Dirty Jokes

[Honey_B]

Sometimes when I'm busy writing, I need to take a break and have a good laugh. Post here your favorite dirty joke. I'll start...

A guy met a girl in a bar and asked, "May I buy you a drink?"

"Okay. But it won't do you any good," she replied.

A little while later, he asked, "May I buy you another drink?"

"Okay. But it won't do you any good."

At closing time, he invited her up to his apartment, and she replied, "Okay. But it won't do you any good."

When they got to his aprtment he said, "You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I want you for my wife."

"Oh," she replied, "that's different. Send her in."

 

[Sinful_whispers]

An Ode To Oral Sex.....
Penis breath, a lover's dread
Is what you get when you give head
Unpleasant as it tends to be
Be grateful that he doesn't pee
It's times like this, you wonder why
you bothered reaching for his fly
But it's too late, can't be a tease
Accept the facts, get on your knees
You know you've got a job to do
So open wide and shove it through
Lick the tip then take it all
Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl
Slide up and down, use your tongue
And feel the precum start to run
So when the fuck's he gonna cum
Just, when you can't take anymore
You hear your lover's mighty roar
And when he hits that real high note
You feel it oozing down your throat
Salty, fishy, sticky, yuck!y stuff
Okay, already that's enough
Let's switch you say, before you gag
And what's your revenge, your on the rag.​

 

[Sinful_whispers]

There were three daughters and they all wanted to get married but they couldn't afford it and neither could there parents. So the parents said "We will give you all a joint wedding and then you will all be able to get married".

So they got married and all three daughters then said "I want a honeymoon but we cant afford it". The parents couldn't afford it either so they deiced they would have the honeymoon at their parents house.

So on there honeymoon night their mother woke up and deiced to go downstairs and get a drink. On the way down she heard the first daughter screaming but she juts ignored it. When she reached the second daughters bedroom she could hear laughing and just ignored it. When she reached the third daughters room she could hear nothing and deiced 2 ignore it.

The next morning at the breakfast table she said to the first daughter "Why were you screaming?". And the daughter replied "Well mother you told me 2 scream when something hurt."

Then the mother said to the second daughter "Why were you laughing last night?" and the daughter replied "Mother you told me to laugh when something tickled".

Then the mother said to the last daughter "Why didn't I hear anything coming from your room last night?" and the daughter replied "Well mother you told me never to talk with my mouth full".​

 

[Honey_B]

Good one, Sinful_whispers! The ode was simply priceless.

Here's another...

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."

 

[Sinful_whispers]

LOL....good one


There was a young woman who lived with her grandmother. One night the
granddaughter came bouncing down the stairs dressed to go out to a party wearing
a see through blouse without a bra. Her grandmother told her to go back up
stairs and "dress decent."

The young woman said, "No, I want to show off my rosebuds," and went out the
door.

The next day the granddaughter came outside to find her grandmother on the porch
wearing the see through blouse without a bra.

"Grandmother! What are you doing? My boyfriend and a couple of other friends are
coming over any time now!" she cried, "Please go change your blouse, I'm so
embarrassed!"

The older woman replied, "Well if you can show off your rosebuds then I can show
off my hanging baskets."

 

[Sinful_whispers]

Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court
before the judge.
The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to
give you a second chance rather than
jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others
the evils of drug use and pursued them
to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the
judge said to the first one,
"How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this:
O o and told
them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this
(small circle)is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you
do?" (to the 2nd guy)
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"
"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and
told them,
"This is your asshole before prison...."

 

[dragonrazor]

o.o that is scary...i have no dirty jokes, sadly...at least, none that i can remember

 

[Lady_Mornington]

Marketing terminology

Found this comprehensive guide to the parlance of marketing...

* You're a woman attending a party and see a good-looking guy. You approach him and tell him "I'm fantastic in bed"

- That's direct marketing

* You and your friends are attending a party and see a good-looking guy. Your friend approaches him and tells him "My friend is fantastic in bed"

- That's advertising

* You see the good-looking guy on the party, gets his phone number. Calls him the next day and tells him "I'm fantastic in bed"

- That's telemarketing

* You approach the guy at the party, approach him and tell him "I've heard you're fantastic in bed"

- That's brand recognition

* You and your friend are attending a party. A young man shows interest in you but you convince him to go home with your friend

- That's representation

* She can't satisfy him so she calls you

- That's technical support

*A man attends the party. Takes a look around and realises he wants all of the girls. He gets on the table and shouts "I'm fantastic in bed"

- That's SPAM

 

[Sinful_whispers]

LOL..never heard that one..very cool joke Lady Mornington


Make ya think twice about doing drugs Dragonrazor?

 

[Kousotu]

lmao that's great LM.

sadly, I suck at jokes, much less dirty ones

 

[Lady_Mornington]

You're too kind

And another list of usable words:

Attraction - When one associates being horny with a special person

Love at first sight - The thing that happens when two horny and not too chosy people meet.

Dating - The process when one spends large amounts of money, time and energy getting to know a person whom one doesn't like now and are likely to like less in the future

Birthcontrol - Avoiding pregnancy by taking pills, using intrauterine devices, condoms and dating repugnant men

Cheap - The term used to describe a woman with the same sexual morals as a man

Friend - A person of the opposite sex with whom you can speak but is so repugnant that you cannot contemplate sleeping with him/her

Interesting - The term used by a man for a woman who lets him do the talking

Relativity - How attractive a person is is always put in relation to how unattractive your date is

Nymphomaniac - A woman who wants sex more often than a man

Sober - A state of mind when it's impossible to fall in love

 

[Kousotu]

Just givin credit where it's due like any decient man should

though you letter posting is creapy at times lol

 

[Lady_Mornington]

though you letter posting is creapy at times lol

It is most definetly not creepy

 

[Kousotu]

It is most definetly not creepy

all depends on the person reading it, but sometimes sounds rather sinister. "creapy" was a typo

 

[Honey_B]

More funny stuff, Sinful_whispers. Cool!

