Dirty Jokes

[AppleBiter]

Got any?

Here's one of my faves: 3 guys are sitting at a bar on Valentine's Day. The bartender asks the first guy, "What are you getting your wife for Valentine's Day?"

First guy says, "A bracelet."

Bartender asks the second guy the same question.

Second guy says, "A necklace."

Bartender asks the third guy.

Third guy says, "A ring and a dildo."

Bartender says, "The ring's a nice gift, but why are you getting her a dildo?"

The guy says, "Because if she doesn't like the ring, she can go fuck herself."



Your turn.

 

[Dar~]

A man fell in the mud
He went home and took a bath with bubbles
Bubbles was the girl next door.

 

[Dar~]

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?




2 the trouble is getting them in there.

 

[Virtual_Burlesque]

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure it was such a good idea.

The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?"

She said that she did.

He asked, "Does it hurt you?"

She said no.

The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."

The woman was mystified. She asked, "Can I get pregnant from anal sex?"

The Doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?"

 

[cantdog]

A rich widow wanted to remarry, but she was now indulging herself daily in her new wealth, so she decided to marry a virgin. She began shopping as she would have for anything, but there were no virgins to be had.

Months went by, she worked at this more and more. She may have become obsessed. Agents were sent out. Finally, one is Oz sent back word, after a search worldwide lasting more than two years, of a virgin man from the Big Empty, about her age, as she had specified. He agreed to fly to California and meet the woman, they hit it off, and they had a lavish wedding on a month's acquaintance.

Wedding night, now. She goes in the dressing room to prepare, to 'slip into something more comfortable.' When she emerges, the man has cleared the furniture from the bedroom. Everything he couldn't move out completely he had stacked against the walls.

"What are you doing?" laughed the bride. She was amused that he had so little concept of what sex was going to be like.

"I've never had a woman," replied the Ozzie, "but if it's anything like a kangaroo, we're going to need all the room we can get."

 

[Virtual_Burlesque]

A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month.

A month later, the musician went to a porno theatre to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.

The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog.

After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music."

"Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."

 

[matriarch]

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure it was such a good idea.

The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?"

She said that she did.

He asked, "Does it hurt you?"

She said no.

The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."

The woman was mystified. She asked, "Can I get pregnant from anal sex?"

The Doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?"

ROFLMAO
Wonderful

 

[matriarch]

A rich widow wanted to remarry, but she was now indulging herself daily in her new wealth, so she decided to marry a virgin. She began shopping as she would have for anything, but there were no virgins to be had.

Months went by, she worked at this more and more. She may have become obsessed. Agents were sent out. Finally, one is Oz sent back word, after a search worldwide lasting more than two years, of a virgin man from the Big Empty, about her age, as she had specified. He agreed to fly to California and meet the woman, they hit it off, and they had a lavish wedding on a month's acquaintance.

Wedding night, now. She goes in the dressing room to prepare, to 'slip into something more comfortable.' When she emerges, the man has cleared the furniture from the bedroom. Everything he couldn't move out completely he had stacked against the walls.

"What are you doing?" laughed the bride. She was amused that he had so little concept of what sex was going to be like.

"I've never had a woman," replied the Ozzie, "but if it's anything like a kangaroo, we're going to need all the room we can get."

Damnit Cant..........now I have to go refill my coke glass.....and clean the screen.

Brilliant!!

 

[BlackShanglan]

On the kangaroo theme ...

One night a sailor, much the worse for the wear and about eight sheets to the wind, staggers into a whorehouse down by the docks. He's keen for action, but remarkably short on cash. He's only got 10 dollars - not enough to buy even the briefest of favors from one of the resident ladies. Finally the madam takes pity on him and says, "Well, there's a room over there. Give us what you've got and you can go shag." He slaps down his dosh, enters the room, and finds ... a kangaroo. He's dubious, but his money is gone and he's still horny, so he shags the kangaroo.

Two nights later, he's back to the same whorehouse in worse condition still. He's down to five bucks. He's slurring and stumbling, but manages to enunciate a request to see the kangaroo. The madam says no, even the 'roo has its limits, and for five bucks all he can do is watch and wank. He shrugs and takes the offer, and she puts him in a room with a couple of other similarly impoverished souls watching the far wall. Looking carefully, he realizes that it's a big one-way mirror, and he's looking into a room where two blondes and a German shepherd dog are going hard at it. Thinking this a pretty good bargain, he turns to the man next to him.

"Damn," he says. "That's some pretty hot action!"

"Should have been there Thursday," says the other. "They had some poor bastard fucking a kangaroo."

 

[Virtual_Burlesque]

A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde driver.

"Is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road"?

The blonde replied, "Officer, thank goodness you're here!! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"

Reaching through the side window past the blonde to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Excuse me, but that was your air freshener."

 

[Halo_n_horns]

Haven't seen any blonde jokes yet...

What's the smartest thing to come out of a blonde's mouth?

Einstein's cock.

 

[minsue]

Haven't seen any blonde jokes yet...

Psssssst! Look directly above you.

 

[Halo_n_horns]

Psssssst! Look directly above you.

Now how did I miss that???

So this dark haired guy wants to post a blonde joke...

 

[minsue]

Now how did I miss that???

So this dark haired guy wants to post a blonde joke...

It's ok, sweetie. We blondes know how difficult these things can be for you people.

 

[Virtual_Burlesque]

Now how did I miss that???. . .

Er . . . How blonde of you.





One day this guy comes to work at a dildo shop. His boss leaves for the day and puts him in charge of the shop.

About an hour later a redhead comes in and asks "How much for your black dildos?"

The guy says "30 bucks"

"And how much for your white dildos?" asks the lady.

Again the man says "30 bucks for the black and 30 bucks for the white"

So she takes the black one and leaves.

