Dirty jokes - bare 'em and share 'em

[RomanSteel]

To start this off:

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

 

[RomanSteel]

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"


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Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

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Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".

The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

 

[FoxtrotUnder]

Two band girls are gossiping about boys. One girl says she's got a date with the hottest trumpet player that night. Second girl is estatic and demands to know every detail the next day. Morning comes around and the girls get back together for some gossiping. "sooo how was the date did you kiss him?" the second girl asks. "it was okay. The kiss was really slobbery and a bit too tight. I have a date with the tuba player tonight though!" first girl replies.

Of course, next day rolls around and the second girl egarly awaits detailson the date. She asks her "how was the tuba player what did you do did he kiss you??!" "it was a dull date and the kiss was awful!!! It was loose and flabbery! I have a date with the sexy French horn player tonight though!"

The next day, first girl walks up with a big smile on her face. "well what happened last night how was the kissing?!" "the kissing was mediocre but I LOVED the way he held me!"



A little bit of band nerd humor for those who get it.

 

[jen_litgirl]

Oh my word! You had me in laughing in hysterics! I wish I knew some dirty jokes to share but I can never remember jokes. My attentions span is too short but I loves these jokes. Thanks for starting this thread.

 

[amofiga]

A married woman is having some afternoon delight with her boyfriend in her own bedroom because her husband is away on business. Suddenly she hears the front door open and realizes her husband has come home early.

"Quick", she says pushing him into the closet. "Hide in here while I send him out to the supermarket for something."

While in the bedroom closet, he hears a whisper next to him. "Sure is dark in here."

He turns and sees the woman's nine year old son. "What are you doing in here and how long have you been here", the man asks upset.

"I came in here to get my baseball glove and jumped into the closet in when you came in with mom. I know what you were doing, but I think if you buy my baseball glove for $100, I won't tell my dad."

So the guy forks up 100 bucks and makes his escape later when the husband leaves to go to the supermarket.

A few weeks later, the boyfriend and woman are enjoying some afternoon delight yet again when her husband comes home early. Again he hides in the closet and again the little voice pipes up, "Sure is dark in here."

Once again, there is a story about how the son was retrieving something in the closet and once again the boyfriend is forced to shell out hush money. This time it's $100 for an old football.

Several days later the boy's father seens the son riding a brand new bike and asks where he got the money to buy it. The son says he sold his old baseball glove and old football for $100 each to "a friend". The father us upset that his son cheated one of his friends and tells him he should go to church to confess his sin. THe boy slids into the confessional, kneels and says, "Boy, sure is dark in here", at which point the priest's voice from the other side of the confessional curtain replies, "Listen kid, I'm not giving you another hundred bucks for anything!"

 

[bernett69]

ok, what is better...

roses on a piano or tulips on an organ ?

 

[nicknude]

Two Bulls

There were two bulls, an old bull and a young bull, standing on top of a hill looking down upon a bunch of hot cows grazing below. Their very full udders were hanging down, dripping and glistening in the sun.

The young bull was jumping around and going crazy with lust. His big bull cock was hanging down and very ready for fucking.

He screamed at the old bull, 'Let's run down there and fuck one of those cows!!'

The old bull turned to him and said, 'Let's walk down and fuck them all.'

 

[slowpoking]

Why do dogs lick their balls?
Because they can.
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What's the best way to get a dog to stop humping your leg?
Suck his dick.
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Two drunks walking down a sidewalk pass a dog licking his balls. The first says, "Man, I wish I could do that." The second responds, "You probably could, but you'd have to pet him first."

 

[Benzboy]

Superman

Superman is flying along and spots Wonder Woman sunbathing on the rooftop of Superfriend Headquarters with her legs spread, sunning her pussy. He thinks to himself, "I can fly down there at super-speed, fuck her brains out and leave before she has any idea what happened." So he does. He zooms in, fucks her at Super Speed and leaves.
Wonder Woman opens her eyes and says, "What the fuck was that?". Mr. Invisible suddenly appears and says "I don't know but my ass sure hurts!"

