different ways of coping with getting ghosted

[glBock]

Let's face it, when one person ghosts another, after an intimate mail exchange has gotten started, that is a terrible experience, with no ifs and buts about it. It's a rejection of me, and nobody likes to feel rejected.

I could feel sorry for myself now and complain; a totally understandable reaction, I believe. Despite the usual talk on this forum, claiming that no man ought to feel entitled to anything, who carries on an intimate conversation with a woman here. To that I reply "bullshit!"; every person who engages in a mail exchange with another person, is indeed entitled to a "good bye" note, when the other person no longer likes to continue. The only reason why it has become acceptable behavior here, to ghost someone, instead of writing such a note, is plain uncivilized behavior on the part of ghosters.

But instead of feeling bad, when I am being ghosted (and I admit it happens to me more often than I like), I can also look at that as a favor the woman is doing me. How can that be?

She sent out a signal when she ghosted me: "CAUTION, glBock. I am an uncivilized woman! If you engage with me any deeper, you must be prepared for my uncivility now and then." And frankly speaking, I rather find out about that now than later. Uncivility is a trait that's hard to bear in anyone, for me at least.

So I can feel relieved instead of feeling sorry. Time to search for a mail exchange with another woman now, one whose inner nature is less self-centered and more civilized.

And, in addition to revealing to me how uncivilized she was, deep down inside of her, when she ghosted me, she revealed something else about herself as well: her lack of understanding, what an outstanding opportunity she was passing up, by not getting to know me better and deeper. Such a lack of understanding on her part might have turned out just as hard to bear later.

So as much as I feel hurt by her rejection of me, I can go to sleep tonight with a happy feeling of having escaped a future I do not deserve: getting involved in a mail relationship with an uncivilized woman, and one who is not terribly bright.
.

 

[Jada59]

Based solely on what you posted here, you seem to have a very inflated sense of yourself.

Just because you had an email exchange doesn't mean that the other person owes you anything, despite you thinking so.

I recently had a man tell me that women would just stop contact with him for no reason at all. This is someone in my RL. Not someone on here. I told him there is always a reason. But he likely wasn't able to see it.

Since I told him that, I have gotten to know him a lot better. He is a wonderful person in many ways but in some ways he looks at the world through rose colored glasses. And he seems to hear what he wants to hear. No doubt those women did try to give him a reason or reasons but he wasn't hearing it.

I have had men in my life that fell hard for me. And on paper, they might seem fine. But in reality, warning bells were telling me to run far and fast! For a variety of reasons. I tried to tell these guys things like... I'm not in love with you. I'm not interested in you in that way. I don't want to get married... Whatever. They didn't hear what I was saying and just kept on persisting and insisting that they would be the right guy for me. Some even went as far as to involve my friends or other people to back them up. That just made it even worse in my mind.

I do believe it is easier to get a feel for someone that you meet in RL. In RL, I can tell from the instant I lay eyes on them if that spark is there or not. And if not, we might be friends. And once we get to know each other better, perhaps even friends with benefits. But... That's as far as it will go.

Online communications can be difficult. Sometimes it can be hard to convey what you really mean. The other person might take something the wrong way because they have no visual cues to go by. Sometimes for me, online communication can take a little longer to see if that spark is there or even any interest. Sometimes there is immediate interest. Other times it can take a bit of an exchange.

But if someone doesn't get back to me? Oh well. That's the Internet. And it's not just here. I have bigger fish to fry. I don't let it bother me. You should probably do the same. Makes no sense to dwell on such stuff.

 

[glBock]

you are entitled to your opinion

Of course you are entitled to your opinion, Jada. In addition you are entitled to write a post here, which has almost nothing to do what I wrote to start with.

Not being able to read and understand what other people are saying, seems to be the unique specialty of many women, who come here; I have gotten used to that by now.
.

 

[hadruprider]

It has happened to me quite a bit as well. Sometimes people just disappear from the site completely. Sometimes they stop talking to me, or stop the srp story in mid-flow. It is always without any explanation. I've never had anyone say a goodbye. I've got used to it now, so I expect it to happen an I am not surprised or upset when it does happen.

