Didn't know strength could hurt like this..

[Endlessly]

Hey, I've just got a smallish announcement most of you probably won't care about.. *chuckle* Yesterday, I did something I've known I need to do since October.. I broke off the romantic part of my relationship with Himself.

Why? I don't think some of you have been around during the low spots I've had with him, but basically, I was too emotionally involved with a guy who cared amazing amounts for me as a friend, but basically lusted after my body. I wasn't getting what I longed for out of the relationship, and to be honest, I know I'll never get what I want or need from him.. Which is why I told him the non-exclusive relationship thing just isn't working for me. It's been driving me insane-- I've been having self-worth problems, wondering why I'm not good enough, getting horribly jealous.

Everyone is proud of me. ESPECIALLY him.. He's so happy that I've taken this step towards self-respect, I've needed it for too long now.

Personally, I'm more miserable than I've been in a long time. I keep thinking, however irrationally, that I've made a huge mistake.. But I'll heal. I just feel stupid grieving for something that wasn't even there in the first place.

In short.. I'm back in circluation, not that I was ever OUT of circluation technically, but I put myself in that position.. And no, I don't regret losing my virginity to him even now, because he's one of my best friends in the world.

Oh, and sammyjo? We've discussed our similar situations with our Masters.. I'm now officially challenging you to do the same. (And you can't use the usual excuses for staying with him to me, I've been using the same ones.

)

 

[Laurel]

Woo hoo! Congrats, Endlessly! That's a tough step. I don't think there's a girl or guy out there that hasn't been in that position, and it's hard to break off a relationship with someone you feel for even when that relationship hurts you. Just goes to prove what I've felt all along - you're one smart, tough mamma!

 

[Hecate]

Good on ya, Endlessly ! *s* (I just posted something along that line on the "turn on" thread before reading here)

Been there - done that .. trust me! You did the right thing. *biting lips and wishing she'd take her own advise*

 

[Katie]

Bravo, Endlessly.
I know you're feeling low right now (I've been there) but keep your head up, girl. Just remember that you deserve more...and don't stop looking until you find it. Never settle.
Best of luck to you.

 

[Whispersecret]

Don't settle. Don't settle. Don't settle. I did, and I regret it every day. Believe in yourself. You are a wonderful person and you deserve a wonderful person that you share interests with and who makes you laugh. Be strong and believe. If you give in and settle for less, you will spend your life wondering what would have happened if you'd waited for the person you really wanted.

 

[John1965]

Congratulations Endlessly. That is very difficult and I had to do it myself just not long ago. Wasn't the first time and might not be the last but you give things a try and if it doesn't work....Move On! As my favorite quote states "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger".

 

[Fallen Angel]

Wahoo!

With Endlessly free it is time to take a trip to the cold country. Luckily most of the guys are tapped out with the bidding war. Thank goodness I didn't get into that so I still have a little gas money. Damn DCL has the advantage of living closer to her than me so I'll just have to drive faster.

Nurse send the big boy Zeke back pronto, he is my traveling companion and helps keep me awake.

Let's see, purple western shirt, stop in New Mexico and get a purple cowboy hat, oh yeah purple collar for Zeke, and stop at florist just before the US border for a dozen purple roses.

Well I guess I'm all set except to wait for Zeke to get home. Oh wait I better see if I can find that old set of tire chains.

Oh oh if I know that sneaky Dixon he has already started for the Canadian border.

Hey girl everyone gets their heart broke and it will heal if YOU let it.

 

[Arkane]

Endlessly
That was a strong thing to do and I wish you luck.....I know that it can be painful and I wish that there was something that I could say to alleviate some of it, but unfortunately I can't. From what I have read, though, there are several people that are here in this board on this topic that care about you and are willing to help.....I too will can listen (or read) if you need a shoulder or an ear....Be at peace and know that the fates work in strange ways and there is a reason for everything. It may not reveal itself to you but it will and it is for the best.

Arkane

 

[Endlessly]

Awww.. *sniffles and smiles* I want to hug everyone on the BB right now.

The thing that made this rough is that he IS everything I want, he just doesn't want to give me the relationship I want to go along with that.. And I finally gave up.

I guess it's a sign that I was in too deep when even the guy I broke up with was proud of me.. *smirk*

*laughing* Yeah! I'm free now! Party in my dorm room-- It's a bit small though, so everyone'll have to be nice and friendly to fit in! Check the clothes at the door.

Incidentally, Fallen, I don't live in Canada (though I wish I did! Canada KICKS ASS!), I live in Montana.. But it's close enough for government work.

 

[Bossy Aussie]

Aw, Endlessly, Honey...you did the right thing. Don't forget that, and eventually things'll get better for ya! Poor lass.

