Discussion: Erotic Author

[KillerMuffin]

Erotic Author has recently joined us with some interesting insights for some of our authors! Please don't let the category put you off, let's give EA some SDC attention!

Originally posted by Erotic Author

I would like to submit my story for discussion.

It is in the non-consent category.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=100471

1. Was the story too short?

2. Did it come across as erotic or not at all?

3. What major problems does it have?

 

[TheEarl]

Hi Erotic Author. Very impressed at a newbie having the dedication to try and improve her writing, so I'll do my best to be helpful. Remember that everything I say is just a matter of opinion, so feel free to ignore mine.

This is a good story, but not what I'm usually into, so I can't really comment that much on how arousing it was. I think it could have been a bit longer, but everyone finds their own length. I write long rambling things and Oggbashan writes novels. Each to their own with length.

It had a few problems though:

She was so drunk; she wasn’t able to keep her balance.

Boring grammar alert! This isn't good semi-colon use. IMHO, you'd be better linking the two sentences with a word like 'that' rather than a semi-colon.

I'm not a great fan of overemphasizing speech tags either. You've used 'she cried' and 'she exclaimed' a couple of times when 'she said' or even no speech tag at all would be better. The readers can tell how your character is speaking from the way you've written it; no need to force feed them the information.

Roxanne, her long dark hair bouncing as her stride quickened, stumbled and fell down on her knees.

This is a very convoluted sentence and I had to read it twice to understand it. Rule 1 is basically, try never to confuse the reader, otherwise he'll remember that he's reading a story, not there in the scene. It'd be easier to write 'Roxanne's long dark hair bounced as her stride quickened. Suddenly she stumbled, falling down on her knees.' Same information, but less clauses. I like the way you've fitted in the description of Roxanne. Good work.

Roxanne replied seriously, “Listen Occifer, I’m fine.” but her intoxication was unmistakable.

IMHO you could lose the 'but her intoxication was unmistakeable.' She's just mispronounced officer, so we know she's slurring badly. Have faith in yourself and have faith in the readers. They don't need to be spoonfed.

Officer Campbell, the more muscular of the two, said, “Please let me see your license Miss”.

The description is a little forced here. If you're going to describe someone while they're doing stuff (which is very good technique btw) you've got to make it relevant. When Roxette's hair bounced, that was very good. This is tangential as his musculature is unnecessary here. You'd be better off just saying 'Officer Campbell said...'

One of them thought to herself "That tall dark haired cop is hot." in reference to Campbell.

This is another bit of forced description. You're trying to spread out the description, which is admirable, but this doesn't work for me as it brings me out of the story. Why does the reader need to know about the girls across the road and what they think of Campbell?

Quick note: An easy way to get someone's hair colour in is to have them run their hands through their ash blonde hair.

“Listen, you fucking pig, I’m a taxpayer and I pay your salary!” With this comment she slumped back into her seat and passed out again.

I liked this. Very funny.

“We didn’t give you all the necessary sobriety tests.” He told her flippantly.

There should be no capital H on He. Speech tags should never be capitalised, even if they follow a full-stop.

She was electrified by his touch.

This is a bit short and sweet for me. Be creative and tell me what it feels like to her. She's drunk, so it's going to be a bit dull and distant, but it's the feeling of hands in naughty places. Plus her inhibitions will be lowered cause she's drunk.

'Roxanne stirred slightly as she felt him touching her. It felt kinda distant, but nice. He slid his hands over her tits and squeezed gently. The sensations jumped another notch and Roxanne could feel her nipples harden against his palms.'

You're telling me she's getting aroused, but I want to knwo exactly what she's feeling, so I can feel it too. Be specific and let your filthy imagination run wild.

I like the bet over whether she's shaved. That made me smile too.

You're using a lot of short, sharp sentences which tell the reader exactly what's happening. 'Roxanne was on the brink of consciouness. She protested.' I need more detail and I need you to tell me exactly what she's doing. Is she struggling against them? Is she squirming? What is she feeling? How does she feel to have her jeans round her ankles? Is it turning her on? Is this a secret fantasy? Is she appalled? I need answers.

