destruction of trust

[subgirllily]

Im a newbie so be gentle...

I am a submissive woman who has been with her Dominant for about a year. In the past week I did something terrible. I am embarassed to even write about it but here it is...I posed as someone else to see if my Dominant would respond. I won't make excuses for my behavior except to say within a few minutes of the original email I confessed what I had done.

Needless to say it caused a breakdown of his trust in me, rightly and deservedly so. I know what I did was childish, and beneath me, and I am working to correct the flaws that led me to this point but what I am looking for is-is there anyone here that has done something similar, in some way broken trust with your dominant how has it effected your relationship, were there things that you did to help build trust back?

Any words on healing such a rift, or just to hear the stories of anyone going through a similar experience would be greatly appreciated, whether public or privately related.

thanks for listening,

lil

 

[Netzach]

He responded .... I'm assuming with no assumption or discussion about being poly or having an open rel....and you are the one at fault?

I don't think you need to be worrying about how to make amends, I think you need to be wondering if you don't have the stomach to read the writing on the wall.

 

[snowy ciara]

I'm with Netzach. What you did was a bit heinous, but you came clean, apologized and are working on it. So you need to ask yourself why you did it. It sounds as if he's said something or behaved in a way that makes you feel he might not be faithful. If you've negotiated a monogamous situation and he's not going to abide by it, then you need to discuss it with him. I know that if my Domme were going behind my back in this manner, it would make me not trust her as much, and with some of the things we get up to, there isn't a lot of wiggle room, trust wise. It seems like you're so worried about destroying his trust in you so you aren't seeing that his behavior is also untrustworthy.

 

[subgirllily]

Thank you for your responses...I should be clear here though, he did absolutely nothing to make me suspicious of his actions, other than not respond in as quick of time as I would have liked to my email. I had a panic attack of sorts and did the first stupid thing that came to my mind.

He did respond to the fake email but only to ask how his name had been found.

 

[Chicklet]

I think that the only thing you can do is apologize sincerely, not make too many comments about the event unless *he* brings it up, and as for the trust? You have to rebuild it from scratch.

 

[~His Kitten~]

I did that once. Not with my current but before. I had strong evidence he was cheating. So I created an email account. He did as I thought he would. I never told him until long after the fact.

I suspect that if I did this with my D he'd be a bit hurt but would get over it. He'd tried to understand why I felt I had to and fix things so it doesn't happen again.

I am sorry about what has happened to you. If he cares for you he'll forgive you and you'll grow closer.

What would happen if he did it to you I wonder?

 

[subgirllily]

thanks...

Thanks Chicklet and His Kitten...

I have apologized and Im working on ways to control my anxiety. He told me today that he is no longer angry, just disapointed. It has changed our relationship but He believes it will eventually make us stronger.

I think he just wanted me to talk to other submissives that might have gone through something similar, in part to see that I am not alone, and in part to see how others got through.

I think if he had done it to me I would have been surprised-shocked because he is always in such control. I would have been perhaps a little hurt, but I also understand insecurity very well so it would be hard for me to stay upset.

 

[~His Kitten~]

I think if he had done it to me I would have been surprised-shocked because he is always in such control. I would have been perhaps a little hurt, but I also understand insecurity very well so it would be hard for me to stay upset.

Exactly.

Soon this will only be an embarrasing memory.

 

[FurryFury]

You know, there is insecurity and there is also trying to check things out, in order to protect yourself. I'm not sure if what you did was wrong at all.

I suspect you are beating yourself up when you shouldn't be.

 

[BlowjobQueen]

You had a weak moment, we all do. It's part of being a human, we have faults. It sounds like your Dom is getting over it and you should too. Dwelling is only going to make things worse for you.

 

[WriterDom]

Are either of you married?

 

[Adakgirl]

Thank you for your responses...I should be clear here though, he did absolutely nothing to make me suspicious of his actions,

other than not respond in as quick of time as I would have liked to my email.

I had a panic attack of sorts and did the first stupid thing that came to my mind.

He did respond to the fake email but only to ask how his name had been found.

And how long was that?

 

[subgirllily]

yes

To Answer your question WriterDom, yes we are both married to others and have a relationship that is time limited but spent both on line and in person as we live in the same city.

The time that passed was only unreasonable in my mind that day, it was only a few hours-

has anyone else been through something like this? How did you rebuild your relationship?

 

[Netzach]

I think anyone who's been in any relationship has been through something like this.

I think I'd be thinking through what is and is not a reasonable expectation in an extracurricular relationship - and figure out what you need from him to feel stabilized and OK when you part till the next time and if he's capable of giving you that and if he thinks it's reasonable and do-able. I don't think you can simply transfer all expectations from a conventional relationship to an unconventional one and be happy with it - you either have other expectations and rules or you will always be fretting and there's no point. You freaked out because you felt needy and abandoned and jolted by the sudden parting - the only way around that is accepting that as what IS and adapting or rejecting it all wholesale.