A while later a brunette comes in to the store and asks "How much for your white dildos?"

The man responds "30 bucks"

She asks "And how much for your black dildos?"

"30 bucks for the white and 30 bucks for the black" replies the man.

So she takes the white one leaves.

About an hour later a blonde walks through the door and asks "How much are your dildos?"

The guys says "All our dildos are 30 bucks"

Then she looks up behind the man on a shelf and ask "How much for that plaid one?"

The man responds "Oh, that one is special. That will cost you $250"

The blonde agrees and takes it.

Later that day the boss come back and asks "So what did you sell today?"

The man says "I sold a black dildo, a white dildo , and your thermous flask for $250!"

 

[rikaaim]

It's getting late one night and an old gent wonders into the local pub. He plops down at the bar and looks at the bar tender and says," Give me a shot of your strongest Tequila."

The bar tender pours him a shot and he downs it as quick as he can. He slams the glass down and looks around the room. He notices in the cornor a table that is occupied by three big burly guys. He looks over at the first one and says, "Hey you. Yeah you. I had your mom last night. Boy was she a nice piece of ass." He chuckles to himself, looks at the bar tender, and says, "Hey man. Give me another shot."

The bar tender pours him another glass and again he throws it back and slams the shot glass down. He waits a minute and looks back at the table again. This time he hollers to the second guy, "Hey! Yeah I'm talking to you. Your mom fucks like a drunken sheep."

He's highly amused with himself and again asks the bartender for another drink.

The bar tender looks at him and says, "Listen mister. I think you've had enough. All your doing is causing trouble."

The drunk looks back at him and says, "C'mon. Just give me one more shot then I'll be on my way."

The bar tender pours him one last drink and he downs that one too, slamming the glass on the bar. He's getting a little tipsy now and is starting to slur. He manages to shoot a look back at the coner table and hollers at the third guy in the group. "Hey you. Yeah your mom sure knows how to fuck. I think I'm going to have her again tonight!"

He lets out a staggered laugh and the three guys all stand up together. They approach the wobbley man and lift him up by the arms. As they stand him on his feet the first one says, "C'mon dad. Let's go home. "

 

[Virtual_Burlesque]

An alien walks into a bar and sits next to a drunk guy and begins poking him in the shoulder.

The drunk guy just ignores him.

After a wile the guy turns to the alien and begins looking him up and down.

He notices that the alien has no genitalia.

He then asks "Hey, youse guys don't have no genitalia, how can you have sex?"

The alien, still poking him in the arm, just smiles!

 

[BlackShanglan]

It's ok, sweetie. We blondes know how difficult these things can be for you people.

Why do all blonde jokes have one-line punch lines?

So non-blondes can understand them.

 

[minsue]

Why do all blonde jokes have one-line punch lines?

So non-blondes can understand them.

 

[Virtual_Burlesque]

A blonde walked into the hairdresser's shop wearing headphones. She asked the hairdresser to cut her hair.

The blonde sat down in the chair. The hairdresser took off the blonde's headphones, and cut her hair.

Afterwards, the hairdresser asked the blonde how she likes her hair but, to her surprise, the blonde is dead!

The hairdresser picked up the headphones and listened to what the blonde had been playing.

She heard: “Breathe in . . . breathe out . . . breathe in . . . breathe out . . . "

 

[Guest]

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.

"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"

"None," replied Johnny, "'cause the rest would fly away."

"Well, the correct answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you're thinking."

Little Johnny paused for a moment then inquires, "Can I ask you a question?"

"Well, okay," she replied. "What's your question?"

"If there were three women eating ice cream cones at the Dairy Queen, and one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone, and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well . . ." started the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking her cone."

"No," said Little Johnny. "The correct answer is the one wearing a wedding ring. But I like the way you're thinking."

 

[Virtual_Burlesque]

Two winos stagger down an alleyway, late at night, very drunk on cheap wine. Arm in arm and singing, they suddenly stop dead in their tracks. Directly ahead of them is a fleabitten, old, male, mongrel dog — licking himself.

One wino standing on unsteady legs, stares with bloodshot, unfocused eyes at the dog, then his crotch, and then back at the dog.

"Wow!" he exclaims. "Would I ever like to be able to do THAT!"

His friend looks at him, then the dog, and then pulls his drunken friend aside.

"You'd better pet him first. He looks vicious".

 

[dizzylia]

Bears and Beer

A bear walks into a bar in Bismarck, North Dakota, and orders a beer.

The bartender replies, "Sorry, we don't serve bears beer in Bismarck, North Dakota."

The bear lets out a large roar and says, "I WANT A BEER!"

Again, the bartender replies, "We don't serve bears beer in Bismarck, North Dakota."

The bear leans in close to the bartender and growls, "If you don't give me a beer, I'm going to do something terrible!"

The bartender replies, "We don't serve belligerent bears beer in Bismarck, North Dakota."

With a horrible snarl, the bear eats a woman sitting at the end of the bar. He saunters back and says with a roar, "NOW GIVE ME A BEER, OR I'LL EAT YOU TOO!"

The bartender shakes his head and says sadly, "We don't serve belligerent bears beer in in Bismarck, North Dakota. Especially when they're on drugs."

This makes the bear pause. "What are you talking about? I'm not on drugs."

"Yes you are," the bartender replies calmly. "That was a bar-bitch-you-ate."

 

[Virtual_Burlesque]

A dog owner in Dallas, had a pit bull that hated to walk.

The dog would sit back and brace his feet so that the owner could only move him by dragging him along by his lead.

The owner finally gave up when he realized he was creating a bottomless pit.​

http://www.offthemark.com/Images/dogs/dog66.gif​

 

[rgraham666]

Ow. Ow.