Discussion: ffreak

[KillerMuffin]

Hello! Welcome to another discussion. Today's guinea p--er, author is ffreak who brings us Princess Daisy for your review. It's an incest story of the father~step-daughter variety. Please, let's give her our attention.

From the Author

I would like to submit my first Princess Daisy story to be reviewed.

I am hoping to benefit from this for my next episode with the same two main characters. The 'father' in the story has to deal with the fine line of whether or not what he is doing is really incest. Hopefully this is vaguer than Woody Allen's case. Also, some folks (more than one) called my use of language into question, on how I jump from softer terms to crasser terms for body parts and actions.

Thank you.

-FF

 

[Icingsugar]

Forst and foremost: not bad at all. well written, with a neat, simple and flowing use of language, and a well put together story. Incest is rarely my cuppa, as they are often too much of clichés, but this had enough character to be different.

I will not plunge into grammar and such things, since I know I screw that up on a regular basis, and couldn't tell right from wrong if my life depended on it. Git I do have a structre issue. There were a few paragraphs like this one that were quite annoying to read.

“But, you saw…” “Don’t worry, you were hurt, that’s all. I just rescued you,” I said. “Come on now, be a good girl and relax. Let me get rid of some of that tension.” She looked up at me sleepily and smiled. Without any hesitation, she snuggled tighter against me and let me work my magic on her back.

Please try not to embed dialouge into paragraphs like that. An extra line feed or two wont kill nobody, and it will make the text much easier to read..



And now, onto my take on the story, and a handful of things that I think should had been elaborated on or explained a little bit more.

* I don't really get the why and how regarding what happened that night at the pool. It was briefly mentioned that she was having a mid-life crisis. But from that to making a behemoth of a scene, embarrassing her daughter and most of all herself like that seems like a stretch without further explaining. Daisy's reaction to hermother suddenly going bananas seems perfecly natural though...

* It was Daisy, and she was not on her feet. I didn’t wait to see why she wasn’t standing. I hit the off button and jumped out of the tub grabbing my terry cloth wrap. After this passage, especially the first, almost abrupt sentence, I'd expected instant drama. A roaring drunk step-daughter, or blood and guts, or whatever. That it sinlpy meant that she was casually sitting on the front porch was kind of a dissapointment.

* even if she was a stepdaughter and her mother was dead. Um. Did I miss something here? When did anyone die? I read and reread, but couldn't find it.


Well, there you have it. A few little pointers. The last thing I'd like to add is that I personally got a bit annoyed by the uncalled for use of the "Daddy" buzzword when it finally came to some dirty-talk.
That's the only cliché you did not manage to avoid. On the other hand, it's probably a turn-on for most readers in the cartegory. Your call.

 

[ffreak]

Thank you, Icing, this is exactly the kind of review I was hoping for (I mean, the critical comments).

even if she was a stepdaughter and her mother was dead.
The only thing you missed here was the first draft. Sorry this got through. Initially I had the mother dying of a horrible disease, but my editor said it gave the wrong flavor. I'll have to correct this and repost. Thanks for catching it.

embedded dialog - you're the second person (the other was in a feedback) who expressed confusion at two people talking in one paragraph, so I will change my ways.

It was Daisy, and she was not on her feet. I evidently did not follow through on this scene as it was in my mind. It was supposed to be what you expected, I meant to show that she was too drunk to maintain her footing.

the why and how regarding what happened that night at the pool. This was as much shock to the guy in the story as anyone else. Evidently I should have gone into a scene between husband and wife with accusations flying or something.

Daddy Interesting how the reaction to this word has been consistent. Yet in many incest stories I read it is the most used keyword, often at the instigation of only one party who wants to commit incest. Perhaps it feels so out of place here because Daisy does not consider their actions to be incest and Fred is having trouble deciding. Back to the first part, if Daisy doesn't think it's incest she wouldn't use the word. Good catch.

Thanks-

-FF (this will affect part 2 which is being edited now)

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I don't know if I should say anything about this story or not because I just don't like incest. I know that technically this isn't incest--she's his stepdaughter, not his daughter--but still there's that abuse of the parental relationship and of a child's trust, and that's what always turns me off with incest. It's not the fact that two people are related by blood; it's the sneakiness and exploitation that always bothers me. So I consider this story as incestuous as anything else I've ever read here.

This guy's obviously after Daisy from the start whether he knows it or not, and the bit about the backrubs kind of gives me the creeps. I don't like him.