It's also worth remembering that genuine women are in a minority here. Just look at the number of replies to personl ads from men compared with women.

 

[Jada59]

Of course you are entitled to your opinion, Jada. In addition you are entitled to write a post here, which has almost nothing to do what I wrote to start with.

Not being able to read and understand what other people are saying, seems to be the unique specialty of many women, who come here; I have gotten used to that by now.
.

I don't think you want to go there. I can read and understand. Bottom line, you are whining despite claiming otherwise. And you seem to love insulting people.

 

[jaF0]

every person who engages in a mail exchange with another person, is indeed entitled to a "good bye" note

To that, I say ....

 

[Jada59]

To that, I say ....

Yep. True dat.

 

[Petulence]

The best way to cope with or avoid being ghosted is to turn off your pm's and not engage anybody off the boards. Problem solved.

 

[greengamegirl]

People who have been ghosted

If someone has not been ghosted, they shouldn’t respond to your post. They would only be talking in theory.

When you are ghosted. You have your last date, conversation, message, or video chat. Except, you don’t know it’s the last time. Then, you never hear from them again. Assuming they are still alive, a person who does this does not care about the person they ghosted.

It is best to stop caring about the person. It would be foolish to care about someone who doesn’t care about you. It’s also a waste of energy. But at the same time, you shouldn’t start to hate people either.

Just know, the individuals who ghost other people lack proper communication skills. You don’t have a good foundation with someone like that. So you haven’t lost anything. That’s enough to help you move on.

In a real relationship, you are going to have problems. You will have to communicate with the other person about these problems. You don’t suddenly stop talking to them or ghost them. Sometimes you will need to have an argument. I would be very cautious if one partner appears to always agree with the other partner. It isn’t real. I wouldn’t be surprised if someone like that suddenly disappeared. Also, if there is an argument, you wouldn’t want to be with a person who would leave the country or disappear.

In any case, when someone does ghost you, they are doing you a favor.

Let's face it, when one person ghosts another, after an intimate mail exchange has gotten started, that is a terrible experience, with no ifs and buts about it. It's a rejection of me, and nobody likes to feel rejected.

I could feel sorry for myself now and complain; a totally understandable reaction, I believe. Despite the usual talk on this forum, claiming that no man ought to feel entitled to anything, who carries on an intimate conversation with a woman here. To that I reply "bullshit!"; every person who engages in a mail exchange with another person, is indeed entitled to a "good bye" note, when the other person no longer likes to continue. The only reason why it has become acceptable behavior here, to ghost someone, instead of writing such a note, is plain uncivilized behavior on the part of ghosters.

But instead of feeling bad, when I am being ghosted (and I admit it happens to me more often than I like), I can also look at that as a favor the woman is doing me. How can that be?

She sent out a signal when she ghosted me: "CAUTION, glBock. I am an uncivilized woman! If you engage with me any deeper, you must be prepared for my uncivility now and then." And frankly speaking, I rather find out about that now than later. Uncivility is a trait that's hard to bear in anyone, for me at least.

So I can feel relieved instead of feeling sorry. Time to search for a mail exchange with another woman now, one whose inner nature is less self-centered and more civilized.

And, in addition to revealing to me how uncivilized she was, deep down inside of her, when she ghosted me, she revealed something else about herself as well: her lack of understanding, what an outstanding opportunity she was passing up, by not getting to know me better and deeper. Such a lack of understanding on her part might have turned out just as hard to bear later.

So as much as I feel hurt by her rejection of me, I can go to sleep tonight with a happy feeling of having escaped a future I do not deserve: getting involved in a mail relationship with an uncivilized woman, and one who is not terribly bright.
.

 

[The_gladiator]

Pardon me while I go get my fiddle....

