Discussion: Hrefnadakis

[KillerMuffin]

A new story up for discussion folks!

Since Hrefna listed it first, I put in the link to Delivery for your convenience (just click the word Delivery). Please discuss Delivery in this thread. If interested, Hrefna can sign up the others for later discussion! Thanks everyone!

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I've posted to this board and have not provided anything for dissection.

I have three submissines
1) Delivery
2) Jade Keeps Rollin' with Deadman Inc.
and
3) Celuna's Hunt.

at: http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=158208

Any constructive criticism will be welcome. I've finally learned how to take it without crying or becoming pissed LOL

Hrefna

 

[Guest]

Hello, Hrefnadakis, and welcome to the SDC.

This means, of course, you are a brave soul.

Getting right into your story for "mechanical" corrections (and I do have an additional comment or two below):

Just then she heard the rumbled of the delivery truck pulling in behind the little diner.
Wrong tense for rumbled; should be rumble.

“Its about time” she muttered.
Apostrophe in the contraction It’s and a comma after time and before the second quotation mark.

“Hey’ he said with a heart stopping smile, “Can you… sign for this.”
Your punctuation throughout the story suffers. Also, if you plan to continue the thought beyond the comma after word "smile," do not capitalize; also missing question mark; ellipsis points have spaces before and after; so, revising this:

“Hey,” he said, with a heart stopping smile, “can you … sign for this?”

Or, separate sentences (also demostrating another way to show ellipsis with spaces, my preference):

“Hey,” he said, with a heart stopping smile. “Can you . . . sign for this?”



“Yeah, not a problem” she said in a husky voice. He saw the desire building in her eyes as she watched him. He smiled at her again and watched her breath catch.
This is my last time for the comment regarding punctuation after a quote. Also, "Husky voice" in a woman? Is that what you meant? Your use of the combination "breath catch" is not idiomatic; use "caught her breath":

“Yeah, not a problem,” she replied. Deep desire swelled in her staring eyes. Again, he smiled at her as she caught her breath.



God she wanted to fuck him and now.
Sentence tense confusion. She wanted to fuck him, so it can't be now, right? Try:

God, she wanted to fuck him, right then and there.

He waited until the last two boxes were being carried in.
That's a little confusing.

Do you mean:
He waited for the last two boxes to be carried in.

or,

He waited for her as she carried in the last two boxes.

Avoid the use of “being” (of the verb 'to be'), and more importantly, it is often redundant.

Then he didn’t move out of the way when she came back out of the storeroom. She looked at him a little hesitantly and turned to the side. He followed suit and they tried to move passed one another. She stopped dead in her tracks when her stomach was brushed by something rigid, very rigid. Her breath caught again as she looked up into his eyes. They were slumberous and dark with desire. Her nipples tightened beneath her uniform and she felt the hot wetness of her need. He put the box down and stared into her eyes. Then he leaned down and kissed her hard. He thrust his tongue passed her full lips and deep into her sweet mouth. She moaned in response as she returned his kiss. He pressed her up against the wall, letting his hands move to her hips. He pulled her tight against his erection, brushing it back and forth against her.
Good attempt at tension in this paragraph. Too bad it’s laced with sentences beginning with He’s and She’s.

Suddenly she pushed him back, her breath coming in heavy pants. He looked at her with a question in his eyes.
More idiomatic is: “… with questioning eyes”. Otherwise, painful surgery would be required to remove the curly "?" from the pupil. That said, a "question" may be found on one's "lips".

He pushed her back against the wall and ran his eyes over her. Holding her gaze, he reached for the first button on her uniform. Slowly he flicked it loose. Then, caressing the skin bared to him, he opened the second button. He repeated the moves until her uniform hung open and her lithe body was bared to his hot gaze. Her full breasts were encased in deep purple lace. Matching French cut panties hid the core of her from him. He smiled. He loved purple and lace. He flicked the front closure of her bra open, spilling them into his hands as he ran his hot mouth along her sleek skin. She moaned as he ran his thumbs over her hard nipples, sending lightning bolts of pleasure straight between her thighs.
I’m going to recast your paragraph to show you what I mean by avoiding "primer" language and varying sentence introductions:

Pushing her back against the wall and locking her eyes into his gaze, he reached for the first button on her uniform, loosening it slowly. Softly caressing her bare skin, he twiddled the second button, then the third, until all were unfastened to partly reveal her lithe body. Full breasts were encased in deep purple lace, and the core of her womanhood hid from him behind matching French-cut panties. A smile curled on his warm face from his visual favorites—purple and lace. He flicked the front closure of her bra, freeing her succulent mounds that spilled into his hands. Running his hot mouth along her sleek skin, he massaged his thumbs over hard nipples, sending bolts of pleasure straight to her inner thighs. She moaned aloud.

