discouraged & dejected

[Guest]

hi everybody,
i feel disappointed that i received just one reply to my request on feedback & that too from india only.
Are my stories that unappealing to others??
for heavens sake folks let me have some idea even if it unflattering.
susan.

 

[PAUL C]

your stories

They were hard to find, Here is alink to one of them to help others

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=6037


I thought your scene settings and build ups were quite good but your sex scenes were weak.

 

[nitengale]

hi everybody,
i feel disappointed that i received just one reply to my request on feedback & that too from india only.
Are my stories that unappealing to others??
for heavens sake folks let me have some idea even if it unflattering.
susan.

Susan, I sent you feedback via email! Hope it helps you!

 

[CAT~~]

I have to agree with Paul C. The sex scenes did need work. Sometimes you don't get feedback because people don't know what to say.
I did have a little problem getting into the story, but I think that is just a matter in what interests you in a story that catches your attention and makes you want to read it. And thats as individual as the readers and the stories on this site.
Keep writing, as long as you enjoy it.
Cat~~

 

[KillerMuffin]

Well, you're probably not going to get much feedback or much by the way of voting. You've made a few mistakes that, in general, turn people off of your writing.

First, you began with a cliche, but didn't carry the cliche theme through the story. Never begin "It was a dark and stormy night," or any other variation on that theme. If you have to do it to get yourself started, delete it later.

Second, you used a lot of passive voice. People are generally turned off by passive voice. For example: "Sushma was walking hurriedly down the street to the main road to catch a bus back home." This is passive. Try something like this: 'Shushma walked hurriedly...' You could also add something to make her feel more human to those of us reading it. She was rushing because...? She didn't want to get soaked to the skin? Perhaps she was late habitually, she wanted to get home to soak her feet, she missed her husband?

Thirdly, when you paragraph, watch for subject. Each paragraph has a subject and each sentence in that paragraph should follow that subject. Because you should keep your story in your native "voice" to keep the rich, exotic feel, you should consider making smaller paragraphs. For some reason, this helps to keep the reader on track. I guess it makes the paragraphs easier to digest or understand. This isn't to say that you shouldn't have long paragraphs, simply that you should have paragraphs where all the sentences agree with the main subject of the paragraph.

Fourthly, I would suggest you get yourself a volunteer editor. I would recommend Weird Harold, if he doesn't have a full load, because his is not only a superb editor, he's extremely good with non-native English speakers. Some editors will try to edit the foreign turns of grammatical phrase, but don't let them do that. You do have several places where you had extraneous sentences, such as noting that they stopped for breaks on the way to where ever. If the sentence doesn't further the plot, there really is no need for it. An editor will help you with clarity, give you valuable feedback prior to submission (when you can change the story), and will let you know where you've made mistakes that really ought to be changed.

I know this all sounds like a lot of negative criticism, it's not meant that way.

[Edited by KillerMuffin on 05-06-2001 at 09:46 AM]

 

[Sateema Lunasi]

What KillerMuffin said.

Please keep writing though. I want to read your next story.

I just had a hard time connecting to the characters in this one. It felt very disassotiated. And the sex scenes were superficial. I hope this is constructive and not disheartening.

Please let me know when your next story is out.

Much luv,
Sateema

 

[cymbidia]

Ditto on what KM said.

I tend to like very emotional stories, those that grab me from the beginning and shake me up and won't let go until they chew me to bits and then spit me out on the floor, thrilled and satisfied. I like raw emotion, raw passion, lust and love and screaming orgasms all over the place. If i can't have that, then i want to see inside the head of a character and know what makes her tick, why she would choose to do *that* with *him*, you know? Your stories need some punching up at the beginning for people like me, to be honest. Active voice, yeh, but some human interaction, too (and i'm not talking about immediate sex, either). I don't care how old her kids are if it's not part of the story, right?

One more comment and then i'll go away. Your paragraphs are WAY mismatched in size. I don't ask for exactly even paragraphs but when there's several in a story that just go on and on and on and on... well... my attention begins to wander. If you have a looooooong paragraph like that, ask yourself what the function of that paragraph is, anyway. Like, what's it's job, you know? After you have an answer, try to break it into smaller pieces that get the job done (i.e., move the story along) in smaller chunks of writing.

I'd like to add, for your information, that KM is one of the most talented and well-respected Volunteer Editors at Lit (VE's ... find them here: http://www.literotica.com/storyxs/voled_stor.shtml)
Her opinion, therefore, should be more valuable to you than is, say, mine.

Good begginning. Keep writing. We only get better as we write more.

[Edited by cymbidia on 05-10-2001 at 08:01 PM]

 

[DreamOn]

story response

I wouldn't worry about lack of response, sure it's nice to anticipate getting some (isn't it always) but if you don't get it, no big deal....it's fun to check the top lists though. I posted about 5 stories so far, I got one guy who criticized the characters for smoking when they also worked out and another who told me that "squoze" is not a word....where I come from it's perfectly acceptable as the past tense of the verb "to squeeze" big deal huh! two responses to five stories that all made the top lists. Fact is I wrote them for my girlfriend and only shared with everybody here. Her feedback was all that really mattered!

