Desperately Need Feedback

[johndoe2007]

I've done two experimental chapters in which the events of one day take place from two different views. You can find them here:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=823166&page=submissions

They are chapters 7 and 8. Also, you don't need to follow the series to know whats going on.

 

[_Lynn_]

I've done two experimental chapters in which the events of one day take place from two different views. You can find them here:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=823166&page=submissions

They are chapters 7 and 8. Also, you don't need to follow the series to know whats going on.

I started to read chapter 7. Maybe I am too tired this morning, but it doesn't flow well for Me. I skimmed through most of it, and got the same feeling, so I checked chapter 8 briefly.
To the point I had read, I really didn't get anything from it. But to be fair, I will go back when I have not been up all night.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

What do I say? Dreary is the word that comes to mind.

Why do you use the same paragraph to open each chapter?

There doesn't seem to be a plot, just a meandering series of words that finally stops. There's nothing interesting about your writing. While I'm sure that you have all sorts of wild fantasies in your mind with the actresses you write about, you completely fail in translating them into words.

I just looked at all 8 of your submissions. Not a single comment. I think that should tell you something.

What was experimental about chapters 7 and 8? It looked like the same stuff you pounded out in chapters 1-6.

 

[_Lynn_]

It doesn't get any better at the second look.

I failed to find a reason to continue reading. There is nothing keeping Me there.

The characters are boring. Both chapters are boring.

 

[Nasha]

I've been noticing your various threads requesting feedback since you started posting, and have always gone and looked at your stories. I haven't responded before now because, honestly, I've never known what constructive advice I could offer, beyond what others have said.

As other people have told you, there is not enough in your pieces to interest us as readers--the characters and the plot are almost non-existent, and even as scenes or vignettes, your pieces fail because there is simply not enough visceral or emotional texture to make the sex exciting.

And, as others have pointed out, it's not just the few people here in the Feedback forum who are having a hard time finding something to like about these stories--the lack of comments and high votes tells you the same thing.

If you are genuinely interested in improving your writing, my advice to you is to read. Seriously. Writers read. And the best writers read a lot.

You don't have to read Wuthering Heights or Tropic of Cancer. Read the short stories on this site that do well with readers; this list of authors is probably a good place to start (ETA: I'm not personally familiar with most of the authors topping that list, but IMO Daniellekitten, wishfulthinking, SelenaKittyn and drksideofthemoon all write well).

When you read a lot, you develop an intuitive sense of how to make characters vivid and interesting, how to tell a story where action and emotions make readers care what happens next, and, in this case, how to get us all hard/wet as we read your sex scenes.

BTW, I really love the idea for your experiment, writing the same events from two different perspectives. One of my all-time favorite X Files episodes was the one where Mulder and Scully separately recount events that happened to them; in Mulder's version, the small-town sheriff they encounter (Luke Wilson) is an ugly, buck-toothed hick, and in Scully's, the same sheriff is witty, dashing, and totally hot for her. Neither version would have been all that great on its own; the story was hysterical, precisely because the two versions of events contrasted so dramatically.

Well, I hope that's somewhat helpful. Good luck.

-Nasha