That being said, what I read was good, although you do have a way of presenting little oddities without sufficient explanation. I didn't understand what was up with the matching bathing suits. It seemed to me that it was supposed to be significant, but I didn't understand what it meant. I also found his wife's reaction to the girls to be just downright bizarre. And he just sits there while this is going on?

Then to go through a divorce, sell a business, and invest the money in a sex room seemed kind of hard to swallow. I'm prepared to suspend disbelief for a sex story, but not if it seems contrived.

I also found it strange to spend so much time describing what he's watching in a fuck film. I kept on waiting for that to tie into the story somehow.

Anyhow, as I say, the writing was good, if a bit choppy in parts in terms of explanation:
------------------------------
"When Daisy turned 18 and graduated from high-school, her mother seemed to go through her own mid-life crisis.

Daisy wanted to have an all-girl pool party. It wasn’t an unusual request considering all the other pool parties she had."
-------------------------------
The juxtaposition of these two lines seemed strange. Both contain major plot statements and would seem to deserve more exposition.

I also think that a big part of the reason I dislike this guy is that in these two lines he tells us (1) that his wife is going through a major crisis, and (2) Daisy wants to have a pool party.

It's obvious which one of these events concerns him more.

Anyhow, take my opinions with a healthy dose of salt because I'm prejudiced against the theme anyhow.

---dr.M.

 

[ffreak]

Doc, you may be prejudiced against the theme, but I really appreciate your comments on the writing. Since a writer never wants to jar the reader from the story, your points are useful.

The contrivance of the room perhaps could have been lessened if the only thing he added was the TV screen. I've thought about the fact that too much is invested in trying to explain the room. What worries me somewhat, something you did not mention, is the contrivance of the security system - especially since I will be using that in future episodes. Did you feel that it was simply overshadowed by the intrusion of the room's explanation, or was it more believable?

As Rumple mentioned earlier, I completely missed one reference during edits about the removal of the wife from the story. Basically I needed the woman gone from the scene before I would allow anything to happen between the man and girl.

I have a book titled Scene and Sequel which basically describes a scene as the action on stage and sequel as the off-stage, reaction of a character, their internalization, planning and decision that leads to the next scene. Where I am not as well versed is in plot structure. Your identification of the juxtaposed sentences as major plot statements intrigues me. Any suggestions of reading materials I might study?

Anyway, to me, as I read back through the story again, I feel this whole scene is too rushed, and that there should have been more explanation at least, and perhaps at least one more scene about the breakup.

I like your really good definition of what may well be necessary to an incest story, the sneakiness and exploitation - all good stories resolve a conflict, and I have been leaving the conflict to only what goes on in his mind. But he hasn't been thinking about those two points, which would be the real crux of the matter.

Again, thank you.

-FF

 

[A7inchPhildo]

ffreak Family freak?

I won't beat a dead horse. I agree with most of what the others posted.
*********************ffreak posted
Daddy Interesting how the reaction to this word has been consistent. Yet in many incest stories I read it is the most used keyword, often at the instigation of only one party who wants to commit incest. Perhaps it feels so out of place here because Daisy does not consider their actions to be incest and Fred is having trouble deciding. Back to the first part, if Daisy doesn't think it's incest she wouldn't use the word. Good catch.
************************
I don't agree. Unlike in most stories. I took this statement differently with a tone of sarcasm. Especially how it is placed. Daisy already established her opinion on the relationship quite clearly, He is undecided but willing. At the moment he is to intense on orgasm to ever stop she throws it in his face as if to say I guess you agree with me now.


I am not an incest fan but found your story stimulating.

************dr_mabeuse wrote

Anyhow, as I say, the writing was good, if a bit choppy in parts in terms of explanation:
***************************
This was my biggest complaint. I call it the awe common factor. Take the time to write a few more lines that tie the story bits together. Do not hastily post have a friend read it then a different friend.I can imagine the missing parts but I don't want to that is why you wrote the story and not I. The story is completed in your mind every time you proof read it. And that is why you are missing parts for me.

**************************************In the story

Daisy smiled and reached up for me. I leaned into her and we shared a soulful kiss as we continued to fuck. When we broke the lip lock, Daisy began twisting her hips and said, “Cum in me, Daddy, cum in me.”

Like it was the secret word, I came. Buried to the hilt, I came. And Daisy did too. She writhed I my arms as we both came.

