Different presentation of standard sexual themes

[backwoods692000]

I am new to this site and have posted my first story. First I'd like to thank the volunteer editors. That really helped my story. Second I'm interested in what people think of the format I use in my stories. Please read "Tale of the Tower" in erotic couplings and let me know what you think.

Thanks,

Backwoods692000

 

[damppanties]

ze link

Hi,

You'll need to post a link if you want responses about your story. Not many people would search for it. Here's the link:

backwoods692000's story: Tale of the Tower.

 

[damppanties]

Another second person story!

The problem I have with second person stories is that they seem to be very limiting. The narrator can’t know what ‘you’ is thinking. There are some instances in your story when you do that.

You continued up the trail, your thoughts drifting back to our conversation, wondering if I was just being friendly or was I more interested than that.
You could tell there were four men and a couple of women.
Maybe I should go up to the tower then. No telling what might happen, you thought to yourself. (The 'I' here is actually the female character. It isn't in quotes so you should have referred to her as 'you'.)
They must have gotten these bunks from army surplus, you thought.

How would ‘I’ know what ‘you’ is thinking?


"Thanks. I really didn't plan to be out this late." You replied.

Your dialogue needs to have a comma at the end of a sentence and a smaller case letter for the tag. If you’re doing the period and uppercase for some effect then I think its overdone.


Our breath looked like little wisps of smoke as the evening breeze toyed with it.

Lovely sentence. You do the nature descriptions very well.


Typo: stoked my cheek needs to be 'stroked my cheek'.

Typo #2: A little shiver coursed through body - 'my' body.

Tense thingie: I continue to run my fingers - 'I continued...'

Same here: My fingers continue up and ran across your bra strap.


It felt like you were on fire.

Felt to whom? You or her? If it's her feeling, how do you know?


Tense: You slowly lower your trembling body to the floor. - 'lowered'.

In the part after the lady orgasms, you have 6 one-line sentences. They'd look better as a single paragraph. There's no real reason to separate them. As I read further, other parts of your sex scenes are separated too. Is that conscious?

Tense: You sit up as you removed my shirt - 'sat'. There is a lot of problem with your tense. I'm not mentioning it again even if I continue to find errors regarding this.


I felt like it started in my toes, as I pulled your hips down hard against me.

Absolutely loved this!


Ok, I'm done. It's a good story but needs to be worked on. I loved the way you started the story and liked the way you ended it too.

Happy writing!