Or, something like that. With more work, that certainly can be improved, also.


He continued to thrust into her, deep and shallow. Deep. Deep. Shallow. Shallow. Deep.
Interesting way to describe a fuck without saying it, I suppose.

“See you when you get home…. ”
No need for ellipsis points here—just end the sentence.

“Most definitely…. Happy Anniversary.”
Happy Anniversary are not proper nouns—do no capitalize.

“Most definitely … happy anniversary.”

or,

“Most definitely. Happy anniversary, sweetheart.”



Okay, those were some overall, general style, grammar, and punctuation comments from me. Others certainly can add, but I’ll leave some meat on the bone:

1. Cute little story. Personally, I’m fond of and use these constructions that provide a little twist—a little piece of candy—a treat. Thanks.

2. Lots and lots of sentences begin with the “He” and the “She” and the “Him” and the “Her” pronouns. Good thing this was a short piece, otherwise you could have easily bored your audience (me). Try recasting your sentences to add variety to keep your readers interested. There are lots of techniques for this. The story suffers a little from "primer" language.

3. Keep writing, no matter what we say here, because the practice will make you better. It’s obvious you have an interest and some talent for writing. Don’t be afraid to open up and experiment a little more, especially on a site like Lit.

Thanks for being brave and submitting your story for review on the SDC.

I voted a “4”, which rounded up from a 3.75: "3" for the style/grammar/punctuation, and a "4" for the story idea.

Regards,
ProofreadManx

 

[Singularity]

A second hello, Hrefnadakis.

I won't delve into the sentence structure and related things that Manx highlighted, other than to say that I agree with his comments.

My feedback is more about what the premise and the conclusion. After reading the story twice (going back to reread the beginning after finding out the ending), I was left with a number of questions.

Did the husband/deliveryman always deliver to the diner, and did he know Abigail? Has he done anything similar with her, or at least flirting?

Did Abigail set this up? Or did she know what was going to happen?

Did the wife know? Whose idea was it?

I realize that you can't tell too much too soon without giving away the ending, but there could be some more subtle hints that, if you go back and read it a second time, would peek out at you like a tiny little pair of panties does when a woman bends over in a too-short skirt.

I didn't really get a feeling for the sexual tension that must have been there (if, of course, that the wife knew what was going to happen).

For the ending, the "See you when we get home" farewells seem a bit flat, for what has just happened. Perhaps a bit more energy or spirit (from the surprised one, if one of them was surprised).

Now, if your intent is to leave the reader itching to know who set who up, you succeeded, though I didn't feel that I liked not knowing, at the end (I know that is a double negative, but that's just the way the words came out).

I also would have liked to read more dialog, especially when he had her pinned to the wall, when they were fucking.

Overall, a nice little story, that just seemed to need a little more energy and dialog and emotional content, along with scratching my personal itch to know who arranged what at the end.

Thank you for submitting it.


Singularity

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Hrefna,

I agree with Proofread Manx and Singularity that this is a good read with a nice twist at the end. You’ve got a knack for telling a story. What you don’t have, IMHO, are all the tools needed to effectively communicate a story in written form. Don’t despair, those, “tools,” such as grammar and point of view, can be learned.

Check out the Writer’s Resources here at Lit for some good “down-and-dirty” articles on the nuts and bolts of writing fiction. IMHO, one of the cheapest and quickest ways to improve your “craft” is to write and read critiques of stories written by other folks. This forces you to try and figure out why one story works and another fails.

Getting zinged like this isn’t a lot of fun (I’m glad you’ve learned to take it w/o crying or getting pissed). But I promise you, it’ll teach you more about being a writer than all the warm-fuzzy atta-boys in the world. That’s why I keep volunteering my stuff. I figure sooner or later it’s bound to work on me.

Rumple Foreskin

--

She brushed the stray strands of hair away from her forehead. Even this early in the morning, it was hot. It was one (“…IT WAS HOT. IT WAS ONE…” MIGHT WANT TO BREAK UP THAT “ECHO”) of the rare occasions where she had been scheduled to meet their normal Wednesday morning delivery guy. She sighed as she straightened the counters for the fiftieth time.

Just then she heard the rumbled (RUMBLE) of the delivery truck pulling in behind the little diner. She grabbed the keys to the storeroom and moved towards the back door.

“Its about time” she muttered. She unlocked the back door at the knock and opened it. Her breath caught in her throat at the sight that greeted her. He was absolutely gorgeous. His hair, black as pitch, hung over one shoulder in a long thick ponytail. His eyes were a piercing green and his lips full, sensuous and kissable. She felt a syrupy heat pool low in her belly. His body was all hard muscle and bronzed skin.