Bossy

 

[Evenflow]

endlessly... I don't know if he really is everything you would want... because as they say, 'love is blind' ... so the feelings you may have for him may be blocking out all the things about him that would make him NOT everything you want.

Isn't it funny when you are in love, infatuated, or in lust with someone and you are absoulutely certain that that person is the perfect match for you?? Then a few months later you are wondering if maybe someone had been slippin you some (insert desired opiate here) every morning? With time, feelings fade, and new loves will arrive... and yes,eventually one of those will give you the relationship you want and deserve.

Anyway, it's good to see you had the 'strenght' to do what you did... I sure as hell wasn't that strong. =| ... oh yeah, Canada DOES kick ass!! =)

 

[Endlessly]

*gulping* Hey, everyone.

I talked with Himself earlier tonight about him joining the service.. Asked him where he wanted to be stationed.. He said Florida. I asked why.

His reply: "I gotta go see about a girl."

It seems that, now that we have this platonic 'understanding,' he's comfortable telling me that he's been in love with this girl that he met when he was living in Europe for years now, and he wants a chance with her.. He wants to marry her, actually, but doubts it will happen due to severe religious differences.

I.. I don't know what to say right now, actually. I don't know if I have the air to say anything after a sucker-punch like that.

 

[Patryn]

Hey, Endlessly, I know what you're going through right now, probably more than you'd know, and more than I'd like to say in public, and I really don't want to sound insensitive, but I think you've been used. I don't know all the circumstances, I'll admit that...hey, if you want to, feel free to drop me an e-mail. patryn@literotica.org

Hang in there, I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but you'll be OK.

 

[Hecate]

*hugs Endlessly* as I said - been there, done that*sighs* Mail me if you need to vent - it helped me while back when ...

I don't like to drop into the well used sayings but .. it only can get better at some stage so that is something to be looking forward to.

 

[BeautyBabe]

Endlessly, isn't it funny how one small phrase can hurt more than any amount of blows? Something an ex-boyfriend said to me about a so-called friend he was seeing behind my back left me reeling worse than if he'd slapped me!

Just take care of yourself, and remember, you'll end up stronger when you come out the other side. I know I did!

xxx

 

[Katie]

Endlessly...*hug*

 

[Beebeeblue]

******HUGS*******

Let me tell you a story hon. Once upon a time ago, I left a man that was only interested in mind-fucking after all. We had been together for 3 yrs off and on. When I moved out, I started seeing a guy that I had been friends with for longer than I remember. One day, I call him, to make arrangements for the weekend. You see, we were going out of town, and I was making sure everything was finalized. He tells me he cant see me that weekend because..and hold your hat on honey....he was getting married. We had finally gotten together and was able to make it work after so long. And hell yes...it hurt. I lost it. I informed him it wouldnt work (and it didnt after 3 months) and quickly hung up the phone.

Whats the point?? I went on. When he did call me again, crying , I was in a relationship so it was my turn to tell him no. We stay friends now. Chat occasionally.

Its hard. But life goes on. It hurts. And wounds heal. Hard to hear right now I know.
And Im here if you need me.

 

[Sammyjo]

Endlessly, I've been sort of holding my comments, so to speak, until I found the right time. I don't even know if this is the right time, because I'm exposing an open wound here in public.

My Master doesn't love me, not in the "let's get married, and live happily ever after" type of love. I know he loves me, because he looks out for me, he asks my opinions, he trusts my judgement, and more...I'm sure all the things that Himself does for you. It was hard to accept for a while that he didn't want to devote his whole life to me, and on some level, I will always hope that he will change his mind...on the other hand...if he did, our relationship would be totally different. I have promised to serve him forever, and I intend to uphold that promise. What does that mean if I meet someone who WILL be my life-partner? He will just have to accept that aspect of my life. If he can't, he's not right for me. I know I'm limiting my choices here, but that's my problem. What happens if I decide to terminate our agreement? He has given me more than one opportunity to do just that. He says that he will understand if it comes to that point.

I seem to be much happier now that I'm not trying to get this guy to LOVE me. I am now free to find something special with someone else. It's like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

Some of you understand exactly what I'm saying. Some of you are probably thinking "What???"

I know I've made the right choice for me. It's not the choice everyone would make, but I am happy with it.

Endlessly? are you ever online? I don't see you anymore....

 

[Skitten]

Good going endlessly we are all proud of you.
You deserve someone who be with you in al the ways you need. So keep your head up you will find someone else. I know you are hurting right now, but it won't last forever.
Try and be strong you will get through this, never settle you are to good for that.

 

[Hullo_nurse]

Endlessly--

**HUGS** **KISSES** **MORE KISSES** **MORE KISSES...**

(oops, did I just overstep my bounds?)