Little note: Never use measurements. It's very tacky. Say his dick's huge, say it's gargantuan, say it reminded her of a small worm, but the measurements annoy. Has she just got out a tape measure?

I need more feelings in the sex. You're telling me what they're doing, which is great, but I want to know what it feels like.

More steroid enhanced dialogue words. Huffed, cried, screamed. You don't need these.

I like the ending. It wraps things up nicely.

This was a really good story; I loved the idea and the plot. You just need to iron out a few stylistic issues and get a bit more practise writing. I sincerely suggest going and looking at the Writer's Resources (http://www.literotica.com/storyxs/writ_stor.shtml) section of Lit, which would help you out a lot.

I hope that some of this has been helpful. If you have any questions, or you just want to lay into me for being nasty, then go for it. Good luck in your writing and I hope to see you one here soon with your next story.

The Earl

 

[the_bragis]

Hello Erotic Author,

Not bad, not bad at all. I know this kind of story isn’t everyone’s idea of a good read, but this one kind of different. You’ve managed to weave in a little bit of humor, which is odd but nice for this category, and it’s worked well in my opinion.

Ok, I’m not an expert or an editor, so just take everything I say here with a pinch of salt.

What the story too short?

No, it wasn’t, but to me it felt a little bit rushed.

Did it come across as erotic or not at all?

No, but then it wasn’t suppose to be was it? I believe it was pretty much what I would expect to find in a non-con story - rough hot sex and lots of it. I can tell you right now think people who enjoy this category are going to lap this one right up.

What major problems does it have?

None that I could see.

This what else I noted as I read:

Nice opening.

Jesse said, “Roxanne, hand over your keys. I’ll call you a cab.” Roxanne took her glass filled with only melting ice and threw the contents in his face.

Jesse said, to me anyway felt superfluous. I noted also many times you put the tag before the speech, I don’t know if it’s just me, but I found that kind of jarring.

She slapped one of the men in the face. “Get the fuck out of my way!” she cried.

She cried is not needed. The exclamation mark says it all, and I think dialog like this has more impact without the tag.

One of them thought to herself "That tall dark haired cop is hot." in reference to Campbell.

Thoughts are always to one's self.

“She’s ornery isn’t she?”

I have no idea what ‘ornery’ is, but I’m assuming it’s American slang. There were a couple of other words I didn’t understand also. Remember you are writing for a worldwide readership here.

“Don’t worry, Roxanne, you’re in good hands.” Campbell said as he put his hands on her supple breasts. She was electrified by his touch. Burkowicz came from behind her and put his hands on her firm ass. Her body was responding to their touch.

It’s not a big deal, but it will jar some readers that you have three ‘hands’ in this short paragraph. Try:

“Don’t worry, Roxanne, you’re in good hands.” Campbell said as he put he cupped her supple breasts and rubbed his fingers over her nipples. She was electrified by his touch. Burkowicz came from behind and grabbed her firm ass. Her body responded immediately to their touch. (By removing the ‘was’ I changed the last sentence from passive to active to give it more ‘umph’ - that’s a great technical term isn’t it?)

[
Roxanne was on the brink of consciousness.

There absolutely nothing wrong here, except to me it’s almost sterile. Think of Roxanne in this state, her body limp, her head drooping, her eyes heavy and half closed, her disheveled clothes, lipstick perhaps smudged over her lips, looking like a complete drunken slut wouldn’t you say?

He shoved his long 8 inch member ..

I’m sorry, but this will really bug a lot of readers. Give him a big cock! A fat cock! A hard cock! For heaven’s sakes give him all three, but just don’t measurement the damned thing!

That little pun ending is good , and it was nice to be left with a smile on my face when I had finished reading your story.

I wish you well with your future writing.

Have a great day!

Alex (fem)

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

EA,

After getting two well-written, thoughtful critiques from TheEarl and the_Bragis, here comes a total change-of-pace. As such, I'll try to avoid re-doing areas those two have already covered.