“Hey’ he said with a heart stopping smile, “Can you… sign for this.”

(YOU ARE ABOUT TO COMMIT A FLAGRANT POV (POINT OF VIEW) SHIFT BY SWITCHING FROM SHOWING US THE STORY THROUGH THE GIRL’S EYES (POV) TO THOSE OF THE DELIVERY DRIVER. THE TIP-OFF IS THAT WE’VE BEEN TOLD WHAT SHE IS THINKING AND ARE ABOUT TO FIND OUT WHAT'S ON HIS MIND. ROMANCE NOVELIST OFTEN DO THIS DURING "LOVE" SCENES. IF NOT DONE WITH GREAT CARE, HOWEVER, THIS SORT OF “HEAD-HOPPING” CAN CONFUSE READERS WHICH IS A MAX NO-NO.
-POV IS, IMHO, ONE OF THE TOUGHEST ASPECTS OF WRITING TO MASTER. WHEN YOU DO, I CAN ALWAYS USE A REFRESHER COURSE.)

He let his eyes wander over her. She wasn’t the usual girl who was here on Wednesdays. She was taller by at least a foot. Her body was supple and lithe where Abigail’s was curvaceous. Her breasts were full but not ample like Abigail’s. He found himself getting hard just looking at her. He wanted her… bad.

(QUICK GRAMMAR LESSON. ELLIPSIS (…) ARE USED TO INDICATE AN OMISSION. FOR INSTANCE. “ARE WE ABOUT TO…” HIS WIFE INTERRUPTED, “OF COURSE NOT.”
--TO INDICATE A BREAK OR PAUSE, USE A DASH (--). “ARE WE—YOU KNOW, ABOUT TO…” HIS WIFE INTERRUPTED THE HESITANT QUESTION, “OF COURSE NOT.”)

“Yeah, not a problem” she said in a husky voice. He saw the desire building in her eyes as she watched him. He smiled at her again and watched her breath catch.

(PROOFREADMANX, WHO GAVE YOU A FINE CRITIQUE, HAD SOME HEARTBURN WITH “HUSKY VOICE.” WHILE I MIGHT MODIFY IT WITH “LOW” OR “SEXY” TO MAKE SURE READERS DON’T THINK SHE HAS A COLD, I’VE GOT NO PROBLEMS WITH THE TERM SINCE ACTRESSES SUCH AS LAUREN BACALL AND KATHLEEN TURNER ARE FAMOUS FOR THEIR HUSKY VOICES)

She led the way through the narrow hallway to the storeroom. Her rounded hips swayed in (WITH?) a natural grace. Unlocking the door, she preceded him inside as he carried the first box. (NEED A TRANSITION) She went out to the truck to help him. They worked out a system to maneuver through the tight hallway, one moving out of the way of the other. She felt herself breathing a little heavier as she watched his muscles ripple with each movement. God she wanted to fuck him and now. (EXCEPT FOR MY DEFENSE OF WOMEN WITH HUSKY VOICES, I AGREE WITH EVERYTHING PROOFREADMANX WROTE, INCLUDING HIS THOUGHTS ABOUT THAT LAST SENTENCE. HE MENTIONED YOUR OVERUSE OF THE “HE/SHE” PRONOUN AND ITS VARIATIONS. THAT’S A COMMON PROBLEM WITH THIRD PERSON, JUST LIKE OVERUSING “I” IS A PROBLEM IN FIRST PERSON. NOTICE IN THE LAST PARAGRAPH, HOW YOU USED “SHE: LED, PRECEDED, WENT, FELT, WATCHED, WANTED.)

--

She gradually dropped to her knees. Looking up at him, she opened her mouth and flicked her tongue over the tip of him. He quivered in response and buried his fingers in her hair. He moaned loudly as she slid her lips over him in one long deep slide. Leisurely, she ran her tongue around the crown of his penis as she sucked lightly. She met her lips with her hands and stroked him as she pulled her mouth almost completely off him. Then quickly, she took him in again. He moaned as he watched her tease his cock into an even harder erection. God she was good at this, really good. (IT’S USUALLY A GOOD IDEA TO AVOID USING THE SAME TERM MORE THAN ONCE IN A SENTENCE. IN THE SECOND ONE OF THIS PARAGRAPH, “HIM” SHOWS UP TWICE. IN THE SENTENCE THAT BEGINS “SHE MET HER LIPS…, “HIM” SHOWS UP TWICE AGAIN WHILE “HER” MAKES THREE APPEARANCES.)

--

Remember, all of this is strictly my humble, and subjective, opinion. I hope you find a few things that are helpful. As for the rest, well, you know where the DELETE key is located.

