Dirty Jokes

[kendo1]

Little Annie wants to take her dog, Sally, for a walk.
"I'm sorry, Annie," says her mum. "She's in heat. Maybe your dad can do something, though."
Annie takes her dog to the garage where her dad is working on his car.
"Mum says I can't take Sally for a walk coz she's in heat."
"Well now," says her dad. "If you get me that cloth over there, I'll put some petrol on it and rub Sally's ass with it, that will disguise her scent. Then you can take her out."
Sally is duly treated with the petrol covered cloth and Annie takes her dog out for a walk.
She comes back fifteen minutes later... no Sally.
Annie's dad asks her where Sally is.
"She ran out of petrol half way round the block, but it's okay. Another dog is pushing her back."

 

[Quiet_Cool]

Here's an old one...

There's this guy who has an idea for an invention, but no money. So he goes to the bank, walks up to the teller and says, "I need to take out a loan."

"In what amount?" The teller asks.

"$500,000," he replies.

"Sir, that's a huge amount of money. You'll have to talk to the manager..."

So the manager comes out, escorts the man into his office and sits him down and asks, "All right, sir. What is this money for?"

"To fund an invention," the man replies. "I've got a great invention, but I need money to market it."

"What invention is that?" The manager asks.

THe man pulls a small vial out of his pocket. The vial contains white powder.

"And what's that?" The manager asks.

"Well, you sprinkle this powder on your wife when you go down on her. It makes her taste like oranges."

The manager actually laughs. "Sir, that's the dumbest idea I've ever heard of. It'll never work. I'm sorry, we can't lend you the money."

Six months go by, and the man returns again, going to the teller and saying "I need to open an account in the amount of $500,000."

The manager sees him, overhears his words and walks over, asking, "You're not telling me that idea actually worked?"

The man shakes his head, drawing a vial out of his pocket containing gray powder. "No, this stuff did. You sprinkle this on your oranges..."

Q_C

 

[Virtual_Burlesque]

The Good, The Bad & The Ugly



Good: You're pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: Your husband had a vasectomy five years ago.

_________________________________________________


Good: Your husband is not talking to you.
Bad: He wants a divorce.
Ugly: He's a lawyer.

_________________________________________________

Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

_________________________________________________

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several pornographic movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.

_________________________________________________

Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

_________________________________________________

Good: You give "the birds and the bees" talk to your 14-year-old daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

_________________________________________________

Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.
Too Ugly: She makes more money than you do!

 

[AppleBiter]

*If you are a Michael Jackson fan (or hate really sick jokes) you may not want to read these. Read @ your own risk.*

That having been said . . .

What do Michael Jackson and caviar have in common?

They both come on little crackers.


What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?

One is plastic and harmful to children and the other, you carry your groceries home in.

 

[rikaaim]

Burley, those were all great.

 

[Dar~]

Layoffs are Tough
--------------------

Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees - always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed.

Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off.

So, he sits in his office and watches them work.

Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with.

Mr. Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, "Sarah, I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."

Sarah says, "Can you jack off? I have a headache."

 

[Dar~]

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?" "You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m.

The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and **very** satisfied. "Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!" "I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything." "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!" "I can't remember, exactly...Peter Peter,something or other...."

 

[Dar~]

A farmer is giving his wife last-minute instructions before heading to town to do chores.

"That fellow from Sematol will be along this afternoon to inseminate one of the cows. I've hung a nail by the right stall so you'll know which one I want him to impregnate."

Satisfied that even his mentally challenged wife could understand the instructions, the farmer left for town.

That afternoon, the 'Inseminator' arrives, and the wife dutifully takes him out to the barn and directly to the stall with the nail.

"This is the cow right here," she tells him.

"What's the nail for?" the guy asks.

Replies the wife, "I guess its to hang up your pants."

 

[Dar~]

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire."

The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north.

That night over dinner, the first man tells his story: "Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"

The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks, and I had sex with her in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."

"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?"

"Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't find her head."

