Discussion: alex756

[KillerMuffin]

It's been a real pleasure to watch this author become a part of the little SDC community. She has some real insight into the writing process that takes me by surprise at times. Let's give her som good feedback!

From the Author
OK *gulp*

I've thought long and hard about throwing this onto this board.

If its not appropriate to throw this one up here, I perfectly understand.

And presenting the sotry that took nearly 2 weeks for the decision to be made, does it stay or does it go to extreme. It was posted to Lit main, so *shrug* guess its OK on that account.

It is in the non-concent catagory though. However, its not a rape fantasy.

Its also one of my rare attempts at writing in the first person. I orginally writote it as an I and You story, that throws it kinda into that second person thing but it just .. well honestly it made me sick that way. So, it ended up in its currant for as I, He.

*laughs* sorry I seem to be gathering my courage by typing alot before putting up the link.

Presenting:
Sometimes They Fall hard

http://www.literotica.com:81/stories/showstory.php?id=85867

PS, although it seems to have some D/s stuff going, it really isn't that, its just kinda more a fucked up thing than a D/s thing.

My main concerns are character believability. My reactions from people who had read it seem to be utter confusion from men and total understanding from women ... soo ... shesh I'm not sure.

I'm also very uncertain about the pacing. In truth my normal method of pacing a story doesn't work on this once, since I have never been able to read it aloud from start to finish.

This is my permission for this story to be torn apart and left to slowly bleed on the sacrificial alter of improvement.

alex756

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Alex,

You’ve written an interesting, compelling story with a nice twist. I think you did an especially good job of conveying the protag’s emotions.

IMHO, there are some technical problems, but don’t let that get you discouraged. For one thing, I may be wrong. (Honest, it’s been know to happen ) And even if I’m right, it’s easy to learn how to avoid those mistakes with a little study and practice. The things you already do well are what’s hard to master.

The biggest snags I noticed were: 1. You changed between present and past tense a few times, 2. Way too many sentences began with “ly” adverbs and that bane of all writers in first person, “I,” 3. The ending might be stronger if the deck drop-off were mentioned sooner.

My comments below are in CAPS. They’re all just writer-to-writer suggestions, not the final word from some all-knowing authority. Use what appeals to you and ashcan the rest. Good luck.

Rumple Foreskin

==

**This is not a happy story. It is short and placed in this category for good reason. If this offends you, please don't read it**

"I love you, dearest."

The words run through my head over and over as I sit in the bathtub, the water slowly cooling to room temperature. "I love you." How he could dare say those words. I don't understand.

I shiver a bit; He'll be up to check on me soon. This was (IS?) the only time I ever know I can be alone. Gingerly, I pick up the razor and start to carefully shave my legs. Diligently I make sure to not miss a hair. Carefully, I shave my legs, then under my arms, then slowly start to shave between my legs. (STYLE STUFF: THE LAST THREE SENTENCES ALL BEGAN WITH “LY” ADVERBS. I’VE BEEN TOLD THAT’S BEST AVOIDED. - JUST NOTICED THAT TWO OF THE NEXT FOUR BEGIN THE SAME WAY.)

My hand is trembling. I know I'll never get this right. Carefully I shave, gently pressing the tender flesh of my lips to the side to avoid the bite of the razor. Finally, (OMIT “FINALLY”) the water is cold as I feel the bare skin over my sex, (NEW SENTENCE) I try to make sure I don't miss anything, but I have failed every time before.

I step out of the cold water and carefully start to dry off using the one white towel he left me. My reflection in the mirror barely looks like me. My brown hair has been dyed black. I've probably lost 20 pounds in the past (IMHO, YOU NEED SOME PUNCTUATION HERE, BUT I’M NOT SURE WHAT, MAYBE AN EM -- ) however long it's been. I sigh as I lean against the sink. His damn words of "I love you, dearest" still run through my head. I finish drying myself off, careful of the cuts across my back.

I carefully begin to get dressed,(MIGHT SWAP THE PHRASES) once I am dry and sure I got every piece of hair this time. First, I put on the black leather collar, buckling it tight how (OMIT “HOW” ADD “, THE WAY”) he likes it. Then I pull on the sheer black dress he left for me. (OMIT “FOR ME”) It hugs my gaunt frame and small chest. Maybe gaunt isn't right. I shake my head; even with looking (MAYBE “EVEN THOUGH I LOOK”) like hell, I still weigh more than he wants. I'm still a size ten.