RF

 

[TheEarl]

Right, I will ofer my usual disclaimer: As a reader, I read to be entertained, but when I edit, I am a (actually probably THE) heartless bastard and will pick up on many pedantic points. I will sound very harsh, but don't take it too seriously, for I know not what I do. Best way to see the good bits is to watch where my nit picking pauses. That's where I've got lost in the flow of the story and forgotten what I was meant to be doing .

Remember that this is entirely a Matter Of Opinion, so feel free to ignore mine.


She brushed the stray strands of hair away from her forehead.

Good opening sentence. Like the alliteration of stray strands and it's a nice evocative image to start with.

It was one of the rare occasions where she had been scheduled to meet their normal Wednesday morning delivery guy.

A little clumsy in setting the scene though. I would personally have said She glanced at her watch, her irritation close to overflowing. She usually avoided worked Wednesday mornings just to avoid this pointless waiting around for the delivery man. It's a bit longer and still quite clumsy, but it's closer to telling rather than showing. You've just told us striaght out what's happening, whereas IMHO you should be showing us.

His hair, black as pitch, hung over one shoulder in a long thick ponytail. His eyes were a piercing green and his lips full, sensuous and kissable. She felt a syrupy heat pool low in her belly. His body was all hard muscle and bronzed skin.

Good descriptive passage, but you've used 'his' four times and three of them started a sentence. Try and vary the description, maybe work it into action (like: 'He tossed his pitch balck hair over one shoulder.' Cheesy I know, but off the top of my head) to avoid the sense of head to toe description (he had, he was, he is).

She was taller by at least a foot.

Just a bloke's perspective, men usually compare a girl's height to themselves rather than another girl.

She was taller by at least a foot. Her body was supple and lithe where Abigail’s was curvaceous. Her breasts were full but not ample like Abigail’s. He found himself getting hard just looking at her. He wanted her… bad.

Head to toe description. What you've given here is a straight description of parts of her using exactly the same formula for each sentence. Her ----- was ---- but not like Abigail's which was ----. The reader is bored by this point. Vary it and spread the description into action.

Why is your character noticing these things? Serious question. Thinnk about why your character has noticed how supple she is under a layer of clothing, yet has failed to notice her hair colour. Men may be interested in sex, but we do look at the face as well as the breasts. Close your eyes and picture your female character in your head. Pick out three things that you notice first up. Why do you notice them?

People don't just see things for no reason. I'll take that he's noticed her breasts cause he fancied her, but what other reason does he have for looking. Make sure you know.

He saw the desire building in her eyes as she watched him.

Either this man has the ego of Robbie Williams, or she's being really obvious about liking him. Women can tell whether men like them because men are simple creatures and don't understand subtlety. Men can rarely tell if women like them, because women drop hints, rather than walking around staring at men. Men don't get these hints of course, which is where the great dating confusion comes in. Where was I?

Oh yes, It's very difficult for a man to spot a woman liking him, because women don't use the man's technique of cleaning shoes with his tongue. So be careful of that.

She felt herself breathing a little heavier as she watched his muscles ripple with each movement. God she wanted to fuck him and now.

Is she sex starved? Does she just fancy this one bloke? Or does she do this for all the delivery workers? We don't know. We don't even know her name. More background so we can understand her motivation please.

He thrust his tongue passed her full lips and deep into her sweet mouth.

Not passed, should be past. Got me confused for second there. Very good sentence though.

Looking up at him, she opened her mouth and flicked her tongue over the tip of him.

You've used 'him' twice here. IMHO, 'him' isn't a good euphemism for penis. It just doesn't jibe with me. That is a MOO though.

She gradually dropped to her knees. Looking up at him, she opened her mouth and flicked her tongue over the tip of him. He quivered in response and buried his fingers in her hair. He moaned loudly as she slid her lips over him in one long deep slide. Leisurely, she ran her tongue around the crown of his penis as she sucked lightly. She met her lips with her hands and stroked him as she pulled her mouth almost completely off him. Then quickly, she took him in again. He moaned as he watched her tease his cock into an even harder erection. God she was good at this, really good.

13 uses of he or she to start a clause. It gets very samey. She did this, he did that. Admittedly, if I was just reading this, I probably wouldn't have noticed consciously, but it would have registered somewhere and disrupted my enjoyment of the story. Which is a pity, cause I like this scene. One of the best desriptions of a blow job I've read and she's barely got into it yet.

He smiled. He loved purple and lace. He flicked the front closure of her bra open, spilling them into his hands as he ran his hot mouth along her sleek skin. She moaned as he ran his thumbs over her hard nipples, sending lightning bolts of pleasure straight between her thighs.

Same thing again. 4 sentences, all beginning with he or she and two clauses within those sentences which begin with he or she. Again, nice description, I'm just getting jolted out of my mood by the repetitive style. I won't copy any more examples as you wouldn't learn anything from me repeating the same point over and over, but there are more.