1. Was the story too short?
RF: Nope

2. Did it come across as erotic or not at all?
RF: Nope

3. What major problems does it have?
RF: see below

A. The opening paragraph is awkward and lacks a solid “hook”.

(Roxanne was a regular down at the Village Pub. The bartender, Jesse, was getting pretty tired of arguing with her. She was so drunk; she wasn’t able to keep her balance. “Roxanne, you’ve had enough.” he told her for the umpteenth time.)

What follows is a sentence-by-sentence breakdown. After first reading the opening sentence, I wondered who was Roxanne and what type of regular she was, a waitress? Sentence two, coming immediately after the first one, made no sense to me. The reader hasn’t been told she’s drunk and doesn’t know what she and the bartender are arguing about. In sentence three, if she can’t keep her balance, wouldn’t she fall? As for the final sentence, people in a conversation or argument, seldom begin a sentence by identifying the person they’re talking with-the only exception being sports broadcasters. “So tell me, Willie Humper, as a one-time sports great, what do you think about today’s match? Well, Studly Banger, it looks….”

B. There’s no character development. This isn’t a huge issue in a stroke story, but it would have been nice to know why this good looking gal was a sloppy drunk.

C. The dialogue, while funny in spots, was generally stilted.

D. Finally, this is more a vignette, than a story. It tells about what two cops do to a drunk woman. There’s no tension, conflict, or personality change. Roxanne begins a staggering drunk and ends as a passed out, sexual abused drunk. The cops begin as pigs and remain swine who never worry about getting caught or her filing a complaint.

I hope some of this helps more than it hinders. Remember, it’s all the subjective opinion of another writer, not some official word from on high. If I’ve totally missed the mark, just consider the source and hit delete. If you feel like getting you licks in on me, KM just posted one of my stories. Most of all, keep on writing.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[the_bragis]

Hi Rumple,

Hey look how confident I’m becoming? I’m about to publicly disagree with you.

I didn’t have any problem with opening paragraph. I would never think of a ‘regular’ as a barmaid. The bartender was obviously arguing with her because she was drunk and probably wanted another drink. I don’t believe this needed to be spelt out. I’ve seen enough drunks in my time to know what they’re like. Mmm… Maybe I’ve just been hanging around seedy bar too much, but it all made sense to me.

Yes, background and backstory would have made it a more interesting read for sure. I think perhaps that’s what may have given this story a ‘rushed’ feeling for me.

Alex .

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Hey look how confident I’m becoming? I’m about to publicly disagree with you.

Don't get cocky, kid.

Maybe I’ve just been hanging around seedy bar too much, but it all made sense to me

I'll admit to having spent a far portion of my dissolute youth in oil patch beer joints, pool halls, and similar dens of inequity. Of course I was just shooting a little snooker and running for the back door whenever a fight broke out.

I wish the story had gone through a workshop before being posted. It has some potential but, as is, just wasn't my cup a tea.

When you get a chance, take a look at the one of mine KM just posted on a Discussion thread. It's another romance.

Rumple the old Romantic

 

[TheEarl]

Alex: Ornery is a descriptive word to describe someone who is aggressive and very easily pissed off. Corne Krige would be a good example of an ornery person.

I will put money on the fact that not one person in this entire forum will know who Corne Krige is.

The Earl

 

[Erotic Author]

Sorry for the delay.

I apologize for the delay in my response to your critique. I've been out of town and most recently suffering from computer problems.

Thank you all very much for taking your time to read my submission. I appreciate that the non-consent category is not for everyone.

 

[Erotic Author]

The Earl: My first draft of this story was rejected because I had more than one person speaking per paragraph. I used so many speech tags because I wanted the reader to know exactly who said what. I actually amused myself with different ways to say "he said".

I see that after reading it again and again, this can be annoying.

I didn't realize the measurements were a no-no. I'll be sure not to make that mistake again.

I did take care to make sure there were no spelling, grammar and glaring punctuation errors.

I'm very happy that you saw humor in my work. That was what I was going for even though the actual subject is less than funny.

Thanks for your time and critique.

 

[Erotic Author]

the_bragis: Thank you for your feedback.