********************************

"Daddy" should have been a more purposely seperated statement. "Like it was the secret word" Clued me that she was sarcastic or he took notice of the situation at hand.

Could have lengthened the climax a bit too. After the Minor climax on the night before that was a great tease. I was expecting a vivid descriptive orgasm.
Only a request my thought is you brought the reader up to a erogenous state and never gave him/her time to complete the reason they are reading.

I thought it was important to show her affection toward him and I do believe most teen aged girls love thier farthers enough to show affection just it is a topic never mentioned because in the right frame of mind nothing sexual is meant by it.

One last opinion I would not try to bring dead people into an erotic story. It is like wearing a T-shirt saying "Jesus loves me" or "I Got Aids" to a swingers club. The response is limp dick in my book. Try a Sanatarium, moved out of the country, dissappeared, Jail, military,...

All that is worth as much as the papper it is printed on and I am betting you did not print it? My grandpa would tell me I have an opinion and opinions are just like assholes everybody has one. Thanks for listening to mine.

 

[ffreak]

Well thank you for the read and the edit. I was advised by my editor to remove the dead person reference, and completly changed the wife from dying from the big C to running off with another man - and then missed one reference completly. Your inference about how every time the writer reads their own story, it is possible to add or remove complete phrases in their mind is so true.

Two of your comments intrigue me. The opposing opinion on the use of Daddy has value, especially when added to your re-punctuation of the lines. Sarcastic was not in my mind when writing the story, but the hardest part for me was trying to make the girl sound younger. The other comment, about the length of the second orgasm scene is interesting. I think I'll go back to reading some of the award winners here to try to develop a sense of how they do it.

Anyway, if no one else has said it, welcome to Lit, Phildo.
If you haven't already, try-out the Author's Hangout. I'm sure you'll find the folks there share your reading and editing interests.

 

[A7inchPhildo]

Anyway, if no one else has said it, welcome to Lit, Phildo.

Thank you ffreak. You are the first I know of.

I forgot to add the splendor of your story was the ending I enjoy a story that has a real ending. It was like having a sweet desert after dinner. I wish more authors gave a little thought about the occurances after the Fuck, can be the difference in a good vote or poor one.

 

[champagne1982]

bump!

!

 

[KarenAM]

I found myself liking the protagonist, even though I see Dr. M's point about him taking unfair advantage of Daisy. But this is clearly a fantasy, too; I noted the protagonist's financial security, pre-nuptual agreement, and so on. The real world is seldom so easy on us.

Interestingly, I also found the non-sexual elements of the story to be quite compelling. The protagonist's relationship with his wife had some good dramatic elements, and it would have been nice to see her personality explored further as she sank into alcoholism and depression. Of course, I like literary drama, so that's just my interest coming out.

There were a few typos, etc., but not many ("shear" for "sheer", and so on). All told, a good effort that would be interesting to expand beyond its sexual elements.

 

[Lying Eyes]

I don't know what I can add that has not already been said but I have to say this is a well written story. I rarely read anything other then lesbian stories and would normaly avoid like the plague a story involving father and daughter (former step-daughter in this case), so I was caught of guard when I still found it erotic. The good things that I found about this story was that it was almost believable and the two characters were likable. I agree with KarenAM I would of prefered to see something more said about why the wife started drinking and drifted apart. Definatly a good story so I voted and gave it a 5.

 

[Lord Naraku]

I liked it alot, it wasn't your standard incest story. The slow seduction was nice, I felt it just happened between them. It wasn't really one lusting after the other. Once again my post did nothing to help the persons story, but I would like to read more of this series.

 

[ffreak]

Thank you very much for your comments. I did try to do something a little different with the story. I wrote a sequel to this involving a second girl and did not get nearly as many comments. A third was planned where some growth of the two main characters takes place, but I have not submitted it. I'm glad I was able to get past the general aversion to the subject for some. Yes it is a fantasy, as I think all stories here should be, but it also is a chance to explore what I hoped was a more realistic approach to what might happen in such a situation.

 

[Lukie]

Well written!

I must say a great story...well, written...the characters described well. It's just that I wish you would have picked the step-daughters friend. If the Incest thing was to be included - make her a best friend since childhood...and "she is like" family

 

[ffreak]

Thank you - I like that insight. I'm sorry it took me so long to get back to this, but this is the type of feedback that is valuable to a writer. Thanks again.