--

I can only whimper as he drags me to the couch and throws me down on it, "Don't you sass back to me bitch." No matter how I plead and beg he doesn't stop. His hand comes down on my ass, more hitting it (MAYBE “HITTING IT MORE”) than slapping it. I let out a scream as the pain moves through my entire leg.

He forces me to kneel with my chest against the couch. I tremble, shaking, as I know what is coming again. My legs are forced apart and the dress pushed over my head. He slaps my ass hard again, this time with the flat of his big hand, (WHAT WAS HE USING BEFORE?) causing the flesh to burn, but not as bad as the last blow.

He pushes my ass cheeks apart, running a finger over the recently shaved flesh. He sticks a finger up my cunt as I whimper. It hurts, but not as bad as when he brought his other hand back to slap across my back. I tremble, tears running down my face as he hits the sensitive cuts on my back as he pinches my clit hard with his thumb.

Another finger up my cunt and the tears are rolling down my face. I just stare at the cushion of the sofa, ignoring the pain in my back and my cunt as he pushes a third finger into me. I try to not think of how big his hands are. My fingers clench as my body responds to him anyways.(OMIT “ANYWAYS”) The gentle pressure on my clit and the cool breeze against my ass combine to start my cunt moistening. His fingers slow their pace, gently starting me towards forgetting the pain.

"I love you, baby." How the hell he can say that I don't know. Suddenly I feel his breath on my raw ass as his tongue flicks down to lick across the red marks from where he hit me. "You know I only hurt you because I love you, baby."

I nod, sniffling a little as I shiver. As his fingers pull out of my cunt, the cool air feels good for a minute before its replaced by his cock. He slams his entire eight inches into me, hitting me so hard I know I must be bruised. After the first time he did this, I couldn't understand why girls always talked about how big-- I wish he were smaller.

(IN THE NEXT FEW SENTENCES, YOU SWITCH TO PAST TENSE. IF SHE’S REMEMBERING THAT FIRST TIME, THAT’S OKAY, EXCEPT IT CAN CONFUSE READERS. IN CASE THIS IS THE HERE AND NOW, I’LL MARK THE PAST TENSE FORMS I NOTICE.) His huge cock slammed (SLAMS) into me, as it bottomed (BOTTOMS) out with each thrust, I could (CAN) feel a pain in my side growing. Suddenly he pulls out, I know what was (IS) coming and try not to tense for it. If I could only relax enough it wouldn't hurt as much. I felt (FEEL) his cock about to enter my ass. Forcefully, he pushes it in, no preparation, no warning, nothing. His cock forces my anus open, shoving into my tight rear. The couch cushion is moist with tears as he continues.

The rest becomes a haze, I don't care or notice when he makes my body come. I barely notice when he whispers his sweet nothings in my ear. I only know the relief when he leaves me collapsed on the living room floor.

I hear the door to the deck (STYLE STUFF: YOU MENTION “DECK” TWICE IN ONE SENTENCE. MIGHT CHANGE ONE OF THEM.) open and he walks outside, probably to continue building the railing on the deck. For some reason fucking me makes him want to build stuff. I lie there, staring blankly ahead. I can't go on like this. He won't let me leave.

Slowly I drag myself up. Blood covers the inside of my thigh; I don't even care where it came from. Slowly I make my way over to the patio door. I won't kill myself, but I don't care any more if he does it. I know he doesn't love me, he never did. As I open the door and step onto the mostly completed deck he looks over at me, standing up.(CONFUSING. “STANDING UP” COULD REFER TO EITHER CHARACTER. IF IT REFERS TO HIM, YOU MIGHT PLACE “STANDS UP AND” BEFORE “LOOKS”) The only phone in the house is on the partially finished railing behind him.

He's bigger than me, a lot bigger, so I smile and act meek as I walk over to him. He looks pleased. As I reach him, he holds out his arms, "I love you, baby."

I lean towards his big frame, but before he can wrap his arms around me I push as hard as I can. I don't care if he pulls me down with him, I can't go on with this any more. As I push, he loses his balance, his arms flailing to regain balance he knocks the phone down and he tumbles off the side of the deck where the railing still isn't finished. I can't move for a second. Tentatively, I walk towards the edge to peer down. It's a good fifteen feet if not more and it's all rocks down there. (IMHO, YOU REALLY NEED TO MENTION THAT EARLIER. I’VE GOT A HUNCH MOST DECKS DON’T HAVE A LONG, DANGEROUS DROP-OFF.)

