Difficult Times

[Technodivinitas]

My Master's mother called about an hour ago to let him know that his half-brother, (through his estranged father) passed away under very bad circumstances. I'd never met Johnathan, and Master didn't speak of him often, but had been recently trying to arrange a chance to get to see/know him again.

He's gone with his brother and his father's current wife to see his father, and be with that (rather alien to him,) part of the family. I suggested that I stay home & his wife go along, since there was not much room in the car, and his new slave is due here around 5, with no easy way to cancel. Plus, I suck at the whole social thing, let alone under these circumstances. He told me I didn't need to explain myself, and that it was alright, but I can't help feeling that I'm letting him down at a difficult time.

I am trying very hard not to allow myself to feel as if I am conceding that I am somehow less important than the wife, because in so many ways, this has nothing to do with either she or I. And yet I'm certain that she's petty enough to believe that it does, and that this is an example of how their relationship is more valid and relevant. I would not be useful to him in that setting. I would be nervous, and probably more of a burden to him than a boon, and I know that. I also know that she seems to relish drama, and social posturing.

He's taking it very hard though, and it hurts a lot to see him hurt so much, and be able to do nothing more than be what I always am. Spiritually, my views on death are deeply pragmatic, and while I understand others' need to mourn and grieve, I don't share them, nor empathize. I am comfortable with the idea of life and death as two legs of one longer journey. I was comfortable at my mother's passing, and only slightly uncomfortable at my father's, since he and I were somewhat estranged. I wonder now if that makes me seem cold to those who are close to me- I am not indifferent to the passing of others, but I feel that grief doesn't honor the dead, but discomfort them, as well as waste the time of those still living on sorrow that serves little purpose. I hope that when I go, I am well-waked, with much dancing and singing.

Oddly, Master is Native American, and was raised with the beliefs that one's ancestors are all around, present and aware- and yet death, (an all-too frequent element of his world since I've known him,) seems to be an ever-heavier burden on him. And he jokingly calls me a stupid white girl. *L*

I do wish though that I could help him to feel as I do, a wistful, fleeting sadness at a loved one's passing instead of a dark grey misery.

 

[graceanne]

*big hug* I'm sorry to hear about your Masters brother passing, but I'm sorrier to hear that he is in so much pain. I also feel that death is a part of life, but their are those who, even if they think that way, can't bring their hearts to agree.
As to the wife thing, I think that it was very loving of you to suggest that she go with, and not you. You were thinking of him, and not of you, and that's rare in most people.

 

[Technodivinitas]

Kind of you to say so, though I'm not entirely sure that's true. I am uncomfortable around mourning people, and to be surrounded by strangers for whom I am, by social obligation, expected to care for and comfort- it would be awkward, at the very least. I told him that I would go if he wanted me with him- and I think it was more kind of him, to not ask it of me. I do try to be honest with others, and with myself, in evaluating my potential contribution &/or usefulness to a situation, and I did feel that going along when I knew how out of place and unhelpful I'd likely be would have been nothing but a "Look how there for you I am" show. I'm also pretty certain he knew that too.

Thanks for the comforting words though- they are appreciated. I have to say again- at times like this, (even when it was my own parents,) I feel as if not being mournful somehow marks me as socially broken. As if the old mourning requirements of various cultures were still in effect: You will wear a black armband for a close relative, a black dress for a spouse or immediate family member, and you will wear these for a period of not less than six months... It doesn't work for me.

 

[snowy ciara]

For what it's worth, I think you did the right thing. You've said flat out that these things make you uncormfortable, and that you don't feel that you would be of any assistance to his family.

As far as this situation validating his wife's position to the detriment of yours; I have no wisdom to impart. It's beyond my experience.

But I'll be sending good thoughts your way.