You have a pet tiger now, in the world of relationships. It may take your face off someday with its claws, that's the risk you either accept or you go get yourself something a little more reliable.

An affair in which I don't always get what I want has done quantuum things for my emotional maturity and the willingness to lie in the bed I made and not wish it were some other bed, that's the upside, whatever the morality police will tell you.

 

[BiaTcHiNFiRe]

To Answer your question WriterDom, yes we are both married to others and have a relationship that is time limited but spent both on line and in person as we live in the same city.

The time that passed was only unreasonable in my mind that day, it was only a few hours-

has anyone else been through something like this? How did you rebuild your relationship?

My Dom surely had a hard time to get my trust. I still have a weak whiles when I need him to assure me we are okay... I deffo have a prob trust people and yes it suck. My Dom have some holy patience with me on this matter and yes I have dissapoint him by not trusting him as I should as well.

It was hard, but we worked it out. He have forgive me and I've learn to trust him more. I am kind of person who doubt anything and anyone sometimes :/

 

[Marquis]

Funny, I just did something like this the other day. The email I wrote was creepy and stalkerish though, and my sub reported it immediately, which made me happy. I thought I might be able to pull her in with the intrigue of it all.

What I will tell you though was that it was fun, kinda exciting in that naughty sorta way but definitely not an event that either of us saw as an indication of trust problems. Then again, I'm all about going through her browser history, her purse, her cell phone calls, her email, her snail mail, surprise drop-ins at work, interrogations, humiliating body inspections etc.

It's all part of my charm and well within the defined parameters of our relationship. We're on some somewhat classical paranoia = caring, anger/violence = caring, rub the bruises and swoon type shit. This is all good and fun shit, seriously.

She plays the game well, on her end. Sly, a little sneaky, all the while blushing and swearing to be the paragon of innocence and naivete, a shadow of a sliver of an impish grin flashing across her perky lips every so often to keep the game alive.

But I digress.

There seem to be a lot of details missing here, but to answer your question, yes, my sub has betrayed my trust as well. Not on some fun game shit but on some serious "what the fuck?" shit and it has really fucked us up as a couple. You asked how it has affected our relationship and I'll tell you.

It slows everything down, fucks everything up. The fun little game I was just talking about so fondly? It shuts down. Not fair, I don't want to play anymore.

So what happens? Shit sucks for a while. There's a lot of cold shoulders and a lot of not talking and not fucking when there could be great conversation and great sex. Eventually I'm forced into the unfair position of having to choose to trust her out of nothing but pure love because if I don't our relationship has no shot anyway.

We talk about it. I want to understand her reasons. We don't stop talking until we're satisfied. Satisfied that we have a bilateral understanding of why this happened, and why it won't happen again. Neither in your situation nor in mine is the trust broken maliciously, so the initial anger fades. What you need to think about is why this happened in the first place and address that.

In between then and now, just take your lumps like a big girl.

 

[shy slave]

I have had this level of anxiety.

I dealt with in in a slightly different way, but I am not proud of my actions. Not proud at all.

I made a new persona on a site we had met on and waited to see if he would contact me.

It was a stupid idea and the profile had nothing in it that he would want (or I thought he would want).

He did not contact me, but other people did. People who really are the dregs of BDSM.

I was so upset I told him.

I tried to win back his trust but four months later he ended it.

I can see now my anxiety stemmed from a need to have more than he could give at that time.

My anxiety and actions contributed to the ending of the relationship, but I am not prepared to take sole responsibility for the end, or my anxiety.

At the beginning of the relationship I was not anxious or worried, his behaviour was a part of what fuelled my desperation to have his attention and re-assurance. The less I got the more anxious I became.

I am not sure this post will help your fears, but please don't be hard on yourself.
He answered your mail.
That needs explaining and understanding.

Please don't allow your need for him, and need to please him, to cloud your judgement on why you did as you did.

I am not suggesting abdication of responsibility for what you did, after all you set the path in motion; but don't forget your reasons for doing it.

 

[MasterPhoenix]

If both of you are willing to move on from it, trust can be rebuilt but it is something that takes time and effort from both parties.

Rose & I have been together for four plus years, and there have been a few hurts along the way as with any relationship, but we have always found a way to pull together to move beyond them because we love each other too much to let go.

My advice is to let it go, and don't beat yourself up for it, or else it will just fester even if he is perfectly willing to let it go.

 

[subgirllily]

Thank you

I just wanted to thank you all for your responses. I dont have any friends that are interested in this type of relationship so it is hard to find good advice and a willing ear. Special thanks to shy slave and Master Phoenix your messages were encouraging and helpful, I appreciate your taking the time to share your thoughts with me.

lil