Just as her orgasm began, he pulled his mouth away. She moaned in frustration. Her moans turned into a gasping scream as his hard shaft thrust inside her.

That's a very impressive movement and no one cry of "No, not that hole!" He was licking her and in one swift movement has penetrated her. Difficult manouevre to pull off. Don't try and dictate what you want your characters to do. Feel free to suggest, but watch them in your mind's eye and write down what you see, rather than what you think you should see.


Huge break here while I got enveloped in the sex scene. Very well written and definitely distracting .

Ah, nice twist. Although it meant you had to leave your reader suspended in ignorance of your characters for 90% of the story it was definitely worth the effort. I'll retract my comment about background, as you needed the ignorance to fuel the twist. Very nicely done.

Just reading through other people's eviews, I'd like to disagree with RumpleForeskin. IMHO ellipses can be used to indicate a pause in speech or thought (at least in English grammar they can, don't know about American). A dash isn't particularly good grammar in English. However in that case I don't think you needed an ellipsis, as I didn't really see you needing a pause there.


Overall a good story. Very good idea, but your writing let you down at times. Don't tell us what's happening like you're a sports commentator, just watch what your characters are doing in your mind's eye and put down what's happening. The reader doesn't need blow by blow. Very well written sex scene though.

And congratulations, you haven't incurred my wrath on any comma-related point .

Keep writing. I'll probably read your other stories later; this one's piqued my curiousity.

The Earl

 

[Celedriel]

I read the story "The Delivery."

I appreciated the fact that it was short, and that you quickly get into the situation; I don't how many stories I have to stop reading because there was a lot of extraneous explanation in the beginning or heaps of irrelevant details. Hooking people quickly is good.

A little constructive criticism:

"His hair, black as pitch, hung over one shoulder in a long thick ponytail. His eyes were a piercing green and his lips full, sensuous and kissable. She felt a syrupy heat pool low in her belly. His body was all hard muscle and bronzed skin."

There are lots of cliches in there, such as "black as pitch," and the tone reminds me of romance novel language. Now if that's the market you're submitting to (romance novels), then that's fine, but I don't think it works as erotica.

Hope that helps!

 

[Guest]

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Just reading through other people's eviews, I'd like to disagree with RumpleForeskin. IMHO ellipses can be used to indicate a pause in speech or thought (at least in English grammar they can, don't know about American). A dash isn't particularly good grammar in English. However in that case I don't think you needed an ellipsis, as I didn't really see you needing a pause there.
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The Earl

_____

Earl and Rumple are both correct (how's THAT for getting out of a pickle).

But let's clarify and distinguish when to use ellipsis ( . . . ) and the em-dash (—). Here's my nickle's worth.

First, let's reference a popular style guide (I like the Chicago Manual of Style—CMOS, for one, because I'm a writer from the US, and it is a very comprehensive manual constantly in revision and improvement):

The ellipsis, when used in dialog, is perfectly acceptable as a "pause". The dash, especially the "em-dash", in dialog, is most often used at the end of a line to interrupt or "break" the speech or train of thought. So Earl has some good points.

That said, however, in non-speech text, Rumple's points are also appropriate, and that is, the ellipsis more often than not is used as an indicator for "missing" words or information.

The em-dash has several uses, but for story writing on Lit, it is generally used to force a "double-comma" pause (not a break) or as a list separator, particularly when a number of items (or phrases) are summarized in a sentence burdened with commas—it's like taking a breath while reading.

The use of commas often seems to be a hotly debated topic on Lit (and guess what, everywhere else as well) because there are so many fucking rules and variations amongst styles. The trend, today, is to relax the need for commas, especially in sentences, well-coordinated and balanced with the standard small conjuctions (and, but, or, nor, for). Notice, I haven't adopted this technique, as yet.

But when in doubt on the use of punctuation, and this is especially important for those like Hrefnadakis, who seems to have that internal fire to tell us a good story—go ahead, spend a few bucks, invest in a Style Guide and other reference materials for your pesonal use, adopt them, and be consistent in their uses.

BTW, Hrefnadakis, we hope we haven't chased you away. The purpose of the SDC is to invite "you" into this discussion as well. The free exchange of ideas is encouraged here, because more often than not, someone has a better idea that can add to the discussion or aspect of your story, or you may have a clarification important to defend a position contrary to us trying to slice and dice your work of art. It also gives all the lurkers out there (and I was one for a number of months before I joined Lit) a chance to review the commentary and learn from the discussion. And if you think about it, this is a rather remarkable thing on this very free site.

