some easier, simpler prose; something that flowed better. To really discuss this though we'd have to do a close edit.
There's also a tendency to overwrite. In fact, I would say that the whole piece is overwritten. By that I mean that (1) you tell us more than we need to know, and (2) your focus is always very tight, as if in close up.
As to (1), it turns out we really don't need to know that he's a lawyer, or that his wife had a baby, or even what he looks like. If you want to establish that he's an adulterer there are easier and more direct ways of doing it, and, really, does his past have an effect on what happens in the story?
For (2) there are places where you really should pull back and give us a medium shot: when they're walking to the car we don't need to know about her waiting at the door while he unlocks it, stuff like that. I know everyone says show don't tell, but the truth is that every story has parts that should be told, otherwise it's just unrelenting detail and the readers suffocate. The medium shot sets up the close-up. It's how you distinguish what's important in a story from what's not.
You spend a lot of time on the opening, it seemed to me. The smell of sex thing. It seemed to me like the house must really stink. I would have liked to see some visual cues that the boyfriend had been there: 2 glasses in the sink, the sofa cushions dented. You could have had Mr Richards just see the headlights on the kid's car pulling out as he pulled in. He's no dummy. He would have known what was going on.
The sex: You know, I was reading this and it was very good, but something kept bothering me and I couldn't quite figure out what it was. I think maybe there was too much of a good thing as far as detail goes. Maybe too much colorful descriptive language; not enough simple recounting of what was going on. It's like I could see the fingers and lips, but I couldn't see the bodies, if that makes any sense.
Or it might be that we were told too much of what was going on outside and not enough of what was going on inside their minds. You are very stingy with information about what she's experiencing during this ordeal. Certainly she was apprehensive, but what happened when he started touching her and calling her names? Did she start to lose control of herself? Did she really want this to happen? Did he know she really wanted this to happen?
You don't have to spell this out for us. You can show us in the way she touched him (nervously, eagerly, etc.) or the way she reacted to his touch. But to me she really disappeared during the sex, And he kind of did too.
So, that's it: simpler language, don't try so hard, medium focus, character's feelings revealed through action.
Still, very very good story. Look forward tomore.
Regards,
---dr.M.
dr_mabeuse
seduce the mind
- Joined
- Oct 10, 2002
- Posts
- 11,528
I posted my comments before I'd read the other reviews, which is my standard practice. Rumple gave you an excellent, excellent close analysis of some of the problems, and he mentioned several things in your choice of words. I'd intended to examine an excerpt from the story too, and in fact it's still on my clipboard, so I thought I'd might as well paste it and dig in.
----------------------------
Amy's hair had fallen to her shoulders through the course of the relatively short evening, the top button of her blouse missing and exposing the milky flesh of the small, but still perfectly constructed cleavage created by some sort of push-up bra. Black pants clung to the tight curves of her thighs and calves, flaring around her ankles and bare feet. She looked gorgeous to David, intoxicating in every way that a woman could be.
He hadn't realized that he had stopped moving until his wife bumped into him from behind, and agitation bit at the corners of his mind like an unwelcome friend. But the ever-suave man picked up his step again, grabbing his wife's hand and leading her into the kitchen towards the babysitter.
--------------------------------
Para I sentence 1: we don't need "through...evening" (when else would it have fallen?) and then you can see thatthe verb tense doesn't agree 'had fallen' with 'missing' & 'exposing'. Youcram too much info into that first sentence. You'vegot another tense confusion with 'clung' and 'flaring'. Then you've got the "looked gorgeous", which should be made obvious by his actions rather than told to us, and the rest of the sentence implies that she looked intoxicating too, which is not quite right. She may be intoxicating, butI don't think shecan look intoxicating.
Furthermore, the thought that an 18 year old ingenue could be as intoxicating as it was possible for a woman to be doesn't say much for David's taste in women.
Para 2: "Agitation...friend" doesn't work for me. I guess 'agitation; doesn't seem like an emotion to me, and the simile is confused, with the image of the unwelcome friend biting him.
The next sentence has "ever-suave". Now, I don't know if anyone uses the word 'suave' seriously any more; it's become something of a joke, along with its partner "debonnaire", and calling attention to it wth the 'ever' brought me up cold. "Picked up his step" is unfamiliar to me, although I know what you're saying, and I don't know how else I would have described what he was doing, walking-wise. Probably I would have just said that he stopped short and his wife bumped into her, then he collected himself and wlaked quickly into the kicthen, pulling her along. Something like that.
Most of the language problems are bot strictly 'wrong', but taken together they eventually give the story a slightly awkward feel. It's just something I'd watch in the future.
Best,
---dr.M.
----------------------------
Amy's hair had fallen to her shoulders through the course of the relatively short evening, the top button of her blouse missing and exposing the milky flesh of the small, but still perfectly constructed cleavage created by some sort of push-up bra. Black pants clung to the tight curves of her thighs and calves, flaring around her ankles and bare feet. She looked gorgeous to David, intoxicating in every way that a woman could be.
He hadn't realized that he had stopped moving until his wife bumped into him from behind, and agitation bit at the corners of his mind like an unwelcome friend. But the ever-suave man picked up his step again, grabbing his wife's hand and leading her into the kitchen towards the babysitter.