Now that that's out of the way. This is the internet seriously you should expect to get ghosted it comes with the territory. Believe it or not sometimes it doesn't even have to do with the person. I've lost count of the number of friends and online lovers from here that I have lost contact with because their real life pulled them away, their internet service got cut off, their computer died. You know it was a real connection when 3 years later and they resurface you can pick up where you left off with them because you understand that shit happens. I do agree that if someone just stops responding to you but you can see they're active talking to others that it is anoying but it's still the internet it happens, it also happens in real life believe it or not. How many times have people had friends they thought they were close to in real life and they get a different job or move away and you drift apart. Sometimes you reconnect, sometimes you don't. It's no real reason to get all butthurt on a thread like this because at the end of the day women don't owe you anything. You might prefer common curtacy but it isn't your right. There is no such thing as thought police that enforce etiquette as much as anyone might wish there were. And like many others said if you are bothered by them doing this to you, find someone else to talk to. / end rant.

Disclaimer: You are entitled to your opinion, I'm entitled to my opinion as well, funny how that works.

 

[glBock]

my response to Gladiator

Gladiator, I liked the post above yours better, because greengamegirl understood me. But I'll respond to what you wrote, because your post was fairly intelligent. I am saying that now, relative to the other hecklers here.

Not that I mind hecklers, sometimes a good discussion can develop out of a heckling comment.

First, you should have been able to read out of my post that I am quite familiar with ghosting. And I accept that it happens. My post covered an entirely different aspect of ghosting; perhaps you missed it. Apparently only greengamegirl went to the trouble of actually reading my post, before commenting on it.

My "contribution" to the subject of ghosting, you have not caught at all, I am afraid: it was a sort of "remedy" against this sort of uncivilized behavior. And neither does "the internet" make it any less uncivilized, nor your experiences either.

I started writing something now about how uncivility has moved to Washington by now, but I better refrain from doing that. One more word about "own opinions": of course I do not want to change yours, as you seem to respect mine.
.

 

[THX1138_X]

The delete key is your friend

Ghosting is a part of the online life. Get used to it.
Whatever the reason for it, it is no reflection on me. Maybe there was no connection, you can not connect with everyone. Maybe the other person feels guilty about it. Some life event came up. Whatever it may be, my control is mostly 0.
Rather then focus on the lumps of lead, look for the nuggets of gold.

 

[The_gladiator]

Gladiator, I liked the post above yours better, because greengamegirl understood me. But I'll respond to what you wrote, because your post was fairly intelligent. I am saying that now, relative to the other hecklers here.

Not that I mind hecklers, sometimes a good discussion can develop out of a heckling comment.

First, you should have been able to read out of my post that I am quite familiar with ghosting. And I accept that it happens. My post covered an entirely different aspect of ghosting; perhaps you missed it. Apparently only greengamegirl went to the trouble of actually reading my post, before commenting on it.

My "contribution" to the subject of ghosting, you have not caught at all, I am afraid: it was a sort of "remedy" against this sort of uncivilized behavior. And neither does "the internet" make it any less uncivilized, nor your experiences either.

I started writing something now about how uncivility has moved to Washington by now, but I better refrain from doing that. One more word about "own opinions": of course I do not want to change yours, as you seem to respect mine.
.

In all due respect just because I did not highlight the exact point you made but chose to respond to other aspects of your post or base my post on other factors does not mean that I neither A did not read your post, or B. Did not understand it.

I get it it sucks, unfortunately talking about it here doesn't really make it go away, but maybe that makes me jaded about the world

Thank you for not flying off the handle, my post was written a bit harsher than probably was wise but it is what it is. I do believe etiquette has fallen by the wayside, but I try to be the example I wish to see in others and respond to every PM I receive and even try to interact with most users in threads but I also don't receive 100 PM's a day from horny guys showing me pictures of their junk so it's tough for me to say how I might be as a woman and the hundredth dick pic. I know your post wasn't about people responding to initial messages but ghosting, apparently my post went on a tangent.