What's nice about this thread is that we tend to get really in depth in the analysis, which in instructional and informative for writers, newbie and pros, alike. Maybe you can also stop by and tell us all to go to hell, too! If you are waiting, fine, but we really would like you to engage us and our commentary—don't be shy, bashful, or afraid. You're part of a community, now—as a fellow Lit writer.

Let me close by leaving Hrefnadakis a quote to think about:

"Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger."—Franklin Jones

ProofreadManx

 

[DarlingNikki]

Okay, I have given feedback a few times now, but never in here, so I hope it works out okay...

I want to say first that I liked your story, especially the twist ending. I thought it was sweet and it made me smile. But I have to say, if I was reading the story just for myself I wouldn't have finished it after they get together so quick. (Then again, that's just me -- plenty of people love stories that jump right into the action.) But maybe you could have put in some sort of hint that these two weren't strangers to each other. We don't have to know exactly what the situation is, but if there was just some tiny hint. Having said that, I have no idea how that would be accomplished; until now I've mostly written essays and journal entries. You mention that she wasn't the usual girl, but maybe if you specifically mention he was surprised to see her in particular. I don't know.

Your paragraph:

She brushed the stray strands of hair away from her forehead. Even this early in the morning, it was hot. It was one of the rare occasions where she had been scheduled to meet their normal Wednesday morning delivery guy. She sighed as she straightened the counters for the fiftieth time.

I like all the sentances, especially the first one, but they sound kind of unconnected to me. You mention it's hot, which is a nice detail, but it doesn't seem to have anything to do with the strands of hair or the delivery guy. Maybe if her forehead had been sweaty, or something.

I like the part about the husky voice. I read it to mean her voice was temporarily husky from desire and I thought it worked.

I think the sex is hot and well-written although I agree with those who suggested varying the sentance beginnings. But this part:

When her hot mouth locked onto the curve of his shoulder and began to knead with her teeth, he lost it. The sounds of his thrusts a drum beat against the wall behind her. Her nails dug into his back and raked downward as she felt his seed spill deep into her body in a volcanic hot rush. He roared his release against her throat

"The sounds of his thrusts..." - that sentance seems weird to me and I'm not sure what you meant and whether you meant it to be a fragment. Fragments are ok with me, but I don't think it works in this paragraph. I think it as a fragment it would fit well into the preceding paragraph where you say "Deep. Shallow. Deep." etc. (I liked that part too, btw.)

I liked the simplicity of their comments at the end. I felt like they didn't really need to say more, that they had already done all the real communicating. I think anything more would have been overwrought and might have seemed like it doubted the reader's ability to understand the twist without further explanation. As I said, I thought the ending was very clever and sweet.

Nikki

 

[bridgeburner]

Let's see if I have anything new to add

I'll try not to repeat anything already mentioned.

She brushed the stray strands of hair away from her forehead. Even this early in the morning, it was hot. It was one of the rare occasions where she had been scheduled to meet their normal Wednesday morning delivery guy. She sighed as she straightened the counters for the fiftieth time.

I understand the need for the reader not to know who the delivery guy is, but "normal Wednesday morning delivery guy" hangs me up a bit. This makes him somebody she knows but doesn't care enough to name or comment on and that's not just misleading it's untrue. When I got to the end I was more than surprised to find out they're married.

Even this early in the morning, it was hot and she sighed as she straightened the counters for the fiftieth time. Wednesday morning wasn't her regular shift, but Abigail was out today and someone had to meet the delivery guy.

You could even skip naming Abigail call her a co-worker or "the usual girl" or "that slag who called in hungover" or whatever. Abigail doesn't serve any purpose except as a foil to loosely describe Our Girl, so unless you're really attached to mentioning her you'd do better to excise her completely.

He followed suit and they tried to move passed one another. She stopped dead in her tracks when her stomach was brushed by something rigid, very rigid.

How big are these boxes that they're carrying? Logistically this was a bit weird to me because I see him with a box in his arms scooting past her but unless he's thrusting his hips out past the end of the box from underneath I can't imagine how she'd be able to feel his erection. If she were to carry the last box he could be standing immediately behind her when she turned around to come out. No awkward box to deal with.

She gradually dropped to her knees.

Dropping is quick. The only way to do it gradually is to hit things on the way down and get hung up momentarily. Sinking is better. It can be done at any speed one likes.

“When I come I want to be buried between your thighs,”

This is personal preference and some people absolutely hate what I'm about to suggest so take it with a grain of salt, but this sounded a little stilted to me. Substituting "wanna" for "want to" would've helped me over that hump.

Just as her orgasm began

This may also be a personal thing (and overshare, as well) but in my experience once the orgasm starts there's no holding it back. You can stop me on the edge of climax but once that first pulse begins I'm a goner. You can bring somebody to the edge over and over for hours, though if you're careful. It's the tipping over into oblivion that can't be undone.