--------------------------------
Para I sentence 1: we don't need "through...evening" (when else would it have fallen?) and then you can see thatthe verb tense doesn't agree 'had fallen' with 'missing' & 'exposing'. Youcram too much info into that first sentence. You'vegot another tense confusion with 'clung' and 'flaring'. Then you've got the "looked gorgeous", which should be made obvious by his actions rather than told to us, and the rest of the sentence implies that she looked intoxicating too, which is not quite right. She may be intoxicating, butI don't think shecan look intoxicating.
Furthermore, the thought that an 18 year old ingenue could be as intoxicating as it was possible for a woman to be doesn't say much for David's taste in women.
Para 2: "Agitation...friend" doesn't work for me. I guess 'agitation; doesn't seem like an emotion to me, and the simile is confused, with the image of the unwelcome friend biting him.
The next sentence has "ever-suave". Now, I don't know if anyone uses the word 'suave' seriously any more; it's become something of a joke, along with its partner "debonnaire", and calling attention to it wth the 'ever' brought me up cold. "Picked up his step" is unfamiliar to me, although I know what you're saying, and I don't know how else I would have described what he was doing, walking-wise. Probably I would have just said that he stopped short and his wife bumped into her, then he collected himself and wlaked quickly into the kicthen, pulling her along. Something like that.
Most of the language problems are bot strictly 'wrong', but taken together they eventually give the story a slightly awkward feel. It's just something I'd watch in the future.
Best,
---dr.M.
champagne1982
Dangerous Liaison
- Joined
- Aug 31, 2002
- Posts
- 7,671
This is a great story. Your descriptive language is wonderful! You seem to be able to find the best word in most situations. I like the flow of the tale, although you do tend to focus a little more precisely than necessary in some places. I found myself annoyed, rather than teased, while reading when you seemed to get trapped in the minutia of her shoe style or David's philandering.
I adored the way you turned him predator!
"Indeed, David was quite sure that Amy was innocent of the crime she had been committing ever since she stepped into his house and shook his hand in introduction; the crime of silent seduction. That shameless look dancing on the shimmering surface of her sugary brown eyes betrayed her childlike façade- waving its scent before his senses, just daring him to grab her and take her prisoner."
(I think you could make him even more wolfish if you changed the second sentence into two.)
"That shameless look dancing on the shimmering surface of her sugary brown eyes betrayed her childlike façade. (Add something to explain what she's waving, perhaps her secret desire or wantoness, at the start of the next thought.) Her secret wantoness waving it's (Use its as a possessive here, not the contraction of it is.) scent in front of his (Nose should be the word not senses. Humans cannot see, hear, feel or taste scent.) nose."
I understand you need to mention the wind and the season before the leaf scene, for continuity's sake. I think you the paragraph you did it in could have been a bit better though. For example:
"David followed suit, but like earlier in the evening, he didn't grab his jacket."
(This statement doesn't really make sense in light of the fact that the man had only been inside his house briefly. I think he'd have been well aware of the outside weather.)
Throughout the story you mention the infant. You didn't need to justify Amy's job because the baby adored her, the baby, after all, is a newborn. I'm just a little incredulous that a newborn would be emotionally mature enough to care. Maybe the rarity of available sitters in their area would be more convincing.
"I'll talk to her. She's too valuable to lose as a sitter. Katie loves her. I'll drop her off, say a few words. Maybe she'll get the picture."
Spell checker is a great device but it won't tell you if you've used the correct word or grammar, unfortunately.
" "Buckle up," he said in a courser (Should this be coarser?) than usual voice."
Sincerely, I hope my observations have helped, I look forward to more of your stories.
Carrie
I adored the way you turned him predator!
"Indeed, David was quite sure that Amy was innocent of the crime she had been committing ever since she stepped into his house and shook his hand in introduction; the crime of silent seduction. That shameless look dancing on the shimmering surface of her sugary brown eyes betrayed her childlike façade- waving its scent before his senses, just daring him to grab her and take her prisoner."
(I think you could make him even more wolfish if you changed the second sentence into two.)
"That shameless look dancing on the shimmering surface of her sugary brown eyes betrayed her childlike façade. (Add something to explain what she's waving, perhaps her secret desire or wantoness, at the start of the next thought.) Her secret wantoness waving it's (Use its as a possessive here, not the contraction of it is.) scent in front of his (Nose should be the word not senses. Humans cannot see, hear, feel or taste scent.) nose."
I understand you need to mention the wind and the season before the leaf scene, for continuity's sake. I think you the paragraph you did it in could have been a bit better though. For example:
"David followed suit, but like earlier in the evening, he didn't grab his jacket."
(This statement doesn't really make sense in light of the fact that the man had only been inside his house briefly. I think he'd have been well aware of the outside weather.)
Throughout the story you mention the infant. You didn't need to justify Amy's job because the baby adored her, the baby, after all, is a newborn. I'm just a little incredulous that a newborn would be emotionally mature enough to care. Maybe the rarity of available sitters in their area would be more convincing.
"I'll talk to her. She's too valuable to lose as a sitter. Katie loves her. I'll drop her off, say a few words. Maybe she'll get the picture."
Spell checker is a great device but it won't tell you if you've used the correct word or grammar, unfortunately.
" "Buckle up," he said in a courser (Should this be coarser?) than usual voice."
Sincerely, I hope my observations have helped, I look forward to more of your stories.
Carrie
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