He is lying there, not moving. I watch him for a second, his right leg at a weird angle and the rocks covered with his blood. I drop to my knees, free. That's when the tears started (START) to really come, the relief washing over my body as I can finally relax without worrying about him. Then I hear it -- a moan. I look down and see him crawling towards the phone. (NEAT TWIST.)

 

[Alex756]

Dear Foreskin,

(sorry always wanted to start something like that) When you're right you are right as I said I was never able to read this one out loud so the 'ly' stuff didn't stick out to me. And alot of the rest of the grammar stuff was stuff I -know- I screw up so I am kicking myself for having missed it.

And your point about the flat of his hand made me realize, its as sick as it is a sex scene, if it were a fight scene, I think a fist would have been assumed on the hit. I need to re-write that to bring that out right becasue yes I can definately see how it would be assumed it -was- the flat of the hand to begin with, especially with the referance to a hit more than a slap, slap is definately flat of hand, and I didn't mean for it to be anything as non-painful as that.

The comment on the embankment is very useful, I think that is one of my 'pacing' issues where suddenly BOOM there is a cliff and a bleeding body, if I had her see him looking over the rail, and mention the gusts of wind or something ripping from the embankment below i thin that makes it more smooth without spoiling the end. (although I still like ending it slightly before the real ending, thats where I stop reading)

 

[Alex756]

I just wanted to share this .... Without having read the story my fucking weirdest feedback would make no sense in the world. In response to this story

"GOOD FUCK STORY. READ MY OWN YOU GOT A PHOTO?"

I kid you not. And from reading some of the persons work .. he A> read it and B> honestly thought that

--Alex

 

[SpaceToast]

A couple stray thoughts from me, just to broaden out the discussion.

I agreed entirely with Rumpled's notes on the nitty-gritty parts of the text. Watch your verb tenses especially.

There's a nice kind of claustrophobia that comes from not knowing any details about the setting, but somehow I think a few clues need to be worked in. I too suggest bringing in the deck earlier, and especially the drop. I'm also concerned with the questions of who this woman is, and why she hasn't left, or tried to change, this abusive relationship. (Personally, I have a certain aversion to helpless characters -- willing victims -- but they do seem to be popular in literature right now.)

Please, please, please do not take the above as suggestions to massively bulk up the story. It's current length suits it well.

Best of luck-

-M@

 

[Alex756]

There's a nice kind of claustrophobia that comes from not knowing any details about the setting, but somehow I think a few clues need to be worked in. I too suggest bringing in the deck earlier, and especially the drop. I'm also concerned with the questions of who this woman is, and why she hasn't left, or tried to change, this abusive relationship. (Personally, I have a certain aversion to helpless characters -- willing victims -- but they do seem to be popular in literature right now.)

I hadn't thought of it (the claustrophobia thing) like that. But I see what you are saying. Nothing is really introduced before it is absolutely needed. I think its one of those cases where my mental picture of the scene is so strong, describing it feels redundant. Definately something to look into becasue obviously no one else knows what I see

As for the woman. Yes her past and future are left out, and maybe I could throw some hints of her past in. However, I don't see her as helpless or willing. In fact I'd be hesitant to even call her a victim since she moves beyond being controlled. As for trying to change the relationship, she has tried and is even still trying in the first chunk, she is trying to make him happy. If she makes him happy with her behavor, it follows that he won't hit her. Its a relatively common response. You know the whole therepy thing of 'it isn't your fault he does what he does' be that thing abuse, drinking, drugs or whatnot.

I guess I don't know how to make her motivations more clear. Somepwople identify and understand and almost latch onto her, and some have absolutely no comprehension of anything she is doing. Its like black or what and I am in a state of confusion over it.

Alex756

 

[SpaceToast]

...Some people identify and understand and almost latch onto her, and some have absolutely no comprehension of anything she is doing. Its like black or white and I am in a state of confusion over it.
[/B]

Sounds like a bit of a Rorschach test. How very interesting.

