Destroy My Second Story.

[Squisheh]

Haha, well, don't fully destroy it! Just a little or some... What I mean is... Please give all the honest feedback you can. I uploaded the story and it got a 3.8 rating. I'm wondering what's wrong with it. Please point out all the problems you see, and give helpful tips and advice. Thanks!

https://literotica.com/s/store-owners-revenge

 

[tomlitilia]

Haha, well, don't fully destroy it! Just a little or some... What I mean is... Please give all the honest feedback you can. I uploaded the story and it got a 3.8 rating. I'm wondering what's wrong with it. Please point out all the problems you see, and give helpful tips and advice. Thanks!

https://literotica.com/s/store-owners-revenge

Sorry if I'm more brutally honest than you want, but you frankly have some major technical issues, one of which is grammar. I read about the first ten paragraphs or so, and it wasn't at all clear to me what was going on. It doesn't help that you keep switching tense. And who am "I" who apparently knows thing through my eyes? Who is saying "Nolan you-!" and who the fuck is Nolan?

Advice 1. Many sentences (e.g. "She acts like a little virgin who can't fit a big dildo, only to make her little dreamers get more hard") appear to have been translated from another language using e.g. Google translate. If so, don't attempt this. It just doesn't work.

Advice 2. Maybe it's worth stepping back from your story and ask yourself if you would understand what you're trying to convey if you didn't already have a vision of what's going on in your head?

 

[yukonnights]

There are some noticeable technical problems with the writing. Please don't take this next comment wrong; It seems like English may not be your native language. Even if it is, I think your stories would benefit from having someone proofread them prior to publication.

The second thing that may be impacting the story down is the Category choice. The majority of the story is a Non-Consent/Reluctance theme. A third issue could the repeated emphasis on the dido as a cock, the exaggeration of the size of that "cock" — and it begins to read like a Lesbian story written by a man. You almost brought it back the end with some attraction shared between the two women involved. Now, if you wrote a followup to this one where the two women can't get the other one out of their heads

That said, I did not have any problem following the story. The missed words are a distraction, but not crippling. I encourage you to keep at it and try to improve/learn from each story you write. And remember; On a 5 point scale, a rating of 2.5 is an average story. You're right a 4, so it's not being trashed by those who do read it.

 

[tomlitilia]

. And remember; On a 5 point scale, a rating of 2.5 is an average story.

A bit OT, but since you can't vote 0, the average is 3 under the assumption that voters pick with the same frequency all possible scores (or at least symmetrically around 3) aross all stories.

 

[yukonnights]

A bit OT, but since you can't vote 0, the average is 3 under the assumption that voters pick with the same frequency all possible scores (or at least symmetrically around 3) aross all stories.

You're absolutely correct. I've been thinking 2.5 forever - duh

 

[jessIncognito]

what I got

I'm just gonna be straight (since you asked for it). If you don't like that -- please stop reading here.

It was hard to follow at the beginning. Not sure what the dart board section was all about.

I guess Nolan was his security guard? Made sense after a bit.

The flashback to the cam girl scene was weird. Confused me a little bit at first, then I realized it was a flash back.

So she's a cam girl, and her fans are gonna be upset that she is a thief? Not sure how many cam girl fans expect their porn stars to have high moral values.

Then the shop owner asks her to play with sex toys and she can keep them if she doesn't cum. There's definitely a kink for that. I think there'll be people who would find that part hot.

Overall, the writing isn't too bad. It's just didn't do anything for me, but you should keep writing. You'll get better.