I honestly believe you and I share some common beliefs that ghosting sucks, it hurts and you're left confused as to what you might have done, I tried to present another side in that sometimes it doesn't have anything to do with me, as well as overall that it's not going anywhere.

 

[Todger65]

I’ve been ghosted several times by girls from Lit and other places. When it first happened, I thought what the fuck went wrong and went back over text to see if there was anything. Now it’s a case of shit happens, move on. Real life gets in the way sometimes.

Just recently, I was starting out on a new D/s relationship and seemed to be getting along, and then nothing. I just dropped a polite note asking if there was anything wrong. Never heard back, so that finishes that. On to someone or something else.

I’ve also had one girl with whom we had regular contact over at least a year. She suddenly stopped replying. Then over a year later contacted me and explained that serious real life problems hit her. We are still in contact although not quite as often.

I never make a nuisance of myself by continually messaging and asking what happened. Depending on the reasons for the relationship, I will ask once after a short while and then leave it.

Shit happens.

 

[Shortnsweet33]

I feel like there is something here that needs to be addressed.

If you have been in correspondence with someone for quite a while, I can understand that it would hurt to be ghosted on. I do believe at least telling them why and having closure is the kind thing to do.

Additionally, one must remember that this is online. People have lives going on outside of their online lives. Perhaps someone lost a job, was going through family troubles, or had health issues. Sometimes people need to take time away for themselves and that is okay and valid.

My final comment is that, if it has not been frequent chatting or longer term, I don't think there is anything wrong with "ghosting". (Let me explain this before someone misunderstands). I think a lot of the ladies (and gents) on here can relate to getting many random PMs. I don't have the time to reply to everyone, or many are quite lewd and forward (unsolicited images of genitalia, for example). I don't think I'm a bad person for not replying. Sometimes they will repeatedly message me. Now, I do enjoy chatting and if I feel that I might get along with someone and they approach me with some class, I usually will reply and chat for a bit. But one single reply does not guarantee constant communication and sometimes conversations just, well, die out. It happens.

It seems like you're referencing something that was a bit more long term, though. So I understand how that could be upsetting and frustrating, but it does not mean that someone is a terrible person. Give people the benefit of the doubt. Life happens. Personally, I've ended up in the hospital out-of-the-blue and was disconnected from the online world for a while. Things come up. I do think that your tone in replies seems somewhat defensive and attacking, almost. People were simply trying to share other views and thoughts. We all have different opinions and that's fine.

 

[DaddysLilLolly]

I don't think you want to go there. I can read and understand. Bottom line, you are whining despite claiming otherwise. And you seem to love insulting people.

Spot-on.

 

[AveryElle]

In case you haven't realized, OP loves to blame women. Read his other posts. The common thread is that he can't get them. And the common thread is all of THOSE is him. But he can't see it. He'll say women use their "charms" to get what the want. So how can he, as a man wired to react, possibly win?

 

[Shortnsweet33]

In case you haven't realized, OP loves to blame women. Read his other posts. The common thread is that he can't get them. And the common thread is all of THOSE is him. But he can't see it. He'll say women use their "charms" to get what the want. So how can he, as a man wired to react, possibly win?

Yeah... putting down people and saying majority of the women here don't seem to "understand" things is probably not the best approach to get women. I find humility to be quite important and I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way. Let's remember the golden rule, guys. "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

 

[magichanz]

Well Said

I feel like there is something here that needs to be addressed.

If you have been in correspondence with someone for quite a while, I can understand that it would hurt to be ghosted on. I do believe at least telling them why and having closure is the kind thing to do.

Additionally, one must remember that this is online. People have lives going on outside of their online lives. Perhaps someone lost a job, was going through family troubles, or had health issues. Sometimes people need to take time away for themselves and that is okay and valid.