The brain's mechanism for justifying addiction is very powerful. I'm... almost a little nervous about the people who've identified so strongly with this character. Kudos on striking that nerve. It's an impressive achievement, whether it was forseen or not-

-M@

 

[LilyMelb]

Hey Alex,

This is my first time posting to this forum, so forgive me if I get the format or etiquette wrong anywhere..!

I was very impressed indeed with "Sometimes They Fall Hard", which I found to be a well written, interesting and unique peice which kept my wrapt attention from beginning to end.

As you state, this is not a rape fantasy. Subsequently, I was surprised to find it here (not that I think it's misplaced), because as such I personally would not so much categorise this as erotic fiction - to me, this is not at all erotic, it is chilling.

This is not at all meant as a criticism, but as a real compliment - one of the most common problems I find when reading non-erotic published fiction which includes rape/non-consensual scenes, is the unintentional tendency to eroticise rape. IMHO, what you have done is write a scene which generally avoids this. To me, this peice attempts to deal not with the fantasy of rape, but with the reality of non-consensual sex, which is not at all an erotic experience.

I guess that's what it comes back to - fantasy v. reality, which in the non-consensual category is truly central; (and I don't have a problem with erotic non-consensual writing; I've written far more than my fair share of rape fantasies, they are some of my favourites.)

That being said, I guess there were two points at which I was "jolted out" of the story (ie. reminded I was a reader of a peice of constructed fiction, as opposed to being swept up in the tale.) These were the two places where you dealt with the woman's physical response -

Firstly:
My fingers clench as my body responds to him anyways. The gentle pressure on my clit and the cool breeze against my ass combine to start my cunt moistening. His fingers slow their pace, gently starting me towards forgetting the pain.

And then, to a much lesser extent:
I don't care or notice when he makes my body come.

Because I was reading this with a more realistic - as opposed to fantastic/erotic - mindset, these two moments jumped out at me as somewhat unrealistic. When reading/writing rape fantasies, for the one being raped to begin to enjoy it is pretty much a matter of course. That's half the fun of the fantasy. But in a piece like this, I found it difficult to comprehend the victim ever responding in such a way (and she is a true victim here, unlike the 'rapee' in most rape fantasies).

(Actually, as a personal aside, with the second sentence above I actually wanted to read this as "don't care or notice *whether* he makes my body come." My brain tried hard to see it that way, as a far more ambiguous statement.. But that's an entirely personal writing style thing and probably I should stay well away from such in a forum like this.)

Lastly - I said earlier I was surprised to find a piece like this here, but please don't think I believe it inappropriate for this space, because I don't. It is entirely appropriate, just unexpected - which is a definite good thing.

When you describe it as "just kinda a more fucked up than a D/s thing", I actually disagree. It is true this is not a D/s thing, but it is also not a fucked up piece; it is simply good writing about a difficult, nasty, but realistic subect... and one writers of D/s and rape fantasies (which absolutely includes myself) should remember from time to time...

Anyway, to end, can I just say this is all totally subjective, personal opinion and feel free to ignore it all!! Great writing - keep it up...!

Ta... Lily

 

[the_bragis]

Alex - Alex

Hi ya Alex,

What can I say? Your story is powerful, but I’d be lying to say I 'enjoyed' it. I have no idea what kind of viewing, votes, or feedback it has had, but I would suspect it would have a limited appeal.

When I first started reading it I thought, this is in the wrong category. I said, “Oh goody, I love a good bdsm story”, then I read on and realized you’re right it’s not a bdsm story. It’s certainly not a rape fantasy either. I’ve read a number of stories in the Non-con section and they're almost always the “Stop, stop, stop it I like it” variety. Personally I would have placed this in the extreme section.

Good grief this story isn’t based on any kind of experience you've had is it?

Rumple is right – again. You have over used the adverbs, and that according to the experts is a no-no. Personally they don’t trouble me too much, but I can see what they mean when they say they are ‘lazy’ words. You’ve obviously put a lot of sweat and tears into this, so it’s a pity to let it slide with too many adverbs. Change of tense too will jar your reader and make them stop to think how you have written, rather than what you have written. Since most people fine past tense easier to read and write, it’s probably the best for a majority of stories.

I'm also concerned with the questions of who this woman is, and why she hasn't left, or tried to change, this abusive relationship. (Personally, I have a certain aversion to helpless characters -- willing victims -- but they do seem to be popular in literature right now.) ~ S.T.