Seriously, girl, I am soooooo proud of you!! I know it hurts like a fuckin bitch, but you will get over your broken heart.

You were able to get from your relationship what you needed at the time, which was to have your cherry popped. Yes, he got the benefit of being "the one" and probably got some enjoyment out of it too; but know that you, too, got what you needed at that moment.

Things happen for a reason, always, even if we do not understand them at the present time. You will meet your prince charming one day, until then, live life up! Enjoy being a young co-ed and do all those co-ed things you want to do (insert devilish laughter here and a wicked naughty grin).

I am here for you always, and you can write me day or night to say whatever you need to get off your mind & I will listen attentitively and not judge...

Love ya, girl!! (kiss kiss)

 

[Chemistry Anne]

Love is strange. Didn't somebody once write a song like that? sammyjo says her Master doesn't love her. That's terrible. My Master loves me more than life, I'm sure, and I love him and am his forever. But, as I said, love is strange. Some things seem to be forever, but nobody has been around that long, so who knows. I cannot see not being owned by my Master. Love is strange. Or so goes a song my Master sings

Chemistry Anne

 

[Sammyjo]

I said he doesn't love me in a marital sense. I KNOW he loves me, he tells me, and he shows me. I could never be married to him, for reasons that are personal. And that is fine by me, because if we did get married, it wouldn't work out. I have loved men before, and we haven't gotten anywhere near marriage...that is life, it's called dating and forming an emotional bond with one another. I choose to serve my Master without the "marital love" attached to the relationship. He is very loving, very caring...just as I am to him.

This sort of relationship may be confusing to some people, but I will try to clarify. MOST slave/Master couples are NOT married to each other. They are in it for the sexual/emotional gratification they receive from serving/being served. Something they do not get from their marriage or other relationships. And although it is a "full-time" job, they aren't together 24/7 (this may or may not be true, because some slaves actually become THAT important to the Master that they move in and become a permanent fixture, but NOT a "girlfriend/wife"). Some people can make a marriage or serious relationship work full-time as slave/Master. Most people can't do that. I am not just assuming here...I know quite a few couples that are involved with each other in the slave/Master sense, but not IN LOVE with each other. They love and respect each other, or the relationship wouldn't work, but they aren't going to run off and get married to keep the bond forever, they just know it will be forever. The only thing I would change is that we don't see each other enough. But the distance and the time between visits makes us cherish our relationship even more. The time we do spend together is something that I will never want to give up.

So I will end saying: Chemistry Anne, you either didn't read what I wrote, didn't interpret it correctly, or I didn't give you a proper explanation. Nothing about my relationship is terrible. As I stated, I am perfectly happy. We have a genuine love and respect for each other. This is enough for me.

 

[Chemistry Anne]

Love, as my Master says, is strange.

I can't marry my Master for various reasons, too. But I know we will be together forever. I'm not just a small girl hoping that. . .

I know that some kind of love has to be in a Master/slave relationship (hell, any relationship -if not, why?) for the saftey of all concerned.

Losing someone you thought was important, as endlessly has, is one of the worse things that can happen to one. I know that I am lucky to have what I have with someone who understands me as noone has in my life.

It is just that I cannot imagine any relationship without me (the stress is on me) being totally committed to Him in every way I possibly can. Thus I cannot imgine anyone having a relatiosnship that does not invlove such a total comiment.

I don't know what marriage has to do with anything. it is a religious bond of a type i shy away from. My bond with my Master is much deeper and thus, in mine eyes, better.

Chemi

 

[Moridin]

Endlessly,

I do not know you... but reading makes me wish I did. <smile> It seems we all spend our lives chasing something or another. Most of us seek only to find someone who loves and understands us... who'd think a simply thing would be so complex?

Everything I and everyone else says won't change how you feel. Only time and your own self will take care of that. But from what I can see you have a whole lot of people that do care how you feel. (Myself included I suppose

) And there is some comfort in that.

The only advice I can offer is this. 1.) Don't stop remembering the reasons that you are a wonderful person. (Hey! You must be with all these supporting people ;*)
2.) Don't forget to be happy. It's not hard to do, but easy to forget to do. Sometimes we punish ourselves with misery because we think we deserve it, and that's not right. Take time and do some things you love. Painting, writing, reading... a good cup of coffee. <grin> Whatever it is, do it and forget about anything that's bothering you for a time.

If there was anything I could do I would. If there is anything I can... say, and I'll try.

- David

 

[John1965]

Well dear, here is the obvious truth. Guys can do some real shitty things sometimes. Youth makes it even worse. When I was younger I did some things that bother me to this day. Simple fact is you are a real sweet and intelligent girl. Let the sting wear off, learn from the experience and look forward to the next chapter of life.