Did you enjoy?

[phoneguy]

Hello,

I have just completed my 2nd story and am dying to know what you think. I would be happy to do the same for any authors out there.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=169234

Thanks

 

[Mark James]

Hi PhoneGuy:

I read your story just now, and here's what I thought.

This is intended to be constructive feed back, not a "critique".

I liked the idea of the woman becoming frustrated and deciding to take matters into her own hands. That was a good premise.

I think the idea of placing a time limit on it (the business meeting) deprived you of being able to show the reader how her boyfriend (obviously intended to be an arrogant pig, right?) descends into his new role as "slave" and "servant" to his girlfriend. I find that in stories like this, seeing the character being "punished" and watching him/her descend from arrogance to complete and total servitude, is as enjoyable as the sex itself.

I would have liked to see him take a little longer to become her willing slave, like maybe a couple of hours, with her teasing him and making him beg to lick her tits or maybe see her press herself against his hard cock through his pants and make him beg for a kiss, while she taunts him with how selfish he's been in not satisfying her.

Other than that, I thought it was an enjoyable read and a hot fantasy idea.

A piece of advice, if you don't mind? Don't be in a hurry to "get to it". Trust your readers to let you take them where you're going. If you trust your readers, they'll reward you with patience and in the end the reader's reward will be a hot read that leaves them thinking.

Mark