Exactly my thoughts. I can not begin to understand how or why any woman would stay in a relationship like the one you have described. So, I’m sorry, I really can’t say if the characters are believable or not (for me). Maybe there are fruity women out there who are prepared to put up with this kind of thing? Perhaps if we, the readers, had been told about her background it may have been clearer. Did she have some kind of deep psychological problem that made her want to suffer and be controlled like that? Had she perhaps committed some terrible crime in the past that made her want to be punished over and over again? I know too it can be difficult to get the other characters background and emotions across in a first person, but I wanted to know why he treated her that way. Was he just a sadistic bastard, or was there more to him? Maybe he had a crazy dominating mother, and he felt compelled to take out all his frustrations on a woman after she left him emotionally scarred. I know where I would like to scar a man like that! And I would use a rusty tin can to do it!

Call me a sick bitch, but you know what would have really swung this story around for me? What I would have found a really good and satisfying ending? Well, I would have liked to read about you going down to where he was laying on the rocks and just as he was about the reach for the phone, you would step on his wrist and say something like, “Die you filthy bastard, die!” As you listened to him gasping for breath and watched the life-blood flow from his body. I don't think it would be unrealistic for woman to find that kind of strength towards a man like that, in such a vunerable state, particularly if she had a whole lot of pent up anger.


Yes I know I’m sounding very negative here. Well Alex, it's a very dark story isn’t it? Put it this way, would you really be happy if I was sitting here saying, “Oh, it was ok - I guess…” ? Of course you wouldn't.

As I read your story strong emotions were stirred up inside me, and you know what? That’s exactly what good writing is all about.

I wish you well with your future writing.

Have a great day,

The other Alex.

 

[Madame Manga]

When reading/writing rape fantasies, for the one being raped to begin to enjoy it is pretty much a matter of course. That's half the fun of the fantasy. But in a piece like this, I found it difficult to comprehend the victim ever responding in such a way (and she is a true victim here, unlike the 'rapee' in most rape fantasies).

Obviously this isn't well known (just a note) but yes, orgasm does occur in genuine, nasty rapes, both of women and of men. It's a physiological response that a victim may not be able to control, especially when he or she has been made to feel completely helpless and powerless. The nervous system reacts to stimulation without conscious command in any case. I won't try to speculate on evolutionary or biological reasons why this happens, but it does--it's well documented.

Unfortunately, most people's reaction to the news that a rapist made someone orgasm is to say that it couldn't have been a rape if the victim "enjoyed" it. So a lot of victims who undergo orgasm doubt themselves and their own experience and never report the crime. Orgasm does not preclude rape, and orgasm does not mean enjoyment. The defining line between rape and every other kind of sex is not as clear and bright as it is often made out to be.

Congratulations, alex756, on hitting that one on the nose. You haven't let the romance-novel "Don't! Stop! Don't stop!" thing invade this story in the least. It's straight to the gut and dreadfully realistic. A rare and valuable quality--don't lose it for the sake of readers who don't understand what you are doing.

MM

 

[LilyMelb]

Obviously this isn't well known (just a note) but yes, orgasm does occur in genuine, nasty rapes, both of women and of men. It's a physiological response that a victim may not be able to control, especially when he or she has been made to feel completely helpless and powerless. The nervous system reacts to stimulation without conscious command in any case. I won't try to speculate on evolutionary or biological reasons why this happens, but it does--it's well documented.

MM - I'd wondered about this when writing my review/reading the tale; it was something I had vaguely remembered from somewhere, but had no idea as to its veracity. And of course, it is not a comfortable fact, so I was probably a little too willing to ignore its possibility.

The woman's orgasm in this story not portrayed as at all an enjoyable experience, despite her body's physical reactions, so in this light it is rather well done. So I'd like to echo MM's congratulations in Alex having walked a very fine line here writing these sections and succeeded well indeed.

One last very subjective opinion... I suspect I would have found it less halting if the sentences describing her orgasm had concentrated solely on the physical. That is, phrases such as 'moistening cunt' worked well, whereas those such as 'gently starting me towards forgetting the pain' seemed to hint at some kind of implicit pleasure. And whether her body responds in orgasm or not, I do not think it is pleasure she is feeling.

Totally a subjective opinion as to wording, however, and focussed on a truly very small detail, so just ignore me as being entirely too pedantic..