 

[Carnevil9]

Q: How can you tell if your roommate is gay?

A: His dick tastes like shit.

 

[RomanSteel]

A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease. "Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?" "Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?" "Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?" "And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?" "Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?" "Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your tits twice a day, but only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you go mad, too?"

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A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet".

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look, and says "There is nothing wrong with them!"

Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies, "That was very nice but, are... my... test... results... back?

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What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

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What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
They can both smell it but can't eat it.

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How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
It's not hard.

 

[chatman2]

chatman2

Love em....

Only been hurt twice in my life...
first time was out in the woods ...nature called so found a spot, dropped my pants and squated to shit...set on an animal trap
second time was when the slack went out of the chain!

keep em cumming...

 

[venice527]

A taxi driver stopped as he was hailed by a nun on the sidewalk. The Nun was very beautiful and the driver had a plan up his sleeve. He appeared very sad and his fare asked him why he was so sad and seemed upset. Well, said the driver, "I just got some terrible news that I had an uncurable disease and I am unmarried and all alone and so lonely that my one goal in life is to receive a blow job from a beautiful woman before I die. It has been many years since I have had sex and I cry all the time thinking I will never have sex again. All I want is to receive a blow job from an attractive woman willing to help me. I would never ask you to help me sister but I wanted to explain that this is why I look so sad to you."

"Please come back here and let me comfort you," he heard the nun say and the man moved into the back seat. Once there he could no longer control himself and embraced the nun while tongue kissing her. The woman bent over and pulled his hard cock out and gave him the best blow job he ever had.

"Thank you Sister, thank you so very much but I must admit that I have a confession to tell you. I am happily married with six children and do not have an uncurable disease. I apologize but my guilty conscience had to let you know."

"Aw, don't worry about it sir, you see, I'm not really a nun, I'm just a guy on his way to a costume party...."

 

[RomanSteel]

Cinderella wanted to go to the ball one night, but she didn't have any tampons to use and she was on the rag. Her Fairy Godmother came to the rescue and turned a pumpkin next to Cinderella's house into a tampon. The Godmother says, "Now use the tampon, but be sure to get back home before midnight or it will turn back into a pumpkin, and that wouldn't be good." Cinderella agrees and leaves the house.

Midnight comes along...no Cinderella, 1am, 2am and 3am, still no Cinderella!

Finally, 5am rolls by and Cinderella waltzes through the door and the fairy godmother jumps up. "Where the hell have you been?!?" To which Cinderella replies, "I met this amazing guy, and well, before I knew it, we got into a serious bang session. His name was Peter Peter....."

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Once there were twin brothers by the name of Jones. John Jones was married, and Joe Jones was single. The single brother Joe was the proud owner of a dilapidated row boat. It happened that John Jone's wife died the same day that Joe's rowboat filled with water and sank.

A few days later, a kindly old lady met Joe and mistaken him for John said; "Oh Mr. Jones, I am sorry to hear of your great loss, you must feel terrible".

Joe smiled and said, "Well I am not a bit sorry, she was rather old from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up and she smelled of dead fish. Even the first time I got into her, she made water faster than anything I ever saw. She had a bad crack and a pretty big hole in her front, and that hole got bigger every time I used her. It got so I could barely handle her, but if anyone else used her she leaked like anything. The thing that finished her was four guys from the other side of town. They came down looking for a good time and asked if I could lend her to them. I warned them she wasn't so hot, but they could take a crack at her if they liked. Well, the result was the crazy fools tried to get inside her all at once and it was too much for her. She cracked right up the middle".

Before he could finish the old lady fainted!

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John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates." About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Julie said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

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A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. "What are you doing?" She exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." Later that week, the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" He exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time coming from the den. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing?" She asked. He replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law."