 

[Guest]

insulted indian

the manner in which you appear to discount the feedback from "just an indian" is totally insulting and outrageous. no matter what you may say now, it betrays your slavishly racist mindset.
as the indian who gave you the feeback, i take it all back, and would like you to do some deep and sincere reflection on your values.

 

[Guest]

Re: insulted indian

the manner in which you appear to discount the feedback from "just an indian" is totally insulting and outrageous. no matter what you may say now, it betrays your slavishly racist mindset.
as the indian who gave you the feeback, i take it all back, and would like you to do some deep and sincere reflection on your values.

I don't mean to split hairs here, but I think what she actually said was:

Originally posted by susimol_2000
i feel disappointed that i received just one reply to my request on feedback & that too from india only.

Now, not that it was elegant or anything, but I took that to mean that the only feedback she got was from halfway around the world. I don't think the intent was racist.

Then again, I've been known to be wrong before (just ask my wife...over, and over, and over again!)

 

[Bob Peale]

Bollocks!

I cannot get the hang of this registering first! Didn't we used to be able to register as we posted? Bloody Hell!

OK, I'm better now. Just because I hate anonymous posting, I wanted to say that I posted the comment above.

Peace.

 

[CAT~~]

Okay so even the people that give their opinions are a little sensitive to any kind of critique. Come on guest, try reading the post as written and quit trying to make this a racial issue, which it isn't.
Amazingly enough, she wanted more input, and she just didn't want it to be from India. If that is wrong to get multicultural opinions, then you are the one that is the racist.

Cat~~

 

[Guest]

you decide...

1. How would registering change the impact or relevance of what I have to say? Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe I haven't said anything that remotely seems like flaming or hate mail.

2. Just replace "India/Indian" for say "Gays/Blacks" or other subcultures, and decide whether this smacks of racism or not. I agree, it's not blatant, maybe not even intentional, but hey nor is most racism - which is exactly why we need to be so vigilant about it...

Thanks for bearing with me; this is my final word on the debate.

 

[Frederick Carol]

I've come late to this thread, but has anyone taken the trouble to look at the profile page for Susimol (not Susimol_2000).

She works in a travel agency in Madras which, last time I looked, is in India, so the probability is high that she is herself Indian.

Seems like we're the ones that failed her.

 

[Bob Peale]

Re: you decide...

1. How would registering change the impact or relevance of what I have to say? Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe I haven't said anything that remotely seems like flaming or hate mail.

No, so far it has been a legitimate discourse (I for one have been the victim of this insane registration system, so I don't find fault with that)

2. Just replace "India/Indian" for say "Gays/Blacks" or other subcultures, and decide whether this smacks of racism or not.

Let's see...

"i feel disappointed that i received just one reply to my request on feedback & that too from gays only."

"i feel disappointed that i received just one reply to my request on feedback & that too from blacks only."

Nope, still doesn't seem racist. Seems like she was hoping to hear from other sections of the population.

This may be further supported by the fact that all of her stories appear to have Indian main characters. I may be going out on a limb here, but I get the distinct impression that she was hoping to hear from someone outside her target demographic.

Again, it was worded clumsily, but I don't think she intended to offend the single most populace country on the globe.

I agree, it's not blatant, maybe not even intentional, but hey nor is most racism - which is exactly why we need to be so vigilant about it...

Once again, au contraire. According to Mr. Webster...

Main Entry: rac·ism
Pronunciation: 'rA-"si-z&m also -"shi-
Function: noun
Date: 1936
1 : a belief that race is the primary determinant of human traits and capacities and that racial differences produce an inherent superiority of a particular race
2 : racial prejudice or discrimination


Neither definition smacks of passivity. I think by definition, racism is a complicit act. Now ignorance, that can be unintentional...

I could lie and say that this is my final word on the matter, but this is fun

 

[Bluetrain]

i know its being diffidently high and mighty, but I have to laugh at the turn this thread has taken. it's quite amusing.

now that the feedback issue has played out, can we close allegations and refutions of racism?

and not to split hairs, but i think natives of India are categorized as caucasians, and therefore aren't a separate "race" to be slandered, unless susimol happens to be black, asian, inuit, or polynesian.

please don't reply to the above on this thread.

 

[Bob Peale]

Nope, no fair lobbing grenades then ducking.

Again, from Mr. Webster:

2 a : a family, tribe, people, or nation belonging to the same stock b : a class or kind of people unified by community of interests, habits, or characteristics <the English race>


It actually would have died as a thread had the allegations not started. She asked for feedback, she got feedback (both on the board and by email), and then we had the knickers in a knot.

 

[Bluetrain]

bollocks to mr. webster.

 

[Bob Peale]

bollocks to mr. webster.

LOL!

I know how you feel, I hate it when that happens!

Welcome to the board Bluetrain