Finally, though, I also wanted to comment in response to some of the other reviewers who were finding it difficult to understand how such a woman could stay in such a relationship - I agree in that it is difficult to understand why the character would stay, but I don't think its unrealistic. Domestic abuse is a particularly nasty reality, which I think is fairly realistically portrayed in this piece...

Anyway, I think I've had well and truly my two-cents worth!

Ta... Lily

 

[Alex756]

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone so far. I'm heading off on vacation at 4AM tomorrow so that won't be good for the frame of mind this story takes

And Alex, I can truly say it was not an enjoyable story to write thak you for reading it, I understand how unenjoyable it is, but sometimes something just gets at you and you have to write it.

I think as far as character motivation, if I made it more clear how old the girl is, that would help. She eighteeen in the story, and no not becasue of lit rules or anything, just becasue thats about how old she should be. Young enough to fall in love with the man and to take way too long to realize it. Then again I've had friend's much older who have made equally dumb choices.

I'm glad for the response it has gotten, I never thought it was really 'erotica' I mean its about sex ... sorta. It is close to extreme, and I was more than half expecting it to go there, especially when the review process went on and on for I think 12 days. I've very happy with the decision that was made on allowing it. Surprisingly, it is doing OKish in ratings, a 4.3 ish and thats with multiple 1's back when it was in its first 15 votes, they came slow enough that you could figure out what each vote was.

I know there are multiple threads about how people get turned off by the whole 'this is non-fiction' caveat, so I left it off this. Its actually an amalgamation of several peoples experiences. .. and that includes the ending. Nothing would have made me happier when writing this to have that bastard crack his skull open, or if the girl in question on the deck had done something more, but I felt that would be betraying what I knew.

Being a relatively limited writer (non papers, if you need a 20 page paper comparing contrasting something -- I'm your girl) I am very proud that this story gripped people like it has. After vacation, I'm gonna sit down with a nice cup of hot chocolate and put the time into this I should have and take all your comments into consideration. As for everyone who was surprised as to what catagory its in .. I know ... its outta place but there isn't a better place. in extreme you find the rapist fantasies and this is definately not that. Withall the talk of no realism in the non-con catagory, I felt the need to try and insert some reality. But yes, its not a sex story, its a story that happens to revolve around a sexual act.

Alex756

Thank you everyone again, I truly appreciate each comment everyone has made, and its given me alot to think about.

 

[the_bragis]

Alex - Alex

I think as far as character motivation, if I made it more clear how old the girl is, that would help. She eighteeen in the story, and no not becasue of lit rules or anything, just becasue thats about how old she should be. Young enough to fall in love with the man and to take way too long to realize it. Then again I've had friend's much older who have made equally dumb choices. ~ Alex 756

Alex,

Please think carefully about this before you included it your story. If she is eighteen, how long has she been with this man? I’m no expert, but I don’t think this kind of abusive relationship would occur over night, or even over weeks or months. More likely years I would have thought. That’s just too much for me. And Alex, I have a feeling it might be for others also.

Alex.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Alex and Alex,

Good point about the age.

Here's a question for both Alex's. Would it work if she were 18 at the time the relationship began as a fairly normal one, then over the next year or two it takes this sordid turn; now she's a little older, a little wiser, while the beatings are a lot worse, and she wants out?

Just a thought.

RF

 

[Alex756]

Re: Alex - Alex

Alex,

Please think carefully about this before you included it your story. If she is eighteen, how long has she been with this man? I’m no expert, but I don’t think this kind of abusive relationship would occur over night, or even over weeks or months. More likely years I would have thought. That’s just too much for me. And Alex, I have a feeling it might be for others also.

Alex.

The main relationship I based this off of, was one that lasted about 4 months. Some people truly do go from apparant white night to comeplete asshole very quickly. I think if it had been years, then the girl would have been a victem and never have struck out like that. Maybe ran away at some point maybe someone would have reported something and the police or something would have shown up.

Alex, I think your feelings on this might be one of the reasons the feedback on this is soo anti bell curve. Most of the positive comes from people that have had or have gone through an abusive relationship, which unfortuantly is mostly women. I think I have to work alot harder to make this more real to people without that type of background, I mean seriously. The only reason this piece could have for existing is for understanding. Its not enjoyable, its not fun, it's not even historic.

