Destoyer (WIP?)

[MamaSarah]

Dearest fellow poets,

I have never been formally trained in composing poetic prose, but I have been writing on My own for decades.
Please, if you all would be so kind, I would love some feedback/critique on My work.

Please be gentle with me, as I am new here.
Also, although I have read My work to friends I have never presented My work for critique.

I'll be happy to give a wee bit of background to this poem.
I am an incest survivor, always seeking to excorsize My demons, to channel their energy into something constructive.
At present My demons are those of rage and the distortion of My love...hence, Destroyer. This poem is My first attempt at taking ownership of some of My deepest, darkest thoughts and feelings regarding My Love. It represents the pattern of destruction that often occurs in My relationships--if they don't destroy Me then I will destroy them. It also represents the ever-present fear that the cycle of abuse is inherent.

What's more, although this is not 'erotic' it is a deep part of My sexuality. It is for this reason that I have posted it here.

I would love to know if the concepts mentioned above are communicated in the poem.

Thank you



Destroyer

Every unique element of My life,
of my existence as I am and as I have created,
has its own song, its own resonance

I feel that which resonates, harmonizes, with the life that has defined me
I am attracted to the beauty of the harmony
I join in chorus

November 30, 1975 I was born into my Destroyer's chorus
Of calculation
Of deception
Terror
Addiction
Pleasure
Pain

Such is the song of his Love
Tuned to his song I live my own
Dancing forward into the Hell that it has become

But this song is of destruction, distortion
If not yours, then mine
This is my harmony, my synchronicity

For thirty years I have sung his song
For twenty years I have done all I could to silence it
But it is in me, he is in me

Submitting to it, or it submitting to me
It is the chorus in which I sing
This is my shame

I am The Destroyer now

 

[AChild]

Hey Hey Hey

WELCOME TO THE FORUM.
I HIGHLY RECOG_MEND TRYING THE 30 DAY Challenge.

About your poem. I had some problems with the flow of it for example
the first stanza:

Every unique element of My life,
of my existence as I am and as I have created,
has its own song, its own resonance

would flow better like this:

Every unique element of my existence
has its own song, its own resonance

That covers everything.

In the third stanza I think you use too easy words. These are your demons let us see them, feel them. Words are a weak shadow of the emotions we feel, paint the best picture possible.

Other than that I thought it was good. Good theme and display of your philosophy.

 

[annaswirls]

I will come back to this poem later, I am too hyper right now to concentrate....but one request:

will you write a string theory poem?
please?

Maria and I would both be much appreciative...

~anna

 

[MamaSarah]

WELCOME TO THE FORUM.
I HIGHLY RECOG_MEND TRYING THE 30 DAY Challenge.

About your poem. I had some problems with the flow of it for example
the first stanza:

Every unique element of My life,
of my existence as I am and as I have created,
has its own song, its own resonance

would flow better like this:

Every unique element of my existence
has its own song, its own resonance

That covers everything.

In the third stanza I think you use too easy words. These are your demons let us see them, feel them. Words are a weak shadow of the emotions we feel, paint the best picture possible.

Other than that I thought it was good. Good theme and display of your philosophy.

Thank you deeply for your feedback, achild.
I will take your advise into consideration.
And, thanks for being gentle.

 

[MamaSarah]

Hmmm...

I will come back to this poem later, I am too hyper right now to concentrate....but one request:

will you write a string theory poem?
please?

Maria and I would both be much appreciative...

~anna

I will definately put some thought into that, anna and maria.
I am always pondering the meaning behind Our unique gift of life and self-consciousness. I firmly believe ST has many of the answers We seek.
Thanks for the inspiration.