That's about it for me on a first reading. Nice suspense and it certainly got my blood working!

-B

 

[TheEarl]

Hrefna: Do feel free to come back and talk to us. Even if it's just to tell us we're all full of shit.

The Earl

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Fine. Great. Terrific.

There were some wrong words, but everything else was very nice, very workmanlike.

So why was I so bored? How come I knew what was going to happen from the second paragraph? Have I been here too long?

If they ever write a computer program to write porn, it'll turn out stuff like this.

I'm such an asshole.

---dr.M.

 

[TheEarl]

Hey Doc, we need a bad cop. All of us in here are just too nice and "I don't mean to offend you, but."

Be evil .

The Earl

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Rave on Doc. Sincerity is so important. As they say, once you learn how to fake that, everthing else is a snap.

RF

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I should really have been more specific in my comments. I always try to write my critique before I read the other comments (I think that's only fair; it's so easy to be get biased by another's opinions), but having read them now, I think it helps sharpen my focus.

First of all, I think you're a very capable writer. That's what I meant by "workmanlike". I wouldn't worry about all the punctuation and wrong words. It's always nice to get those things right, but I don't see mechanics as being the main deficiency in this story.

For me there's a lack of emotion in the story, and I don't mean on the part of the characters. It never gets to the point where you feel that the author is really into it, really getting off on describing what's happening. There's no intensity; non eof that depth of feeling that I associate with sex.

This is a point that's come up before, and this might just be my preference, but I don't find sex without drama to be very exciting. Even in "loving couples" sex there has to be some sort of tension, even if it's only of the building-to-orgasm type. To me, nice sex between nice people is just, well, nice. It doesn't excite me, it doesn't tell me or show me anything I don't already know. It had no emotion beyond niceness.

What tension there is in the story is of course vitiated by the ending. It's not your fault that I happen to have run into a bunch of stories that use this device to defuse the tension in a story and turn what seems like an act of uncontrollable passion into an act of loving and playful sex. To tell you the truth, I'm always disappointed. The other variation on this theme is the "it was only a dream" device, but at least in that you're left with wondering just what kind of person would dream such wild and lusty sex.

I'd rather have it end with them still being strangers. The whole thing is much more interesting to me if she comes off as a normal girl with an uncontrollable hot streak and he comes off as Don Juan in a bread truck. Think of how much more fire they would generate; the passion and drama of love with a stranger, knocking over the loaves of bread as they tore at each others' clothes, kicking over the jar of pickles, making love on a pile of hamburger buns...

Anyhow, that's my take.

I guess I'd just rather believe in a world where some waitress might throw herself at me than a world where the only way that could happen to me is if I set the whole thing up ahead of time.

Regards, from the pile of hamburger buns,

---dr.M.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Good critique, Doc. It got me to thinking, which is a rare feat. I don't mean to be putting words in your mouth or re-stating your case, but I've got a hunch what you found lacking can be summed up in one word, CONFLICT. Lacking some sort of conflict, any story is really just an anecdote-a description of an event.

Did I hit the nail on the head, or just my thumb?

Rumple Foreskin

 

[dr_mabeuse]

The Head.

---dr.M.

 

[abashed-dreamer]

Hi Hrefna,

Well it took some courage to put yourself up for comment. There have been many good ones, already. I agree there is much good writing; also that there was not a lot of editing. How much did you work over early drafts? I'm referring to the points about sentence variety. My feeling is that you could have done it, but maybe didn't get around to it. You have the skills.

My wife got a free Harlequin in the mail today and I checked its climactic passage. Lots of sex detail, these days. I mention it because you sometimes use the romance novel wording, as 'she touched him' for 'she touched his cock.' It gives the impression that you're being coy, or writing for a little bit shy crowd.

The sequencing is pretty straightforward. The issue of conflict was mentioned, so that you're not just describing an event or incident. But I would put it more generally, that one wants a bit of surprise. You can't get that just by the 'surprise' ending. One wants just a little hitch or variation or accident; a touch of reality like a leg of the bed breaking or the phone ringing or even a slight anal kink.

You seem to have good ideas and the wherewithal to write them up. You've done a certain amount of writing, but can benefit from lots more. I wonder if you write every day? My feeling is that the skills are there, but not quite a fluency or fluidity; real ease at telling the story.

Best of luck in the future,

Jack.

 

[hrefnadrakis]

Critique of Delivery

First let me apologize for not responding before this. My harddrive crashed at the end of December and I almost lost everything. Since I had to buy a completely new computer, I could not respond before now.

Thank you for all the suggestions and critiques.

Punctuation has never been a strong point for me. It is like perspective which is absolutely NOT my friend when I draw.