I really appreciate your thoughts on this, knowing the real events as well as I do, I can't develope a sense of doubt about it so I can't tell if enough information has eben conveyed for it to seemr ealistic to others. Only an outside perspective can do this, so thank you.

Alex756

 

[Alex756]

Alex and Alex,

Good point about the age.

Here's a question for both Alex's. Would it work if she were 18 at the time the relationship began as a fairly normal one, then over the next year or two it takes this sordid turn; now she's a little older, a little wiser, while the beatings are a lot worse, and she wants out?

Just a thought.

RF

I don't know how lng a man like this could go without his evil streak showing. Of all the various things with fucked up realtionship I know, that seems to be a big variable, from a week to over a year.

RF, very good thoughts, I realy think an experience like this can age a person prematurely. A dear friend of mine at 17 was more 'adult' than I was at 19 by a long shot, and I think alot of it was becasue of what she went through.

The thing about the change between accepting it and accepting what she thought was likely death happened in the couple hour described in the story. Its an unusual response I think, since 1 for 6 people I know have had it. I know very small sampling.

I think I know what I have to work on to start to make th8is more real, and I think if I can manage that, the shift she does when she changes should be more graspable. See at 4AM I make up words, BTW.

*hugs all* back on Sunday
Alex756

 

[champagne1982]

I'm sorry.

Dear Alex,

I can't critique this one but I can give feedback. I read it and I am so angry at you and your characters and after reading the discussion, the real life people who you based this sadness on that I fear I cannot edit or review dispassionately.

I'm angry at you because your muse insisted you write it. I'm angry at your characters because they terrified me. I'm angry at the people who allow their lives to follow this course because they terrify me more.

I only hope the wisdom that will keep me from making similar mistakes comes, not from making the error but from learning from others' who have.

Thankyou, for the teaching.

 

[Colleen Thomas]

If it took you a lot of work to get up the courage to post this story, let me asure you it has taken me most of today to get up the nerve to post a review. I have been posting to Lit for over a year, but am very new to the boards.

I write erotica to make people smile and feel good, as such my stories almost all have happy endings. I try not to be too "kodac moment" about it, but the endings can get kind of smarmy. I rarely peruse the NC stories so please take this all with a large grain of salt.

This story was ecellent. The pace works well with the gritty nature of the subject matter. I began reading carefully, hoping to be able to decide what I wanted to say, but it caught me up and was finished before I realized it.

The characters are very believeable and with just a few words you managed to bring the desperation of the Protag into sharp focus.

I shake my head; even with looking like hell, I still weigh more than he wants. I'm still a size ten.

Most any woman will sympathise with your character here. We are all sensitive about our weight and without having to say much else you can tell her self image has been shattered. Men may calim they are confused, but I know many more who do this to their wives, daughters, sisters etc. unintentionally than those who do not.

Detail is sometimes the key to a story, in this case lack of detail really sets the mood. The lack of color and detail mirrors the protag's emotional state. Nothing really matters, everything is so hopeless. I suffer from clinical depression and the way you write this character is exactly how the world looks when I am having a really bad day and am forced to take medication. Colorless, lifeless, devoid of hue and cry. Her world is like that and you do a superb job of relating it, without dwelling on it, by the lack of detail involved in her perception of her surroundings. First person was, without question the right POV to use.

The hook line works well as a focus to what's wrong in the story. Declarations of love from someone who is bringing only pain and devestation. You manage to write him in such a way that it never once occured to me that he dosen't believe what he is saying. He comes across as being incapabale of knowing what love is.

I strive for realism in my works, going to great lengths to make sure all my details are as true to life as possible and contiguous throughout the story. That said, I hope I never write anything as realistic as this is. Life dosen't always have happy endings. People don't always end up in good situations. Abusive relationships are often masked with D/s trappings by those who don't understand the difference between Submission and Subjugation.

It is a couragous work. I didn't find it erotic in the least, but it moved me to tears. If the object of any writer is to provoke thought and use words to stir emotions you have done extremly well.

-Colly

 

[champagne1982]

Bump

!

 

[Lord Naraku]

I read the story, here are my limited thoughts. It was very violent and harsh. One thing stood out as strange, she uses the word cunt to refer to her pussy. Now she doesn't sound like the type to use the word cunt, but this could have been meant to be an example of her mental downward spiral. So was the use of the word on purpose or just happened? (sorry this really doesn't help but had to post something since I read the story)