My final comment is that, if it has not been frequent chatting or longer term, I don't think there is anything wrong with "ghosting". (Let me explain this before someone misunderstands). I think a lot of the ladies (and gents) on here can relate to getting many random PMs. I don't have the time to reply to everyone, or many are quite lewd and forward (unsolicited images of genitalia, for example). I don't think I'm a bad person for not replying. Sometimes they will repeatedly message me. Now, I do enjoy chatting and if I feel that I might get along with someone and they approach me with some class, I usually will reply and chat for a bit. But one single reply does not guarantee constant communication and sometimes conversations just, well, die out. It happens.

It seems like you're referencing something that was a bit more long term, though. So I understand how that could be upsetting and frustrating, but it does not mean that someone is a terrible person. Give people the benefit of the doubt. Life happens. Personally, I've ended up in the hospital out-of-the-blue and was disconnected from the online world for a while. Things come up. I do think that your tone in replies seems somewhat defensive and attacking, almost. People were simply trying to share other views and thoughts. We all have different opinions and that's fine.

Well said. I enjoy the friends and encounters I had made on lit and other Cyber sites. Things happens and I am sure there is a good reasons for what people do day in day out. Give everyone a chance, space and smiles a bit. We can all get along so much better.

 

[glBock]

In all due respect just because I did not highlight the exact point you made but chose to respond to other aspects of your post or base my post on other factors does not mean that I neither A did not read your post, or B. Did not understand it.

I get it it sucks, unfortunately talking about it here doesn't really make it go away, but maybe that makes me jaded about the world

Thank you for not flying off the handle, my post was written a bit harsher than probably was wise but it is what it is. I do believe etiquette has fallen by the wayside, but I try to be the example I wish to see in others and respond to every PM I receive and even try to interact with most users in threads but I also don't receive 100 PM's a day from horny guys showing me pictures of their junk so it's tough for me to say how I might be as a woman and the hundredth dick pic. I know your post wasn't about people responding to initial messages but ghosting, apparently my post went on a tangent.

I honestly believe you and I share some common beliefs that ghosting sucks, it hurts and you're left confused as to what you might have done, I tried to present another side in that sometimes it doesn't have anything to do with me, as well as overall that it's not going anywhere.

Gladiator, I respond to you again, because you are one of the few people posting comments here, who has actually read my post, and you tried to understand, what I was saying.

The only problem is, so far you failed to understand, however much you may have tried. And it did not help, when I told you in my first reply, that I had NOT written my post to complain. On the contrary, I put on the table a constructive suggestion, as to how a ghosted person can deal with what happened. Greengamegirl then went a step further and put additional reasons on the table, why one can consider a woman ghosting me, as actually having done me a favor.

You misunderstood me regarding the main point I was making, that is all.

The ONLY point you and I do not agree: I consider ghosting highly uncivilized behavior (some, but very few people seem to agree with me), but you do not. You consider it "normal" for Lit.

Even there, you and I almost agree, I admit ghosting is being recognized by all to occur frequently, myself included. I am NOT lamenting it. But my position: just because it occurs frequently, does not make it right and acceptable to me.

It's a bit like the war in Vietnam 1965-75: it had become "normal" that Americans were killing S.E. Asian people right and left, and hardly anybody dared to call all that genocide, but in many ways it was.

OK, so I call ghosting uncivilized and you do not.

For the main point I made in my post – how I deal with it – even that is irrelevant; it does not matter what I call it, what matters is how I reported I deal with it.

I am sure, gladiator, you can understand that now, do you?

 

[spicysaffron]

Wow... I come back to this forum after 10 years of absence and this is the first thread I contribute to. Kinda hit the spot because I might have been guilty in ghosting some people back then when I left the forum.

Or not. Because honestly I don't remember.

The reason why I did the ghosting, or why I didn't remember any of that was because, like a lot of people here have said, real life got a little bot more interesting than this forum. If I remember correctly, it was because I started seeing someone and I wanted to do the right thing by not hanging out at erotic forum too much. You have said that it was inconsiderate, I agree and I am guilty as charged.

Now to answer your question about how to cope with the situation, I can only offer this cliche advice. Don't think too much, don't expect too much from people you meet online. People don't use their real name here because this might be their safe space, their rebound space or their I'm bored and have nothing better to do space. But this is not their real life.