"Don’t worry, Roxanne, you’re in good hands.” Campbell said as he put his hands on her supple breasts. She was electrified by his touch. Burkowicz came from behind her and put his hands on her firm ass. Her body was responding to their touch."

In retrospect, this paragraph was bad all around. Not only was "hands" used three times, "touch" was used twice. This bothers me.

You feel the story was rushed because it was. I worked on it for a couple of hours and couldn't wait to submit it. Perhaps I should have worked with an editor or at least checked out some of the writing tips beforehand.

It's very important to me that you appreciated the humor in the story.

Thanks again.

 

[Erotic Author]

I keep having those computer problems

 

[Colleen Thomas]

N/C isn't my normal category, so take this with a large grain of salt.

My first impression was not that it was too short, but that it was rushed. As I said N/C isn't my bag, but it seems to me you were in such a hurry to get it done you missed out totally on giving the reader any impressions of Roxanne. Most N/C writers I have read tend to build the erotic quality through the suffering of the victim. Roxxanne comes across here with about the personality of an inflatable love doll.

Some moans and groans and a little dialogue from her, even in her drunken state would help IMHO. I know the perspective is that of the officers, but she puts up so little protest to what's being done to her that she seems to me a non person.

1. Was the story too short? I think you could have done more with it. Brevity is not bad for an author, but details can make a good story great while lack of them can make a great idea into a good story.

2. Did it come across as erotic or not at all? Depends on what you define erotic as. I think for people looking to get off it was probably very erotic, in that you left a good deal of it up to the reader's imagination and moved quickly to the nuts and bolts, so to speak. For someone like me who looks for more meat to a story it didn't have time to become erotic.

3. What major problems does it have? To me the most serious flaw was the lack of character depth in Roxanne. I don't know too much about N/C stories, but I believe that dehumanizing or humiliating the victim is part of the appeal. Roxanne starts out so shallow you really miss out on that aspect I think.

-Colly

 

[Erotic Author]

Rumple Foreskin: I respectfully disagree with you on a couple of points.

1) A "regular" is a common term for a customer who regularly patronizes an establishment whether it be a bar, restaurant, or for that matter, a prostitute. Perhaps it is American slang. Having friends who have been bartenders, I've heard this term again and again.

2) I don't believe that only sportscasters use names when speaking with one another. First names are used with emphasis on them, in mho. For example: "Nick, if you don't settle down, you're outta here!"

That's a direct quote from a bartender.

“So tell me, Willie Humper, as a one-time sports great, what do you think about today’s match? Well, Studly Banger, it looks….”

As far as character development, I agree with you. I didn't go into detail about the characters.

I'm glad that you found some humor in the piece.

Thanks for your critique. I appreciate it.

I received feedback from someone who asked me "What do you think the woman thought in the morning?"

(I know this is crass) I'm thinking she woke up and thought "Maybe I shouldn't drink so much. Too much booze makes my ass hurt."

 

[Erotic Author]

Colleen: Thank you for your insights. I agree that I did not do much in the way of character development. I will keep all the comments, suggestions and criticisms in mind when trying again.

Thank you.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Rumple Foreskin: I respectfully disagree with you on a couple of points.

1) A "regular" is a common term for a customer who regularly patronizes an establishment whether it be a bar, restaurant, or for that matter, a prostitute. Perhaps it is American slang. Having friends who have been bartenders, I've heard this term again and again.

2) I don't believe that only sportscasters use names when speaking with one another. First names are used with emphasis on them, in mho. For example: "Nick, if you don't settle down, you're outta here!"

--

EA,

What can I tell you about number one? Obviously I've lived a very pure existence, hanging-out in Christian Science Reading Rooms, giving aide and comfort to passing Mormon missionaries, etc.

As for number two, I'll modify my statement slightly, but stick to the main concept. When two people are in a conversation, they don't NORMALLY use the name of the other person, UNLESS they're trying to make a point or be sure they have that person's attention. I'll grant that was probably the case with the bartender, but what about when the two cops were talking to one another?

As with all other aspects of fiction-it's not a matter of right or wrong, just effectiveness. (that IMHO) Keep up the good work.

RF