Desire

[mishcalou]

Whisper sweet words
To set my heart afire
Alone together
Can you feel my desire
Stroking my thighs
Slowly climbing higher
Kneading my flesh
Moving upwards on fire
Straddle my hips
Whats that your`e doing
With those sweet lips
Teeth slighyly tugging
On nipples erect
On shoulders aflame
Lovemaking is natural
Dont be ashamed
Kiss me neck, nibble my ear
Sroke my hair, do you get the idea
Tongue on my lips
Tracing their shape
Arms round my shoulder
Now they do drape
Legs together, tightly entwined
Laying rewarded, supremelysublime.

 

[Angeline]

Hi and welcome.

I can't answer your poll because I don't know that we define "works" the same way. If you wrote it for someone and you both are happy with it, then it works. It has some pretty sexy and graphic language, and I very much like the theme that sex is natural and good!

Then again, yes it could be better. At a place like Lit there are thousands (literally) of erotic poems that say things very much as you've said them. So as I say if you're happy with the poem that's the main thing. If you want to be different from the many, many typical erotic poems here (and elsewhere for that matter), you have to find a different way to say what you want to say. You need to find a voice that is yours, so uniquely yours that readers will come to associate that voice with you, mishcalou the writer. And the only way to get there is to read and write poetry every day. No breaks. Every day. If you make that committment you will learn and improve.

Let me repeat once more (like a broken record lol) the most important audience is you, so write in a way that pleases you, not anyone who might answer a poll.

Stick around a write with the poets here if you like. It's a good group and a fun way to learn.

 

[EroticOrogeny]

I think Angeline has some very good advice.
The question of the intended audience is one key item to keep in mind.
I write a lot of erotic love poems for my wife, they're for her alone.
They work for her, for us. They may not appeal to any one else, for those it doesn't matter.
My other poems may have a broader appeal - they are public, rather than private.

I think there are some places it could use some work:
"your'e" s/b "you're"
"sroke" s/b "stroke". I'm sure.
I see you're from the UK, where "me" often serves as "my" = is that your intent?
Not sure if you need to capitalize each line, especially since you only have a period at the end.
Would your questions have nore impact if you ended them with "?" ?
"Laying" rewarded, or "Lying"?

It appears you're encouraging your love to be more bold and open. I hope the two of you do well.

 

[CharleyH]

Hi and welcome.

I can't answer your poll because I don't know that we define "works" the same way. If you wrote it for someone and you both are happy with it, then it works. It has some pretty sexy and graphic language, and I very much like the theme that sex is natural and good!

Then again, yes it could be better. At a place like Lit there are thousands (literally) of erotic poems that say things very much as you've said them. So as I say if you're happy with the poem that's the main thing. If you want to be different from the many, many typical erotic poems here (and elsewhere for that matter), you have to find a different way to say what you want to say. You need to find a voice that is yours, so uniquely yours that readers will come to associate that voice with you, mishcalou the writer. And the only way to get there is to read and write poetry every day. No breaks. Every day. If you make that committment you will learn and improve.

Let me repeat once more (like a broken record lol) the most important audience is you, so write in a way that pleases you, not anyone who might answer a poll.

Stick around a write with the poets here if you like. It's a good group and a fun way to learn.

Agree.

 

[Palba_Noruda]

just as an exercise it might be fun to try to write some similes for the different things that appear in the poem. that kind of exercise could lead to a different feelings about the poem, its topic, people, etc.