Lady_Mornington, I like your sense of humor. *grin*

Now let's see if I can remember this correctly...

Disclaimer: If you are easily offended and are: A) A cat lover B) A Catholic C) A Catholic, cat lover please do not read on.

A man walks into confession and says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."

The priest replies, "What have you done to sin against God, my son?"

The penitent responds, "I am so ashamed. I fucked my cat."

The priest winced at the man's language and said, "This is a sin against nature and all that is holy! You must say 6 rosaries and promise to God never to do this thing again."

The man says, "Of course, Father."

A week later the same man enters the confessional and tells the priest, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."

The priest ask, "What have you done to sin against God, my son?"

The man responds, "I am mortified, Father. I couldn't help myself last night. I fucked my cat again."

The priest draws in a sharp breath and responds, "My son, you must stop this sinful behavior. You must say 12 rosaries and promise to God never to do this thing again."

The man says, "I will, Father."

That night, the same priest sat watching Baywatch in the rectory and felt himself get horny. Just then, the parish tabby cat walked by and the priest remember the confession he had heard earlier that day. Before he realized what was happening, the priest stripped off his pants and he grabbed the cat. As the priest tried to have his way with her, the indignant feline turned on him. Claws and teeth dug into his penis and the priest dropped the cat. Limping to the bathroom, the priest couldn't imagine why the man couldn't stop fucking his cat. It was a bloody, tortuous hell!

A week passed and the same man returned to confession.

"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."

The priest rolled his eyes, and asked, "What have you done to sin against God, my son?"

The man responds, "I've done it again. I fucked my cat. Father, I just can't seem to help myself."

The priest just had to ask, "How can you stand the pain of your cat ripping you to shreds when you violate her?"

The man smiled and said, "Oh, I get a shoebox and cut a hole at one end. I put my cat inside and tape the lid shut before I fuck her."

The priest took a deep breath and said, "I see, my son. For your penance, you must fuck you cat. Without the box."

 

[Sinful_whispers]

Quick short one between post... BTW Loved that last one Honey!

A koala bear was approached by a prostitute,since he had never been with one before,he was curious and excited. They spent the night together in a hotel, and he had sex with her again the next morning, one last time before departing. As he was heading for the door, the prostitute yelled, "Hey, what about my money?"
The koala turned, gave her a puzzled look and shrugged his shoulders. She said, "Come here," and pulled a dictionary out of her purse. She pointed to the word "prostitute" and its definition, "Has sex and gets paid."
Finally understanding, the koala borrowed her dictionary, turned to the word "koala" and showed her, "Eats bush and leaves."


:: slips off to write another post ::

 

[Sinful_whispers]

Family Photo Album

A young boy was looking through the family album and asked his mother, "Who's this guy on the beach with you with all the muscles and curly hair?"
"That's your father."
"Then who's that old bald-headed fat man who lives with us now?"

(Just thought this one was cute)

 

[carnalfex]

dirty jokes are always fun. just remember, the less appropriate the situation, the better the joke will be.
***
a lovely young couple were about to get married when the man said "honey, i have a confession to make. Im hung like a baby."
"thats ok dear, i canlive with it. i love you for you, not for your body or for anything as passing as sex," she replied sweetly. so the marriage went on as planned.
when they arrived at the honeymoon suite, they stripped down and the woman was shocked - her new husband had the largest cock she had ever seen! "i thought you said you were hung like a baby!" she asked, stunned.
"i am," he replied. "about 19 inches, 7 and a half pounds..."
***
by the way, if roger the dog helped you, would you help roger the dog?

 

[Sinful_whispers]

LMAO..very cool Carnalfex

Two deaf people got married. During the first week of marriage, they found they were unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn the lights off because they can't see each other using sign language.
After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on penis one time."
"If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis....fifty times."

 

[Sinful_whispers]

An age old answer to the question of which came first...the chicken or the egg-


A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.

The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says,

"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."

 

[Lady_Mornington]

Most amusing

George had been working the nightshift and came home early in the morning to find his wife in bed, covers pulled over her head. Feeling a bit frisky he decided to have a go at her.

After a few minutes, all spent he went to the kitchen to get a snack, and to his surprise he finds his wife there making coffee.

"But, but I just shagged you in the bedroom???"

Panic in her voice his wife replies: "Oh God that was my mother, she stayed the night and used your bed."

Giving him a dirty look she went to check on her dear Mama, asking her why she hadn't said anything when George had gone about his business.

Her mother growls in response: "I haven't spoken to the bastard in twenty years why should I start now..."

 

[Sinful_whispers]

At a local college dance, a guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance.

While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug".

She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."

A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss".

She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."

Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich".

She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."

 

[Sinful_whispers]

What women would do if they had a penis for a day​

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.

9. Get a blow job.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.

6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

1. Repeat number 9......

 

[Sinful_whispers]

What men would do if they had a vagina for a day​

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do the splits.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

 

[Lady_Mornington]

A
She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."

Should I take it as a mild reproach? Being Swedish and all...