I usually read through my stories each time I go to work on them. As I'm reading, I replace sentences or words that I don't feel work for that particular section of the story. Delivery was my first submission and, to be honest, I may have missed things that are glaringly obvious to others. I will work to avoid this in the future.

Let me answer some questions that were raised.

Yes, the husband was the normal delivery guy. No he has never fucked Abigail because he knew his wife would have his head.

The situation, in and of itself, was not a setup. Given that the husband is a delivery man, he left the house before she was called into work. It was a random event that provided an opportunity on their Anniversary.

As for my writing being reminiscent of romance novels. I will take that as a compliment. The fastest way to bore me is to use words like fuck and cock and various other words to describe the sex act. Words create an atmosphere and those words don't create the atmosphere I want in most of my stories. Sometimes those words can be used to create a primal mood. More often than not, I find them to just be crass. This is, of course, my personal opinion.

I tried to keep Delivery short and didn't go into detail about the feelings these two people had for each other. This is why I didn't give them names. I toyed with the idea of a sequel set after she got home that night. Perhaps a candlelight dinner and some slow lovemaking

If you read Celune's Hunt, that has the conflict that some felt Delivery lacked. They were right but there wasn't any conflict in that story. There were logistical issues but no conflict. It was meant to be a brief interlude in their day. If someone could suggest what kind of conflict might have helped the story, I would appreciate it.

Just a note of forewarning, Celune's Hunt has grammatical errors and incorrect words too. In the last portion I believe and I can't tell you why I didn't notice before I submitted the story. I can only say that I will not try to submit stories at 3am EST anymore.

I think I've covered everything. In case I haven't, or if you have more to discuss on Delivery or my other submissions, please feel free to PM me.

Hrefna

 

[shereads]

I loved it, but I'm new here and too nervous to contribute anything remotely "constructive."
Thanks for a fun read.

 

[champagne1982]

I enjoyed your story. Thankyou for offering it. Your surprise ending was delightful. I love it! I have a few suggestions that I hope you'll find helpful, so read on!

"He let his eyes wander over her. She wasn’t the usual girl who was here on Wednesdays. She was taller by at least a foot. Her body was supple and lithe where Abigail’s was curvaceous. Her breasts were full but not ample like Abigail’s. He found himself getting hard just looking at her. He wanted her… bad."

I think that you should avoid naming the regular Wednesday girl completely. We never learn the names of the main characters, so you shouldn't give more weight to someone who's not even part of the action by naming them. If I were to rewrite this paragraph I would try it like this:
His eyes wandered over her. She wasn’t the usual girl who was here on Wednesdays. Taller by at least a foot, her body was supple and lithe where her co-worker's was curvaceous. She had full breasts but they weren't as large as the other woman's. He was getting hard just looking at her. He wanted her, badly.

"He loved purple and lace. He flicked the front closure of her bra open, spilling them into his hands as he ran his hot mouth along her sleek skin."

What did he spill into his hands, purple and lace? You could have made this less of a guessing game by telling us what, exactly, "them" are.

"She whimpered and trembled, her body giving another rush of liquid heat. He began slow and then increased the pace as her body tightened."

I know there are far more descriptive words to use in these 2 sentences than "her body". Why are you afraid to call it her pussy or her vulva? In erotica even a well placed "cunt" can be effective. I think you should loosen up a little and use the venacular a little more.
There's another example earlier when she's giving him head that you use "penis". Get real! For all we know these are two strangers having unprotected sex in a loading dock bay. That's nasty! You should use whatever devices at your disposal to build on that and if that means you need to call his penis a cock, a prick or even a throbbing hardon, do it!

"He began slow and then increased the pace as her body tightened. When she began to push against his hand, he replaced his fingers with his mouth.
The pleasure assaulted her as his tongue plunged inside her. His breath taunted her as he licked deep, tasting her essence. Her fingers tightened in his hair. He flicked his tongue over her clit faster and more rapidly as her muscles began to quiver and tighten, striving for her peak.
“Yes… oh yes…. Ah” she moaned as her body tightened. It was close, so very close."

I read tighten/ed 4 times in the above passage. If you had tried using a different word, I'll bet this scene would have grabbed even more of my attention.

'"Yes… oh yes…. Ah' she moaned as her body tightened. (sic)
'Yes more… harder…'
'Yeah… um' he growled as he captured her mouth and mimicked his body."

Does this dialogue do any thing to advance the plot? I think you could have eliminated it completely.
How exactly did he mimic his body? I know it's with his tongue thrusts but would a virgin?

I think that had you varied your descriptive language just a little bit and maybe, concentrated on being more concise, this story would have flowed even better from one very hot activity to the next. Regardless, I enjoyed the read and thanks for being brave.
Maybe you can return the favour when my offering comes up for discussion.

Take great care of you, Carrie (xxxotica, champagne1982)