Again, it's cliche, but when you have that credo, it'll be better to cope with the ghosting.

Good luck

 

[The_gladiator]

Gladiator, I respond to you again, because you are one of the few people posting comments here, who has actually read my post, and you tried to understand, what I was saying.

The only problem is, so far you failed to understand, however much you may have tried. And it did not help, when I told you in my first reply, that I had NOT written my post to complain. On the contrary, I put on the table a constructive suggestion, as to how a ghosted person can deal with what happened. Greengamegirl then went a step further and put additional reasons on the table, why one can consider a woman ghosting me, as actually having done me a favor.

You misunderstood me regarding the main point I was making, that is all.

The ONLY point you and I do not agree: I consider ghosting highly uncivilized behavior (some, but very few people seem to agree with me), but you do not. You consider it "normal" for Lit.

Even there, you and I almost agree, I admit ghosting is being recognized by all to occur frequently, myself included. I am NOT lamenting it. But my position: just because it occurs frequently, does not make it right and acceptable to me.

It's a bit like the war in Vietnam 1965-75: it had become "normal" that Americans were killing S.E. Asian people right and left, and hardly anybody dared to call all that genocide, but in many ways it was.

OK, so I call ghosting uncivilized and you do not.

For the main point I made in my post – how I deal with it – even that is irrelevant; it does not matter what I call it, what matters is how I reported I deal with it.

I am sure, gladiator, you can understand that now, do you?

For someone who harps on reading carefully and remarks on my missing the point of your post I feel that you are just as guilty of it.

I by no means think ghosting is acceptable. Acceptance of something does not imply approval of it. That might be a minor point but it is enough of a point to demonstrate that you have missed my point as clearly as you say that I have missed yours.

I have read your post so help me understand how are you proposing one deals with it? By making a thread on the forums to "complain" about it. I put in quotes because I am not sure you were complaining exactly but don't really know what else to call it.

I can agree with you all day long that ghosting may be at times uncivilized that doesn't make it go away. There in is what you missed about my post. Yeah I think it is rude, I just had to pull up my pants and slog through the shit of it. My thought is if people can't really deal with the realities that is internet connection they may need to stick to real life interaction but there it happens also. I haven't spoken to my best man in my wedding for a month and a half, real life got in the way, we have both been going through things, and if I call him tonight he isn't going to be upset with me for not calling, he will be glad to hear from me and understand that shit happens.

P.S. one does not have to understand and or agree with your original post to make a point of their own.

 

[Jada59]

In case you haven't realized, OP loves to blame women. Read his other posts. The common thread is that he can't get them. And the common thread is all of THOSE is him. But he can't see it. He'll say women use their "charms" to get what the want. So how can he, as a man wired to react, possibly win?

I have noticed.

 

[txgent101]

Anonymity

Let's face it, when one person ghosts another, after an intimate mail exchange has gotten started, that is a terrible experience, with no ifs and buts about it. It's a rejection of me, and nobody likes to feel rejected.
.
.
....
.

This conversation is similar to another one recently posted:
http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=1472507

Thinking about both situations: One over-riding feature of Lit and the internet is anonymity. Faceless, voiceless interchanges. Also a 'no obligation' ethos. Kind of like 'internet friends with benefits'; no actual 'relationship' in the conventional sense.

NSA, which in this case means NCSA: 'no cyber strings attached'. It feels like there is an unwritten agreement that anyone is free to terminate the NCSA interchange with no notice or reason. Personally, I think that is a bit rude, but I have actually found myself doing that once or twice; just stopped responding. The ultimate is to put the other person on 'Ignore', but that is for extreme situations (for me anyway). But, when ghosted, I make one or two efforts to inquire, then drop it. Sanity.

Ok, with all that wisdom and about $1.50 you can buy a soda at a drink machine.

Please excuse my use of inverted commas, just my way of expression.

 

[pvt_addiction]

In the words on Ron Burgundy, “Well, that escalated quickly.”