 

[Halo_n_horns]

For those of you who remember the pizza commercials that spawned this...

A John pulls up to a corner with a brunette hooker and two blonde hookers. The John asks, "How much for all three of you?"

The brunette points to herself and then the other two while saying, "Regular price, four bucks, four bucks."

 

[Halo_n_horns]

Not exactly dirty...

One day, President Bill Clinton was stepping off of Airforce One after coming back from a trip to Arkansas. He had a small Arkansas Razorback pig under each arm. As usual there was a full gauntlet of Marines standing to each side of the red carpet as Bill exited the plane.

One Marine couldn't help but break formation to ask the President, "Um, sir, why do you have a pig under each arm?"

"Son," said the President, "These aren't just your ordinary, average, everyday, run-of-the-mill pigs. These here are genuine Arkansas Razorback Pigs from my home state. I got one for Hillary and one Chelsea."

The Marine replied, "Good trade, sir."

 

[Guest]

Daughter confides to her mother, that her boyfriend is pressuring her for oral sex.

The mother advises her to do it. "It's not many men these days that will settle for just talking about sex."

----------------------

Woman to roommate : "He wanted to have sex in the worst way. And it was."

----------------------

What did the trailer trash girl say after losing her virginity?


"Get off me Dad, you're crushing my smokes."

----------------------

 

[matriarch]

A man walks into the dentist's office and after the dentist examines him, he says, "That tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes."

The man grabs the doc's arm, "No way. I hate needles I'm not having any shot!"

So the dentist says, "Okay, we'll have to go with the gas." The man replies, "Absolutely not. It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas."

So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water, "Here," he says. "Take this pill."

The man asks "What is it?"

The doc replies, "Viagra."

The man looks surprised, "Will that kill the pain?" he asks.

"No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth!"

 

[BlackShanglan]

A mother is cleaning her teen-aged son's room when she finds a stash of porn under the bed. She is shocked to see that some of it is quite kinky S&M stuff. She takes it to her husband and asks what he thinks they should do.

"I'm not sure," he says, flipping through the pages, "but I'm pretty sure we shouldn't spank him."

 

[BlackShanglan]

Long, but an old favorite of mine ...

A man is driving down the road when he sees a billboard: "SISTERS OF HOLY MERCY CONVENT AND WHOREHOUSE - 3 MILES." He zips by it so quickly that he only just catches it, and after a second he shakes his head and thinks, "Nah! Can't be!" But a mile later there's another sign: "SISTERS OF HOLY MERCY CONVENT AND WHOREHOUSE - 2 MILES." Now he's intrigued. He watches carefully, and sure enough there's a one-mile sign, and then a mile later a turnoff up to an old stone convent on the hill. Right at the turn off, there's a big sign: "YES! THIS IS IT! SISTERS OF HOLY MERCY CONVENT AND WHOREHOUSE!"

He can't help himself. He turns off and drives up to the convent. A little nervously, he glances back at the sign, then knocks on the door. A sweet, ancient nun in a habit opens the door.

"Good day my son, are you come for a blessing?"

He hems and haws, embarassed to say anything. At last he spits out - "Um, there was ... this sign ... and, um ..."

"Oh yes," she says, "that's right. You're here for a special blessing, aren't you? We have some lovely young novitiates."

He's surprised, but now intrigued and excited. He agrees, and she beckons him in.

"The donation will be $200," she says, "Just place your alms in this basket."

It seems like a lot, but he's enticed by images of kinky young novitiates in habits, and he quickly pays.

"There, now, my son," says the elderly nun. "You just go down that hallway and through the big wooden door, and you will receive your reward."

He doesn't wait to be told twice. He hurries down the hall and through the door.

And into the back parking lot. He stands there a second, baffled, and then hears the lock turn behind him. Then he looks up and sees a billboard across the parking lot:

"CONGRATULATIONS. YOU'VE JUST BEEN FUCKED BY THE SISTERS OF HOLY MERCY."